Ive opened Pandora's box

[Pr****]

I think Ive opened Pandora's box and I have no idea how to manage the situation that Im in.

Ive been with my husband since 2003. Prior to that, my last long term relationship was what introduced me to kink but it turned abusive so for long time I wouldn't allow anyone to raise a hand to me or show overt controlling tendencies. I was very much Alpha female.

We used to have a great sex life but then kids, jobs and health got in the way, like they often do. I cant remember when my needs started to raise their head, years ago really but I suppressed them for f@ar of upsetting the applecart. When I did start opening up, I went with the part that I knew he would be most understanding of - my attraction to women. I never did anything much about it, a few kinky conversations but nothing more until about 18 months ago when I joined FET.

Fast forward to March this year and I started to talking to a guy from here, he approached me and I was open and honest with both him and my husband. Things moved pretty fast and a couple of months later, the three of us met up for some kinky play. On the lead up to this, I gave my husband multiple opportunities to pull the plug but he didnt.

I had a great time! Loved every minute but when we began to plan a second play date where the other wife would be involved ( only playing with me) my hubbie balked and put a stop to it. Totally understand and to be honest, expected.

Problem is - my sex drive disappeared completely for a good 6 -8 weeks! We are now starting to get back on track but its very vanilla and isnt meeting my needs. I love my hubbie but I suspect that he only did most of the kink to please me and his version of D/s, DD/lg doesn't really work for me.
----

Any suggestions for ways to manage the situation?

[Mr****]

You might want to check out the multiamory podcast on multiamory.com they have a ton of really good information on how to talk with your partner about potentially opening up your relationship in an ethical and consent focused way.

[TimberTara]

This is not a situation. I think you can manage you have desires, and he has other desires either except that your desires are different from his

I mean, if you want to continue to see other people, then you have to explain it with him and see if he’s willing to go along otherwise you risk your marriage

[Bo****]

My personal opinion is unmet needs is the base cause of any breakup if one digs down far enough. More to it but I hate typing lol. "More Than Two" is a very good relationship book imo. Yes it's poly oriented but good stuff for any adult relationship.

[Everhard332]

Have you talked it through and do you understand what he needs? Is he vanilla and that's it? Throw something in it for him, let him play with the other wife. A relationship is sometimes a give and take game. Give him what he needs and make him understand what you need (although he likely knows already)

[Pr****]

36 minutes ago, Everhard332 said:

Have you talked it through and do you understand what he needs? Is he vanilla and that's it? Throw something in it for him, let him play with the other wife. A relationship is sometimes a give and take game. Give him what he needs and make him understand what you need (although he likely knows already)

He wasnt interested in the other wife...

[MD60]

You are a brave lady opening up like this, not easy when yo get to a certain age.

[Cr****]

You're happily married, so it's not just about you it's about your partner. You should communicate this with him in a non confrontational way and consider talking to a sex counselor or reading content online together about the topic, sharing videos etc.

In long term relationships and anything in life we benefit from daily to the point of being *** of it (hot water, air conditioning, the internet, etc.) people have a tendency to lose appreciation and gratitude for the blessings they have as the mind wanders to "ok what is my next thing I can get to improve my life or excite me"

My advice would be to sit down together and make a list of all the things you both fantasize about that you rarely talk about out loud and with no judgement, find the things you both can agree to try together.

Identify what turned him off from what was happening and find out what would make it exciting for him again. Explore new dynamics together you haven't tried before.

Never assume you know everything there is to know about the person you are with or that they can't surprise you anymore.

People are dynamic, they frequently change and they can always surprise us. So cultivate that surprise by making a safe conversation for communicating these desires and identifying what is a need vs. what is just a "nice to have" and maybe flip the script on who has which role.

Either way it definitely has to be communicated, and hiding our dissatisfaction from our partner is a dangerous thing to do as it can create subconscious resentment, and it doesn't give them an opportunity to take part in remedying it.

Attraction starts in the mind so figure out what in your mind is causing the block that makes you say things like "vanilla" about your husband's affection, identify not only what he can do differently but how you can THINK differently to focus on your love and gratitude more than your dissatisfaction or boredom. Maybe even cultivating some space and mystery again so you stop seeing each other as predictable because the fastest way to be excited and thankful for a hot shower again is to turn off your water heater and remind yourself what it's like to not have it.

[mo****]

Message meeeee

[ar****]

Do you know _why_ he put a stop to it?

If I'm reading you correctly, you're attracted to women (too) but never acted on it. You suppressed your own desires, your SELF. And after all these years, you're finally curious to explore this side of you. And he says NO.

Could it be he's afraid to upset his status-quo, and f@@ars nbsp;you leaving him for a woman? Does he expect his ego to take a hit, to know that someone else than him can satisfy you? Would he be fine with you meeting with this other man again, yet not a woman? I doubt that.

I'm thinking there's an insecurity in him that he's not willing to look at. BUT, you should stand up for yourself too, especially if you suppressed it for so long in favor of your "happy" marriage.

I believe a marriage is only truly happy when each partner is the other's biggest fan. Showing support and encouragement for personal development, and giving space to the partner instead of keeping them "in check".

If he's not budging, then you have to decide how much you love yourself. And reflect on how much HE loves YOU. Because it's a simple case of figuring out which aspects of your life have the biggest priority, and weighing the pros and cons.

Happy wife, happy life. But you don't seem to be that happy anymore. And you even alerted him about it, AND gave him a possible solution to address this before you can't contain it anymore.

Then perhaps the biggest "weapon" you have left, is warning him that you *** your relationship is getting suffocating, toxic, and that he has to rethink his perspective: will be choose to keep his wife, by allowing her to explore her personal consentful freedom? Or will he rather try to tighten his grip to control a situation that he theoretically has no real say in. Especially not since he's breaking his vows to you.

You exploring yourself is the protection the marriage needs to work going forward. And he needs to realize that.

[Pr****]

27 minutes ago, CreepGuru said:

You're happily married, so it's not just about you it's about your partner. You should communicate this with him in a non confrontational way and consider talking to a sex counselor or reading content online together about the topic, sharing videos etc.

In long term relationships and anything in life we benefit from daily to the point of being *** of it (hot water, air conditioning, the internet, etc.) people have a tendency to lose appreciation and gratitude for the blessings they have as the mind wanders to "ok what is my next thing I can get to improve my life or excite me"

My advice would be to sit down together and make a list of all the things you both fantasize about that you rarely talk about out loud and with no judgement, find the things you both can agree to try together.

Identify what turned him off from what was happening and find out what would make it exciting for him again. Explore new dynamics together you haven't tried before.

Never assume you know everything there is to know about the person you are with or that they can't surprise you anymore.

People are dynamic, they frequently change and they can always surprise us. So cultivate that surprise by making a safe conversation for communicating these desires and identifying what is a need vs. what is just a "nice to have" and maybe flip the script on who has which role.

Either way it definitely has to be communicated, and hiding our dissatisfaction from our partner is a dangerous thing to do as it can create subconscious resentment, and it doesn't give them an opportunity to take part in remedying it.

Attraction starts in the mind so figure out what in your mind is causing the block that makes you say things like "vanilla" about your husband's affection, identify not only what he can do differently but how you can THINK differently to focus on your love and gratitude more than your dissatisfaction or boredom. Maybe even cultivating some space and mystery again so you stop seeing each other as predictable because the fastest way to be excited and thankful for a hot shower again is to turn off your water heater and remind yourself what it's like to not have it.

Some great advice in here, thanks! In terms of what he didnt like - pretty much being with another guys. He really didnt like him kissing me. There is an element of him not being happy with me getting something when he isnt, even though it was a threesome. He has said he *may* be interest in some same room couple stuff in the future but not yet. The cultivating mystery thing sounds great in theory, except he doesnt like me doing stuff on my own or being away from me so its hard to do that...

[Pr****]

10 minutes ago, arnhem961 said:

Do you know _why_ he put a stop to it?

If I'm reading you correctly, you're attracted to women (too) but never acted on it. You suppressed your own desires, your SELF. And after all these years, you're finally curious to explore this side of you. And he says NO.

Could it be he's afraid to upset his status-quo, and f@@ars nbsp;you leaving him for a woman? Does he expect his ego to take a hit, to know that someone else than him can satisfy you? Would he be fine with you meeting with this other man again, yet not a woman? I doubt that.

I'm thinking there's an insecurity in him that he's not willing to look at. BUT, you should stand up for yourself too, especially if you suppressed it for so long in favor of your "happy" marriage.

I believe a marriage is only truly happy when each partner is the other's biggest fan. Showing support and encouragement for personal development, and giving space to the partner instead of keeping them "in check".

If he's not budging, then you have to decide how much you love yourself. And reflect on how much HE loves YOU. Because it's a simple case of figuring out which aspects of your life have the biggest priority, and weighing the pros and cons.

Happy wife, happy life. But you don't seem to be that happy anymore. And you even alerted him about it, AND gave him a possible solution to address this before you can't contain it anymore.

Then perhaps the biggest "weapon" you have left, is warning him that you *** your relationship is getting suffocating, toxic, and that he has to rethink his perspective: will be choose to keep his wife, by allowing her to explore her personal consentful freedom? Or will he rather try to tighten his grip to control a situation that he theoretically has no real say in. Especially not since he's breaking his vows to you.

You exploring yourself is the protection the marriage needs to work going forward. And he needs to realize that.

So he has previously sid he would is scared of me leaving him for a woman and also that he doesnt understand what another guy could do for me that he cant. Im naturally submissive when it comes to sex, always have been. He is, I suspect, a sub leaning switch....

[Pr****]

1 hour ago, MD60 said:

You are a brave lady opening up like this, not easy when yo get to a certain age.

Thanks ☺️ I think im just sick of not being able to be me, in lots of ways, not just my relationship - midlife crisis 😂

[Semuros]

And therein lies the fallacy. Just because he was there and you did it together means in no way necessarily, that it had the same meaning to him and was a true shared experience.

In all honesty, I suspect and wouldn't be surprised to learn that he engaged in it purely out of love and for you to be able to satisfy your needs while not being very high on his list.

You have to not only talk about the "what" of things, but about how you feel about them. One person's must-have is another one's I'll-get-over-it. But the problem is, that eventually, even the toughest traveller will inevitably get tired of making it over just the next hill.

Edited Saturday at 10:49 PM by Semuros

[ar****]

1 hour ago, PrincessDawnStar said:

So he has previously sid he would is scared of me leaving him for a woman and also that he doesnt understand what another guy could do for me that he cant. Im naturally submissive when it comes to sex, always have been. He is, I suspect, a sub leaning switch....

Yeah, realize what you are saying here.

Because he is scared (insecure, ego issues, or not trusting you), he's causing you to not be who you are.

So basically he's not trusting you, and trying to control you out of f3ar.
That isn't love in my book. There must be trust, and giving/allowing room to breathe.
He might be afraid of a future event that is not real now and may never happen. Meanwhile, you not being you IS real right now, and isn't being addressed.

Makes sense to tackle the things that play in the here and now, rather than chase what-if ghosts.

[Darling-Brat]

5 hours ago, PrincessDawnStar said:

So he has previously sid he would is scared of me leaving him for a woman and also that he doesnt understand what another guy could do for me that he cant. Im naturally submissive when it comes to sex, always have been. He is, I suspect, a sub leaning switch....

From your post, I'm reading that you don't want this to break your relationship. I fully understand that. I'm also happily with someone who's not into kink. If I received advice that was either, "You have to consider him," or, "You have to consider yourself," I'd find it very incomplete.

If you're like me, I completely understand the feeling of just not knowing how to move forward because you love the other person and care about how you feel, but you're also admitting to yourself who you are and realising you're worth it.

That being said, what you describe here is definitely a little worrying. Not in an open, honest conversation where you're curiously exploring how he feels -- it's completely natural -- but I hope you both know and understand that these insecurities should not be holding you back. Because you are who you are, and him not understanding what you can get out of it is not in any way a way to invalidate who you are or what you need.

I think the first step is to sit down and really untangle all the emotions tied up in this. In a non-judgemental and caring way to work towards a goal together where you're both feeling happy, fulfilled, and safe.

Him not liking you getting something when he isn't, while also a normal feeling, is pretty toxic if used as an excuse to deny you what you need. So it should be acknowledged as a feeling, not used as a reason to bind you. There has to be equal love and understanding on both sides, of course.

And your needs are reality. Your needs are not negotiable or something to ignore. They're wonderful. You just have to figure out a way for you both to feel safe while you explore them so you can continue being in a happy relationship.

[jinxed]

10 hours ago, PrincessDawnStar said:

 

Thanks ☺️ I think im just sick of not being able to be me, in lots of ways, not just my relationship - midlife crisis 😂

I've been where you're at a few years ago, I just was a bit more radical with it..  After having tried my very best to reignite the fire between my ex-husband and I, I told him one day that I would have the sex that I had forever longed to have with or without him as this was my life and my body. So I opened up the relationship and ventured out into the world of sexual deviance on my own. Needless to say that we separated (amicably) some months later, but we both realised in the process how far we'd come but also how far we'd grown apart from our former common goals in life and that now we were on two very different individual paths. That was at the root of it all and had lead to the unfulfilled sexual urges and petty arguments. 
So this is one way it can go and while it wasn't the easy route, today we can both see that all these things were just symptoms of an underlying and foundational incompatibility. 
Best of luck to you and your partner. 

[ba****]

So you get to bang some guy but he’s not allowed to play with the wife? That’s fair

[Pr****]

10 minutes ago, barbiefett said:

So you get to bang some guy but he’s not allowed to play with the wife? That’s fair

Id be interested to learn why you came to that conclusion, when I clearly daid he wasnt interested in her.

[Ha****]

so Iv been in some pretty active scenes LA , Las Vegas. iv seen this situation before you have to remember it's about him not you at this point feelings of inadequacy to the task or that he would lose you to a woman I'll explain both one is when some men are in a sexual situation they don't fill compleat in less they can bring the women to completion it makes them fill manly the filling he would be the 3ed weel and that the woman would be able to do what he couldn't is in the back of his mind he might even be lieing to him self about that . The other part is he may not have his emotions engaged in your DD/lG becouse his natural male aggressive nature is not in full swing men and women are different in the chemical nature of their body women produce more of their sexually aggressive chemicals as they get older and men lose them has he been checked for low testosterone if it's on the decline he'll become more dociley content with well everything but if he found he was on the downcline and had testosterone injections for supplements you would notice the difference trust me on that one his aggressive male nature would start to return and he would think of the situation as a challenge one to take up instead of one that he could hopefully put off and have magicly disappear most men don't think of it because their emotions just aren't telling them they need to they become comfortable and complacent and just try to keep it that way it's a little bit of an awkward conversation to have but it's only a 30 minute doctor's appointment to find out if that could be part of the issue the rest would be to build up his self-confidence the whole thing would be awkward for him at first but he would think you afterwards trust me on that one I have some experience in that.

[Ne****]

This is tough to navigate. A similar situation happened in reverse with my wife and her best friend zoe having a relationship. At first I wasnt at all about ENM or being open and it took me a long time to navigate it before I was ready to try things on my own and be accepting of their relationship.

The best advice I can say is to love him. Communicate. Truly and openly. Givr space for his feelings. Acknowledge them and work with him to reassure his insecurities but seek to facilitate the existence of your needs.

Come up with boundaries and rules thst work for you both. Above all... have grace for yourself and for him. This is some of the hardest shit any marriage has to endure. Much love friend! <3

[Pr****]

7 hours ago, NewUnderground said:

This is tough to navigate. A similar situation happened in reverse with my wife and her best friend zoe having a relationship. At first I wasnt at all about ENM or being open and it took me a long time to navigate it before I was ready to try things on my own and be accepting of their relationship.

The best advice I can say is to love him. Communicate. Truly and openly. Givr space for his feelings. Acknowledge them and work with him to reassure his insecurities but seek to facilitate the existence of your needs.

Come up with boundaries and rules thst work for you both. Above all... have grace for yourself and for him. This is some of the hardest shit any marriage has to endure. Much love friend! <3

Thank you. Its helpful to hear from people who have been in this situation and to get the guys point of view.

[ar****]

10 hours ago, NewUnderground said:

This is tough to navigate. A similar situation happened in reverse with my wife and her best friend zoe having a relationship. At first I wasnt at all about ENM or being open and it took me a long time to navigate it before I was ready to try things on my own and be accepting of their relationship.

The best advice I can say is to love him. Communicate. Truly and openly. Givr space for his feelings. Acknowledge them and work with him to reassure his insecurities but seek to facilitate the existence of your needs.

Come up with boundaries and rules thst work for you both. Above all... have grace for yourself and for him. This is some of the hardest shit any marriage has to endure. Much love friend! <3

Can you recall/share how you managed to make the switch to ENM?

Friend of mine has an on/off relationship with a man and she's bouncing between monogamy (when they're together) and ENM (when they're not). She initially told me she saw him open up more and tackle patterns of insecurity, but later found that he's unwilling to do so and keeps falling back to his old patterns.

I just wonder how he can (you got) persuaded to actually face the insecurities and overcome them? But likely, you were more focused on taking them on and less avoidant?

[Ne****]

2 hours ago, arnhem961 said:

Can you recall/share how you managed to make the switch to ENM?

Friend of mine has an on/off relationship with a man and she's bouncing between monogamy (when they're together) and ENM (when they're not). She initially told me she saw him open up more and tackle patterns of insecurity, but later found that he's unwilling to do so and keeps falling back to his old patterns.

I just wonder how he can (you got) persuaded to actually face the insecurities and overcome them? But likely, you were more focused on taking them on and less avoidant?

It took a lot of shadow work and soul searching and ultimately a paradigm shift.

I had to confront my ego and discern whether my misgivings were about a slight I truly thought she waa doing or if I was afraid of ehat my relevance in the relationship was.

I recognized that I don't own her and that if our connection is predicated on her forgoing her base nature to appease me but not be happy, then that is no rich, authentic relationship built on love. And truth/trust could never thrive.

We have our own things that we connect on. And we have our things we do not that others fulfill. And they are adjacent to and in addition to our marriage, rather than supplements for it.

The Death of the ego is a ***ful and always uncomfortable thing to attempt. But the enrichment of self one gets from it is unlike anything else.

[ar****]

17 hours ago, NewUnderground said:

It took a lot of shadow work and soul searching and ultimately a paradigm shift.

I had to confront my ego and discern whether my misgivings were about a slight I truly thought she waa doing or if I was afraid of ehat my relevance in the relationship was.

I recognized that I don't own her and that if our connection is predicated on her forgoing her base nature to appease me but not be happy, then that is no rich, authentic relationship built on love. And truth/trust could never thrive.

We have our own things that we connect on. And we have our things we do not that others fulfill. And they are adjacent to and in addition to our marriage, rather than supplements for it.

The Death of the ego is a ***ful and always uncomfortable thing to attempt. But the enrichment of self one gets from it is unlike anything else.

YES! That!

How did you cultivate that belief, and actually doing the shadow work though? You were likely very much holding on to your f3ar, and not aware of/able to confront your ego.

Wasn't there a trigger/event that actually made you start the shadow work, and going through with it? Something you recall, or some talk/ultimatum from your wife?