Life with a Vanilla partner

[Sh****]

Can one truly be happy with a vanilla partner? Can you ever scratch that itch with someone who is not on the same level as you. I personally do not think so but i have seen these complications be a issue.. so let's here your thoughts on if someone can keep there kinks as bay for love...

[ba****]

Nope you’ll always want it and look for a way to get it

[Fl****]

No, you will always desire what you want and then step out to find it or just be miserable.
I feel it's imperative to communicate kinks , desires, fantasies from the beginning before getting in to deep.

[Deleted Member]

Im curious, haveyouve ever sat down and had a discussion with your partner? I know I have made the mistake in the past of being hesitant about discussing kinks or even just frank conversations with partners before I fully explored my own likes. But what I have found since, is that it can often be assumed that our partner is vanilla, but find out later that they actually have kinks and it was just never expressed.

[wa****]

Well, this is my struggle and how I ended up here and not in bed talking about these things with my wife of 10 years. My question after spilling the beans about my kinks and getting nothing but rejection and disgust from her was “who else can I talk to about this” and it was like talking to my mom. She then gaslit me about my feelings of judgement and turned the whole thing around to make me feel like I’d just signed up for a roast.

Been super depressed ever since so I came on here to just be able to talk about kinks. Funny how even in this format people still shut down and I feel like I’m back in therapy trying to get voice heard. She ms not open to being open but doesn’t love what I love so it’s hard is all.

[wa****]

Thanks Mizz, I’ve been chatting with some people on here, getting to know my pace as well as what it may take for others. I’m always curious to know people with my kinks so I’m hoping to find them one day. Just to relate not do them with each other unless it feels like I just can’t live without it.

[Ju****]

2 hours ago, wack-feels said:

Well, this is my struggle and how I ended up here and not in bed talking about these things with my wife of 10 years. My question after spilling the beans about my kinks and getting nothing but rejection and disgust from her was “who else can I talk to about this” and it was like talking to my mom. She then gaslit me about my feelings of judgement and turned the whole thing around to make me feel like I’d just signed up for a roast.

Been super depressed ever since so I came on here to just be able to talk about kinks. Funny how even in this format people still shut down and I feel like I’m back in therapy trying to get voice heard. She ms not open to being open but doesn’t love what I love so it’s hard is all.

I have a very similar struggle. I like this girl but she cums in like 5 minutes almost like she's having a seizure. After this, she's finished, and I mean for the next day or so. Rarely does she have more than one orgasm, and when she does, she's done for a week.
My sex drive is very high, and I have the stamina for a sexual marathon. I have this primal need to satisfy my partner 100%, I crave this the way a predator craves the warm flesh of its prey. I strive to satisfy both mentally and physically, but I need it to last longer than 5 minutes. If I go down on her and she cums, she is finished, nothing else, lights out. I can't even touch her anywhere on her body for an hour or more because she's too sensitive.
Se is completely finished before I am even started. Other than this, she's perfect.
And for everyone looking at this from the other way around, it's like having sex with a guy who is a two pump chump, and after he cums he goes limp and you didn't even have enough time to fake an orgasm.
Also, does this make me an asshole?

[Li****]

I couldn't do a vanilla relationship, I'd get bored and get quite angry at how bored I'd get! I'm naturally a sub and a little and couldn't hold it in.

[ra****]

This is why my profile is so crazy because no, I cannot. I don’t even want to contemplate somebody that’s vanilla or not on the same level of kinks as I am. This is why I people should find out, especially if they’re kinky what the other person is into before learning about them there was this one comedian I wish I remember her name, but she stated why would I let you into my mind if you can’t satisfy me in bed and that rang true you let somebody vanilla into your life or somebody with not the same kinks into your life and you end up being unfulfilled on multiple levels while there are for most part being fulfilled, it’s not a fair relationship

[Ko****]

I definitely see it as a problem but with open communication maybe. There is room for the partner to grow into something enjoyable. Roleplaying to their best ability. If it really is an issue I believe a true partner would be able to entertain some form of ENM to "scratch the itch" with much communication and transparency from both sides

[wa****]

13 minutes ago, rainbowcataclysm said:

This is why my profile is so crazy because no, I cannot. I don’t even want to contemplate somebody that’s vanilla or not on the same level of kinks as I am. This is why I people should find out, especially if they’re kinky what the other person is into before learning about them there was this one comedian I wish I remember her name, but she stated why would I let you into my mind if you can’t satisfy me in bed and that rang true you let somebody vanilla into your life or somebody with not the same kinks into your life and you end up being unfulfilled on multiple levels while there are for most part being fulfilled, it’s not a fair relationship

I whole heartedly agree, I do tend to be more upfront with the ones I get the vibes from and have struck out literally every time when it comes to finding someone on my page kinks wise. The rejection is a trauma of its own then facing the scrutiny of a long term partner on top of it has made me someone I don’t want to be at times. A liar. Motherhood had its effects on her role sexually and it went from explorative to vanilla in a years time. What keeps you there you ask? The fact that I want a family and love too. The kinks feel so unimportant in that scope but it doesn’t take away their importance to me personally if that makes sense so I’m thankful for this space to be able to relate to people like me

[Fa****]

No, it eventually does not.
I was married 20 yrs and we were not on the same page for at least half of that time. Leaving both unsatisfied.
But it ultimately depends on the people.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, wack-feels said:

Well, this is my struggle and how I ended up here and not in bed talking about these things with my wife of 10 years. My question after spilling the beans about my kinks and getting nothing but rejection and disgust from her was “who else can I talk to about this” and it was like talking to my mom. She then gaslit me about my feelings of judgement and turned the whole thing around to make me feel like I’d just signed up for a roast.

Been super depressed ever since so I came on here to just be able to talk about kinks. Funny how even in this format people still shut down and I feel like I’m back in therapy trying to get voice heard. She ms not open to being open but doesn’t love what I love so it’s hard is all.

I hope it was not my first post asking if you had discussed it with your partner that ended up as bashing. Truly not intending that at all. I can understand your struggle. However, and take what I have to say with a grain of salt, but if I had a partner react to me when I am opening up about my wants/needs. Id walk away. Not being into the same kinks is one thing. Making you feel ashamed for having desires is wrong.

[PresentisPeculiar]

Not advocating this. But...some definitions of ethical non-monogamy can be stretched by some in similar circumstances. One way is to find someone of similar circumstance through places like this, and agree to fill that role at some frequency that is manageable. They mutually assured destruction often covers the feels concern, and you keep things surface...not a lot of personal details. Frequency needs to be staggered and not intrusive. Your spouse is not confronted with the kink. This only should be thought about if you really do not want to lose your partner/this is the only thing wrong and you find yourself idealizing risky behavior to get your kink. It's akin to drug harm reduction but don't think it eliminated harm. You have to be able to compartmentalize and never get a weak moment where your own anxiety causes you to tor*** your partners until-then happy life because you can't handle the burden you brought to the game. Only even think of this if your relationship is otherwise unassailable and you are going to fk up anyways, but with much higher risk (going to strangers, etc). This is not a cure all or even adviseable ..but it is better than getting risky and for some is better then leaving and pursuing a relationship with said kink. I am not advocating this at all. But it's a consideration in certain circumstances. Also. If you want it to work, you will only be getting tastes of your kink...it won't support a full time appetite.

[Mi****]

I tried for years and only ended in disappointment. I don’t even try vanilla anymore. Even just casual dating, I don’t find the satisfaction in it.

[Ba****]

I can't. I've tried it before. Never again. I am not just a bottom. I am a sub. I need that PE to have a fulfilling relationship. Without it I don't get any pleasure out of any of it.

[Deleted Member]

My Dom wasn’t a dom when we met, and at most after talking about it and figuring it out- he has become a soft Dom. I will say that I think it depends on your foundation. I didn’t get into my current LTR interested or looking for Kink. I had it before, liked it but it wasn’t what I wanted as that prior relationship was a bad experience. However, I did find it coming back, I asked and talked to my partner and eventually it became something we did together lightly. It’s not a daily thing but I love him more than kink. So I think it depends heavily on the foundation and compromise of everything. I will sit and say there were some problems in the beginning as expected and it took time but I was okay with that and if I knew that if I had to give it up- then I was personally okay with it.

Kink for me doesn’t define the bedroom. We still had great sex without it and maybe that makes me vanilla as well, or maybe I don’t have enough experience with it (I’ve only been in the lifestyle for 4 years on/off). Overall, It depends and I believe it cannot be one or the other.

[Sh****]

4 hours ago, KonradBull said:

I definitely see it as a problem but with open communication maybe. There is room for the partner to grow into something enjoyable. Roleplaying to their best ability. If it really is an issue I believe a true partner would be able to entertain some form of ENM to "scratch the itch" with much communication and transparency from both sides

That's why I'm here. My partner doesn't have a dominant bone in his body, and quite frankly I'm bored. We opened our relationship almost a year ago, and he really did it for me. He hasn't even gone out yet, and it's been a year. It's working for us, and yes, trust and communication is HUGE. On all sides.

[MizzCuriosity]

4 hours ago, Just_lookin-4-fun said:

I have a very similar struggle. I like this girl but she cums in like 5 minutes almost like she's having a seizure. After this, she's finished, and I mean for the next day or so. Rarely does she have more than one orgasm, and when she does, she's done for a week.
My sex drive is very high, and I have the stamina for a sexual marathon. I have this primal need to satisfy my partner 100%, I crave this the way a predator craves the warm flesh of its prey. I strive to satisfy both mentally and physically, but I need it to last longer than 5 minutes. If I go down on her and she cums, she is finished, nothing else, lights out. I can't even touch her anywhere on her body for an hour or more because she's too sensitive.
Se is completely finished before I am even started. Other than this, she's perfect.
And for everyone looking at this from the other way around, it's like having sex with a guy who is a two pump chump, and after he cums he goes limp and you didn't even have enough time to fake an orgasm.
Also, does this make me an asshole?

She doesn’t give a rats ass about you, and you deserve BETTER. As soon as she gets hers she’s done, much the way a lot of guys do us girls…and it ain’t right. You deserve someone that wants to satisfy you AD MUCH as you want to satisfy her!!

[Valleyfever]

I tried with my ex he was embarrassed and only did it cause I begged now that we are not together he's all kinds of dominant smh

[ey****]

context applies, but in general if you are kinky and the other person is not - then it's probably not going to work long term

sometimes people enter relationships kidding themselves. But the reality is that you need you partner on board with the kinks or roles you cannot do without.  This could mean including them in your relationship. It could mean being given a blessing to seek it elsewhere. (on some form of open/ENM relationship basis)

but it just does depend on what you feel is stuff you can live without, and what your dealbreakers are - and sticking with them.  People get 10 years and 2 kids into things and then decide something they've been keeping surpressed for 11 years really is too long now.

[MizzCuriosity]

5 hours ago, wack-feels said:

I whole heartedly agree, I do tend to be more upfront with the ones I get the vibes from and have struck out literally every time when it comes to finding someone on my page kinks wise. The rejection is a trauma of its own then facing the scrutiny of a long term partner on top of it has made me someone I don’t want to be at times. A liar. Motherhood had its effects on her role sexually and it went from explorative to vanilla in a years time. What keeps you there you ask? The fact that I want a family and love too. The kinks feel so unimportant in that scope but it doesn’t take away their importance to me personally if that makes sense so I’m thankful for this space to be able to relate to people like me

Sorry that motherhood did that to you, I never let motherhood get in the way of my sexual life…just hadn’t discovered all of this just yet, but wish I had

[ra****]

My last serious partner really liked to TALK about kink with me, but he never wanted to actually try anything out... like in discussion he was v kinky but in practice v vanilla. It kinda drove me nuts at first but eventually i figured out that was just how he expressed it. Discussion/intellectual rather than IRL. Once i realized that it was hot to me and enough for my enjoyment and I felt mostly satisfied most of the time, and when i wasnt we talked about it. it worked for us. We separated for unrelated reasons. All that to say, i think it depends on the individual people, their dynamic they created, how much it means to them as individuals, what kind of relationship, etc.

[Sh****]

Not describing my situation. I was in a marriage that started when we were younger. She tried to accommodate my needs but was not going to work. We split after the affair on her end and tried to make it work but we just wanted different things out of our relationship. After all the issues that came from our situation I will never date someone who is not on the same page as me again. I cannot go unsatisfied like I did again. I have tried to satisfy my needs over the years and remain faithful and that was a real challenge.

[Sa****]

Nope