Seem to get ignored - Is it just me?

[St****]

Ive just done a reboot of bio bit if anyone can tell me if its still pants

[Je****]

1 minute ago, Strapon-me said:

Thanks Jennifer

Anytime. I am usually about in the Lobby as are most of these lovely peeps so dont ever be afraid to pop in and ask for advice and tips and such. It can also help u gain some confidence when chatting to others too <3

[St****]

Ok ill pop in later

[Je****]

2 minutes ago, Strapon-me said:

Ive just done a reboot of bio bit if anyone can tell me if its still pants

I had a look and it seems / sounds good to me. my only critique is that u says "so here goes twice" (thats me being pernickety, theres nothing wrong with it) and do mention the lack of self confidence, which i respect as you have, but just be mindful this doesnt open people to think you are *** or anything like that (i did that once and i learned fast the men who approached me tried to take advantage of that, i cant speak for female approachers as ive no experience of that).

 

but once you think of some more things you like or want to try what limits and boundaries you have and what kind of a person u are specifically looking for, it may help u find some genuine people. Deffo do join us in the chat tho, youll excel xxxx

 

 

(sorry if i sounded rude or disrespectful in any of that its not my intention)

[St****]

The help is much appreciated Jennifer and no offence has been taken

[helenOfToy]

2 hours ago, Strapon-me said:

The help is much appreciated Jennifer and no offence has been taken

That's a perfectly good description. Personally I find my profile has evolved as I have, incorporating new info a I go. Don't take lack of replies personally as it happens to us all. In my time I think I've only made one friendship from someone I cold messaged, but made lots of amazing friends from chatting in the lobby. Just be yourself and be patient. Good Dommes who are available are a rare thing. Hang in there.

[Ar****]

19 minutes ago, helenOfToy said:

That's a perfectly good description. Personally I find my profile has evolved as I have, incorporating new info a I go. Don't take lack of replies personally as it happens to us all. In my time I think I've only made one friendship from someone I cold messaged, but made lots of amazing friends from chatting in the lobby. Just be yourself and be patient. Good Dommes who are available are a rare thing. Hang in there.

I agree with how our profiles are slowly built up. My profile so far has been eclectic and I believe it would continue to be. Its not that I dont have anything original to write, its just that whatever words we have can be euphonised and they have been by other people. I would suggest reading different profiles and getting some ideas from them. 

I also agree with how good dommes are rare. Most of them are only here to make *** and worse, they can be males catfishing you. Keep a wide eye open. 

 

Hope you find someone nice who is legit. 

[Phoenyx]

@Strapon-meI would say that one of the best ways to build self-confidence here, is to do exactly what you are doing now---getting involved in conversations.  "Chat rooms" can be a bit tricky though, as they require being fast on the keyboard.  Whatever your choice, don't be afraid to share what you have learned.  You have been here for a couple years.  And, in that time, you have likely picked-up more than you realize.  Don't worry about getting/stating something wrong---that is part of learning.  Folks here tend to be quite understanding, and will help to point-out any errors.  Ignore those that are outrightly negative and unhelpful---there's always one in every crowd.

It is understandable to have trouble gaining self-confidence in the BDSM realm.  There are a couple main reasons.  First, there is the lifetime of overt hostility that we have received from "polite vanilla society".  It takes time and patience to undo that conditioning.  The other difficulty comes from the great illusion of the BDSM Scene.  To a new observer, hook-ups and relationships appear to happen so quickly.  In fact, such relationships take a long time to develop.

Which, gets into the great *** that the illusion can cause.  That sense of being "left out" can be extreme enough to drive one into the depths of self-pity.  Always remember that it is not real!  Emotions are being fooled by an illusion.  Your heart is trying to deny what you have already accomplished.  Take stock of the things that you have learned here.  Notice how they relate to everyday aspects of your personality.  Don't be afraid to ask questions here.  There is no such thing as a dumb question---only dumb answers.  Use the positive feedback that you get, to learn more about yourself.  Self-discovery is an amazing feeling, and you can always learn something new.

Don't worry about the silence of PM's.  So many scammers and trolls have ***d that system, that few folks even use it anymore.  Most folks here, know that I am no longer actively "looking".  My interest is really just intelligent convo and discussion of common interests.  Still, most of my PM's tend to get ignored.  So, just continue to do what you are doing here---posting discussion topics.  You may or may not find a relationship or play-partner.  But, you will find friends!  Someone might even invite you to a fetish event in your area, where you will get to meet others IRL.

As for your profile, that is something that evolves over time.  Once you allow yourself the joy of self-discovery, you will find things to add.  You will see how parts of your inner self relate to "The Scene" at-large.  One suggestion though, is to move the results of the BDSM test, from the "Status Update" area, to the end of your "Description".  That way, folks don't have to scroll through all of that, to get to the things that you wish to say about yourself.  Or, delete the BDSM test entirely.  That test was really meant just for "entertainment purposes", and has never been very accurate.

I really hope that this has been of help.

[ey****]

Just to further a little about esteem and confidence

I think sometimes there are things that guys do, especially if they might have had other self-confidence or other issues in the past, is put a lot of stock into finding a relationship or 'play' or whatever and that's in vanilla as much as kink

This then becomes a little bit of it's own problem because if you then end up tying your confidence or happiness to getting results - this can cause things to spiral when you don't get the response you crave.

You can control your thoughts and your actions - you cannot control other people's thoughts, actions, response.  (Of course you can influence this; but even a well put together profile and the perfect intro does not come with any certainty of a response)

Now. Do you know what sucks more than no response? A response through pity.  Because firstly it then becomes that someone isn't talking so much because they're interested in you, but because they feel sorry for you - and you end up also becoming aware you're being an emotional burden which also makes you feel low - and - even if you're NOT and even if it's not through feeling sorry for you, it ends up with you doubting it yourself and seeking constant assurances which in itself can be off-putting at times.

I guess in short 

Play, relationships, intimate times - can be a good source of happiness - but - if you rely too much on this, it can accelerate unhappiness. 

[Ae****]

Not a fun experience :/
My angle: learn to love yourself and be happy single. Don't base your self-worth on how others treat you. When that happens, you won't care what others think, won't care about not getting responses, or getting rude ones, as happens. At that point, you can then start safely thinking about charming people. It's a long process.

Regarding someone asking about if men deal with the same thing as women re PMs and in general... No. Of course not. Men generally also don't get as many compliments, approaches being made on them, dates or bed action with as much ease, PMs or picture likes.
There are reasons for differences in behaviour among men and women and pros and cons to the dynamics that exist for both sides. Take the good with the bad, and have understanding - it'll give you more patience and it's just a nice thing to have for others.

[ey****]

8 hours ago, Aeonova said:

Men generally also don't get as many compliments, approaches being made on them, dates or bed action with as much ease, PMs or picture likes.

Some of these have been touched in other threads before, but, here is a simple question - why do so few men for example, compliment other men, PM other men, or like the pictures of other men?

Now I know the obvious answers here... it's usually a case of, "well I'm straight" -ok, fair, but that wouldn't stop someone being "I like that picture" or "hey, that outfit looks good" if this is what they genuinely thought - so it then gets into the next point : that some might not for *** their compliment/comment/like is misconstructed  as a come on or 'being interested' 

There'll be other answers as well - and some is just kinda engrained or conditioned.  

So then when you flip it.  Sometimes women don't do these things because whilst it might be a flitting thought - they don't want it to be mistaken as a come on - and - honestly, too many men take this as "yes, she's interested" and (maybe she was a little bit...) and turn it inappropriate too quickly and so it becomes off-putting for women to do this unless they've a little bit more confidence this won't happen.

Like, liking a picture for example shouldn't open up a demand for a conversation.

The other way. Whenever someone has come in my DMs, which (excluding scammers) it's usually women referencing something I've said or done - I sometimes retrospectively wonder if they were just being nice or were interested : but : I dunno, I didn't want to become inappropriate.

Obviously this is rarer than may happen to women, but, that's on inappropriate male behaviour rather than women getting "dates or bed action with ease" - that's actually a fallacy btw.  It's assumed women have it easier, because well, they've the pick-of-the-bunch but the reality is it's only easier if they lower their standards...

[Ae****]

On this topic I'll finally simply say, no, it's not a fallacy. The dynamics I mentioned explain why. I'll repeat the idea - rather than being unfairly negative regarding some behaviour by anyone or a group of people - understanding is preferable.

[ey****]

if someone has 100 "offers" in their inbox and every single one is poor - is it easier for her than a guy who has had contact from one lady that is promising?

[Ae****]

If you'd like to PM me about this *maybe* we can chat. I like fun discussion, but not so into convincing complete strangers for no reason - not my thing. You could also start a new topic if you like - because I think others in this thread may not be interested in this, it's straying off topic in my view.

[Mz****]

I think there's any number of reasons someone may pass by as it were, as already mentioned profiles do make a difference, they give a little insight into the person behind it, often a way to open a conversation too, and allow, if you look beyond the actual bio, you to see activity, how someone engages with others for example or what subjects interest them..and empty profiles..however valid the reasons behind them, don't do that in the same ways.      Screen names too can make a big difference, rightly or wrongly first impressions are made and someone with a more "offensive" or "crude" or "kink specific"  name will often regret its choice quite quickly. For example if I saw someone named Onlyfucksdirtywhores or removemyballs..my instant thought would be I have nothing I want to discuss with them and I wouldn't bother looking deeper..I appreciate some will feel their kink name defines, but for anyone who doesn't share that kink it can be off-putting.

I'd venture to say most of us have had a ghosting type experience, have at some point felt overlooked, irrelevant or invisible, all I can do is repeat the great advice you've already received and actioned.. just be yourself and try not to take things personally, it's hard, but it is worth it.

Edited August 29, 2021 by MzJax
Text reformatting iteself

[so****]

It doesn't bother me if I get ghosted by someone I just met. That's almost to be expected here. What really hurts is when a mistress of 6 months suddenly drops you & blocks you on every platform & won't answer her phone. & This is when everything is going 100% great. No arguments at all. She just disappeared. It broke my heart in ways I cannot put into words. That's the kind of ghosting o don't like. But if I just met you & all we've done is chat a little, then that's fine. Almost to be expected. But a 6 month dynamic that was going good suddenly destroyed without any explanation. That's what really hurts.

[Phoenyx]

"Ghosting" can be a strange thing, particularly if that other person never raised any red flags.  Typically, when I send an unsolicited PM, I am inquiring about a possible BDSM community in a neighboring city (where the addressee might live).  In this case, there are two possible reasons for a non-response.  One, is that they got "the wrong idea" about my message.  This can be particularly true, if there is a great age difference.  The other, is that my message did not convey "the right idea" (if you get my drift).  Either way, I chalk it up to their expectations of unsolicited messages.

@sonofthunder777, I am really sorry that that happened to you.  I know your ***, as I was once there, myself.  However, consider this scenario---one that I have seen all-too-often in the BDSM world:  A person gets involved in a new "vanilla" relationship, that feels like a dream-come-true.  Out of *** of jeopardizing this new relationship, they suddenly cut-off all contacts with the BDSM community.  Even folks who once considered themselves "lifestyle", have abruptly done this.  I realize that this doesn't ease the *** of such loss.  At least though, it is a good reason not to blame yourself.

[ey****]

Sometimes on ghosting - especially on something so harsh - there can often be a... want to know why.  And, sometimes in life we don't get the closure we want and have to deal with unknowns (that... if it WAS something we did wrong - to want to learn from it)

I remember a few years ago there was someone blocked me that I had a very much 'wtf?' moment to it.  Later turns out that her partner was massively controlling on who he wanted her interacting with (there is a longer complicated story to this - including a scam the partner was running on one of the clip stores to manipulate sales figures and keep her at the top of the charts : both increasing visibility to other buyers and other people who might book her)

But I know this has happened before.

Folk have deleted profiles or done mass deletes because...

A partner found out.   A family member found out. A job found out (some are a bit more liberal than others on this). 

Or, actually, in at least two cases I can think of, one male one female, they've been arrested and due to the nature of the arrest had to remove from social media and cut contacts as a condition of bail or sentencing....(to which people were wondering about being ghosted until they popped up in the papers) 

[ey****]

This doesn't mean it hurts any less, but, people are complex.

[EMandM]

If you mean on the site, don't worry, there are a looooot of time wasters on here (and all of these sites) there's also a few fake profiles unfortunately. Fakes tend to be 1 or 2 pics of a girl, face usually shown. Just 3 or 4 bits of information and only looking for men.