Submission and consent

[ol****]

Sunday at 05:06 AM, 4RCH said:

Why do you say that?

If you can’t see the problem with this you are part of the problem

[ey****]

20 hours ago, sub-come-almejas said:

This is modern way, I am a newbie but I believe things were different in old school...

yes and no

the kinda issue is in what most folk call "old school" was the 1990s which were quite transitional - if anything a lot more has gone back to how things were prior to that.    

The main thing about kink is that pre-internet a lot of communities and territories made up their own rules and structures.   But there was also a lot which was ex-military (turns out a lot of kinky gay men met during service) and so sometimes assorted military structures were used as being easier to understand.  But this was a little in the case of respecting a senior officer, but it working because they ultimately had the experience and your best interests at heart (usually!) 

But yep, a lot of people from those eras may have different experiences because there wasn't as open communication.  And then the internet became more accessible.   

From there a lot of folk tried to "standardise" kink which was a noble effort but hilariously bad and there's a lot of bad habits from that era.  So some of the "you're not a true sub if...", "you're not a slave you're a sub, so need to..." and so on.  

And, sadly, as things got a bit more hetronormative - there were male Dominants who misrepresented (deliberately or otherwise) their position and roles into a very "do as I say" approach, regardless of consent - or "best interests" (since a lot of rules or structures existed to keep people safe, especially rules from gay and LGBTQ+ communites in eras which were particularly bad against them.  And some of which is slowly reforming for the same reasons) 

I guess thankfully, the more the internet became accessible and other kink communities became accessible the more folk could have sight of other ideas, and the more things could be debunked.   

Of course some subs (or slaves, or however they choose to identify) do like the whole idea of "non consent" but in any form of "CNC" arrangement consent is so important it's in their twice.  That someone under free will is giving consent to things they wouldn't normally consent to. 

[4R****]

8 hours ago, olderforfun1252 said:

If you can’t see the problem with this you are part of the problem

Someone asking for genuine advice is not a red flag. So perhaps you could answer the question and tell everyone what the red flag is rather than throwing insults and trying to belittle people??

[ol****]

1 hour ago, 4RCH said:

Someone asking for genuine advice is not a red flag. So perhaps you could answer the question and tell everyone what the red flag is rather than throwing insults and trying to belittle people??

It sounded like a red flag to me didn’t sound like a question. It was the wording poster used

[Ma****]

Safe words

[DH****]

Monday at 03:30 PM, TheFilthEngineer said:

How old school are you going back? I’ve been in this scene and lifestyle almost two decades.
Consent is and always has been the cornerstone of the BDSM lifestyle and community. For those that don’t like how consent ties into BDSM and want to work around it or ignore it, stating things like “you’re not a true sub if you xxxx”, these aren’t kinksters, Dom, masters etc they’re ***rs that how found the scene and see it as a way to “get away with” what they can’t in vanilla life. You mention trust, for there to be trust, for there to even be the necessity for trust, there must be consent. If there is no consent, what are you trusting the person to abide by?

All of this, thank you Sir, I could not have stated that point more eloquently myself. (40yr old Dom, who submits to reason wherever he finds it, PERIOD.)

[showmeurtds]

To me when you give consent you are giving permission and when you submit it is more about trust, feeling safe and knowing each other’s boundaries. Just my two cents worth 

[Si****]

52 minutes ago, showmeurtds said:

To me when you give consent you are giving permission and when you submit it is more about trust, feeling safe and knowing each other’s boundaries. Just my two cents worth 

Everyone getting wordy and this sums it up nicely lol

[su****]

Monday at 15:30, TheFilthEngineer said:

How old school are you going back? I’ve been in this scene and lifestyle almost two decades.
Consent is and always has been the cornerstone of the BDSM lifestyle and community. For those that don’t like how consent ties into BDSM and want to work around it or ignore it, stating things like “you’re not a true sub if you xxxx”, these aren’t kinksters, Dom, masters etc they’re ***rs that how found the scene and see it as a way to “get away with” what they can’t in vanilla life. You mention trust, for there to be trust, for there to even be the necessity for trust, there must be consent. If there is no consent, what are you trusting the person to abide by?

I mean bdsm movies from 70s-90s portraying ***. In fact, bdsm was found in internet news groups as alt.***.xyz so no, consent wasn't explicit but implicit.

Nowadays bdsm is sooo boring, only Japanese femdom / maledom tell stories of men or women subdued against their will. Of course pixelated (ironic, yeah).

I believe in trust and implicit meta-consent (I allow you to do whatever you wish even if I ask to stop, it's ultimate your decision... )... Isn't it more romantic? :-)

And No, Do Not support "if you don't do what I say you're not this or that ... " or any illegal stuff nor mobbing nor any sort of psycho manipulative sh*t...

[Sl****]

Because it's all about Consent. REAL HEALTHY BDSM is like a Buffet. Nobody is SUPPOSED to *** you to eat **** you don't want or to eat more than you're Comfortable with. It's why as a Psych Major we learned there's nothing Inherently Wrong with it.

You should ALSO be aware that NOT everything you see in Media & Porn is Real. An SOME people like Taboo Kinks, but it's all PRETEND and/or Consenting. Like just because a woman calls a man Daddy, does NOT mean they want Sex w/ their Actual Dad. Much like you might enjoy watching a Horror Movie, but DON'T approve of Serial Killers!!

[Sl****]

ALSO: Real Healthy BDSM and Sub/Dom is
a Negotiation. You work out what BOTH Sub AND Dom are Interested & Comfortable doing, BEFORE you get to Kinky Fun.

The key to it all is CONSENT!! I could be willing to Consent to be Groped 24/7 when I'm Awake, but NOT to letting anyone ELSE grope me. I can CONSENT to being Groped WITHOUT warning when Awake, yet NOT Consent to it when Asleep.

No different than choosing OR not choosing to do Doggy Style because you and/or your Partner is NOT wanting it. Either for that Session OR they might NEVER want to do Doggy Style.

[ey****]

5 hours ago, sub-come-almejas said:

I mean bdsm movies from 70s-90s portraying ***. In fact, bdsm was found in internet news groups as alt.***.xyz so no, consent wasn't explicit but implicit.

Nowadays bdsm is sooo boring, only Japanese femdom / maledom tell stories of men or women subdued against their will. Of course pixelated (ironic, yeah).

Oh. Fair, yeah

Oh gosh - we could go way off topic here - buuuut - I'll try to keep it on.  Yeah, a lot of fiction often implies non-cosent and specific dynamics (the Gor Novels often spring to mind) and often also skips relationships from the "just meeting and discussing consent" up to "finished relationship" (so even stuff which appears against will, may not be if we've skipped over any discussions) a lot of adult content has been santisied heavily by the regulators - one of my clips had to be edited cos I said "No" in it - make of that what you will - despite it being a scene we'd discussed well in advance.  

[Sl****]

Porn and Hollywood is written so it's more FUN, DRAMATIC, or CONTROVERSIAL. Since Porn AND Hollywood is Ultimately about Entertainment, NOT Education.
.
Like you can't tell me you don't know Common Hollywood & Porn Tropes that are Exaggerated/Over Represented and/or downright IMPOSSIBLE!
.
Look no further than Paying For Pizza With Sex, because I for one have NEVER heard of this IRL. LOL. Not to say people don't offer, but very few would be willing and agree.

[Sl****]

TL:DR do NOT trust Fiction for a 100% Accurate Information. Not just in Details but many things can be Over/Under Sampled. Things get purposefully Made Up or Assumptions Made.
Sometimes it's closer to 80-90% Accurate, but sometimes it's closer to 10-30% Accurate.
Get your info from actual Reputable Research and Members of the Community/Population.

[bb****]

Word

[SW****]

Thats like asking "how can you have a truly fast car with brakes?"

[mr****]

How do I excuse myself from this conversations and getting notifications regarding it.. good lord back and forth more than tennis match .. but seriously can I turn off notifications for one thing in particular ?

[FE****]

1 hour ago, mrkoter317 said:

How do I excuse myself from this conversations and getting notifications regarding it.. good lord back and forth more than tennis match .. but seriously can I turn off notifications for one thing in particular ?

You can indeed.  When you are on the topic, click the dots in the top right corner for your options.