Hypocrisy and double standards

[mi****]

I dont really feel like the consent thing is a double standard or hypocrisy.
Like the dom may be in charge of the scene, but both People consent or its not ok

[Co****]

It's not hypocritical at all? The consent does flow both ways, you can revoke it at any point and cease being a dom whenever you like, just as she can cease being a sub whenever she likes. You both hold equal *actual* power, seperate from the scene or play. Why does this bother you, and why do you find it hypocritical?

[Wi****]

I understand

[Ba****]

13 hours ago, Cowboyleone said:

It's not hypocritical at all? The consent does flow both ways, you can revoke it at any point and cease being a dom whenever you like, just as she can cease being a sub whenever she likes. You both hold equal *actual* power, seperate from the scene or play. Why does this bother you, and why do you find it hypocritical?

Wait really??

First of yes consent flows both way, that was part of the point and you really can’t see how it’s hypocritical too happily have someone else hold all responsibility while retroactively claiming all power using one persons ability to consent as the justification??

Second if you actually can just „cease being a dom/sub whenever you like“ please do so, my identity is not your fashion

[wi****]

First let me say that I am talking about ANY relationship. I was married for a long time to my, now ex. I was with a lot of other people of the opposite gender, for a long time. I was sleeping around with anybody. My ex-wife was focused on her career. I never thought about it. Now with my new wife, we r in the lifestyle and I have begun to think about it....and it slightly bothers me. Me with other women is fine, but her with another guy is a different thing, to me. My ex drilled it into my head that sex=love, but I have found that it doesn't need to be. I need to teach myself that sex does not =love. I now want us to have sex with others.

[parkcruiser]

Sexuality it takes 2 to Tango, whatever the dance the 2 decide on, communication is paramount to life, and being honest with your partner is the ultimate experience to share with another intimacy elevated to the highest experience 2 souls can experience together, to be Loved and accepted unconditionally not just a part All whether you or partner agree etc, you still unconditionally love and accept them for who they are not who u want them to be, I have that and it's awesome

[ba****]

February 28, wbl51265 said:

I have been told by a few Dom’s I as the sub hold the “true” power in the relationship because I can end everything at any time.

I disagree, here’s why. As a sub I have a safe word to end the interaction true, however my Dom has the same. He (in my case) can end everything at any point just as easily as I can, if not easier. The only real difference is who has to “request” the end via a safe word. Which is the sub, the Dom can just say we’re done and everything stops, whereas the sub can’t. Also it is up to the Dom as to whether the sub is released from bindings.

I know there are going to be people who say using the safe word isn’t requesting the play to end. I would challenge you to think of the number of boundaries that get ignored. The number of people who have said no and not been heard.

In my opinion it is the Dom, Master, Owner, Rigger, Tamer, Hunter who has the power. It is 💯 up to them if the encounter is going to end when we say we want it to.

Soooooo ***.

[ba****]

Subs do have the power. If you're not interested in earning that consent, damn you're just *******.

[xx****]

6 hours ago, babygirlBites said:

Subs do have the power. If you're not interested in earning that consent, damn you're just *******.

Consent was given years ago its not about consent its about double standards equality and compromise does the sub set all rules all boundaries or is a give and take thats the point of the post not consent theres no relationship without consent plain and simple its about the particulars of how the dynamic plays out

[Cu****]

I deal with double standards on a daily, different dynamic but when you find out enlightenment would be great

[Co****]

It seems to me that a breath or two may be needed, a slow down, an untangle to get the points seperated, clear and articulated.

It took a few reads to get an idea of what the problem was, you agree with the sentiment of consent needing to be given, or there is no dynamic, yet your mind swirls and calls it hypocritical? It is a conundrum to be sure, but nothing that can't be worked through with clarity and communication.

In my head, yes, the sub can rescind consent temporarily or permanently, and that thought seems at odds with the Dom being "in charge" for the classical meanings of the terms, it could easily cause some cognitive dissonance. For others, it can cause a fight or flight response, especially if something is true, yet goes against all you thought and knew...

A good D/s relationship, be it play for just a scene, or longer term, relies on trust and communication, the s needs to trust that the D won't cross a boundary and trust that the D UNDERSTANDS their boundaries, and the D has to trust that the s described the boundaries correctly for them, and that the s will be able to use safe words or call a pause if needed instead of freezing or doing something in a frenzy that they'll regret... That's before the consensual exchange of power gets to happen.

Understanding yourselves, making sure you have the same understanding of words and communications as each other is imperative. It avoids misunderstandings, and discomfort. So, break it down, make things clear, start with your thoughts, slow them, find the explanations, communicate effectively, and request the same to get to that point.. that avoids a lot of the dissonance and being at odds.

None of that is hypocritical, being hypocritical is saying "I can play with others, but you can't" or perhaps "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine" maybe even "you perform when I want no questions, and I don't want to even know if you want to play"... Those are hypocritical. And the reason I point it out is that it seems that calling it hypocritical that the sub holds the power of consent, is incorrect and if fixated on, without the work, without the option of allowing that you could be incorrect, will surely lead to division, problems, friction and problems larger than are needed.

So that's my buck fifty. No offense intended, though I can see that it may be a little blunt. So I shall accept if offense was taken.

Good luck.

[Ba****]

1 hour ago, Collar_n_chains said:

It seems to me that a breath or two may be needed, a slow down, an untangle to get the points seperated, clear and articulated.

It took a few reads to get an idea of what the problem was, you agree with the sentiment of consent needing to be given, or there is no dynamic, yet your mind swirls and calls it hypocritical? It is a conundrum to be sure, but nothing that can't be worked through with clarity and communication.

In my head, yes, the sub can rescind consent temporarily or permanently, and that thought seems at odds with the Dom being "in charge" for the classical meanings of the terms, it could easily cause some cognitive dissonance. For others, it can cause a fight or flight response, especially if something is true, yet goes against all you thought and knew...

A good D/s relationship, be it play for just a scene, or longer term, relies on trust and communication, the s needs to trust that the D won't cross a boundary and trust that the D UNDERSTANDS their boundaries, and the D has to trust that the s described the boundaries correctly for them, and that the s will be able to use safe words or call a pause if needed instead of freezing or doing something in a frenzy that they'll regret... That's before the consensual exchange of power gets to happen.

Understanding yourselves, making sure you have the same understanding of words and communications as each other is imperative. It avoids misunderstandings, and discomfort. So, break it down, make things clear, start with your thoughts, slow them, find the explanations, communicate effectively, and request the same to get to that point.. that avoids a lot of the dissonance and being at odds.

None of that is hypocritical, being hypocritical is saying "I can play with others, but you can't" or perhaps "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine" maybe even "you perform when I want no questions, and I don't want to even know if you want to play"... Those are hypocritical. And the reason I point it out is that it seems that calling it hypocritical that the sub holds the power of consent, is incorrect and if fixated on, without the work, without the option of allowing that you could be incorrect, will surely lead to division, problems, friction and problems larger than are needed.

So that's my buck fifty. No offense intended, though I can see that it may be a little blunt. So I shall accept if offense was taken.

Good luck.

Well there isn’t really anything wrong with your „buck fifty“ but you kind of missed the point

The hypocrisy of the situation was basically both people agreed to a transfer of power and then after the fact one of them turned around to one-sidedly claim that the transfer was actually in the opposite direction while citing a power both always hold as the reason

Power comes and goes with responsibility so the double standard here is; when everything went well the sub always had the power but as soon as something goes wrong it’s the responsibility of the dom

[xx****]

Yesterday at 06:10 AM, CutCupcake291 said:

I deal with double standards on a daily, different dynamic but when you find out enlightenment would be great

The enlightenment came in the relationship completely ending...consent was never an issue it was the double standards of hypocrisy in rules if the relationship the truth in understanding no matter the amount of love and care in a dynamic some people just arent compatible and instead of hanging on for *** of loneliness or whatever reason if the fit isnt right walk away

[Cu****]

29 minutes ago, xxxhokingu said:

The enlightenment came in the relationship completely ending...consent was never an issue it was the double standards of hypocrisy in rules if the relationship the truth in understanding no matter the amount of love and care in a dynamic some people just arent compatible and instead of hanging on for *** of loneliness or whatever reason if the fit isnt right walk away

Thankyou, I appreciate that, it has been swirling around in my mind for a few months now, but its not *** of loneliness or anything at a level like that, more like financial obligation (in terms that make sense to someone not fully knowing the situation)

[xx****]

Trust me i get that part as well hard to fully be happy when you struggle to make ends meet

[BlueGrace]

Not with my Doms that I live with or my LDR Doms, but with my ex “Dom”. He was more submissive and codependent than anything. He felt entitled to my time and to me which is a no go, while preaching the exact opposite. He wasn’t into being a caregiver with me but expected me to be his caregiver mentally, physically, and emotionally. He whined a lot. It was too much for me to deal with and I ended the relationship which caused a temper tantrum on his end that I ignored.
He would boast on how important it was to listen to your partner, be there for them, etc while actively doing the complete opposite. He wasn’t a good fit for me and he didn’t meet any of my wants or needs like I did for him. I’m not perfect; I do have my flaws, and I learned from that dynamic.

[Co****]

Saturday at 08:51 AM, Barthold said:

Well there isn’t really anything wrong with your „buck fifty“ but you kind of missed the point

The hypocrisy of the situation was basically both people agreed to a transfer of power and then after the fact one of them turned around to one-sidedly claim that the transfer was actually in the opposite direction while citing a power both always hold as the reason

Power comes and goes with responsibility so the double standard here is; when everything went well the sub always had the power but as soon as something goes wrong it’s the responsibility of the dom

It was easy to miss the point when the point you just made was not in the original post. There was no mention of things going wrong or where blame lay, just that a sub told this person that subs hold all the power of consent and that seemed to be something they agreed with yet were sent into a spiral by.

The implied problem was merely alluded to in the question, "but doesn't that consent flow both ways?" Which might imply that while the subs statement is true, it should also be true going the other way. And feedback was asked for. However, that was unclear, hence the breath and seeking internal clarification before communicating suggestions from myself.

I still see no re-reading of the OP's post that said there was a fight or blame to be had. It seems to be some conclusion you jumped to.

Now I got my understanding through discussion of roles and such in less contentious, almost intellectual conversations about kink, so that seems to have informed my reaction, I could posit that your reaction comes from a place where you were told something similar in the moment that caused friction between what you wanted and what they wanted. But that is just a guess

[xx****]

3 hours ago, BlueGrace said:

Not with my Doms that I live with or my LDR Doms, but with my ex “Dom”. He was more submissive and codependent than anything. He felt entitled to my time and to me which is a no go, while preaching the exact opposite. He wasn’t into being a caregiver with me but expected me to be his caregiver mentally, physically, and emotionally. He whined a lot. It was too much for me to deal with and I ended the relationship which caused a temper tantrum on his end that I ignored.
He would boast on how important it was to listen to your partner, be there for them, etc while actively doing the complete opposite. He wasn’t a good fit for me and he didn’t meet any of my wants or needs like I did for him. I’m not perfect; I do have my flaws, and I learned from that dynamic.

Sometimes learning is all we can do and also recognise our own faults to improve for the next as well

[Ba****]

6 hours ago, Collar_n_chains said:

It was easy to miss the point when the point you just made was not in the original post. There was no mention of things going wrong or where blame lay, just that a sub told this person that subs hold all the power of consent and that seemed to be something they agreed with yet were sent into a spiral by.

The implied problem was merely alluded to in the question, "but doesn't that consent flow both ways?" Which might imply that while the subs statement is true, it should also be true going the other way. And feedback was asked for. However, that was unclear, hence the breath and seeking internal clarification before communicating suggestions from myself.

I still see no re-reading of the OP's post that said there was a fight or blame to be had. It seems to be some conclusion you jumped to.

Now I got my understanding through discussion of roles and such in less contentious, almost intellectual conversations about kink, so that seems to have informed my reaction, I could posit that your reaction comes from a place where you were told something similar in the moment that caused friction between what you wanted and what they wanted. But that is just a guess

Hey i did say that there was nothing wrong with what you said, i agree that it could be easy to miss since it’s kind of more the implication between the lines and as far as i understood it there wasn’t even any fight or blame, it seems have been mostly about the bitter aftertaste left by miscommunication because of conflicting assumptions and expectations

Kind of a wild guess but i can see how you got there
It is wrong but understandable
I‘m quite transparently „in your face“ about most of these kinds of things so people with whom it would cause problematic friction don’t get close for long enough fir that to be a practical problem

I‘m willing to help and give advice wherever it’s useful but i‘m mostly doing it as thought exercise to learn myself
So if i‘m „off“ somewhere tell me about it

The last time i was part of a discussion that included the whole „the sub holds all the power“-thing i got called a fake, immature, incompetent, abusive r*pist for calling it a“illusion made true by community consensus for safety reasons“ and elaborating that it’s basically the „de jure“ power of the sub despite actually being equal to the „de jure“ power of the dom being purposefully overvalued to be equivalent to the „de facto“ power of the dom which comes in part from them actually holding the „de facto“ power of the sub during scene
Which seems to be my second most controversial opinion in the community for some reason
So honest unironic thanks for being civilized about this so far^^

Ps in case you’re curious my most controversial opinion is disagreeing with „consent can be withdrawn at any point for no reason“, so most run before asking questions
It’s the „for no reason“ part that i can’t agree with and for clarity there is no such thing as a „invalid“ reason, as the one responsible for what’s happening i just need to know if something went wrong so there has to be a reason even if it’s just „i don’t feel like it“