Life with a Vanilla partner

[su****]

Yes, my situation. With bit of hope she'll come back to fet games. Otherwise thisvid, maybe some sporadic adventure... I question the opposite, does a Ms lead inevitably to the M losing attraction/looking for a different "alfa" partner after depreciation of the sub?

[PO****]

I CAN NOT DO A VANILLA PARTNER. HE HAS TO BE CHOCOLATE PREFERABLY WITH DREADLOCKS. BUT DEFINITELY NOT VANILLA

[Deleted Member]

I know a man who is far from vanilla and had an adventurous relationship in the past. That ended and he met a woman who is vanilla, got engaged and now they have 2 kids. I asked why he settled for that and he said there is more to life than just sex. Yes he misses some stuff he used to get up to but he also knows his fiancée is good for him, a great partner and a mum. So I guess it depends on a person.

[Deleted Member]

Me personally, no. I have specific qualities that have to be met to even be entertained. Why? Because I know what I’m compatible with.

[Do****]

Yeah I like vanilla it’s not what I’m actively seeing but if you two are in love then maybe conversations can be had about spicing things up

[Ki****]

I really wrestled with how to reply. Most men take organisms for granted. Many women just hope that the sex is not too bad. I think it may be the difference between "needs" and "cravings". Offspring need not be fed, you crave sex not hurting (in a bad way). For my generation, we said "at least he doesn't hit me" as a valid reason to stay. Not to belittle your cravings, but if they are interfering with your relationship, maybe there's something else going on. Or maybe she can't articulate why she doesn't want to do a particular activity. I've discovered on here that what I consider vanilla, some consider kink. (I keep laughing at men that think going without panties is a big deal. If I'm ***d to where them, I have to dig them out somewhere from the bottom of my closet. They are evil!) So, if you say "I want to get kniky.", she might reflexively hate it. But if you said, "Honey, it's your day off. I heard online that some women just wear sweats alone around the house.", you may be in for a surprise. Especially if she's nuerospicy and they bother her. Can someone make braless the new fashion trend, please???

[Ba****]

Well it depends on your “level”
On one side you have people who like to “play” occasionally, they might get lucky enough to find a open minded and adventurous vanilla partner who may be willing to compromise and if not there are “workers” available for that, while on the other side you have people who need more than just a play partner, for them a exclusively monogamous vanilla relationship would be irresponsible, potentially harmful and self destructive

But in general you may wanna be in dialogue with any potential vanilla partners about how open the relationship needs to be for everybody’s needs to be fulfilled

Also i’ve personally been both too intense and too boring for the same person before so in this case interpersonal compatibility is way more important than levels and labels
If you play with the “wrong” kind of p@in for example both a vanilla and a masochist will likely have the same negative reaction

[Pa****]

I got raised in an era (or environment... or both) where kinks were taboo and not forums talking about that was not as easy to find. I found love with a vanilla partner and had fantasies that stayed as fantasies for a long time...

I ended up talking about it with her and she was open to try some things and we did... opening that door and exploring that universe was fun but it created a new problem... I discovered myself a need to be a dominant partner, as a lifestyle... and for her being a sub was just bedroom play and there was a lot of hmm no I'm not comfy with this ... or that... and that created new tensions and drove us apart over time. I still love her. She always have a place in my heart but we are no longer partners... and now I have a new partner who wanted to belong to me. She is my sub in a 24/7 TPE and we love and trust each other.

[Pi****]

I’m huge on communication and find that prior to my current celibacy. When a woman was “vanilla” she usually had a very secret fetish, fantasy.

Or just doesn’t talk about her deeper desires. Either because she’s had never had a great reception or he flipped out for various reasons. And on rare occasions it’s super freaky and the odds that someone is into it is highly unlikely. Most people are open minded until it’s time to be open minded.

One way I like to see what she’s really into is what her porn history is. I have met a few women who say that they don’t watch porn but it turns out not to be true. Or they don’t watch porn but their audiobook collection has mostly graphic novels or straight up smut based in a fantasy realm. It’s really cute when it’s based in a fantasy genre. When I finally get a chance to read or watch some of “shameful” vices I will do my best to bring it to life. I have done that many times and after placing myself out there. She has always come around.

It’s funny how many women say they are open minded, freaky etc and in actuality they are not freaky, kinky or even adventurous in the bedroom. The most risqué thing they did was flash their breast at a nude beach. Bottom line communication is key and putting your self out there. Giving a little to get a little goes a long way.

[An****]

No and it’s worse if you know they were more sexual in their past than they are with you.

[Ba****]

17 hours ago, Anthony1981 said:

No and it’s worse if you know they were more sexual in their past than they are with you.

Wait people usually calm down with age
How and why is them having been more active in the past worse??

[Si****]

In my situation, I was young when I was introduced to kinks and exploring sexual experiences. The person that introduced me to these experiences is the one who has become vanilla after our kids hit a certain age. I had agreed to put our lifestyle and events on hold until it was a good time to get back in. That time has come and my wife now expresses her conservativeness when it comes to her sexuality. So in my opinion I don't think one can be happy with a vanilla person because to me vanilla lifestyle people are closed minded and judgemental.

[JackJonesHull]

I feel that the answer depends entirely on the two people involved and their history.

Obviously the situation will always grate if nothing else, inevitably it will probably lead to a split. But it might not.

If it's something that's happened over time, that one or other has drifted to vanilla, but other benefits have risen to the fore, whatever they may be, then you/they probably can still be ecstatically happy.

[sw****]

Yes.

[Mr****]

That is where I found the benifits of ENM, my wife is mostly vanilla and doesn't share my interests. So I play with others to scratch that itch.

[Ki****]

SinCityPleasure, I've seen the opposite. Women who were/are vanilla because their husband's were and they were drilled that sexual pleasure or sexually was: unforgivable sin, selfish, a risk to job and custody, Unhealthy and, if kids found out, possibly criminal. Especially for women raised during the AIDS epidemic. At a certain point in life, they become more risk taking. That's why spicy romance sells.

[Li****]

Me trying to *** a kinky + vanilla relationship is what killed me and my ex. I was gonna marry him till I asked him to French kiss me and he called me disgusting. That's when I knew I had to leave before it was too late.

[Go****]

I can’t understand why anyone would want to *** themselves into a relationship with a partner who was t erotically compatible with them.

Why?

Like even if you’re both awesome and love each other, if the sex doesn’t fit there’s surely better partners for each of you out there.

I know a degree of compromise is often wise in seeking g partnerships, but I could never be in a relationship with someone I wasn’t sexually compatible with, and that includes both the kink and the vanilla aspects of my sexuality as I’m personally a romantic and sensual person as well as being a pretty hardcore Dom that likes to play very very very hard.

Could t be with someone who doesn’t meet me across the spectrum long term. Not in a LTR.

[PresentisPeculiar]

8 hours ago, GodMadeMeKinky said:

I can’t understand why anyone would want to *** themselves into a relationship with a partner who was t erotically compatible with them.

Why?

Like even if you’re both awesome and love each other, if the sex doesn’t fit there’s surely better partners for each of you out there.

I know a degree of compromise is often wise in seeking g partnerships, but I could never be in a relationship with someone I wasn’t sexually compatible with, and that includes both the kink and the vanilla aspects of my sexuality as I’m personally a romantic and sensual person as well as being a pretty hardcore Dom that likes to play very very very hard.

Could t be with someone who doesn’t meet me across the spectrum long term. Not in a LTR.

Sometimes you start compatible. But over a long relationship one changes and 20 year down the road with a life you built together, family, true love to the core of your being...you no longer are fully compatible sexually. It's not so easy then. Destroy the very life you built over an unexpected path sexually? It is an aspect, an important one, but only one aspect to a relationship. What to do next becomes 100x more difficult than a simple yes or no choice.

[Wa****]

Being with my vanilla partner for years still brings me intimacy and support but I can’t tell her to explore kinks. For me to dominate her and grow out trust. Alas maybe

[de****]

If where talking about Snowbunnys there good at sex!

[at****]

All due respect thus question makes no sense. Have you ever been in love? If you truly love someone you wouldn't even think about it. People throw around the word love entirely too much if you've ever loved you know what I mean. It's not even a thought.

[PresentisPeculiar]

21 hours ago, atlanta18172 said:

All due respect thus question makes no sense. Have you ever been in love? If you truly love someone you wouldn't even think about it. People throw around the word love entirely too much if you've ever loved you know what I mean. It's not even a thought.

disagree. There are people who can compartmentalize and truly love someone to the core but have capacity for some surface level of intimacy for others. SImilarly, you can, as I mentioned above, enter into your life with someone both solidly vanilla but over 20 or 30 years, one or the other finds a real interest in fetish/BDSM and the other has not grown that way. You don't stop loving that person. You just realize you can't do the things you really want to experience with them because to leverage your love to get them to do something they do not enjoy is manipulative, but you have to find out what it is all about. I think there is a form of ethical cheating in this scenario...but the ethical lies largely on the person to not expose their mate to the *** and embarassment of finding out...so no affairs, no emotional ties. You can revel in the physical discovery without losing love for someone else. I don't advocate that path, but I understand there is somewhere between monogomy and affaris of intimacy/heart where it is reduced to sex only that might be the release for someone in that situation who has no desire to leave their mate but is becoming consumed with this other form of sexuality that they simply cannot get at home. It might be better to run a closed shop/loop search for that experience, maybe even professional only, than to come blow up your marriage AND your spouses marriage and life for being incompatible. Think of the damage you are causing there for "honesty".
Love and sex go hand in hand, but love and interest in forms of sex don't necessarily meet. There's no one way to approach it. I know what i would and would not do. But more importantly, I'm not going to judge someone who takes those steps. If they fail to execute properly, they will suffer the consequences. It's not up to me to offer more.

[ch****]

I married a vanilla and I'm miserable.

[br****]

15 hours ago, choc349691 said:

I married a vanilla and I'm miserable.

I almost did and so glad it fell through