What is Consent?

[Si****]

Consent: permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.

 

Consent occurs when one person voluntarily agrees to the proposal or desires of another. It's a term of common spe£ch, with specific definitions as used in such fields as the law, medicine, research, and sexual relationships.

 

Within the BDSM world, Consent is Key. Whatever it is that you want to do, whether it be an aspect of play, to physically touch a person or thing belonging to someone else, and in some cases to continue to speak to an individual, you need consent beforehand.

 

But how do you know if you have consent? Let’s look at three common examples taken from Wikipedia:

 

'Informed Consent' is where the individual has a clear appreciation and understanding of the facts, implications, and future consequences of an action. And then they agree to it. To me this is a bit of a no-brainer - why would anyone agree to do something if they don't understand what they are agreeing to?

 

'Implied Consent' is inferred from a person's actions and the facts and circumstances of a particular situation (or in some cases, by a person's silence or inaction). Some examples include unambiguously soliciting or initiating sexual activity or the implied consent to physical contact by participants. Perhaps someone being playful with someone in order to illicit a reaction.

 

'Expressed Consent' is one that is clearly and unmistakably stated, rather than implied. It may be given in writing, by sp£ech (orally), or non-verbally, e.g. by a clear gesture such as a nod although I'd be cautious here because that gesture might not mean what you think it means. Non-written express consent not evidenced by witnesses, or an audio or video recording may be disputed if a party denies that it was given. So, my suggestion is that you don't take any chances.

 

I like to use the acronym F.R.I.E.S. when gaining consent. This originates from an organisation called 'Planned Parenthood' and is rapidly becoming a popular way to ensure that you really are gaining consent.

 

- Freely given. Doing something with someone is a decision that should be made without pressure, f0rc£, manipulation, or while drunk or high.

- Reversible. Anyone can change their mind about what they want to do, at any time. Even if you’ve done it before or are in the middle of doing it. That’s what Safe Words are for.

- Informed. Be open and honest about what you intend to do and the possible consequences.

- Enthusiastic. If someone isn’t excited, or really into it, that’s not consent.

- Specific. Saying yes to one thing doesn’t mean they’ve said yes to anything else.

 

Everyone has the right to say No and should learn to do so. Some people believe that not giving consent is the same as saying no, but this is not quite true. Many people will tolerate inappropriate behaviour simply because they don’t want to cause a fuss or appear rude. But they are left feeling uncomfortable because of the actions of another individual and this is not OK. When you give consent you are agreeing to something, but ‘not’ giving consent is not the same as objecting to something, and this is an incredibly important distinction. If someone does (or goes to do) something you don’t want to happen, speak up and make it known to that person that you want them to stop.

 

Some people think that consent isn't a big issue - until it is! They go along, getting away with doing stuff that isn't ok but because nobody complains they take it as implied consent. But at some point, consent will be an issue, and at that point it will be too late. People make poor decisions or play when drunk or on dr¥gs. People even do things that they though were a good idea at the time and then regret them later.

 

You know that feeling when you see a shiny new toy and simply must have it, you buy it and when you get it home you realise it isn’t really what you wanted, or you couldn’t really afford it. You regret your purchase, even feel guilty about it and you might take it back and try to get a refund. This is called 'buyer's remorse'.

 

BDSM is exciting and it's easy to get caught up in the moment. You get wrapped up in the fantasy of it all and perhaps you engage in something that you weren’t ready for or agree to something you didn’t really understand. Perhaps a scene or experience was not as you expected it to be. Suddenly you find yourself in a situation you don't like, didn't want or you ended up doing something that you completely regret afterwards, and you panic.

 

But the difference is, you can’t take it back to the shop, there are no refunds, you can’t undo what’s done, you can't rub out bruises or disguise the welts across your ass from the cane you were hit with. And you certainly can’t magically erase any injuries you've sustained, whether they be physical or mental ones. 

 

Mistakes, misunderstandings about and a casual attitude towards consent are all too common within the BDSM world, which is astonishing when you consider the fact that the ramifications of getting it wrong can be life changing, for you, for the other person, and even for the community!

 

What are your thoughts?

[wa****]

Yeah very important and I always try to make sure that the lady is okay during a scene

[ch****]

Umm someone can consent to things they’re not enthusiastic about.

[Ch****]

Chaos***...we dont know if you're new, but you're taking a dangerous stance for someone who might want to do edge play like CNC. We don't see much room for 4rch's writing to be argued against, especially enthusiastic consent. Can you do something without enthusiastic consent? Sure. You can also tie someone up without knowing where major arteries lie...both are bad ideas. We're pretty sure that if you gave a specific example of when non-enthusiastic consent is good, it might not be seen well by your potential female play partners.

[ch****]

What I mean is someone can agree to do something just because it makes the other person happy. Your example is far too specific to really fit here

[ch****]

To be more clear let’s say a woman asked me to perform oral sex on her. I don’t like this but I like her and think she’s very attractive. I agree to do it even though I hate it. I still consented to it.

[Ch****]

5 minutes ago, chaos*** said:

What I mean is someone can agree to do something just because it makes the other person happy. Your example is far too specific to really fit here

So enthusiastically consenting to make the other person happy, or reluctantly or sadly consenting to make the other person happy? Does that make it clearer for you? The specific example we gave doesnt matter...could have used dozens. The point is, in BDSM, you're looking for trouble if you dont get enthusiastic consent. Even in your rather vague example. 

[ch****]

I think we’ll just have to agree to disagree on this

[Ch****]

3 minutes ago, chaos*** said:

To be more clear let’s say a woman asked me to perform oral sex on her. I don’t like this but I like her and think she’s very attractive. I agree to do it even though I hate it. I still consented to it.

Flip it. You ask a woman to perform oral on you. She hates it but does it anyway...maybe you convinced her to do it.  You are saying that's a good path? You dont have to argue further, in fact, we'll let 4rch's well written piece stand for itself. And we hope others just learn from him 

[cl****]

Consent is surrender your owned and you are willing to obey .your cuffed gaged and plugged stuffed in the corner and made use of

[J0****]

Consent, relative to sex, is an active, voluntary, ongoing agreement between all people involved.

Consent must be freely given
Consent must be informed
Consent must be enthusiastic

Consent must be conscious and capable & consent must be reversible.

[J0****]

The real question for me is “how do we reconcile all of the above with sex as a primal instinct”

[Sa****]

I love how you clearly understand that consent can be withdrawn at any time, kuddos to you!

[ey****]

8 hours ago, chaos*** said:

Umm someone can consent to things they’re not enthusiastic about.

Yes.

However, this isn't what enthusiastic consent relates to.

So like some of your other examples are also correct. i.e. you or another person does something they're not really into *for the other person* - that's correct, that's fine.

However, if someone is coerced, pressured, or feels consequences for saying 'no' - then that's not enthusastic consent. 

[cl****]

Consent is not just about actions, it's about words too. Went on munch recently where a newbie was over sharing graphic stuff without consent, some of it involved the fact that he didn't get consent from his partner to do various things which made him double violator in the space

[wo****]

20 hours ago, ChromeStarz said:

Chaos***...we dont know if you're new, but you're taking a dangerous stance for someone who might want to do edge play like CNC. We don't see much room for 4rch's writing to be argued against, especially enthusiastic consent. Can you do something without enthusiastic consent? Sure. You can also tie someone up without knowing where major arteries lie...both are bad ideas. We're pretty sure that if you gave a specific example of when non-enthusiastic consent is good, it might not be seen well by your potential female play partners.

Who is we?

[wo****]

14 hours ago, basicbitch20 said:

I love how you clearly understand that consent can be withdrawn at any time, kuddos to you!

Who doesn’t?

[CuriousRose]

This is so true! When my ex opened our relationship up he took it as a free for wall, whatever happens happens kind of mentality. He did not ask me for consent on a lot of things. Going on dates without talking to me about it before, keeping online or in person activities seperate/secret, not being transparent about what he was getting up to etc….. So much more that it ultimately ended our relationship. Thank you for outlining this so clearly

[wo****]

16 hours ago, clear_spring said:

Consent is not just about actions, it's about words too. Went on munch recently where a newbie was over sharing graphic stuff without consent, some of it involved the fact that he didn't get consent from his partner to do various things which made him double violator in the space

Words covers quite a bit. I have seen and heard a lot of people not only saying things to people but about people, both true and false. Add in actions and all that’s left seems to be thoughts.

People who are so selfish and thoughtless that they don’t prioritize a partners needs are not going to change that by having consent explained to them. People who do care, I don’t think they need to have it explained.
It might make people feel good to explain it, see it explained, participate in discussions about it, sure. That’s the choir though. And the whole church is full of believers who know and agree.

The problem people, they ain’t showing up to church. And if they do, they ain’t there to be converted. They are there to blend in.

I’m cynical, I know what kind of monsters are out there. All of the milder versions too. I know the people who harm others with lies and deceptions. They use words and tell stories to harm and to violate. For a long time I’ve studied and trained to understand what makes them think and act the way they do. None of them give a shit about consent, because they don’t give a shit about honesty or respect.

[FETMOD-BD]

5 hours ago, woburn169344 said:

 

Who is we?

It’s been written by a couple’s profile.

[Sa****]

8 hours ago, woburn169344 said:

Who doesn’t?

You'd be surprised

[wo****]

3 hours ago, basicbitch20 said:

You'd be surprised

This would be someone who understands consent is necessary to engage in an activity with someone initially, but doesn’t understand that the person has the right to change their mind once the activity has begun.
In practice that looks like “You agreed five minutes ago to have four teeth extracted before we began. I have only removed one tooth, you can’t get up from my dentist’s chair now sir, I already have your consent to extract three more teeth”.
It is surprising to me. Any information you can provide about people who understand consent that way would be appreciated. I might still find it surprising, but I will be better informed.

[Frenchies]

Each case is different certainly. Before we met my wife needed self confidence when a student and tied up with a guy who managed to convince her get over her inhibitions by following his instructions. It's easy to say "Yes. Stop at any point" but when completely dominated and with no experience, as well as the curiosity aspect, it's practically impossible to withdraw. At least she has no regrets now that we've met and married.

[ey****]

On 1/12/2026 at 1:37 AM, woburn169344 said:

 

Who doesn’t?

sadly, a lot of people.  And this can be true both sides of the coin.  People who've said they'll do something, now do not wish to, but feel they should / have to because they said they would

Mind, it also may be they are in a position where they are ***ful of the consequences of no saying no.   

Then of course there are those who would be very "but you said you would" 

[wo****]

58 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

sadly, a lot of people.  And this can be true both sides of the coin.  People who've said they'll do something, now do not wish to, but feel they should / have to because they said they would

Mind, it also may be they are in a position where they are ***ful of the consequences of no saying no.   

Then of course there are those who would be very "but you said you would" 

Those approaches apply in a wide variety of situations in daily life between all sorts of different people in all sorts of different types of relationships, friendships, and acquaintanceships. That is the way people negotiate their way through life.

It’s not an indication that anyone doesn’t understand. The language you use to frame the explanations raises questions about agency and responsibility. It’s one of the things I have been thinking about recently.