Navigating Dom/sub Life and Real-Life Partnership

[Deleted Member]

I’ve spent a lot of time exploring relationships and trying to figure out what truly fits me. I’ve tried a “vanilla” life, trying to be happy in a traditional relationship, but it always felt like something was missing. When I stepped into the BDSM world and embraced my submissive side, I finally felt closer to myself and more alive.

Still, there’s a challenge: many Dominants I’ve met, while commanding and skilled, can feel distant or emotionally unavailable. Even in relationships where I fully give myself, I crave the everyday intimacy, security, and closeness that a real-life partner provides. I’ve had failed D/s relationships that pushed me toward vanilla life, and that never fully worked either.

I’d love to hear from anyone who’s explored this lifestyle—whether you’ve made a D/s partnership work long-term, or whether it didn’t quite fit. How do you balance submission, dominance, and real-life intimacy? How do you know when a sub or Dom is also someone you want as a life partner? Or, if it hasn’t worked, what did you learn along the way?

Basically, I want to hear from everyone who resonates with this journey—your insights, struggles, and experiences are all welcome.

[Deleted Member]

Okay honey, same. I’m new to this lifestyle but it has proven to be a challenge. But I’ve learned more about communication and have become so much better at expressing myself. But I’m here for this and also want others feedback.

[Br****]

I was in a D/S marriage for 18 years. It is possible. I can only say in play and in norm life we were compatible. I was 18 he was 32 when we met. He had been a dom 10 years before me. I met his past subs and learned the way. They are out there don't give up hope. Xoxo

[De****]

I am engaged to my Dom. We have been together about three years and are monogamous. So first off, don’t let anyone tell you long term relationships and D/s can’t exist together because they absolutely can. I think of it as the structure we set our relationships up with but that doesn’t negate the vanilla side of things. We still cuddle, we still watch movies, he is still *** with me. D/s is woven into our lives but it’s not the sole purpose of our lives. You can be a mother, doctor, athlete, comic nerd but those labels will never be all that you are. People and relationships are much more complex. I believe our dynamic actually complements our vanilla life. For example, we use BDSM terminology to express ourselves clearly in times of conflict. Like saying “not doing this honey do list you had is hard limit for me because it makes me feel ignored” or using a safeword to extricate myself from an argument when I know I need space. The extreme level of trust and completely honest communication makes for a wonderful basis of a relationship. Also, remember that partners doesn’t mean you split every aspect of life, responsibility, finance, and decision 50/50. It means you work together to build a life. A Dom might make the ultimate decisions on some things but a sub who is more knowledgeable in areas may take precedent on those situations. Start any possible dynamic with honesty, let them know you want a dynamic but also a long term life partner who is open an communicates as well. Good luck, you will find the right fit. 🫶🏼

[tanew]

Ok, my partner (Dom) asked me to read, we are partners in all ways, we live a 24/7 dynamic while also mixing with friends/family/ food shopping etc! But we keep our intimate selves just for us, the dynamic is never not there, but we have found ways to be us around people where no one would ever know. We both agree that we will never expose non consenting people to anything! I didnt believe this was a thing! Had some shit experiences. But we met on here a few yrs ago now and im the luckiest little slave ever. Feel free to message, happy to chat

[YegBiBtm721]

All, I know is I would like to explore bdsm lifestyle (maybe with a twist) with the right woman that has the vanilla world intertwined.

[Rh****]

I've been dominant the last 25 years and from my own experience, I hear what you're saying. Too often, and I'm guilty of this, command and control become a posture, a copy of what our parents did when we disappointed them. Sometimes that's ok, but I've made it a point during aftercare to discuss the infraction and the dynamic. Seems to help.

[No****]

My Dom is also my boyfriend. We started out as Don/sub but always knew I wanted both elements. We do lean more towards to Dom/sub relationship but I’m happy. We’ve been together 3 years now. I was new to kink when I met my Dom.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, DenverBunny said:

I am engaged to my Dom. We have been together about three years and are monogamous. So first off, don’t let anyone tell you long term relationships and D/s can’t exist together because they absolutely can. I think of it as the structure we set our relationships up with but that doesn’t negate the vanilla side of things. We still cuddle, we still watch movies, he is still *** with me. D/s is woven into our lives but it’s not the sole purpose of our lives. You can be a mother, doctor, athlete, comic nerd but those labels will never be all that you are. People and relationships are much more complex. I believe our dynamic actually complements our vanilla life. For example, we use BDSM terminology to express ourselves clearly in times of conflict. Like saying “not doing this honey do list you had is hard limit for me because it makes me feel ignored” or using a safeword to extricate myself from an argument when I know I need space. The extreme level of trust and completely honest communication makes for a wonderful basis of a relationship. Also, remember that partners doesn’t mean you split every aspect of life, responsibility, finance, and decision 50/50. It means you work together to build a life. A Dom might make the ultimate decisions on some things but a sub who is more knowledgeable in areas may take precedent on those situations. Start any possible dynamic with honesty, let them know you want a dynamic but also a long term life partner who is open an communicates as well. Good luck, you will find the right fit. 🫶🏼

Thank you for sharing your perspective! I’m curious how did you both figure out the balance between your D/s dynamic and the more everyday, vanilla aspects of your relationship? Was it something that developed naturally over time or did you set clear boundaries from the start?

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, tanew said:

Ok, my partner (Dom) asked me to read, we are partners in all ways, we live a 24/7 dynamic while also mixing with friends/family/ food shopping etc! But we keep our intimate selves just for us, the dynamic is never not there, but we have found ways to be us around people where no one would ever know. We both agree that we will never expose non consenting people to anything! I didnt believe this was a thing! Had some shit experiences. But we met on here a few yrs ago now and im the luckiest little slave ever. Feel free to message, happy to chat

That’s really beautiful to hear, especially how you both manage to keep the dynamic present. It sounds like you’ve found a rhythm that feels natural and grounded. Can I ask what helped you feel safe enough to trust again after the difficult experiences you mentioned? No pressure to share anything too personal, I’m just genuinely interested in how you built something so stable and healthy.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, DenverBunny said:

I am engaged to my Dom. We have been together about three years and are monogamous. So first off, don’t let anyone tell you long term relationships and D/s can’t exist together because they absolutely can. I think of it as the structure we set our relationships up with but that doesn’t negate the vanilla side of things. We still cuddle, we still watch movies, he is still *** with me. D/s is woven into our lives but it’s not the sole purpose of our lives. You can be a mother, doctor, athlete, comic nerd but those labels will never be all that you are. People and relationships are much more complex. I believe our dynamic actually complements our vanilla life. For example, we use BDSM terminology to express ourselves clearly in times of conflict. Like saying “not doing this honey do list you had is hard limit for me because it makes me feel ignored” or using a safeword to extricate myself from an argument when I know I need space. The extreme level of trust and completely honest communication makes for a wonderful basis of a relationship. Also, remember that partners doesn’t mean you split every aspect of life, responsibility, finance, and decision 50/50. It means you work together to build a life. A Dom might make the ultimate decisions on some things but a sub who is more knowledgeable in areas may take precedent on those situations. Start any possible dynamic with honesty, let them know you want a dynamic but also a long term life partner who is open an communicates as well. Good luck, you will find the right fit. 🫶🏼

Thank you for sharing your perspective! I’m curious how did you both figure out the balance between your D/s dynamic and the more everyday, vanilla aspects of your relationship? Was it something that developed naturally over time or did you set clear boundaries from the start?

[Qu****]

There are many types of dominants. You've probably run into many who think submission is obtained from control. For others submission is obtained from creating an environment where their submissive is free to explore their desires. I do not punish, I use my toys as a treat, I bite from desire, I claw from passion. I do hold accountability with my words. With this style of domination I am not aloof, I engage with my partners as we exchange energy. Find someone who can laugh as they spank you, otherwise you've only found a dominant who shows you a mask.

[Mi****]

10 hours ago, tanew said:

Ok, my partner (Dom) asked me to read, we are partners in all ways, we live a 24/7 dynamic while also mixing with friends/family/ food shopping etc! But we keep our intimate selves just for us, the dynamic is never not there, but we have found ways to be us around people where no one would ever know. We both agree that we will never expose non consenting people to anything! I didnt believe this was a thing! Had some shit experiences. But we met on here a few yrs ago now and im the luckiest little slave ever. Feel free to message, happy to chat

Is "we are partners in all ways" a book?

[ey****]

you may find there are Dominants *only* interested in the D/s side whilst you want the all-round : this can be because of just how they like to practice, or can be because they other other subs, romantic partners, etc though doesn't necessarily mean that with you is outside their knowledge.

But, there are subs similar

and a lot is that people in general like the whole D/s fantasy but sometimes that's lost when you're with a partner struggling after a sucky day at work, or is not the vision of how you expect.  Sometimes it's easier to ease kink into a relationship, then to ease companionship into D/s even if the two aren't mutually exclusive