End Goal

[Bi****]

I’m wondering if kink is the end goal for some people or is it a passing phase , and how would you tell which is which, it is difficult to start a dynamic when you know the other person is passing through a phase and deep down planning to leave when they find their vanilla partner ?
Any thoughts on this ?
And how to navigate it?

[do****]

Ehm... Sex isn't the entire base for a relationship.
It's a very important part and by getting there very early a certain compatibility can be found but leaving for a vanilla partner sounds more like settling for less e cite ent there but more fulfilling ease in other areas.

[Deleted Member]

I’m here because society isn’t capable of handling me. I find the further i go from what people have decided was ‘normal/regular’ the more accepted i am as a human being. There is nothing more freeing, more empowering than the sensation of being able to just Be.

The f@cking is fun too, I guess.

[Pe****]

Its different for everyone. But nobody leaves the dynamic and settles unless they truly can handle going without a part of who they are. A kink is part of you biologically, it doesnt just go anywhere. To shut that part out or down would eventually tear you apart, I've watched it happen among friends and colleagues alike.

[Ma****]

6 minutes ago, Penumbra_mors_parva said:

Its different for everyone. But nobody leaves the dynamic and settles unless they truly can handle going without a part of who they are. A kink is part of you biologically, it doesnt just go anywhere. To shut that part out or down would eventually tear you apart, I've watched it happen among friends and colleagues alike.

Well said. Kink is what you are!! It's not a game or a phase.

[Zis]

I never felt deeper connected as in a bdsm dynamic. I can leave easile vanilla but it is hard to leave a sub

[be****]

For me it’s a safe space. A place where I can find like minded people and not have to *** myself into a box. Yes, the sex is great but it’s the bond that keeps me.

[ra****]

It is a the ultimate goal of the relationship… i don’t want a relationship without it… i don’t even want friends that are not kinky…

[Al****]

I had a vanilla husband for 29 years and together 34. I will say it ruined our marriage. I always wanted more sex and variety. If we went to a swinger thing he got jellous if he didn’t get same attention. I always wanted flogging etc and he thought of even using feathers, blindfolds and oil a job. Sex became a routine.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, Birmingham_Domestic said:

I’m wondering if kink is the end goal for some people or is it a passing phase , and how would you tell which is which, it is difficult to start a dynamic when you know the other person is passing through a phase and deep down planning to leave when they find their vanilla partner ?
Any thoughts on this ?
And how to navigate it?

It is an end goal for some and a passing phase for some. What does that matter when the only moment you are ever in is the present one? You are not in the future. You are not in the past. You are only present. Enjoy it because it will soon pass and tomorrow is not promised. Perhaps for them it should be a phase or a season. Just because it isn't for me doesn't mean it shouldn't be for them. It's difficult enough to manage that part for one self let alone someone else. History tells us that will leave one frustrated.

I look at it a little different though. It's like any other unchangeable attribute of me. My height, skin color, etc. It's just a part of me I learn about and learn to live in and with. Like any other part of my body it's ultimately a tool for life.

[Ta****]

I have tried vanilla after BDSM. It is not fulfilling. Then there's the whole: when to come out to them and if they're not only tolerant but willing to participate. I've abstained for a looonG (hard G) time. Feeling like kink broke me. I've been in the community for a long time. I have never had a lifestyle relationship. I won't settle without it.

[co****]

For me it’s the development of the mental connection. My great partners have been from a shared requirement of kink . That being said, few other relationships in life Ive had have been as genuine. When both cast *** away, openly, honestly ask and answer questions genuinely that shared connection is what I require. The physical afterwards is intense. Without the mental, the physical is never that greatest of potential.
I love her vulnerability and I love sharing mine. That is how trust is built, repeat everytime.

[Ka****]

Well for me it’s neither an end goal or a passing phase. I’ve been living it in some form for 20+ years. It is who I am. I went vanilla for awhile and was miserable. As for starting a dynamic I would just ask them the question you asked us. If they are honest it should help you decide if you want to put your time and energy into that particular situation. Even if they are just passing through, you could still learn something new from each dynamic you are part of until you find your preferred path

[Deleted Member]

I think being honest with yourself and about yourself will get you the results you want the most. If you just want something passing, be honest about it. If you want a life partner who's kinky, be honest about it. When you know what you want things are more fulfilling and you get to be your true self.

[le****]

Whats your kink basically

[lo****]

Doomed and a living lie if you both love your lifestyle equally. You will never grow past, its not a phase. I have realised how addictive and how I have chased the high as bad as any drug. It will leave a craving need to feel new and more intense feelings. It will pass if you are not completely happy with the lifestyle but you don't ever get out if your made for the life. You are going to do things that you would never have and intense that would break a normal person and you will crave it and more. Lots of years now and I feel like Christmas morning when I'm doing something lol 😆. So enjoy

[be****]

33 minutes ago, aligurl80 said:

Well for me it’s neither an end goal or a passing phase. I’ve been living it in some form for 20+ years. It is who I am. I went vanilla for awhile and was miserable. As for starting a dynamic I would just ask them the question you asked us. If they are honest it should help you decide if you want to put your time and energy into that particular situation. Even if they are just passing through, you could still learn something new from each dynamic you are part of until you find your preferred path

This is why my vetting process takes so long. I don’t just do the “hey, what are you into, hard limits, soft limits sh*t like that” I try to learn as much as I can about a person before entering a dynamic with them.

[Co****]

How do you tell? As with anything else, communicate. I don’t see why someone would leave a kinky relationship in favor of a vanilla relationship if all else was equal, but if someone thought that was desirable for some reason I would hope they would tell you if you ask.

[Deleted Member]

29 minutes ago, ColoShark said:

How do you tell? As with anything else, communicate. I don’t see why someone would leave a kinky relationship in favor of a vanilla relationship if all else was equal, but if someone thought that was desirable for some reason I would hope they would tell you if you ask.

One might leave in order to be with someone who is in love with them.

[Tr****]

Erosion in the foundation

[Bi****]

It’s all about communication. Being honest not only to your partner but to yourself and what you want out of life. Most people once exposed to the kink community very rarely leave, but there are many reasons why (to many to list) but kink is not usually a phase or and end its more of a way of life.

Once a kink always a kink. Someone may enter a vanilla for whatever reason but they will always have that kink in the back of their head.

[ey****]

this is a very good question.  

So I think in general anyone with any specific fetishes (whether that's by the olde world term - they can't get aroused without it; or a newer term - that it heightens their orgasm) it's not really a phase - it will continue to turn them on for as long as they have a sex drive.

Though I sometimes - there's folk who it wasn't really a phase as such, but perhaps folk who *thought* they had to go down a D/s route, or were shoved into it - either because that's how ***rs/partners pushed them or that they felt they *had* to be Dom/sub to do x/y/z and for them it was a system that didn't fit.

[Ro****]

Me personally, could not " go vanilla, I do know of a few who has. It varies on the person. I suppose they decided to settle down. I've already done that, and due to feeling suppressed for years for everyone's happiness but my own. Promised myself never to shrink myself for another person again.

[Ba****]

Not sure if i understood the question
But wasn’t the whole kink thing a kind of alternative path to the standard vanilla way of life?? So what is the “end goal” supposed to be here?? I just assumed that the “passing phase”-people sort themselves out relatively early on their quest for self discovery and the kinky people who “end up” in vanilla relationships tend to do so more incidentally/accidentally, aka the “fell in love with a non-compromising vanilla person and prioritizing the romantic connection over their own less normal desires”, but committed longterm relationships are a realistic “end goal” on this side too

[Ne****]

I may be too much of a noob for this question. Is it so rare that people end up with their play partners?