Seduction - My BDSM Experience Before the Internet

[RaymondWise]

 

"How did you know,?" I would hear from partners before the internet. It would be at the point that we were enjoying spanking, or bondage, D/s or some other kink.

How did I know either, that they desired this and finally found someone "Finally! Someone to pull my hair and spank me!" or…

How did I know they would enjoy something they didn't have a previous interest in?

Well, I'm not sure that I did know. I knew I wanted it. And was happy to find that while it took some effort, I was finding submissive/bottom/slave partners somewhat reliably.

Seduction. A tempting or attractive thing.
Seduce. Entice (someone) into sexual activity. Attract (someone) to a belief or into a course of action that is inadvisable or foolhardy.
Attract powerfully.

I like to go with the "A tempting or attractive thing and Attract powerfully.

Seduce has a dark connotation and meaning. I like that.

In a previous century, ( 1970's to say, 80's) especially before the internet, I've described getting someone into a BDSM relationship as, seduction.

Is that the best word? I dunno. And I like that word.

Even people who went to orgies hardly talked about sex. Back then, we just did it.
I'm sure there were exceptions.

In the Graduate Class in Human Sexuality I help with, the professors (close to my age,) have trouble convincing the students that was the norm. And people my age often are still in that mode.

So this a rough idea about how I went about seducing a person into BDSM.

The first step was…. Dating.
I would do what I thought of as what might be a Best Dating Practices.

Find out what they like.
Favorite restaurant, movies, books, hobbies, beliefs and values?

The last two sometimes took some time.

First do things you KNOW they will like. Favorite restaurant for instance.

Pay attention to why they like it. Spicey food? Ethnic? And if ethnic, does she love the authenticity of the food or the décor or the stories from the employees who are from the country, "My mother cooked this for me every Wednesday " a server in a Moroccan restaurant told us one memorable and successful date.

So, my sinister seduction plan was to pay attention to the person, and demonstrate I understand them, as best I could.

Eventually pick a restaurant or a movie that shows I understand them. The best is when they are puzzled by the choice and then they get it when we experience it together.

And, the context matters. Sometimes someone is not looking for something too serious, but if they are, and I am with them, introducing each other to friends, and to things we like that they might not, and learn how that can fit in OK was another piece of the puzzle.

And getting affection and sex as right as I could.

And I'd look for eagerness to please and other clues that they are enjoying following my lead.

When you think about traditional, heterosexual dating, more often than not, a woman would expect the guy to take most of the decisions for the date. A certain lead/follow was actually a vanilla practice.

And then, on average, that's the way it was. For many, it still is.

Now, there's lots more variability and flexibility. I think it's mostly better, so long as what I describe is not denigrated. It's still valid for many.

So the idea is to invest time in the person, show you understand them, and find that they understand you, and, over time, a history is formed. Hopefully with that, trust.

The BDSM, the kink would be introduced slowly, bit by bit.

Maybe the sex would be rougher.

And then they would be held down.

More to it than the above, but that was my experience. Before we could look on a site like fetlife and know, often in detail, what someone was into.

I remember in High School, holding hands walking with Cindy. I guided her around a crowd on the sidewalk by putting my hand with hers to the small of her back, making us less wide so we could pass through.

Soon, standing together, I place her hand again to the small of her back.
I then held that wrist.

In a few moments,
She put her other hand behind to the small of her back.
I took both wrists in my hand.
She leaned into me and sighed.