The Vanilla Trap

[no****]

Im curious to how people deal with the vanilla trap, as i for one struggle tremendously. It seems every time I am in between partners this happens to me. I am not a hook up or random encounter type, I love the mental connection and excitement that goes with it. The mental stimulation is as important as the physical for me. I am picky as to who I collar, because I see that as taking on a great deal of responsibility. This causes it to take awhile at times. Im not being cocky but I get hit on a lot, with my job im around differnt beautiful women all day everyday. I know there will be no satisfaction, at least at first I know. As time wears on I become hornier and hornier, I miss the feel and taste of a women. I miss it all so much I give in to a vanilla girl. I convince myself oh maybe this time I will be happy without kink. I end up saying yes to some sweet little vanilla girl. For a few months im ok, its a new beautiful thing thats filling a need i had to fulfill. But it wears off and no matter how perfect she is it doesnt fufill me. Its the same story over and over. I break some absolutely wonderful girls heart and create insecurities she doesnt deserve. To her things were great, and they were for me too. Almost perfect but lacking something i have to have. She's left wondering whats wrong with her and im left feeling like a POS. Ofcourse I always test the waters to see, and two of my kinkest partners ever were vanilla when we met, not when we parted ways 😀 my question is how do you all keep yourself out of these vanilla relationships you know are doomed from the start? I take pride in myself control but time is my enemy hear and i always lose.

[tr****]

I feel your frustration…I’m in the same position…
I broke up recently with my partner after 3 years and half kind for this reason, I was asking something new, nothing too excessive or out of relationship. It’s just that feeling of routine that kills me…
It’s hard to get over and open yourself cause they don’t really understand anyway what you missing…

Sad story, I loved her and missing her continuously, having an empty feeling even more than before with the vanilla routine….

[Zis]

I just had a conversation about that yesterday. A relationship is an add on to my life and not a necessity. Im going out, love my friends and flirt with people without feeling lonely, because my platonical relationships are nurturing me to the fullest. And when I want to have sex I have it 😅
I dont think, that i could have a vanilla relationships without any kinks, but it doesnt have to be the kinkiest, if my partner is not in to it, because as a dom Im motivated by my sub. Footfetish is a must but not pegging for example... I just love the feeling of a warm mouth. But do I put that pressure on someone who isnt in to it? No.
It is our responsibility to check if our partners are into our kinks before we bind them to us with the idea of a vanilla relationship for years, just because we repress our needs for kinks, so we get laid or be hold by someone.
Man up...

[Lu****]

I think we like to hyperfocus on the things we don’t have. That *one* thing becomes everything and the rest is mentally lost. Everyone has to decide for themselves but you might find that it‘s worth giving up some kinks for having a stable relationship. Are the kinks worth being alone for long stretches?

[ey****]

if you have your pick of girls as you say, then it's not a trap. You are choosing to use people in relationships you know will ultimately be unfulfilling and you knowingly lead them on.   With all the women fawning at your feet, maybe forewarn that you're kinky, or meet people only from the kink circles?!

[Kf****]

If you know they are vanilla and you’re not you are the one making the mistake. You are getting involved with something you know won’t itch your ultimate scratch therefore hurting these women somewhat on purpose. That’s not respectful or caring at all. I, too, crave a mental connection and I’m not into stranger sex or random hookups and it’s extremely difficult to find in the kink community but I’ll never lead a vanilla man on just because I’m feeling a little bit lonely. I’ll keep trying for that mental connection in the kink friendly community.

[An****]

If you want an honest answer this is it. No one else on this website is going to tell you this.

Heal your wounds, and integrate your shadow. You are trying to have them do something for you that you are not willing to do for yourself.

Maybe it’s not that they are left with insecurities or dealing with a broken heart, but that you have insecurities and a broken heart yourself, that you have never tried to heal in healthy adaptive ways.

I can only guess by what you’re sayin… and not saying.

All I know is the problem usually contains the solutions when you actually slow down enough to realize who exactly you’re actually talking to.

I wish you luck on your journey.

[Th****]

Not being able to be honest as you go into these relationships makes you an unsafe partner for anything really . Especially for what you actually want .

I say this with empathy: treat others how you want to be treated and tend to your inner world . If you can’t be honest from the start you have other „fish to fry“ than being in relationships you have no business being in

[pi****]

I used to get caught up in that same cycle. But the last time I hurt someone really bad trying to delude myself that I could be completely satisfied in a completely vanilla relationship. It’s a little different for me being a woman. You feel guilty because society says as long as you’re being treated well and taken care of you should be happy. I got really caught up in playing the “good girl” role. Wanting what I was supposed to want. But eventually, once the sparkle of being “chosen” wore off, I found it hard to accept intimacy from him, dreading his calls, and never wanting to see him. I tried so hard to approach the breakup from the right angle to spare him as much hurt as possible. But in the end he was still devastated.

I felt trapped in that situation too. No one benefited from it. Especially not him. I refuse to get stuck in that sort of situation again. I never want to hurt anyone like that again.

[Mo****]

I recently had a similar conversation with some girlfriends that are vanilla. Some are ministers, and others have very authoritative or conservative personalities.

Honestly, it seems like everyone has some kink to them. It may not be the same type. This is where transparency and compromise come in.

Maybe it's just my observation and my friends. But it seems like most sweet ladies have a freak inside dying to explore with someone they can trust and be that *** with.
It's actually repressing and unsatisfying when she can't release this.

It's about trust, comfort, loyalty, and acceptance most times.

*** and shame are most people's greatest apprehensions. Also, education on such things. When I joined this app, I was naturally resistant to things that went beyond what I envisioned. My basic vanilla understanding caused me to *** stuff I knew nothing about. As I explored, with the right people, I became more into things.

I think what I am saying is that I think most people aren't strictly vanilla, and it's about connection.

[no****]

@thegoodgirl I think you are missing the point, its not being dishonest. Its about feeling like you will be happy in a vanilla relationship. I can assure you that not a one of my past partners would say im unsafe, kinknor vanilla partners. I also use the word relationship in today's hookup culture diffferent than many.

[no****]

It feels like many of the responses are not actually reading the message. I dont have women fawing over me, or my pick. That wouldnt make a difference regardless. Im not using anyone, Im not being dishonest and its not about sex. Im not dealing with a broken heart or any insecurities. It almost like Im reading your own issues coming out in a post you semi read. Saying kink is not a regular relationship is insulting to me to be honest. The dynamics are differnt, the love and commitment are often much deeper in my opinion. Its not deceiving others, It deceiving onself. Those who go to sex in their response are in my opinion have no clue what I am even speaking of, and are often the problem. People praying on others to do no more than fullfill their sexual desires. My kink, in my opinion is not about sex. Its not about fetishes, or specific acts. I dont have any fetishes that have to be met by my partners to be happy. It seems many dont understand. The connection in a power exchange relations is unparalleled in my opinion. The question could have been about anything. How do you keep yourself from settling?

[ra****]

so, why did you last kinky relationships end? and if those started off as vanilla relationships then what’s really the issue here, getting with a vanilla woman and hoping you win the 50/50 of if she turns out kinky or not? i believe you need to be more upfront with the women you’re giving your heart to and vice versa. if kink is truly this fundamentally important to your life then that’s something you need to tell a woman before dating her long term just like anything else. you say you keep breaking these women’s hearts but it could’ve been avoided if you simply told them that you are highly invested in kink before dating them. let me know if i misinterpreted your issue because i did read it thoroughly

[Kf****]

3 hours ago, nowcallmek said:

It feels like many of the responses are not actually reading the message. I dont have women fawing over me, or my pick. That wouldnt make a difference regardless. Im not using anyone, Im not being dishonest and its not about sex. Im not dealing with a broken heart or any insecurities. It almost like Im reading your own issues coming out in a post you semi read. Saying kink is not a regular relationship is insulting to me to be honest. The dynamics are differnt, the love and commitment are often much deeper in my opinion. Its not deceiving others, It deceiving onself. Those who go to sex in their response are in my opinion have no clue what I am even speaking of, and are often the problem. People praying on others to do no more than fullfill their sexual desires. My kink, in my opinion is not about sex. Its not about fetishes, or specific acts. I dont have any fetishes that have to be met by my partners to be happy. It seems many dont understand. The connection in a power exchange relations is unparalleled in my opinion. The question could have been about anything. How do you keep yourself from settling?

How sad that you’re choosing to date these women knowing it’s not your true desire then saying you’re the one “settling”. You said what you said and it’s appears most people are pointing out it’s a you problem, but you try to defend yourself saying we don’t understand. Truly you’re the one who isn’t getting it and sadly you’ll continue to hurt women who are trying to care for you. You are correct it’s not about sex what so ever and I desire the same intellectual connection and true exchange of power as you but I know dating a “vanilla” man just because I’m bored is wrong. Look within yourself and stop thinking you deserve better than how your treating these poor unsuspecting women you’re setting up.

[no****]

39 minutes ago, Kfunnbunn said:

How sad that you’re choosing to date these women knowing it’s not your true desire then saying you’re the one “settling”. You said what you said and it’s appears most people are pointing out it’s a you problem, but you try to defend yourself saying we don’t understand. Truly you’re the one who isn’t getting it and sadly you’ll continue to hurt women who are trying to care for you. You are correct it’s not about sex what so ever and I desire the same intellectual connection and true exchange of power as you but I know dating a “vanilla” man just because I’m bored is wrong. Look within yourself and stop thinking you deserve better than how your treating these poor unsuspecting women you’re setting up.

Its funny. Im getting messages that are strongly understanding my message and then the ones like yours that do not comprehend at all. There is no set up. I end up thinking it will work, I go into it fully committed and into it. But in the long term it leaves me still wanting. And my question was how to keep yourself from falling into the cycle. I honestly dont think it will happen again but a message I got last night brought the topic to mind. If a women said she didnt want to date a man with kids then met someone she really liked amd she ended up dating him regardless of his kids. Later on shes free to travel and live the kidless lifestyle and he is not. Then it leads to issues. Was she a predator for trying? Was she a bad person for allowing herself to think she could? Thers a million things you can tie this back to outside of any kink or relationship, the question is the same. How do we keep our minds from tricking us into settling?

[no****]

51 minutes ago, Kfunnbunn said:

How sad that you’re choosing to date these women knowing it’s not your true desire then saying you’re the one “settling”. You said what you said and it’s appears most people are pointing out it’s a you problem, but you try to defend yourself saying we don’t understand. Truly you’re the one who isn’t getting it and sadly you’ll continue to hurt women who are trying to care for you. You are correct it’s not about sex what so ever and I desire the same intellectual connection and true exchange of power as you but I know dating a “vanilla” man just because I’m bored is wrong. Look within yourself and stop thinking you deserve better than how your treating these poor unsuspecting women you’re setting up.

Also, its so easy to make a man appear a predator and thats what your doing by saying these poor unsuspecting women. Thats straight bullshit. I grow just as attached as they are. If someone entered a relationship unsure if it will last a life time does that make them a predator? Not in my mind but it seems to be in yours

[Kf****]

18 minutes ago, nowcallmek said:

Its funny. Im getting messages that are strongly understanding my message and then the ones like yours that do not comprehend at all. There is no set up. I end up thinking it will work, I go into it fully committed and into it. But in the long term it leaves me still wanting. And my question was how to keep yourself from falling into the cycle. I honestly dont think it will happen again but a message I got last night brought the topic to mind. If a women said she didnt want to date a man with kids then met someone she really liked amd she ended up dating him regardless of his kids. Later on shes free to travel and live the kidless lifestyle and he is not. Then it leads to issues. Was she a predator for trying? Was she a bad person for allowing herself to think she could? Thers a million things you can tie this back to outside of any kink or relationship, the question is the same. How do we keep our minds from tricking us into settling?

Yes she was a predator and yes she was a bad person for doing that. The question is the same as what you’re doing. Male vs female doesn’t matter. The way I see it we will agree to disagree, you don’t want to take the feedback you’re getting and that’s ok. Have a great day! 😘

[Ma****]

Have you tried being open and honest???? Or do you just want that feeling of closeness and familiarity.???

Many women ask me why I describe myself as a Dom, right off!!
"Because that is what I am. I want and crave a sub! I make sure that everyone knows what to expect!"

I try not to make a practice of breaking hearts and minds to satisfy my basal needs!!!

[st****]

I think it’s fair to give in to the “what-if” notion, especially when you’re starved for companionship.

My suggestion would be to make your intentions known up front but also in an ongoing manner. If you find yourself connecting with a woman that you deem to be vanilla but still want to explore it, let her know what you’re ultimately looking for. You can frame it in such a way that you’re not dismissing her worth or waiting for something better to come along, but rather just being transparent about what you’re looking for and why you don’t think a vanilla relationship is sustainable for you. Give her the facts, let her decide if she wants to continue with the relationship/connection.

Transparency is important here. You can’t make decisions affecting others without including them in the decision-making process.

[Ma****]

1 minute ago, stoutepoes said:

I think it’s fair to give in to the “what-if” notion, especially when you’re starved for companionship.

My suggestion would be to make your intentions known up front but also in an ongoing manner. If you find yourself connecting with a woman that you deem to be vanilla but still want to explore it, let her know what you’re ultimately looking for. You can frame it in such a way that you’re not dismissing her worth or waiting for something better to come along, but rather just being transparent about what you’re looking for and why you don’t think a vanilla relationship is sustainable for you. Give her the facts, let her decide if she wants to continue with the relationship/connection.

Transparency is important here. You can’t make decisions affecting others without including them in the decision-making process.

Outstanding! Well put! Thank you!!!

[no****]

2 hours ago, Kfunnbunn said:

Yes she was a predator and yes she was a bad person for doing that. The question is the same as what you’re doing. Male vs female doesn’t matter. The way I see it we will agree to disagree, you don’t want to take the feedback you’re getting and that’s ok. Have a great day! 😘

I love a good debate, neither is right or wrong its different opinions. Im not getting defensive even though i see how it comes across that way. I just dont like being made out to be some sort of predator as I know not a single ex I have would feel that way. And that is a fact.

[pi****]

4 hours ago, nowcallmek said:

Its funny. Im getting messages that are strongly understanding my message and then the ones like yours that do not comprehend at all. There is no set up. I end up thinking it will work, I go into it fully committed and into it. But in the long term it leaves me still wanting. And my question was how to keep yourself from falling into the cycle. I honestly dont think it will happen again but a message I got last night brought the topic to mind. If a women said she didnt want to date a man with kids then met someone she really liked amd she ended up dating him regardless of his kids. Later on shes free to travel and live the kidless lifestyle and he is not. Then it leads to issues. Was she a predator for trying? Was she a bad person for allowing herself to think she could? Thers a million things you can tie this back to outside of any kink or relationship, the question is the same. How do we keep our minds from tricking us into settling?

I understand where your coming from so I’m going to attempt to sum it up love. It’s the COST of failure. The person you could possibly end up hurting NEEDS to be enough to keep you from trying again. You have to put their wellbeing over you potentially missing out on a good person.

[Th****]

10 hours ago, nowcallmek said:

@thegoodgirl I think you are missing the point, its not being dishonest. Its about feeling like you will be happy in a vanilla relationship. I can assure you that not a one of my past partners would say im unsafe, kinknor vanilla partners. I also use the word relationship in today's hookup culture diffferent than many.

Well my argument stays the same . If you are being not honest with yourself you can’t be honest with others .
Knowing you can’t do a vanilla relationship and still doing it falls exactly in that category.

You have asked for advice and this is my answer . something is preventing you from finding what you seek. It’s upon you to find the cause and be open to receive feedback when asking for it

[Ob****]

Hey, i haven't looked at any comments, purely bcos i don't have the time. But the title caught my attention.

I think you've just got to man up and mention it, right at the beginning. Gently but clearly. Otherwise you end up forcing magic on muggles. 😊
.
That's unkind to muggles.
.
If the women numbers are there, as you say, you'll hit the jackpot soon anyway. So where's the problem?

And strengthen your constitution towards your espoused values. If you want kink, hold out for it, dammit. Cos the only thing worse than a muggle is an inbetweener.

To quote Eminem in 8 mile. "There's no such thing as half way-crooks."

And be happy that you're having fun, that women find you attractive to give you their energy. Thats an amazing thing to have. Worship it, and her.

[Ba****]

12 hours ago, DanTienDomD said:

Hey, i haven't looked at any comments, purely bcos i don't have the time. But the title caught my attention.

I think you've just got to man up and mention it, right at the beginning. Gently but clearly. Otherwise you end up forcing magic on muggles. 😊
.
That's unkind to muggles.
.
If the women numbers are there, as you say, you'll hit the jackpot soon anyway. So where's the problem?

And strengthen your constitution towards your espoused values. If you want kink, hold out for it, dammit. Cos the only thing worse than a muggle is an inbetweener.

To quote Eminem in 8 mile. "There's no such thing as half way-crooks."

And be happy that you're having fun, that women find you attractive to give you their energy. Thats an amazing thing to have. Worship it, and her.

Wise words indeed…