Mask on, truth on. Villain optional.

[Deleted Member]

Five long years.
Not because it was good. Because it was familiar, and I’m great at confusing familiar with safe.

There was no real polarity. No tension. No hunger.
Just going through the motions until it felt like I was touching a person who wasn’t really there.

That sounds cruel. It probably is. Welcome to my personality.

She cheated. So did I.
I’m not saying that like it’s a plot twist. It’s just what happens when two people keep building a life on top of resentment and denial. Nobody’s innocent. Nobody wins.

Then my ex best friend stabbed me in the back.
The kind of betrayal that makes you realize loyalty is just a word people use until it costs them something.

They’re together now, my ex and my ex best friend.
Of course they are. Life loves lazy writing.

And here’s the part where I don’t pretend I’m the bigger person.
I did hurt people. I hurt them emotionally, and I hurt them with how I left.

I walked away back to my family who are well off, and I left all of us with about 60k in debt tied up in the aftermath. There’s a truck I co-signed that they’re living out of now, and an apartment situation that collapsed after eviction.

That isn’t a flex. It’s just consequences. Mine included.

So yeah, if I’m the villain in her story, that’s not exactly a shocking twist either.

After I left, I started exploring dominance more intentionally.
I realized control is the only place I feel present. Not the cute, performative kind. The kind where my brain goes quiet and I stop negotiating my own existence.

I don’t dominate because I’m ***less.
I dominate because it’s the only time I don’t feel like a ghost in business casual.

And when I say “mask,” I mean it literally. The horned skull mask in my photo.
With it on, I’m direct, demanding, and awake.
With it off, I’m polished, professional, useful. The version people can tolerate. The version that pays bills and smiles on cue.

The truest version of me looks like a costume.
The normal version of me feels like the act.

And the mood behind all of it is simple.

Ohh, out of sight out of mind
The motto of betrayal
Prophets preach forgive and forget
I’m sorry, but I am unable, unable

I’m not asking for sympathy. I’m not asking to be redeemed. I’m just saying what it is.

I can function without the mask. I can be respectable. I can be “fine.”
But I only breathe when the mask is on.

Mask on, I breathe.
Mask off, I function.
And I’m tired of pretending those are the same thing.

[Deleted Member]

I want this counterpart for my own life. I want to be what [the person] who captured this gorgeous, aching existence needs and desires, and our respective Beings hunger for each other.

I myself am, as of yet, unable to feel as a "real person," comfortable meandering amongst the various groups - until and unless MY Mask has been activated.
Currently going through a burnout so now I'm in a lovely limbo.

I enjoyed this writing, thank you.

[Deleted Member]

Sounds like a situationship I had once

[Deleted Member]

@ñexumsange..... I am truly and deeply sorry that that this is your situation. Me on it me myself I have never in my life been around or truly new what all this meant until just recently. I've never in my life fathomed this scenario this horrible I mean maybe just some it's not horrible. I wanted to I want wanted so badly to help you anybody the one I was with broke my heart. I can't do this..... Free this s*** out of my own I did a lot of studying and I mean a lot of studying I'll stay 12 hours a day everyday trying to figure out what was happening why was happening what was going on and my doctor that I know anything f*** no I don't know nothing I truly don't know nothing. I don't judge I died I f****** died, I'm not the same person I don't think I am a person anymore actually if nothing but hollow trusted out zombie. It's such a horrible situation. I pray for you I pray for everybody I got to f*** out here

[cl****]

This is some deep ***d poets shit! Love it. All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players. You are aware of two of your commonly used personas. Congratulations. Keep finding them, and observing them. 👁️

[Wh****]

I love your insight into yourself, It resonates with me and the mask and professional except I give up control and reveal myself without the mask and where I’m safe and don’t wear the mask to work.

[Deleted Member]

I mean, you didn't even a tally care that much about her, the main betrayal I see here is you kept half asking a relationship for easy access to pussy, you betrayed the shit out of that woman... and you weren't even happy.

I hope your ex BF touches your EX in a way where they don't feel like touching a body that isn't even there

YTA

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, astrafjord said:

I mean, you didn't even a tally care that much about her, the main betrayal I see here is you kept half asking a relationship for easy access to pussy, you betrayed the shit out of that woman... and you weren't even happy.

I hope your ex BF touches your EX in a way where they don't feel like touching a body that isn't even there

YTA

Funny part is i respected her a lot more then what i gave her credit for