Kinky Sex is a Spectrum: My Vanilla is Your Kink

We all have our own definitions of what's kink or vanilla, and none of these is wrong. Writer Kayla Lords explores the fact that sex is a spectrum, no matter your level of kinkiness.

The kinky sex spectrum is vast and diverse. When you think of getting kinky, what comes to mind? Is it ropes and chains and ***? Maybe you think of anal sex or canings. Too scary? Okay, maybe getting spanked while calling your partner, “Daddy” seems pretty kinky. Or it’s pulling out the vibrator and holding it on your clit while you get fucked. What’s the point? My point is this - sex is a spectrum, and one person’s kink is another person’s vanilla.

What does it mean to be vanilla?

The most common definition I see for “vanilla” is having “typical” sex - think missionary position. Some people use vanilla in a negative way. For me, I call anything that’s not kinky, “vanilla”. Being vanilla isn’t a bad thing. Being kinky doesn’t make your life perfect. Sex is a spectrum, and there are no absolutes. To me, even the kinkiest sex act could become your vanilla if you do it often enough and it’s part of your routine, even if an outsider would classify it as a kink.

Being kinky means pushing boundaries, going outside of the typical, and trying things you may have once considered too dirty or off-limits. At the same time, kink may give you a feeling of being adventurous.

If sex is a spectrum, where do I belong?

If you’re the type who enjoys experimenting with sex, within a few months of trying something new - ball gags, threesomes, orgasm control - you won’t consider it nearly as kinky as you do the first time you try it. With a good partner who gains your total trust, certain things that were off-limits, in the beginning, maybe up for discussion and consideration later.

Your perspective will shift as you become accustomed to different sex acts, toys, and positions. Hopefully, you’ll discard the stuff you don’t enjoy, embrace the things you do, and keep experimenting. When the day comes that you wonder what the big deal is when someone confesses in hushed tones that they were spanked and they liked it, you’ll know you’re fully entrenched on the kinky sex spectrum.

Sex is a spectrum: handcuffs and a black feather
Kinky or not, sex is a spectrum and one person's kink is another's vanilla.

Your kink isn’t my kink, but your kink is okay

Because the idea that sex is a spectrum of behaviour and not an absolute, it’s worth discussing kink-shaming. If everyone involved is able and willing to give legal consent, then whatever they do is fine with me. I’m not into water sports, ***, or *** play. Frankly, it squicks me out a bit. But that doesn’t mean I think less of someone because they enjoy it.

The opposite is true, too. If someone feels completely kinky because they masturbated with their partner I’m not going to be the one to tell them that it’s not “really” kinky or that I do that all the time. This isn’t about me, and how I view a particular sexual act, it’s about the people involved. They did something they considered out of the norm, and possibly dirty and erotic, and called it kink. Everyone has there own place on the kinky sex spectrum.

Kinky sex is a spectrum that needs no labels

There are those of us who enjoy some part of bondage, discipline, sadism, or masochism and wilfully and joyfully acknowledge our BDSM lifestyle or (at the very least) interest are one type of kinkster. Then there are those who tie up their partners, spank bottoms, and take control - or are on the receiving end - who doesn’t care about or follow BDSM. They’re not interested in labels and may not even consider themselves part of the kinky sex spectrum.

For those people who think everything and everyone should have a label, breathe into a paper bag on this one. It’s okay that people have fetishes and kinks and don’t subscribe to the BDSM lifestyle. Do I think they could get something out of it or add something to the community if they joined in? Of course, I do - the community needs all kinds of perspectives. Should they be made to feel guilty because they’re not interested? Never.

What really matters

Consent of all parties involved, pleasure, fulfilment, and zero judgments. When you hear someone comment with wide eyes and a bit of pearl-clutching about having rough sex and getting kinky, remember that their kink might be your vanilla. The point is that there’s sex is a spectrum, and there is no one right way to get your kink on.

Kayla Lords is a freelance writer, sex blogger, and a masochistic babygirl living the 24/7 D/s life.