The Importance of Comfort & Security

[Ja****]

Hello y'all.

I'm new to the site, but not the scene. I'm very much a thinker and love sharing my thoughts on these sorts of topics, so I might make this a recurring theme of sharing some of the finer points that really allow us to fully explore and enjoy the quirks that make us who we are.

The Importance of Comfort & Security

The kink/fetish scene is very diverse and rightfully so; a melting pot of all types of people with different interests, intensity, limits, and experience. It is also important to note that as of recently, the scene has become more popular and acceptable socially, which has led to an explosive growth of kinksters, or people who are curious to explore at the very least.

So how does one go about exploring? It goes without saying that for a lot of us, the kinks we toy with can be how we deal with past trauma, or at the least, have developed due to some sort of past experience that we want to overcome and gain control over ourselves. This leads to a metaphorical tightrope; there are obvious benefits and enjoyment to be gained by exploring our kinks, but it can also be detrimental if the environment isn't safe, or if your partner is not mindful of you. Even if your kinks aren't based on trauma, and more of a curiosity, it is possible for a very poor experience to lead to you gaining trauma. This is something we all have the responsibility to recognize and try our best to avoid.

In general, this is more in the case of Subs who have inexperienced or selfish Doms, but it is also possible for an inexperienced or selfish Sub to cross a Dom's line in the same manner. For this reason, it is important that everyone involved reaches a level of comfort with their partners. Feeling safe and secure is the most important aspect in any relationship, kink related or otherwise. This feeling of comfort over time is what allows us to trust our partners, which increases the passion and vulnerability that we share with them. Now some of us delve into extremes with our kinks, and push the boundary for what most would consider safe. The feeling of comfort is even more important in these cases, as you will likely understand just how serious the situation can be even after one session exploring these extremes. You wouldn't want to engage in a possibly harmful activity with someone that you don't feel secure with, whether you're a Sub or Dom, there are risks for both parties.

When I first stepped into the scene, it was much different. I was quite young and of course inexperienced, as were most of my partners. There were some online resources, but they weren't really accessible. It took me a little while to fully grasp the concept of fetishes and kinks, and to understand the type of role I was best fit toward. I realized that while I did enjoy some intense and extreme play; that I was naturally a good listener and very nurturing. I developed into a soft Dom mostly due to a necessity; a lot of the partners I encountered were still very much healing from trauma. My type must have been "Hot Mess" because I ended up being drawn to those who struggled with their past, but this led to me creating a safe space for them to vent and talk. Before long, it became a routine that I had, before we even engaged in any activities, the first thing we would do was get comfortable and we'd have a talk about our kinks and limits. I ask a lot of questions, which would usually lead to them opening up once they felt secure. Of course I'd share with them too, a lot of times first, if they were unsure. For me it was seeing the tension fade and release in my partner's body language that brought me joy. Praising, comforting them and letting them express themselves before we engaged was like foreplay to me, and it seemed to really make a difference on how enjoyable a session was for both of us. I've also had some partners who insisted on skipping the talking and getting right to the fun, but those have never been that enjoyable to me and it did end up showing in my lack of passion for the activity; so they were never as fulfilling as when we went through the "Comfort" stage as I like to call it. On the other hand, I've had many partners who I formed a bond with admit that they explored way beyond what they thought their limits were because they felt safe with me.

In my own experience, this scene is very passionate. There is very real depth to the connections we can and should form with our partners in order to get the most out of our sessions and relationships; fostering this level of comfort isn't always easy, but it's very rewarding. I'm quite strict now on ensuring all my partners go through this stage with me, to the point I'm not even interested if we don't form some sort of bond first. Of course, that's just my own personal preference, and no judgement to anyone who tends to leave emotion and connection out of it. However i think for most of us, how comfortable you can make your partner is just as important as how much of a mess you can make of them. This and aftercare are probably more rewarding to me now than the actual kinks I'm into, and I feel carry a lot of importance especially to those new to the scene.

Let me know what you think, I'm sure we all have a lot of different ideas as to how we conduct ourselves or enjoy the scene.

[ha****]

I feel like you're heavily misinformed on kink and trauma. This is an old and heavily outdated stereotype. These are the kind of red flags I look for in people who are here for all the wrong reasons. Kinks aren't rooted in mental illness which is what trauma is centred around. The scene is full of healthy minded individuals who are all about expression of self and freedom to act on it. If you're around the right people this should be very apparent.

[Elontherise]

I really enjoyed your post. Thank you for sharing your experience with us, and I do agree with you on the importance of connection, trust, and after care being a very valuable and important part of kink 😊

[Wo****]

Thank you for your post. I have similar experience and also enjoy "the comfort stage" a lot and it builds mutual trust and intimacy which very much heightens the sexual enjoyment. And even if my partner haven't gone through sexual trauma we all go through some kind of traumas in life that we can talk about to gain trust. This is a good thing in any kind of relationship but perhaps especially benefitial in a sexually trust dependent one, so to speak. Again, great post and important topic I think!

[cl****]

I completely agree on the importance of the comfort stage. I think it’s totally necessary and establishing how you can communicate with someone without a phone as a buffer so much gets lost in translation not being able to effectively convey emotion, through text message open effective line of communication before things get hot and heavy, very helpful cause then you can see how another person talks normally then you can tune in during the hot time and know if something is different than baseline. Like if they’re experiencing *** or stressed out or nervous or anxious and not wanting to tell you something if you go straight from text messageing If don’t know how the person talks normally you don’t have a baseline to go off. It’s really easy to miss things. And assume things good and bad that could lead to an awkward situation or a dangerous one which could lead to detrimental trauma on both sides. Thank you very much for the post. I hope everyone has a great night. Stay safe. Have fun.🤩

[sp****]

I love your on point truthful words,thank you.

[Ba****]

Well starting on a more light hearted note
My guy, dude, that’s not “like” foreplay, you build a connection, made a safe place, communicated limits and desires, opened up to each other, released tension caused by stress and anxiety, and skipping it made the whole experience less enjoyable for both of you, brother that IS foreplay


On a more serious note
Firstly your use of “or at the least” in the section about trauma seems very wrong

Is there a higher percentage of people with trauma or other issues in alternative spaces like the BDSM/kink community?? Yes
Are we a majority??
Not even close, and that includes the ones with issues entirely unrelated to their kink

For example a friend from my high school days got mugged twice as a kid while testing his brand new bicycle, he hasn’t touched one since, that is his trauma, his face changed colour when i offered to let him borrow mine for a bit, then he had a “crazy” girlfriend during our last school year who opened a wonderful new world to him and now he’s into sissification
sure if i bend and stretch quite a bid i could build a connection between him being humiliated and taken advantage of leading him desire to take ownership of his memory of emasculation or some bullshit like that but in reality those things have nothing to do with each other
Other innocuous inciting incidents i heard of include things like walking along a wooded trail with friends getting whacked across thighs by a branch and being surprised by unexpected pleasure, or playing hide and seek, finding a difficult spot to get into and feeling weirdly relaxed in such tight spaces

Secondly i get the feeling when you say “comfort” you tend to mean a kind if amalgamation of trust, security and intimacy and using the word “comfort” is quite confusing to me

One of the apparently more controversial hills i chose to keep dying on is that comfort is way too overrated

I mean as far as sexuality and adjacent practices are concerned this is kind of the “extreme sports section” compared to the more vanilla types of exercise

And i never heard of anyone just randomly saying “i wanna be comfortable, let’s try base jumping”, no people see some thing interesting, optimally do some research and maybe even visit a course, sub-optimally just do a quick crash course, find place and people, set a date and meet up, get a best case extensive or worst case quick rundown on safety, put on or get put in their gear, check if everything i secure, collect the courage to step up to the ledge, imagine a terrible outcome or a few, decide to be brave and jump, feel like their heart is gonna explode and think they’re gonna soil themself, pull the line, touch down, lie face down on the ground with their arms stretched out to thank great mother gaia wholeheartedly for all the support and stability they received over their life
Between them getting strapped into gear and them standing back up there is no comfort

Or my favorite example to use when someone says “everybody has to always be comfortable with anything happening during BDSM/kink interactions” is predicament bondage, if everybody can honestly say “i’m really comfortable right now” ten minutes after it started then they aren’t doing what they intended to
In this case comfort more for being comfortable with the idea of it happening, outright undesirable while it’s happening and actually important after it happened


Apart from that it’s good advice
The only thing i would generally add for absolute beginners is honestly and openly talk to each other, don’t role-play until you know what you’re doing and your safe-words are “no, don’t, wait, pause and stop” their meaning is literal until you do role-play that involves these words
And for aspiring doms specifically but not exclusively: if you don’t know something and/or have never done something, tell your partner and don’t try to look cool, have some reference material open

[Ge****]

This post articulates the bond perfectly.

[Ta****]

I think you speak of people that choose the lifestyle as an art form. Not the curious tourists or poser that aren't educating themselves, pushing boundaries nor expanding. They wear the label and the costumes.

I started as a Domina which makes me acutely aware of what it takes and what can be done. I actually went back to former bottoms/subs to apologize because I undervalued and underperformed aftercare. My very first impact session and sub drop experience made me aware in a way demos and classes could not.

Unfortunately, in my experience the effort and time is on the back burner. I'm an intellectual and if I can't get my mind around it my body won't do it.

Some wear their hearts on their sleeve, some in their pussy. Mine is in my grey matter. Safety, protocols, ritual are how I get into a sense of security I need to submit. That security comes from feeling heard and seen. Sadly for some it means discussion, clarifying, readdressing, adjusting and negotiations.

I would love to end this season of abstinence but I have experienced that I prefer to preserve and protect my wellness (by way of testing before fluid bonding), my peace (clear boundaries and equalization of expectations) and my journey.