Hypocrisy and double standards

[xx****]

Hypocrisy and double standards....Im curious and would love to have feedback. So where do I start lol my mind becomes a jumbled mess of thoughts sometimes...so has anyone experienced hypocrisy or double standards in their relationships? Whether its dom/sub gf/bf whatever relationship. If so how do you feel about it? Do you have a relationship where you are the hypocrite or you hold the double standard? If so why and why do you think its ok? I had a sub tell me " you think your in control but I hold all the power because without my consent there is nothing" Its a statement and sentiment that has stuck with me. The statement is absolutely true without the consent of a sub there is no dom....yet doesn't that consent flow both ways? Pertinence of the statement is I feel its the foundation of the double standards and the hypocrisy... I have so much more on my mind about this subject but its getting so long winded already so let me know your thoughts

[La****]

It goes both ways. Don’t let it wreck your mind. Without the ownership and a lead from a dom, the sub can’t do nothing too.
Consent is not exclusive for only one participant. Both hold power in their own ways.
A dominant, as the title says, would be dominating and take control of the relationship. They make the plan and lead the connection/play. Make sure it runs smoothly and safely.
The sub, as the title says—submitting and following the rules. Be a good servant to please.
Both got gratification from their own roles. And both need each other.
If you’re easily shaken as a dom, then you need to learn more how to be one. Strong principles and sense of responsibility are very important.
And if you’re thinking that you hold all the power as a sub, that means you’re not one. And you also need to learn how to sub correctly. To serve and to please but safe in a dominant’s embrace should be in a complete package.
The person you’re talking to was trying to guilt trip you and apparently don’t know what they’re doing. Entitled and disrespectful.

[py****]

Absolutly

[xx****]

Hmmmm not easily shaken just wanted to hear feedback from both subs and doms on how they feel im curious is all and i agree with alot of how you feel its give and take on a ground of equality and the expectations should go both ways as well.....i dont know if it was a guilting me more so thats just how her mind works and it seems like there are quite a few "subs" that feel this way and there are alot of doms that allow it some allow it out of desperation and the rush that being a "dom" gets them and *** if the sub leaves they will be alone and the "subs" knowing that maybe its primal instinct lol idk for sure

[Ti****]

It takes
Two consensual people to play that out! Choices are respected . So both statements are
True !

[Ba****]

“without the consent of the sub there is no dom…” really?? Don’t get me wrong consent is important for practicing ethically but if you where single would you call yourself vanilla?? Or does a man has to have a woman to be a man??

On your general question while i would call myself a hypocrite if kind of split on to what degree
I’m hetero, territorial and non-monogamous, which in my case means i would want to be the only man within the relationship structure i’m part of but i would prefer only being involved half of a homo-romantic bisexual couple over having two monogamous heterosexual women just for myself and while i obviously do have some selfish motivations most reasons i can think of are for their benefit
So i’m honestly not sure how to think about that

On the statement of the sub you mentioned
I tried to have a discussion on that in another thread, it didn’t get far and wasn’t really productive
Arguing that it’s mostly a “fe facto vs de jure” kind of thing and a “illusion made true by community consensus for safety reasons”, wasn’t a popular opinion
But it basically boiled down to: at the start both have basically the same power(of both types), than via power exchange the dom ends up being the one actually holding the power of the sub(this part is exclusively “de facto”), the sentiment that the sub holds more power(mostly “de jure” in this case) seems to mostly come from their words being perceived to have more weight because their “no/safe-word” needs to be at least perceived to be equivalent to the totality of their doms power(both types again) and the reason i called it an “illusion”(very unpopular term which received all the attention in the statement by the way) is 1) the power exchange mentioned above and 2) the dom holds the exact same “de jure” power
But while if a dom does something a sub doesn’t like all they can rely on is their “de jure” power even a uncreative dom has like a half dozen ways to use their “de facto” power instead if a sub does something they disagree with
Yes it’s hypocritical, yes it’s a misconception but no it’s not a bug it’s a safety feature, it’s there for a good reason
(Hope I don’t get implied to be an ***r again^^)

Ps if your sub says that again maybe put her in some secure restraints with little wiggle room and sit on the side to read a book or something, if she asks to be released just tell her to use all that power the holds to free herself😉
Could be a nice reality check

[Bl****]

It is the same in all relationships. Without it being mutually decided upon, it doesn’t exist. If both partners don’t play their part… If my Dom decided he no longer wanted to take charge the dynamic would be over, and if I decide to no longer submit it would be over. The cooperation and communication is key to continued success. It isn’t everything, but it will help you both continue to choose each other and your dynamic. If we are focused on meeting each other’s needs in our own complimentary way both our cups are full. It should be a pleasure to dominate AND submit to the right person. 🖤

[Bl****]

2 minutes ago, BlondeReader1988 said:

It is the same in all relationships. Without it being mutually decided upon, it doesn’t exist. If both partners don’t play their part… If my Dom decided he no longer wanted to take charge the dynamic would be over, and if I decide to no longer submit it would be over. The cooperation and communication is key to continued success. It isn’t everything, but it will help you both continue to choose each other and your dynamic. If we are focused on meeting each other’s needs in our own complimentary way both our cups are full. It should be a pleasure to dominate AND submit to the right person. 🖤

I apologize. I just realized as I pressed send I do not use inclusive wording for sub and dom. I believe in all of you and your kinky abilities! 😜

[ey****]

6 hours ago, xxxhokingu said:

I had a sub tell me " you think your in control but I hold all the power because without my consent there is nothing" Its a statement and sentiment that has stuck with me. The statement is absolutely true without the consent of a sub there is no dom....yet doesn't that consent flow both ways?

You're right

And this is something the kinda often is something that has me pulling what's left of my hair out

So on one hand I don't think it's necessarily an example of hypocrisy/double standards - but it's still an errernous statement.   

Like, yeah - sure - the sub can turn around tomorrow and say "I withdraw all my consent" absolutely.  But then also tomorrow you can turn around and say "I don't want to do this any more" - every 'tool' available to the sub, is available to the Dominant.   

Now sometimes people say this type of thing cos actually they're either romanticising things, or don't quite have the understanding. Either is forgiveable.

But some (and this is true of sub and Dominant) use it to be manipulative - i.e. do as I say or I'll withdraw consent*.     And some use it to defect (i.e. a Dominant accused of wrongdoing trying to defend as "the sub is the one in control") 

(*though I can think of scenarios where this is valid, especially if one party is boundary pushing, i.e. keep within my limits or I won't play with you at all) 

[wb****]

I have been told by a few Dom’s I as the sub hold the “true” power in the relationship because I can end everything at any time.

I disagree, here’s why. As a sub I have a safe word to end the interaction true, however my Dom has the same. He (in my case) can end everything at any point just as easily as I can, if not easier. The only real difference is who has to “request” the end via a safe word. Which is the sub, the Dom can just say we’re done and everything stops, whereas the sub can’t. Also it is up to the Dom as to whether the sub is released from bindings.

I know there are going to be people who say using the safe word isn’t requesting the play to end. I would challenge you to think of the number of boundaries that get ignored. The number of people who have said no and not been heard.

In my opinion it is the Dom, Master, Owner, Rigger, Tamer, Hunter who has the power. It is 💯 up to them if the encounter is going to end when we say we want it to.

[pi****]

Yea, my last partner leaned on me heavily during his mental health crisis all the time. I was always there for him. Talked him through it constantly, brought him home cooked meals when he was too depressed to cook. Massaged his feet and body when he felt dysregulated. The one time I had a health crisis and wanted comfort he told me I was weak for trying to depend on him.

[Ma****]

Consent isn’t a double standard, it’s the structure. A Dom’s power only exists after the sub consents, not instead of it. Both sides give consent, both can withdraw it. That’s not hypocrisy, it’s the foundation of D/s.

[Wi****]

Are you able and willing to tell her to pack up and get out? 🤔 find a replacement it sounds like Resentment

[Ro****]

Pov from a solo poly sub, most definitely it flows both ways. Either one can end a scene, connection or dynamic. To thrive in a healthy dynamic it is necessary that both benefit and hold power in thier own way.

[Pa****]

if you're confused by this you shouldn't call yourself a dom. Consent is give after trust...its an exchange not a standard.....a double standard would be...your sub saying they can have other partners, but you can't. Maybe you meant something else.....and maybe it's your ego that's confused because perhaps you thought as a "dom" you held all the power...but it's not the case...it's a power exchange. theres tons of ways to research the dynamic.

[Ry****]

Relationships that are purely transactional only hold contradictions without resolution. A connection that recognizes its dynamics and upholds its connection based on trust indeed recognize these things flow both ways.

[jpb]

Dude, stop complaining you sound līke a spoilt child who has been told no. And if this is you just fimding out that the sub does have the power then its a good lessom to learn although how your brain hasnt figured that out already i dont know. You are granted power when they give consent. Now, if this
Is something you can not overcome then what you are looking for a SLAVE not a su.

Id be interested to know what made the sub say that to you, does sound like youve been jedi mind tricked into thinking your the dom

i also think people take roles too seriously, if being a dom or sub defines you and is a dynamic that has to be maintained all the time s, thats sad

[ra****]

A power dynamic is all about finding the right balance for both people.

It sounds like you’re just asking a question to try to understand something that doesn’t make sense, but I’m assuming you’re actually asking for the right reasons.

There are a lot of people who don’t understand or just don’t want to acknowledge that a serious d/s dynamic is a commitment that includes investing time, energy and effort over time.

[ta****]

The irony of this brine THE 1st post I see. In my 1st and only at this point, possible. My ex-Master and I split bc I felt there were double standards.

[xx****]

9 hours ago, raleigh953174 said:

A power dynamic is all about finding the right balance for both people.

It sounds like you’re just asking a question to try to understand something that doesn’t make sense, but I’m assuming you’re actually asking for the right reasons.

There are a lot of people who don’t understand or just don’t want to acknowledge that a serious d/s dynamic is a commitment that includes investing time, energy and effort over time.

Asking to just open a discussion on how others view things others opinions thought beliefs im confident with myself and firm on my view this was just a curiosity about others

[xx****]

9 hours ago, tabs_524 said:

The irony of this brine THE 1st post I see. In my 1st and only at this point, possible. My ex-Master and I split bc I felt there were double standards.

Your the first comment i saw to mention that part thank you i believe double standards happen in alot of relationships ...i believe it should be give wat you want..keep realistic expectations..and compromise no dynamic partnership or relationship should be one sided with unrealistic expectations and double standards

[xx****]

12 hours ago, jpb said:

Dude, stop complaining you sound līke a spoilt child who has been told no. And if this is you just fimding out that the sub does have the power then its a good lessom to learn although how your brain hasnt figured that out already i dont know. You are granted power when they give consent. Now, if this
Is something you can not overcome then what you are looking for a SLAVE not a su.

Id be interested to know what made the sub say that to you, does sound like youve been jedi mind tricked into thinking your the dom

i also think people take roles too seriously, if being a dom or sub defines you and is a dynamic that has to be maintained all the time s, thats sad

🤣

[xx****]

15 hours ago, Pandorra99 said:

if you're confused by this you shouldn't call yourself a dom. Consent is give after trust...its an exchange not a standard.....a double standard would be...your sub saying they can have other partners, but you can't. Maybe you meant something else.....and maybe it's your ego that's confused because perhaps you thought as a "dom" you held all the power...but it's not the case...it's a power exchange. theres tons of ways to research the dynamic.

Im not confused im very solid where i stand and yes im very aware if what double standards are thank you for clarifying though i really appreciate you dumbing down the explanation for me sheesh dont think i woulda figured that out and your explanation was the exact double standard just didnt feel the neccessity to elaborate to find out how other people think and feel but thanx. Im sure your partners very happy

[xx****]

Yesterday at 09:28 AM, piggie86xum said:

Yea, my last partner leaned on me heavily during his mental health crisis all the time. I was always there for him. Talked him through it constantly, brought him home cooked meals when he was too depressed to cook. Massaged his feet and body when he felt dysregulated. The one time I had a health crisis and wanted comfort he told me I was weak for trying to depend on him.

Thats too bad

[xx****]

23 hours ago, Will616 said:

Are you able and willing to tell her to pack up and get out? 🤔 find a replacement it sounds like Resentment

Oh im able and willing im not here complaining in anyway im just curious to hear about other peoples beliefs and dynamics and experiences this is just an open discussion i wanna hear how subs and doms and anyone else husbands wives i wanna hear other peoples opinions thats it... Sorry not to rant there just seems to be alot of confusion here and some people think im complaining im great in my dynamic my situation is what it is and we are ok with where we are in life....whats your thoughts in the topic though how do you feel power a power dynamic works