Shades of Gray With Lots of Color

[Br****]

Sites like this can often mislead people into believing that certain dynamics always exist. In this instance, I'm talking about the Dom/Sub dynamics. Sites like this tend to make people believe they are either a dom, a sub, or a switch. It doesn't account for those people who may be neither.

I believe I'm probably one of those people. I'm more dominant leaning, yes. And I do tend to take charge or lead more often than not, but I wouldn't call myself a dom. Nor would I call myself a sub. I don't get any extra arousal by being "on top", or on "the bottom". I simply take charge because I'm used to it, and we'll someone needs to lead or else you end up just lying there.

Just because I can take charge or I can follow someone else's lead doesn't mean I'm a dom or a sub. I don't do either because they are arousing to me or because I have a kink for them. I usually either do them because someone has to or because my partner is into the opposite.

I have kinks that some people would consider submissive, but that's mostly because of the name they're given. If I say to you I'm into breast worship you might think that I'm submissive, but if I say that I like breast play, nipple play, or nipple teasing you might not get the same visual even though they are essentially the same things.

Pegging is one of those kinks that is almost always considered to be a sub thing where a woman is dominating a man with a strapon. While I've never been pegged I do enjoy prostate play, not because I am gay (I'm very much straight), or because I want to be dominated, but simply because it feels good. It's a completely different orgasm and it just feels damn good. I have found it difficult to find a woman who doesn't expect me to be a sub.

Likewise, I have kinks that are considered dominant that come with the expectation of me being a dom. As a man in the vanilla world, I feel like we are expected to take charge and be dominant so we already kind of have that "practice" so to speak. But that doesn't mean that I get some extra or special satisfaction from filling this role. It just feels like filling a role because someone needs to.

Now to add some color to it all I have something I don't see people talking about ever. I mean I've seen one or two Reddit posts about it but nothing aside from that. As such, I haven't seen any good names for what it is. But the basics of it is that I can be turned on by kinks I'm not usually turned on by if my partner is really into them. A good example of this is CNC. I'm not turned on by CNC normally, but if my partner has a CNC kink I can get into it and it gets me going. But if I'm seeing someone without a CNC kink it's not something I will seek out or am looking for or even get turned on by it. I think that stems a lot from the fact that I enjoy giving pleasure. I get pleasure from giving pleasure. I think that's why I like "worshiping" so much. I enjoy making a woman writhe or squirm because it feels so good, and I love making women cum.

For me, it's not a dom or sub thing, I couldn't honestly care less. To me, it's about filling a vacant role or about doing what is needed so that my partner is getting what they need from it.
I guess what I'm saying is don't feel like you have to be a dom or a sub or a switch. You can also be neither. As with everything else in life, there are different tones, hues, and shades to fill the spectrum of in-betweens and you don't have to conform to a 2 party system. 😁

[La****]

There you go. Then you already know who you are and what youre into. Options and labels are there to help ppl identified things and to understand things easier. But its not supposed to be the only thing that defined a person. I agree you cant be; a 100% certain thing. Bcs human are complex and nuanced. Some ppl have their preference more dominant in one aspect; therefore its what define them, some people have both somewhat balanced etc etc. I could say that you probably just all rounder leaning dom. But thats the label I assumed, to identify you better. And the end; it doesnt matter what I think. Its how you see yourself and how you could find a partner that could respect your preference and fits you (vice versa). Period.

[Se****]

I'm a Domme, but I totally get what you're saying. And actually I've had guys get confused when I say that I like to f**k in missionary position...they think I shouldn't be into that because it seems submissive for me to be on the bottom. But the physical position doesn't dictate the dynamic, and there doesn't need to be a dynamic at all. I also like to be spanked, because it feels good. I do get a thrill out of dominating a man, especially when I can tell that the dynamic is melting his brain (in a good way), but like you, the specific things we do aren't important...I get the most pleasure out of seeing, hearing, and feeling the results of the pleasure I'm giving my partner when they're in my power. Great post!

[re****]

My man, it's 2024. You can basically make your own label at this point. But you don't Need to live in a box. It's sounds like your just a sexually explorative person. Someone that is Truly into a festish is all in. But most people are like you where they just like Parts of diffent kinks. An you hit it on the head, it's About the partner your with Not the kink or fetish. There are Tons of kinky that are pacific to a certain type of person. Doing ddlg with an old woman dosent hit the same. Raceplay with a black vs a white girl. Rough sex is more fun with thick girls than super skinny ones. Sex isn't a One person act even if we invent 100 way to do it alone. It's is entirely about exploring the unknown with someone you care for. Just be honest up front that your into lot of stuff bro and you need a really open minded person who doesn't get hung up on labels.

[adrenalina75]

Relevant comment: I agree with what you are saying. I also think there are too many labels and they aren’t always useful. I tried to message you to ask a question, but couldn’t.

[ey****]

On 8/16/2024 at 5:52 PM, BreastObsession said:

Sites like this tend to make people believe they are either a dom, a sub, or a switch. It doesn't account for those people who may be neither.

I see where you're coming from, but I disagree and here is why.

The kinda default for someone who doesn't really know much about kink is that there is just Dom and sub, if they're lucky they MAY be aware of switches, MAY.  And then folk come to sites like this.

Now, I think it's probably more daunting if you *** someone to choose a role/identity based on words/terms they've never heard before (if you do that, they'll probably still go "well I've heard of Dom, sub, etc") especially if someone is then trying to work out the difference between an energy bottom and a power bottom or have someone disagree with their choice of 'Master' cos of their age.

I think keeping it simple is the opening to showing people there are many way to enjoy kink, rather than putting folk off

[MasterDarcy1979]

TLtr: I'm a switch.

I don't think coming in hot with phrases like "sites like this" is particularly healthy, helpful or respectful.

You don't view yourself as a Dom or a sub. Good for you.

As with everything in this world, it's the people who make it what it is.

With everything and anything, people like to stick labels on things and put people into boxes.

If a person displays idiosyncrasies, in any way, they're labelled as "autistic".

Human beings are not robots. Humans have faults and failings and strengths and weaknesses, etc. It makes then human. It doesn't necessarily put them under the autistic umbrella.

In the world of BDSM, no two Dom/Domme or submissive are alike. No two are the perfect reflection, in terms of kink, fetishes and preferences.

People are going to put a kinkster in a box with a label, the same as a vanilla person will put a vanilla person in a box with a label.

Welcome to Earth. 2024.

[Deleted Member]

Really interested post @BreastObession and I can relate in part. There are waaaaay more than seven colours in the rainbow!
Having said that, let the dynamic lead for sure, keep an open mind and go with the flow. Having said that, I’ve never met a true domme (yet!) so maybe chemistry/attraction plays a part? Intriguing indeed!

[Deleted Member]

Sites like this have diluted terms like Dom or sub. Tons of people are using those labels not having a clue what it means. Taking the lead in vsnilla sex acts is far from dominant or even kinky. Dom/sub dynamics were about power exchange. It's not all about sex.

[Sk****]

To be honest. I think most accounts on here are bots. On a normal dating app I can get like an average of 2 real dates (actually meeting up) per day. I've been on Fet for 2 years now and people don't even message, let alone meet up... 😂

[ey****]

1 hour ago, SkylerUK said:

On a normal dating app I can get like an average of 2 real dates (actually meeting up) per day

that feels... if you're getting 700+ dates per year, why did you feel the need to try another site?

where do you even find the time to have 700+ dates per year and perhaps if you were more selective on these sites they'd actually go somewhere?

[adrenalina75]

3 hours ago, SkylerUK said:

To be honest. I think most accounts on here are bots. On a normal dating app I can get like an average of 2 real dates (actually meeting up) per day. I've been on Fet for 2 years now and people don't even message, let alone meet up... 😂

Perhaps your profile description stating you won’t discuss politics and social issues is putting people off. I’d guess that most people on here are pretty liberal/left of centre, and on reading your profile I would perhaps think that your stance doesn’t align with mine, hence the reason you don’t want to discuss it. Maybe other people imagine the same.

[Sk****]

2 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

that feels... if you're getting 700+ dates per year, why did you feel the need to try another site?

where do you even find the time to have 700+ dates per year and perhaps if you were more selective on these sites they'd actually go somewhere?

Yeah. I actually date a lot. Maybe 700+ is taking too literally, but I do go out on a new date every day until I find someone that I want. I came here with the thought that people are less high strung but I found quite the opposite. It's just easier to date for real elsewhere (albeit most are vanilla). I don't know if it's the environment here as a guy with a lot of success elsewhere (non paid) I find it out of character.

[Sk****]

1 hour ago, adrenalina75 said:

Perhaps your profile description stating you won’t discuss politics and social issues is putting people off. I’d guess that most people on here are pretty liberal/left of centre, and on reading your profile I would perhaps think that your stance doesn’t align with mine, hence the reason you don’t want to discuss it. Maybe other people imagine the same.

I didn't mention my political affiliation so I doubt one could assume correctly. It's just off putting to talk about it but I guess mentioning it in the first place is talking about it so I'll take that as constructive criticism, for which I thank you.

[adrenalina75]

17 minutes ago, SkylerUK said:

I didn't mention my political affiliation so I doubt one could assume correctly. It's just off putting to talk about it but I guess mentioning it in the first place is talking about it so I'll take that as constructive criticism, for which I thank you.

I realised you didn’t mention your affiliation. It’s just that in my mind tories are sometimes reticent to mention it because of the backlash they would receive and the number of people it would turn off. I love talking about politics personally.

[ey****]

7 hours ago, SkylerUK said:

Yeah. I actually date a lot. Maybe 700+ is taking too literally, but I do go out on a new date every day until I find someone that I want. I came here with the thought that people are less high strung but I found quite the opposite. It's just easier to date for real elsewhere (albeit most are vanilla). I don't know if it's the environment here as a guy with a lot of success elsewhere (non paid) I find it out of character.

In some ways I feel the kinda best environment is where things work for you.  

So, I don't think folk here - or in any other kink circle are 'highly strung' - but there are certain trends I see 

Folk into kink tend to be a bit more hesitant about meeting folk from online.  An awful lot partake, in some degree, on their local kink scenes and that drives play and relationships.  There's still valid reasons to be on sites like this - but less likely that they'll make plans at short notice with a total stranger.

Of course, not everyone does partake in kink scenes - or not so regular - but I guess a lot is.... a lot kink based takes time and takes trust.  So if someone feels rushed to meet or play, that feels off.   That a lot of, particularly women, get treat as kink dispensers and that is often something which is off-putting.   

That also there often feels a bit more in the need of commitment, and if someone feels somewhat interested and sees someone is messaging a lot of people or going on dates most days - they will take it as being non-committal and so less likely to be interested.

Of course; there are those looking for stuff which is non-committal/NSA but in those cases they'd still want a feeling of safety and confidence you have the relevant kink experience.   This isn't to say you don't have it - but - it's totally worthless someone going on a date if they don't think you'll be kink compatible 

[sw****]

This kinda sounds like being a “service top”. I’m bottom-sub-leaning but vers. And when I top, my pleasure primarily coms from making my bottom happy.

[Deleted Member]

I love a good little but only during that special time. I definitely need a woman during the most part of our day. To be honest that's what makes it fun. To be supervising a little 24/7 would just be annoying and at some point creepy in my opinion. That doesn't mean that some aspects of her little personality can't exist indefinitely if that's just her personality. But to be little full time is a bit much for me

[Deleted Member]

I'm new to the community, but as with everything in life, as some said before me, people get strung up on labels. Labels *should* only give an idea of what to expect and not be a kind of contract ; the specific needs to be discussed. For instance, like you, I have some kinks that are more sub-associated, like worshiping, but I tend to act on them in an assertive and authoritarian manner. I usually say I am and identify as a Dom (or a switch, depending on the specifics of the partnership of the play), because I like having control (and must truly trust and feel on the same wave lenght with my partner to accept to relinquish it). For me, as it was also said earlier, I see the Dom/Sub as mostly a power dynamic, with the Dom being in control, and not as being kink specific. Dom and Sub are, in my mind, master categories, and being as such, imply a lack of precise definition, opening a space for exploration of other kinks with the same kind of power dynamics. To me, Doms prefer "giving", be it orders or care, *** or pleasure, and Subs prefer "receiving" the counterpart. Anyway, that's my take on your post, which I think points to an important matter that should indeed be discussed!

[Pi****]

I have been in the kink community since pre internet days and things have changed a lot. Many people don't understand the core values of BDSM and only treat it as kinky sex. That's ok if that is your thing. But the history is being lost. Labels or no labels there is still a dynamic and a protocol and people don't follow much anymore. This saddens me. The lack of respect in messages and desire for quick hook ups is all the rage and that,to me, is not kink.

[lo****]

I am very new this world, I would be interested in hearing what the new and old value are and how they differ.

[TP****]

From my experience I was introduced to this world around 25 years ago. My partner at the time was very much into it and, as she went to university in Chicago, I had my formative experiences in the Chicago leather and Gorean scenes. I’m currently the M half of an M/s TPE relationship here in NY. My s is ten years younger than me and her experience was vastly different than mine. I learned and was taught in a strict, high protocol, face to face world where how you acted and what you said mattered. Much of the scene here is more kinky swinger or just swinger oriented and it’s both frustrating and off putting when so much of the interaction has been reduced to the thirsty and the desperate just trying to knock boots. There’s a sense of entitlement with many of these people, there’s little to no protocol, and the boundaries and lines between roles have been blurred to almost being meaningless. As things have gotten more mainstream and less sub culture it seems the overall quality of the community has diminished even as the quantity of people professing membership has increased. I routinely see behaviors that would have gotten you into sticky situations where I learned from accepted in the community here.

[ey****]

5 hours ago, longlostsoul24 said:

I am very new this world, I would be interested in hearing what the new and old value are and how they differ.

it's a minefield in itself because people will talk about "old" or "traditional" values relating to dynamics that were becoming popular in the 1990s, rather than 50s/60s/70s - there'll then be a lot of rosetinted views and cherry picking - most of which ignores/luddites the advancements of tech and the mainstream attitudes to kink - and ignoring that a lot was regional or based on fiction.

Probably better for it's own thread.    But there were some communities in the 80s or 90s where they would insist you were sub OR dom and nothing else existed and that was far more harmful than 'sites like this' - because people didn't have means to research alternatives. 

[Pi****]

True the 80s we had to rely on newspapers for interaction and let's not forget the leathers of the 50s and 50s who got things going.

[ey****]

7 hours ago, Pink-Lady- said:

True the 80s we had to rely on newspapers for interaction and let's not forget the leathers of the 50s and 50s who got things going.

I think this is just it that - well - a lot of ideas in kink especially from a community perspective are relatively new (and when we go older than this - kink was generally something that was paid for at a brothel - it's like folk think pay-to-play is new well up until probably the 70s or 80s it was the only way to specifically meet someone to experiment) 

I remember a few years ago I bumped into a friend from music circles at a fetish club and he is a little older than me so was active in the 80s and 90s; "it's all changed" he said, "In my day it was - you were sub, you were Dom, that was it - the Doms didn't sub, the subs didn't Dom - there were no switches, no brats, no this, no that" and actually we also kinda know that wasn't true - but in the communities he was part of then, it was true.  

The internet has allowed people to bring more ideas together.  If I opened a club and had a specific set of rules and told you it's "how kink works" you can easily chat to people on the web to find out I'm full of sh*t  - not something someone could do so easily 30 odd years ago