The importance of taking care after

[jinxed]

For many months, basically since I have joined this forum, I have read about aftercare. About peoples' preferences, about the absolute necessity of it, about the damages that will be caused without it. And all that time, there was only one thought in my head when I read it: "Good lord, they are all so kitschy!" It always seemed like scenes from a romcom to me and if there's one thing that makes my toes curl, then it's a romantic storyline.

Today, finally the penny dropped. After a rather deep online interaction with the currently chosen one, I was on a high yesterday all day long. At night came the drop, and what a drop it was. I kept listening to the same five Alice in Chains songs and considered the benefits of being a hardcore heroin addict. Yeah, I had a great time. And today of course I am down down down. Just like it always was with this same person, even 4 years ago.

But I also remembered that with a different partner, it never felt like this. Not this bad. Because he did something different. He always took me in his arms after a scene and held me tightly against his skin. Almost each time I absolutely hated it when he did this, at first. But a few minutes in, I would be so so happy and would go into kitten mode. What he did is called aftercare. I do miss and love this man so so much till this day. Whereas I only fancy Mr. right now. So. I'm learning.

Just wanted to share this and perhaps there are some other "aftercare sucks" subs or Doms. And all I can say is: don't be stupid, just enjoy it! 

[Deleted Member]

Aftercare for the win! 💪🏼🤗

[Da****]

Aftercare is incredibly important to me as a Daddy Dom. Making sure my partner is okay—physically, emotionally, and mentally—afterward is just as important as everything that happens beforehand. I want my partner to know that I’m there for them, not only in the moments when they need me, but afterward too.

For me, being a Daddy Dom is about trust, communication, and genuine care. Giving my partner what they need in the moment is only part of the experience. Making sure they feel safe, valued, reassured, and cared for once the intensity fades is what makes the connection meaningful. Their well-being will always matter to me.

[Deleted Member]

Any Dom who is of the opinion that Aftercare "sucks", is a sign of weakness, or unnecessary is not a Dom. They are an ***r or, beat case, horribly inexperienced.

This is true with any scene, and critically true if the Sub is coming down from a nice little trip through "subspace". When the endorphins start releasing into the *** stream, they are literally altering your reality. It is why those clamps that were not endurable 45 minutes ago are causing your knees to buckle when they are applied later. To put it simply, the individual in "Subspace" is high as f$ck on chemicals from their own body.

Think about getting an adrenaline rush and the aftermath when the adrenaline leaves the system... Shakes, sometimes bursting into tears, disorientation...

With a full on edorphin rush? Multiply that by about 10.

Aftercare is the NECESSARY process of being there to help your submissive "land softly". Cuddles are good. So is a glass of ice water with a slice of lemon, or even iced tea. Sliced fruit waiting in the fridge or a nice, well balanced salad.

This process rehydrates the body and adds natural sugar to your now depleted levels.

It is also calming for the submissive, physically and emotionally.

If you call yourself a Dom, please, for the love of God, please stop everything you are doing to women/men and read a few books or articles.. talk to real Doms... Do something to help you understand that what you are NOT doing is damaging.

I have yammered long enough.

Salut

[Fe****]

I’m very new to the idea of this but how does this not cause attachment? Oxytocin is a naturally occurring hormone that its job is to connect you to the person you were just vulner@ble with. I love the feeling but how does one just stop the attachment and say ok I’m done here and it not creep into your mind and create that deep seated connection to that person even outside of the dom/sub relationship and bedroom.

[pl****]

It’s so so necessary! And beyond that, it is simply the kind and right thing to do. I’ve had partners that, even while simply cuddling after casual sex, told me they hadn’t felt that kind of affection from a casual partner before and I never understood how someone can just switch off at the end of a scene.
You’re being incredibly ***, intimate, and some scenes get very intense. Take care of your partners everyone ❤️

[BoundBunnie]

You must establish and maintain boundaries if necessary.
And uphold yourself to them

[al****]

I always felt cuddling after sex was a necessity. When I heard about aftercare I didn't understand what it was and that it sounded silly. The more I looked into it I realized it was something I always do/did anyhow.

[Fs****]

1 hour ago, FemmeFatale87 said:

I’m very new to the idea of this but how does this not cause attachment? Oxytocin is a naturally occurring hormone that its job is to connect you to the person you were just vulner@ble with. I love the feeling but how does one just stop the attachment and say ok I’m done here and it not creep into your mind and create that deep seated connection to that person even outside of the dom/sub relationship and bedroom.

I think it all depends on the individuals involved. People have different attachment styles. Even further people have different responsibilities and priorities. I find it best to not engage in scenes with subs that I don't really want to connect with. If you are a sub with anxious attachment and time and space for connection, perhaps you should choose wisely. Also, not assuming the dynamics or roles you play.

[ma****]

I can respect that

[Fe****]

2 hours ago, Fsinclaire said:

I think it all depends on the individuals involved. People have different attachment styles. Even further people have different responsibilities and priorities. I find it best to not engage in scenes with subs that I don't really want to connect with. If you are a sub with anxious attachment and time and space for connection, perhaps you should choose wisely. Also, not assuming the dynamics or roles you play.

Damn are you in my head? How do you know that I lean that way.

[Sh****]

In the past, I didn’t realize that aftercare was more than just connecting with the person you’re playing with, but also a necessary process to help the sub (and dom too possibly!) come down from the chemical high that a scene induces. This didn’t fully click until I experienced sub drop for the first time after a particularly intense and long session. It felt like I was light years away and alone, like an astronaut lost in space, even though I was lying down right next to my dom in bed. This feeling of profound sadness was my subjective experience of an objective chemical process in the brain, i.e. a rapid decrease of endorphins, etc. My dom did a great job of helping me to ground myself in reality and did everything to remind me that I wasn’t actually alone, even though it may have felt that way. It took a few hours, but the feelings passed and then I just felt exhausted. It was a very positive experience, to be able to be so safely *** with another person, in very different ways, both during and after the scene.

[Fs****]

52 minutes ago, FemmeFatale87 said:

Damn are you in my head? How do you know that I lean that way.

Idk. Guess I'm living rent free.

[Fe****]

13 minutes ago, Fsinclaire said:

Idk. Guess I'm living rent free.

lol possibly!

[TH****]

The name eludes me but from. Your picture im sad to say i dont recall

[jinxed]

8 hours ago, FemmeFatale87 said:

I’m very new to the idea of this but how does this not cause attachment? Oxytocin is a naturally occurring hormone that its job is to connect you to the person you were just vulner@ble with. I love the feeling but how does one just stop the attachment and say ok I’m done here and it not creep into your mind and create that deep seated connection to that person even outside of the dom/sub relationship and bedroom.

Get it 100%! But perhaps looking at it the way that @ShySub271828 explained it could be the bridge? I absolutely hate the idea of needing someone to be healthy or grounded (which in itself is one way to deprive myself of beautiful moments, but hey, what's not to love about trauma responses..), but if I look at it as a means to get a biological process going, then that's a different and less *** approach. 
The proof is in the pudding: Only through making myself meet up with a friend to go on a bike ride yesterday including a stop for an affogato, did I get out of my drop. Connection and sugar seem to be medicine for the brain in this situation. 

[jinxed]

@ExperienceMatters How very perfectly summarised and explained! Thank you, I think I for one should reread this once a month to remind myself of two things: Just as important as it is for the sub to be able to receive aftercare is the willingness of a person who wants to dominate someone to know their trade and learn how to give it. Because I can guarantee I'm not able to think even about something as basic as drinking some water when I'm coming out of a scene. I'm too busy replaying moments, pandiculating on the bed or floor or sofa or wherever I happen to lie in that moment, and feeling like I'm about to explode from happiness and satisfaction.. In short: I'm not the one who can make the sensible decisions needed in that moment. 
So yes, dear Doms, please keep taking over for a little bit longer. 

[Je****]

I find aftercare an absolute must. Not only for my Sub but for myself as well. I have learned to read her very well and know her needs. Sometimes she just needs a good cuddle no words just comfort. Most always it's positive affirmations, and most always a debriefing. I use positive affirmations like how good of a girl she was, how pretty and desirable she looked, how I loved her taste, how I love her mind and body, highlight things things we did how good they made me feel and what a good job she did, I praise her when she pushes her limits and tell her how proud I am of her. For me I get great satisfaction in seeing her smile and being proud of herself. As far as debriefing I like to discuss how things went. Likes dislikes how certain things felt was there too much of one thing and not another. Is there something we want to add or take away I find it important to communicate so she has an opportunity to express herself and I have the opportunity to learn how to be better for her.

[Ba****]

Lol until the second paragraph i was about to throw some examples for practical aftercare that are less soapy than the idealized ones people tend to bring to theoretical discussions
But you already got it^^

Yeah there are some situational advisable things, like having disinfectant around when playing with sharp edges, but the only things near universally mandatory are time and presence

[jinxed]

15 minutes ago, Barthold said:

the only things near universally mandatory are time and presence

Beautifully put!

[jinxed]

3 hours ago, Barthold said:

Lol until the second paragraph i was about to throw some examples for practical aftercare that are less soapy than the idealized ones people tend to bring to theoretical discussions
But you already got it^^

Yeah there are some situational advisable things, like having disinfectant around when playing with sharp edges, but the only things near universally mandatory are time and presence

By the way, I think you still could give some examples! I mentioned exactly one (!), so potentially, you have some more that might be slightly more down to earth. 

[Th****]

This is so important for all people involved. Following scenes making sure my partners always get the time they need and it is different for everyone including me. This can be as little as a blanket and a cuddle or as in depth as a meal, shower together me to allow the mind and headspace to level.
Aftercare is important and real. If you don’t get it from your partner, require it from now on. You do not need to feel the downs that can come with play.

[Fe****]

15 hours ago, ShySub271828 said:

In the past, I didn’t realize that aftercare was more than just connecting with the person you’re playing with, but also a necessary process to help the sub (and dom too possibly!) come down from the chemical high that a scene induces. This didn’t fully click until I experienced sub drop for the first time after a particularly intense and long session. It felt like I was light years away and alone, like an astronaut lost in space, even though I was lying down right next to my dom in bed. This feeling of profound sadness was my subjective experience of an objective chemical process in the brain, i.e. a rapid decrease of endorphins, etc. My dom did a great job of helping me to ground myself in reality and did everything to remind me that I wasn’t actually alone, even though it may have felt that way. It took a few hours, but the feelings passed and then I just felt exhausted. It was a very positive experience, to be able to be so safely *** with another person, in very different ways, both during and after the scene.

What is subdrop? Is it like a trance or hypnosis? Is this in some part a roleplay thing as well?

[To****]

I think this is exactly what people sometimes miss about aftercare. It’s not some romantic ritual or a standard you have to follow. It’s about knowing what happens to someone after the intensity is gone

What works for one person can be completely wrong for another. Some need touch, some need space, some need words. And sometimes the person who says they don’t need anything discovers later that they actually did

For me, aftercare is something between the two people. You don’t do it because everyone else does it. You find what actually works for you, what has meaning between you, and make it your own

That’s when it becomes valuable. Not because it’s called aftercare, but because it means something to the two of you

And sometimes you only understand its value after you’ve experienced the difference…

[Ge****]

Aftercare is as hottt as the active shennanigans