Cheating, open relationships and ENM.

[Br****]

Just had a digital encounter with a woman half way around the world. She has open relationship on her profile on another app. Afterwards we are chatting when she suddenly says “I have to stop now, my husband is home.”

I’m like wtf doesn’t he know?

She replies “open relationship for online but not for family.”

I explain that’s not an open relationship as I understand it.

My questions for you all:

What does an open relationship mean to you?
If you identify as ENM, what does that mean to you?

[Deleted Member]

ENM to me means that everyone knows about everyone else, no secret relationships, hiding feelings etc. Everything is above board.

[jo****]

My SO and I are open, but both of us understand that jealousy (especially of time or attention) can be an issue and are careful not to allow our new friends to interfere with our primary relationship. When my SO is in my presence, she is my focus. All other conversations stop.

[Ma****]

My wife and I are open, To us its constant communication and making sure we are aware of each other feelings, we talk to other's while also spending time together and making sure we aren't neglecting our primary relationship, We also dont get jealous when the other person goes on dates. Some people think we are odd but we just don't get the whole jealousy thing, in the end we know we will always return to each other

[Be****]

I am fine with ENM, but i will not knowingly take part in cheating. Simple as that.

[ey****]

Some things might be contextual, cos, like - I will sit and message with people while my wife is in the room and with their knowledge.

But

If my wife was out and I was chatting away with someone then I may well need to stop chatting if, say, I'm now spending time with a another/primary partner.  That there'd be boundaries in ENM and  a boundary can be, ok, I need to spend my time on someone else.

There are of course lines to what I could/would arrange without their knowledge. Like, I could turn around and saying "I'm meeting such and such on whatever date" as information. I couldn't just be late home one day or lie about my whereabouts 

[Ma****]

3 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

Some things might be contextual, cos, like - I will sit and message with people while my wife is in the room and with their knowledge.

But

If my wife was out and I was chatting away with someone then I may well need to stop chatting if, say, I'm now spending time with a another/primary partner.  That there'd be boundaries in ENM and  a boundary can be, ok, I need to spend my time on someone else.

There are of course lines to what I could/would arrange without their knowledge. Like, I could turn around and saying "I'm meeting such and such on whatever date" as information. I couldn't just be late home one day or lie about my whereabouts 

Me and my wife like to keep each other informed if we have plans like I'm meeting such and such at this time is that ok? Do we have any plans at this time

[Deleted Member]

I was In an open relationship so many times, that for one isn’t ok because being in an open relationship means you and your partner know and want someone to join, but saying that isn’t an open relationship that’s just plain ass cheating.

[Mr****]

The E stands for "ethical." Secrets that could hurt your partner because they directly impact their beliefs about the relationship (beliefs you *actively participate in maintaining*) are unethical. There is no further discussion. Drop her for your own good.

[Do****]

My fiancé and I have been open and ENM for quite some time an definitely took us a long while to get over prior insecurities and boundaries before we got comfortable enough to have our own experiences, but always let each other know where we’re going and at least tell the other who they’re planning on seeing. If you can’t truly be open with your partner, it’s cheating, no? Both parties have to consent and be made aware while keeping boundaries in mind while having honest conversations about how things are going. You can’t be a singular ENM partner when your partner thinks it’s monogamous, unless you’re single and looking for couples to join.

[my****]

I wonder if she meant she can have a play friend but when the husband comes home it’s family time.

Which I could understand.

[th****]

Open doesn't mean free use does it? She has time, she can chat. It's time to be a family, it's time to be a family. Seems like a dynamic that could be agreeable to some.

[le****]

Sounds like when hubby comes home, her play time is over. Probably one of the boundaries they drew.

[Mr****]

2 hours ago, mythicalman said:

I wonder if she meant she can have a play friend but when the husband comes home it’s family time.

Which I could understand.

That has a couple layers that say "She's BSing" as I read it. Such dynamics are legit (I'm currently involved in one such); but this fails the smell check for me.

First, most people *lead* with the conditions of their dynamic. OP sounds like he was caught off guard, suggesting she didn't want to get caught more than she was enforcing a boundary.

Second, "open relationship" usually means that all parties are award of what you're up to. Chained off the first point, it's fine to run hierarchical; it's not fine to shadow-cuck your spouse when the dynamic isn't giving "He's cool with it and supports."

[En****]

I practice realtaionship anarchy and single-poly.
For me, ENM means you’re free to follow your heart, and I mine. But secrets and sneaking around about anything is a big red flag.

[Pa****]

I’m poly relationship.
We do casual things outside the relationship when we want to experiment things the other person isn’t into. Ever time we openly talk about it. We openly read each others text, talk about our hook up nights, etc.
We do have family times once a week and I will shoot text be like “ hey it’s family night we can talk tomorrow.” It’s mostly for politeness to make them no worried I’m leaving them on read or ghosting.
We also have rule that most find odd that is the EVEN rule. If I hookup I wait till after he hookups before doing another. It works for us.

[JM****]

I don’t mind open relationships if you’re significant other knows no problem but if you guys are adding me into the group MFM he watches I’m fine but be honest

[Be****]

5 hours ago, mythicalman said:

I wonder if she meant she can have a play friend but when the husband comes home it’s family time.

Which I could understand.

I never of that way, good call.

[ni****]

I dont need to hear whar my wife is doing with other people. Makes me feel like a cuck. In general I do not care and I dont share with her. We do it separate and private. Also just because thats not an open relationship for YOU doesnt mean its not one.

[Br****]

22 hours ago, MrDDS said:

The E stands for "ethical." Secrets that could hurt your partner because they directly impact their beliefs about the relationship (beliefs you *actively participate in maintaining*) are unethical. There is no further discussion. Drop her for your own good.

Sorry I hadn’t made clear in my opening post: I disconnected immediately after explaining why to her.

Thanks to everyone who has commented so far.

In terms of partners letting know what is going on, we have a Facebook group where we all coordinate with one another. It helps that my 1st (chronological not hisrachy: it’s kitchen table poly) girlfriend is going out with both my second and third girlfriends. The comets and club play partners are in a wider group for planning play events.

[Br****]

21 hours ago, mythicalman said:

I wonder if she meant she can have a play friend but when the husband comes home it’s family time.

Which I could understand.

Clarification: I asked if he knew. She said he didn’t. Dishonesty. Red flag. Clear cut.

I explained and disconnected.

[Br****]

19 hours ago, lexington660198 said:

Sounds like when hubby comes home, her play time is over. Probably one of the boundaries they drew.

See above. He didn’t know.

Sorry if my neurospicyness didn’t explain it clearly in the op.

[gy****]

That sounds like cheating to me. Im relatively new to this lifestyle but I think its across the board on moral /relationship rules. If one person doesn't know about it, its a lie thus cheating, ive been asked to be in a ENM relationship but the other half always knows of my existence, poly request as well but in a poly dynamic the partner is heavily involved in the relationship process. Its a red flag to me when there's secret involved

[Hezzair]

Open/ENM the E stands for ETHICAL as in we all know what is going on and no one is lying to anyone! My husband always knows when I am going out and where I am going. If I am going to a sex club, or on a date, he knows what is up. Even my kids know, just not the rest of my family (they know our marriage is open.)

[Sweet***45]

This is where respect and boundaries comes in. Her husband just got home and that is their time to talk and enjoy each other... that's family time. I feel like anything that's not family is extra.