The Lie's ED's tell

[AKA_Copper]

DO NOT READ IF DISCUSSION AROUND EATING DISORDERS/SA ETC ARE GOING TO CAUSE YOU DISTRESS.
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I wasn't going to post this, I wrote it for myself a long long time ago. It wasn't for sharing. But, given how many people/strangers feel it appropriate to comment on other people's bodies, and a recent forum topic regarding the negativity of that type of behaviour, I am. Hopefully it makes some of you stop and think before typing that comment under a photo of someone you don't know or sending that person a DM. The point being, unless you know them, you dont know why they posted that photo or how they'll respond to your comment.

As above, dont read any further if this is going to be a trigger. I'm at peace with it but I know not everyone will be. Hit the back button now.
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I’ve always hated my body. It was never thin enough, curvy enough, muscular enough, tanned enough. I was always too pale with too many freckles and an odd shaped nose.
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You might say anorexia was my solution to those physical imperfections. You might. But then you’d be falling for the same lies my ED used to tell me and I used to tell others to avoid the truth of my disease. At a time when EDs weren't really spoken about and were utterly misunderstood, it was easier to let people believe it was about being thin.
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My starvation was never about thinness, but control. If nothing else, i could control what went into my body when I didnt always have that luxury. It was about self-destruction. It was about being nothing.
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Because when you are nothing, you are left alone. I wasn’t anorexic because I wanted a body that was easy to love, but because I didn't want to be "loved".
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I didn’t want to be thin, I just didn't want to be seen. You see, once you’ve dropped below a certain weight, your body becomes less beautiful, less femimin. At least it does when you're pre-***. You become less human. You just become less. At least, that's what my ED told me.
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At my thinnest and, no longer with long hair, I had managed to remove any signs of my sexuality (as much as any ch!ld could have had at least), as if I had a magic wand that could wave trauma away. The girl who had been ***ed was gone and the person who'd been destroyed was now visible to everyone. In all of their ugliness.
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Anorexia was not an attempt to be pretty. It was an attempt to be invisible.
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The problem is, you don't become invisible. Skip a couple of meals, it's not much of a problem. It only becomes a problem when you consistently skip them over a long period of time. One day, you have enough energy to race around with your mates on your BMX, the next you're passing out on a beanbag during storytime at school. The next you're in hospital on a drip.
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ED's LIE
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Skip too many meals and it's on everyone's agenda. It's the only topic of conversation. It's a focus point. People become feeders. There is no escape. You're not invisible, you become the centre of everyone's damn attention. It's oppressive and it's more unbearable than that which you're trying to escape.
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ED's LIE
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You realise that you’re exactly the same person you were when this all began. Your trauma remains unresolved. Your self-hatred grows and, your ability to cope with it vanishes.
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Anorexia isn't the only liar though.
I lied too. Not at first, how do make sense of it and put it all into words when you're at primary sch00l?
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In time though, I lied about my weight. I lied about what I'd eaten and drunk each day. I hid behind baggy clothing because I thought it wouldnt be noticeable.
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I lied about the reason. It's easier than reliving. Easier than facing their pity. Easier than facing your own embarrassment, shame and guilt.
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The biggest lie of all though was the one I told myself because I believed that that was easier than facing the root cause head on.

[Ar****]

Ahhh, Ms C. I love you. Thank you for sharing this (not that you did it for me).

[Se****]

I can’t put into words what I want to say. Love you lovely lady xxx

[me****]

I wrestle at a high level all through up to college. I developed an eating disorder from that. I remember a time when I once literally cried as my brother teased me with a bottle of water I couldn't have to make weight. I don't eat one meal these days and don't think of the reprocussions. I would eat 1.2 lbs and throw up 1.25 to make sure I was good. 4% bmi. We all cheat the Hydra 21Touch and hold a clip to pin it. Unpinned clips will be deleted after 1 hour. We all cheat the hydration test. But where is the line??

[Si****]

CK, this is deep, and powerful and gives a very different perspective to ED. The insight into the thought process and reasons have completely changed my limited understanding. 

It’s also highlighted to me that the “I’m not hungry”, and “I’m full” after a couple of mouthfuls of food that we keep hearing from my friend’s 10YO might not be down to a ‘lack of appetite’ which is one of the listed side effects of the ADHD meds that she’s on, and instead might be something more serious. And, the “I don’t like” response to food that she’s eaten countless times in the past might not be all that it appears. 

So, thank you for writing this, and thank you for choosing to post it after all that time. You may just have saved a child’s life!

[AKA_Copper]

4 minutes ago, 4RCH said:

CK, this is deep, and powerful and gives a very different perspective to ED. The insight into the thought process and reasons have completely changed my limited understanding. 

It’s also highlighted to me that the “I’m not hungry”, and “I’m full” after a couple of mouthfuls of food that we keep hearing from my friend’s 10YO might not be down to a ‘lack of appetite’ which is one of the listed side effects of the ADHD meds that she’s on, and instead might be something more serious. 

So, thank you for writing this, and thank you for choosing to post it after all that time. You may just have saved a child’s life!

Hopefully it's not. I wont accept the ADHD meds for that reason though. It's too risky

[Le****]

The disorder as a trauma response is obvious, but as a typical man you sort of worry about the conversation being unkind and clumsy. It's more fun to focus on things that are both perhaps enjoyable. Weight lifting being more common is a huge benefit to women's health and of great personal benefit to certain rogues. Squats!

[AKA_Copper]

12 minutes ago, Lestat_PD said:

The disorder as a trauma response is obvious, but as a typical man you sort of worry about the conversation being unkind and clumsy. It's more fun to focus on things that are both perhaps enjoyable. Weight lifting being more common is a huge benefit to women's health and of great personal benefit to certain rogues. Squats!

The post wasn't to garner advice nor discussion. Like you say, there is the potential to be unkind and clumsy 🙄
It's to point out to 'some' people that they should think before writing comments under photo's/sending DM's as a response to a photo centre-ng themselves and, that people post photo's for many reasons, not simply for the attention of others.

[Deleted Member]

Your post remembers me of an old friend. She passed away with only 32kg . Later we found her diary. We were idiots and never listened to anything what she never was able to say. Stay healthy.

[Me****]

I feel this, I had bulimia when I was a *** up until I was 25.

[Lilyisherere]

You are the best.

I love you x

[Deleted Member]

5 minutes ago, Lilyisherere said:

You are the best.

I love you x

And who is the lucky one? Lol🤔