First Sub, An Apology

[an****]

I fucked up.

You were my first, and there are things I understand now that I would give anything to have understood then.

I didn't know how deep trust could go.

I didn't understand that when someone gives you their submission, they can also hand you the places inside them that are already wounded, the places that are terrified of abandonment, rejection, being too much, or being left when they become difficult to hold.

And I didn't know how careful I needed to be with those places.

You told me you were scared.

And I left.

I heard “I'm scared of you” when I should have heard “I'm scared, and I need you to understand why.”

I made your *** about me.

I was insecure. I was scared too. I couldn't tolerate the possibility that I had become someone frightening to a person I cared about, so instead of staying, listening, slowing down, and understanding what you were trying to tell me, you told me to leave, I left.

I abandoned you inside the very *** you were trying to trust me with.

That realization fucking haunts me.

Because you were enough.

You were always enough.

You weren't too damaged. You weren't too emotional. You weren't too difficult to hold. Your *** wasn't a failure of your submission, and it wasn't something you needed to hide to keep me.

I simply didn't know yet how to sit beside someone's darkness without becoming afraid of my own.

I know now that trust isn't proven when submission is easy.

It's proven in the moments when someone is shaking, scared, confused, or hurting and still risks telling you the truth.

You did that.

I didn't know how to receive it.

There are wounds an apology cannot close. I know that.

I cannot go backward and become the person you needed in that moment. I cannot take away what my ignorance added to wounds that were already deep.

All I can finally tell you the truth:

You did not fail me.

I failed to understand you.

And I am so fucking sorry that you had to be my first lesson in what trust actually costs.

[Sw****]

I hope your Sub is still on here and is able to see your message. It's not my place but.... I'd be willing to forgive.
Wishing you both the best.

[Gr****]

Aren't we all just here teaching and to be taught?😃

[Dr****]

Wow! As a sub myself, you nailed how ***ful I am to give over how very fragile I am without the control that has held my world together. Beautiful apology! I would love those words in my profile to speak for me! Well done.

[Sweetestsadist]

Wow!!! Thank you for putting this out there. Letting the rest of us get something gritty, raw, and str1pped to the bone, and completely relatable. Something some of us can REALLY understand, while being involved in the lifestyle for more than a
hot sec.
Well done!

[ol****]

For what purpose did you post this on this story?

Is your hope that this individual will see this and know you’re sorry, or is it a memento of your own regret solidified online?

I think the apology is a genuine reaction, however I’m guessing either one of two things - you’ve been blocked, and therefore you have used this as a means for them to know your feelings, or you for whatever reason want random people to know this situation.

If the reason was that they no longer want to communicate with you, then this wasn’t the best idea, blocking is a clear message, they don’t want to communicate, or it’s too ***ful to do so.

So you making this message ironically if your aim is to let them know you’re sorry, it will likely fall short, although the sentiment may be appreciated.

Don’t beat yourself up too much, people make mistakes, no dom is infallible to human error, we’re all able to make mistakes; the important thing is that the lessons aren’t soon forgotten.

I’ve always felt a genuine apology is the best thing you can do to help someone know, but I’ve come to realise, apologies doesn’t change any of the feelings of the person they are directed towards, unless I think backed by proof in personal growth

You’ve demonstrated that you’ve been at fault, you’ve explained why, but do you truly understand the weight of your actions, if not yet, I suggest, looking into books for being in this dynamics, further education.

And then start a new chapter, when you fully accept that, whether that is with someone new or old- you’ll likely make more mistakes, and hopefully by the time you are done making them, you’ve become the dom you want to be.

Apologies honestly don’t benefit anyone if they aren’t back by actions, so maybe this message is the first of many, I’m reading a book I’ve heard can aid, non-violent communication, it should give you the tools to ground yourself, evaluate the situation, then respond when you are calm and concise.

Good luck and hope your next dynamic is the last

[Dr****]

Who cares why. It was a beautiful tribute to someone he cared about. Just keep scrolling dude!

[na****]

We live and learn man

[na****]

We're just broken people one thing I learned about the BDSM community we all have our traumas I think that's why we all kind of like it because we have to find someone to trust we can totally surrender ourselves to it whether it's dom or sub relationship.

[Ur****]

Wow this was absolutely beautiful! Reading this was somewhat healing for my own experience. Thank you for sharing these words. I know for some of us subs we wished we got an apology like this once.

[an****]

42 minutes ago, oliver6996 said:

For what purpose did you post this on this story?

Is your hope that this individual will see this and know you’re sorry, or is it a memento of your own regret solidified online?

I think the apology is a genuine reaction, however I’m guessing either one of two things - you’ve been blocked, and therefore you have used this as a means for them to know your feelings, or you for whatever reason want random people to know this situation.

If the reason was that they no longer want to communicate with you, then this wasn’t the best idea, blocking is a clear message, they don’t want to communicate, or it’s too ***ful to do so.

So you making this message ironically if your aim is to let them know you’re sorry, it will likely fall short, although the sentiment may be appreciated.

Don’t beat yourself up too much, people make mistakes, no dom is infallible to human error, we’re all able to make mistakes; the important thing is that the lessons aren’t soon forgotten.

I’ve always felt a genuine apology is the best thing you can do to help someone know, but I’ve come to realise, apologies doesn’t change any of the feelings of the person they are directed towards, unless I think backed by proof in personal growth

You’ve demonstrated that you’ve been at fault, you’ve explained why, but do you truly understand the weight of your actions, if not yet, I suggest, looking into books for being in this dynamics, further education.

And then start a new chapter, when you fully accept that, whether that is with someone new or old- you’ll likely make more mistakes, and hopefully by the time you are done making them, you’ve become the dom you want to be.

Apologies honestly don’t benefit anyone if they aren’t back by actions, so maybe this message is the first of many, I’m reading a book I’ve heard can aid, non-violent communication, it should give you the tools to ground yourself, evaluate the situation, then respond when you are calm and concise.

Good luck and hope your next dynamic is the last

Please share the book title.

[an****]

1 hour ago, SweetSucculent said:

I hope your Sub is still on here and is able to see your message. It's not my place but.... I'd be willing to forgive.
Wishing you both the best.

This was many lifetimes ago. Her apology came from my lips. She was having nightmares about me and I misunderstood what was going on and guided her to break up with me. I regret very much not understanding what was actually happening. By the time I did, we were different people. I wrote this apology for everyone who never got theirs.

[ba****]

😭😭😭💕

[ha****]

3 hours ago, anotherusername said:

This was many lifetimes ago. Her apology came from my lips. She was having nightmares about me and I misunderstood what was going on and guided her to break up with me. I regret very much not understanding what was actually happening. By the time I did, we were different people. I wrote this apology for everyone who never got theirs.

It was hauntingly beautiful and tugged at my heartstrings. Thank you for this. 🫶🏻

[ra****]

Her nightmares. Not yours. Unavailable women. Available, but always rejecting you. Keeps you suffering for nothing. A lesson. As well as a bad one.

[ol****]

10 hours ago, anotherusername said:

Please share the book title.

Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent
Communication Guides)
Marshall B. Rosenberg

[ol****]

2 minutes ago, oliver6996 said:

Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent
Communication Guides)
Marshall B. Rosenberg

Can’t delete, but at the beginning it is nonviolent communication before language of life

[an****]

1 hour ago, rareroots said:

Her nightmares. Not yours. Unavailable women. Available, but always rejecting you. Keeps you suffering for nothing. A lesson. As well as a bad one.

She is a very good girl.

Her nightmare was her worst fantasy (my betrayal). I listened to her words because I didn't understand what was underneath.

I fulfilled her prophecy. "Everyone leaves".

A month after the break up she asked me what I wanted from her apartment and all I text her was "you". We texted for a bit. She said "don't come here". I listened to her words.

It was over a year before we actually talked about it, and it all clicked, and that sucked.

I have seen her a couple times over the years, we talk, I give her massage (she can't sleep on the really bad days), she lays on my chest as I brush her hair, before she is fully asleep I tuck her in, kiss her forehead, and try not to cry all the way home. We are different now, but it doesn't mean we don't still care.

She is a very good girl.

[an****]

37 minutes ago, oliver6996 said:

Can’t delete, but at the beginning it is nonviolent communication before language of life

I will pick this up, thank you. Reading the reviews and summary. You may want to pick up How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, it is a study of authority without domination and recognizes the emotions, autonomy, etc, of the exchange, it's one of my favorites.

[jinxed]

Beautiful. 
And it touches on something I thought about today: leniency. More specifically the reasonableness of leniency. Isn't it only sensible to be lenient with a partner who messes up not out of ignorance but out of inexperience in life itself, including human behaviour in all its complexities and even less so in strategies to deal with those. Only experience (in combination with curiosity) can bring about experience, so how could anyone not be lenient with a person (including ourselves with ourselves) that goes through one of the most psychologically challenging human interactions possible for the very first time. 

Also, I believe that the ability to offer leniency depends on the ability to express needs/dislikes/likes ourselves as we would have learned that desires can be a lot better fulfilled and restrictions can only be respected when they have been made known. And this ability comes with - surprise! - experience.. 

Thanks for this great, great text and impulse. 

 

[ol****]

3 hours ago, anotherusername said:

I will pick this up, thank you. Reading the reviews and summary. You may want to pick up How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, it is a study of authority without domination and recognizes the emotions, autonomy, etc, of the exchange, it's one of my favorites.

Can’t tell if this was a jab.… hay renews are important of course, but maybe we’re looking at different views.

[an****]

I understand your thought, and no. The title is unique for this place, but the message is worth the read.

This book is not an exact exchange of parenting to d/s dynamic, nor is it a direct Employer/Employee, d/s, mentor/student, advisor/client, leader/follower match.

This book is just one I enjoy that touches on communication when one person has greater situational or position authority without treating the other person's internal experience as irrelevant.

It's old, and you will see a reference of asking if $4 is enough to repair a wrist watch. It is still my favorite lesson and I acquired and given more copies than I can count.

[an****]

4 hours ago, jinxed said:

Beautiful. 
And it touches on something I thought about today: leniency. More specifically the reasonableness of leniency. Isn't it only sensible to be lenient with a partner who messes up not out of ignorance but out of inexperience in life itself, including human behaviour in all its complexities and even less so in strategies to deal with those. Only experience (in combination with curiosity) can bring about experience, so how could anyone not be lenient with a person (including ourselves with ourselves) that goes through one of the most psychologically challenging human interactions possible for the very first time. 

Also, I believe that the ability to offer leniency depends on the ability to express needs/dislikes/likes ourselves as we would have learned that desires can be a lot better fulfilled and restrictions can only be respected when they have been made known. And this ability comes with - surprise! - experience.. 

Thanks for this great, great text and impulse. 

 

Any response would do a disservice to what you wrote. This fits perfectly. Thank you.

[Ja****]

I just had a litttle sub betray me she was sneaky and used her issues as an excuse to cheat lie and betray me. Gotta be careful some of these cumsluts are slippery

[ra****]

17 hours ago, anotherusername said:

She is a very good girl.

Her nightmare was her worst fantasy (my betrayal). I listened to her words because I didn't understand what was underneath.

I fulfilled her prophecy. "Everyone leaves".

A month after the break up she asked me what I wanted from her apartment and all I text her was "you". We texted for a bit. She said "don't come here". I listened to her words.

It was over a year before we actually talked about it, and it all clicked, and that sucked.

I have seen her a couple times over the years, we talk, I give her massage (she can't sleep on the really bad days), she lays on my chest as I brush her hair, before she is fully asleep I tuck her in, kiss her forehead, and try not to cry all the way home. We are different now, but it doesn't mean we don't still care.

She is a very good girl.

Such relationships are there for learning. The question is, if you are living. But, I see you felt you failed. So, a real man knows how not to fail. But there is no ending regarding learning. If you still have enough energy for this relationsship, it will last. If not, it will end.