50 SHADES OF FUCKERY

[mr****]

Let’s talk about what happened after 50 Shades hit mainstream. Suddenly everyone thinks they’re into BDSM but most don’t know the difference between dominance and ***. Since I’ve joined this site, I’ve had women reach out from other posts asking questions about what they’re experiencing. Some of these stories are concerning.
Here’s the reality: 50 Shades made BDSM seductive because the dominant was rich, powerful, had status so certain controlling behaviors seemed acceptable in that fantasy. But what happens when someone doesn’t have that? What if they’re just regular? Now those same behaviors look different, don’t they? That’s the problem with learning power dynamics from movies.
I’m hearing about two main situations. First: Women are asking their partners to explore dynamics and getting shut down then being made to feel like they’re some kind of deviant for wanting it. The guy won’t do it, but makes her feel like she’s a porn star or a slut for even asking. That’s toxic.
Second situation is worse: The dominant who thinks the role means being cruel without consent, ignoring boundaries, and confusing control with just being an asshole. Since joining this site, I’ve had women tell me they thought they weren’t sub enough because they didn’t want to be degraded or hurt beyond their limits. That’s not BDSM. That’s *** with a safe word attached.
Real dominance requires three things most people skip: Communication, competence, and actually giving a fuck about your partner’s experience. You can’t just watch some porn, read a Reddit thread, and think you’re qualified to take control of someone. This isn’t amateur hour. You’re taking responsibility for someone’s physical AND psychological safety.
Here’s what good dynamics actually look like: Clear boundaries established before anything happens. Ongoing consent and check ins. Aftercare that’s non negotiable. And understanding that power exchange only works when both people choose to be there. The foundation is mutual respect and clear communication, not just dominance for dominance’s sake.
If you’re a submissive exploring this and feeling confused about why it’s not working with your partner, it’s probably not you. Either they’re too timid to step into the role properly, or they’re confusing dominance with just being rough and demanding. Neither one knows how to create the psychological safety that makes submission actually feel good.
And if you’re a dominant reading this thinking I want to do this right but don’t know how, good. That awareness is the starting point. The problem is most people won’t admit they don’t know what they’re doing. They’ll fake it, hurt someone physically or emotionally, and then wonder why it never works out. You’ll get shunned when you do the wrong thing because you faked it till you made it, not when you admit you’re learning.
This is why I actually like this site. I know a lot of people complain about FET, but it’s affordable and offers real insight if you’re willing to dig deeper and actually learn. That goes for anything, right? You don’t get in a car without knowing how to drive and just put gas in it. You learn how to operate it first. Don’t be shy about not knowing. More people will help you than shun you when you’re genuine about learning.
My experience is working with women in dynamics. That’s my lane. I can only speak from what I know, but the principles are universal. That’s what this thread is for, engaging with the community, asking questions, having the conversation out loud.
This site is solid for beginners if you’re serious about learning. You’ve got the whole internet for research, but from what I’ve seen, this community has people with real insight. Don’t get caught up in looks or profiles. You can learn from people’s experiences regardless of what they look like. People don’t look like what they’ve been through. That’s the whole point of community. I’m still learning daily. No one person is bigger than this. Hell, I’m just now getting interested in Shibari and rope work. If there are any sub women interested in being my training partner, or any doms male or female with that skill set who want to share knowledge, I’m open to connecting. We’re all here to help each other navigate this world better.
But if there’s something personal you’re working through, or you’re shy about putting it out there publicly, and you want to tap in, just know the only thing I can offer you is my opinion and perspective. You want my guidance? You’ll have to schedule a consultation. Just come with your thoughts together. And remember, Christian Grey had a whole contract written out before anyone got tied up. That’s the kind of preparation I’m talking about.
Bottom line: 50 Shades opened doors, but it didn’t teach anyone how to walk through them properly. Don’t hurt someone because you thought porn was a manual. Don’t accept mistreatment because you thought that’s what submission looks like. There’s a better way, but you have to actually learn it, not just wing it and hope nobody gets damaged in the process.

[AngelusInMotion]

And that's why Edward Grey is a much better dom role model than Dorian Grey

[To****]

You’re right about one thing: Fifty Shades opened the door, but it opened it into the wrong room.

Everyone loves to blame Fifty Shades, but the real problem is what it taught people to expect:
***, trauma, a contract and suddenly you’re “dominant.”

Let’s clear the air.

If you remove the helicopter and the penthouse, Christian Grey is just a man with poor emotional regulation and a control problem.
That’s not dominance. That’s a liability.

The truth?

**Real Dominance is calm.

Real Dominance is intentional.
Real Dominance is SAFE.**

It isn’t:
• shaming a woman for wanting to explore
• ignoring boundaries because “she can take it”
• using “BDSM” as an excuse for cruelty
• playing rough without competence
• skipping aftercare because you’re “not that type”

That’s not a dynamic — that’s damage with a safe word.

Here’s what the movie didn’t show:

A Dominant leads because he can hold space, not because he wants power.
He listens.
He regulates himself.
He respects the mind he’s guiding.
He knows the difference between surrender and ***.
He earns obedience — doesn’t demand it.

And submission?
It’s not something taken.
It’s something offered… and only when she feels safe enough to fall.

If you’re new, ask questions.
If you’re experienced, keep learning.
If you’re pretending, stop before you hurt someone.

Fifty Shades opened the door...
but it never showed what’s on the other side.

So yes — people should read, learn, ask questions, make mistakes openly, not secretly.
Everyone starts somewhere. What matters is the willingness to learn before someone gets hurt.

If more men understood the difference between dominance and domineering, this community would look very different.

And as for Fifty Shades…
the only realistic part of that story is the paperwork….

[xC****]

THANK YOU!!!!! 👏🏻

[ni****]

You nailed it Tom.

[Deleted Member]

Reading those books is what taught me the relationship I was in was wrong. I was married and my husband wanted a porn star and felt that marriage was a contract to do what he wanted without a bit of education himself. His actions did result in physical harm as well as emotional and psychological. It took years for me to undo it.

There are a lot of people who claim to be experts . But don’t know the definitions of some of the things they are portraying.

[Wh****]

Lmfao you must be a Democrat

[Pe****]

It’s a huge *** in the neck trying to weed out fake doms. You’re right that a lot of men lie that they’re experienced when they actually just to be rough / aggressive.

[Sq****]

You're not wrong. I've said similar for ages. Unfortunately, like a broken record: these "doms" and "daddy's" will never seek education or growth. It doesn't matter what you say or do to try to change the landscape to a more positive, safe, and healthy environment when it comes to those predator or ignorant individuals.
It REALLY comes down to educating everyone else. Especially those who have had horrible experiences.
To make the community better: promote better vetting techniques, normalize establishing timelines for actual engagement instead of diving into something wrecklessly, and having patience.
For all the good kink can do for someone with healing and mental health when done right the greater community will always have a predatory cesspit lurking to take advantage of anyone new, uneducated, or ***.

[Sq****]

40 minutes ago, PersephoneSubs said:

It’s a huge *** in the neck trying to weed out fake doms. You’re right that a lot of men lie that they’re experienced when they actually just to be rough / aggressive.

Women do this too. There are women looking to domme purely to *** men. Let's look at the full picture, please.

[Da****]

I couldn't agree more.

[Ki****]

2 hours ago, SquirrelandWrangler said:

You're not wrong. I've said similar for ages. Unfortunately, like a broken record: these "doms" and "daddy's" will never seek education or growth. It doesn't matter what you say or do to try to change the landscape to a more positive, safe, and healthy environment when it comes to those predator or ignorant individuals.
It REALLY comes down to educating everyone else. Especially those who have had horrible experiences.
To make the community better: promote better vetting techniques, normalize establishing timelines for actual engagement instead of diving into something wrecklessly, and having patience.
For all the good kink can do for someone with healing and mental health when done right the greater community will always have a predatory cesspit lurking to take advantage of anyone new, uneducated, or ***.

It's definitely a mix there are "doms and daddies" that will as you said never do any research and are looking for a power dynamic that is just ***. There are also subs that romanticize an abusive relationship (no victim blaming and only empathy and support for those people) and i know how easy it can be to get yourself into a scary situation that you are not ready for and you best have a caring partner in that situation and always use safewords and any dom that isn't willing to respect that should be walked away from immediately. There is nothing more of a red flag than someone in this culture that refuses to use safewords and fuck those abusive people. Full stop. Sorry a little disjointed of a response 😅

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, TastyMermaid said:

Reading those books is what taught me the relationship I was in was wrong. I was married and my husband wanted a porn star and felt that marriage was a contract to do what he wanted without a bit of education himself. His actions did result in physical harm as well as emotional and psychological. It took years for me to undo it.

There are a lot of people who claim to be experts . But don’t know the definitions of some of the things they are portraying.

I am sorry you had to go through all of that. ❤️‍🩹💜
Most *folks* don't know the terms for the sexual acts they think they want, let alone possess the capacity for caring, compassion, intelligent patience, nuance and so forth. Some are like 5 year olds driving cars: we all know what cars are; we basically think we know how cars 'go'; but haven't looked at a manual, learned anything about the different cars or the terrains involved, or other drivers etc...

[Pe****]

3 hours ago, SquirrelandWrangler said:

Women do this too. There are women looking to domme purely to *** men. Let's look at the full picture, please.

I didn’t say “only men” I said “lots of men” which is the only thing I can speak to from my own experience, as a survivor of sexual ***. There are ABSOLUTELY abusive women too and it’s an incredibly important discussion to have. There’s no need to use one group of victims to silence another.

[Sq****]

4 minutes ago, PersephoneSubs said:

I didn’t say “only men” I said “lots of men” which is the only thing I can speak to from my own experience, as a survivor of sexual ***. There are ABSOLUTELY abusive women too and it’s an incredibly important discussion to have. There’s no need to use one group of victims to silence another.

No one is silencing anyone. Address the whole issue or look like part of the problem; misandry is as unwelcome as misogyny. It's the role itself and the people playing with it, not their gender. 🙂

[Pe****]

Again, I’m speaking from my own experience. I have personally experienced many violent men who aren’t doms but use BDSM as a cover for their violent misogyny. Gender is also statistically relevant when talking about sexual *** because we have a societal issue with encouraging toxic masculinity and *** culture - which I agree negatively affects people regardless of gender. Speaking about my personal experience dealing with masculine *** culture appropriating BDSM isn’t misandry. Nor is men speaking about female perpetrators misogyny. I don’t have to generalize my statement on my own personal experience to include yours.

[Pe****]

33 minutes ago, SquirrelandWrangler said:

No one is silencing anyone. Address the whole issue or look like part of the problem; misandry is as unwelcome as misogyny. It's the role itself and the people playing with it, not their gender. 🙂

Again, I’m speaking from my own experience. I have personally experienced many violent men who aren’t doms but use BDSM as a cover for their violent misogyny. Gender is also statistically relevant when talking about sexual *** because we have a societal issue with encouraging toxic masculinity and *** culture - which I agree negatively affects people regardless of gender. Speaking about my personal experience dealing with masculine *** culture appropriating BDSM isn’t misandry. Nor is men speaking about female perpetrators misogyny. I don’t have to generalize my statement on my own personal experience to include yours.

[Sq****]

3 minutes ago, PersephoneSubs said:

Again, I’m speaking from my own experience. I have personally experienced many violent men who aren’t doms but use BDSM as a cover for their violent misogyny. Gender is also statistically relevant when talking about sexual *** because we have a societal issue with encouraging toxic masculinity and *** culture - which I agree negatively affects people regardless of gender. Speaking about my personal experience dealing with masculine *** culture appropriating BDSM isn’t misandry. Nor is men speaking about female perpetrators misogyny. I don’t have to generalize my statement on my own personal experience to include yours.

You sure went out of the way to criticize additional perspective to a larger picture that didn't attack you. Whatever makes you feel valid.

[Pe****]

7 minutes ago, SquirrelandWrangler said:

You sure went out of the way to criticize additional perspective to a larger picture that didn't attack you. Whatever makes you feel valid.

I simply replied to agree with OP and add my own experience, which you attempted to “correct”. You’re the only person being adversarial here. I’m simply saying I’m allowed to talk about my own experience, which is gendered. You’re also a 40 year old man dating a 22 year old girl… big mystery why you really don’t want people talking about how gender dynamics are relevant in a conversation about ethical BDSM.

[co****]

👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼 💚💚

[Sq****]

39 minutes ago, PersephoneSubs said:

Again, I’m speaking from my own experience. I have personally experienced many violent men who aren’t doms but use BDSM as a cover for their violent misogyny. Gender is also statistically relevant when talking about sexual *** because we have a societal issue with encouraging toxic masculinity and *** culture - which I agree negatively affects people regardless of gender. Speaking about my personal experience dealing with masculine *** culture appropriating BDSM isn’t misandry. Nor is men speaking about female perpetrators misogyny. I don’t have to generalize my statement on my own personal experience to include yours.

Ah, yes, let's just address it as your problem. My apologies for acknowledging the larger picture we all need to work to shift for anyone looking in. Continue as you feel you need to with this thread.

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, SquirrelandWrangler said:

Women do this too. There are women looking to domme purely to *** men. Let's look at the full picture, please.

Yeaaah... but.. throwing this in here makes it seem like a "not all men" plea. We are all aware of the historical and current disparity between sexes with regards to *** and ab*ses and this post is one aspect yet complete in its own right. As long as the disparity exists, the conversation will remain skewed, biased, and wholly annoying/frustrating/and UNSAFE for Women. I don't believe the point of this post is to compare the two, rather, offer commentary on just what they did. [correct me if wrong, @mrvetnotthepet.]

[Si****]

Fifty Shades of Grey, 365 and the more recent Baby Girl to a lesser extent are confusing *** and Dominance.
With the help of a Domina friend, I have devised a questionnaire I send to wannabes subs…
Most won’t respond…
An interesting response in itself 😜

[PL****]

This post is amazing! I am one who loves to answer questions, give my perspective from a long time in the lifestyle. I share my perspective when I can from a submissive who has made mistakes, not knowing what was okay and what was not. I love to tell people, what I can to help. I discuss the lifestyle with people, read, learn, take advantage of knowledge from those who have lived it right and those who have not and share what i have learned. This lifestyle can set up even the most vanilla of relationships to be healthy if done right. But if done wrong, it's p@in and suffering. It's heartache and hardship. Ask those who are willing to answer, and know if your uncomfortable putting it out there for everyone, there are those of us who do not mind a respectful dm...ask ur questions I will answer or try to the best of my ability.

[We****]

Just happened to see this. I have been a Dom for 15 years. I have almost always had younger subs, a power surplus and age/experience on my side. I see a million ways it could be ***d. To me, being a dominant is the ultimate test of your own self control. Always putting her needs first even as you play and talk about it being the opposite. I have learned more about myself in the journey.

After a long break I decided to try to find a sub. The others I met in real life. Long ongoing relationships. Now, I’ve tried using the apps. 80% are scammers or flakes. The “real” ones (both newbies and experienced) get overwhelmed by men thinking this is an easy way to demand getting laid. They are worse than the 50 shades crowd. Honestly, it’s exhausting. And hard to be engaged and intentional when you start over ever 10 minutes.
I think the onslaught of non-bdsm men makes curious and potential subs wary of wanting to chat and communicate needs.

I don’t know the answer but I wish theee was a better way.