Popular Post an**** Posted September 10 Popular Post We are constantly told that when someone doesn't reciprocate our effort, affection, communication, or love, we should stop giving it. Match their energy. Stop reaching out. Give them what they give you. Cut them off. Ghost the ghost. I say BS, this logic annoys me. Why should someone else's capacity to give determine ours? If affection comes naturally, don't become less affectionate because someone else isn't. If we only give affection when receiving equivalent affection in return, we aren't actually giving freely, it's just transactional. What exactly are you supposed to cut off? It sounds like everyone is saying "cut off the part of you that makes you feel like you" 🤣😒 What?
La**** Posted September 10 Fair. However, pretty soon, it becomes akin to trying to fill up a bucket with a hole in the bottom... Sure, you might be able or even enjoy filling that bucket up, but is the goal to fill the bucket, or have it be full? Knowing when to pull the plug is essential to maintaining your mental health for some folks.
Deleted Member Posted September 10 Life is transactional. Sometimes its clear(I put in effort to cook dinner, I receive dinner) Sometimes its not( she hasnt wanted me In a while, why should I be spending time with her). Maybe the she in this instance has alot on her plate and just needs a hug, maybe her other lovers are more interesting, maybe shes thinking exactly the same thing. Yes very personal to me and my current situation. As many other posters have and will say, it gets old giving and giving and not getting your needs met.
li**** Posted September 10 Cutting off a relationship is not the problem... Ghosting people is. Be mature enough to say, thank you but I'm not interested and say goodbye. Simple and mature.
si**** Posted September 10 36 minutes ago, lima7864 said: Cutting off a relationship is not the problem... Ghosting people is. Be mature enough to say, thank you but I'm not interested and say goodbye. Simple and mature. Agree 💯!
Deleted Member Posted September 10 All relationships are transactional. Either fall back or cut them off if they aren’t reciprocating.
Bl**** Posted September 10 For me I reach because I refuse to leave love unsaid. I refuse to let today claim my tomorrow. Tomorrow is not promised and you should say what you refuse to leave unsaid. There may not be a tomorrow.
Sh**** Posted September 10 A relationship, any relationship, is about two people choosing out of their own free will to come together to be in relation with one another. People and relationships are dynamic and so both people’s respective capacities and willingness will likely fluctuate over time. However, the relationship no longer works as it has been once it no longer works for at least one person. If that happens, that’s when a conversation can be had and the possibility of change can be discussed — one doesn’t have to jump to ghosting. However, opening up the relationship to change can be scary, since that introduces the possibility of its ending.
Da**** Posted September 10 Life goes awry. Shit happens. And honestly there will be a lot of times when energy will not be in balance . Both sides will have their own things going on and they will lose interest occasionally (if not often) . We don’t live in the era of Romeo and Juliet . We don’t mate for life anymore . So really it is the question of how long have you gone without a right balance ? No expectations is nice but right expectations is equally important . And when all that results into constant stress, unhappiness and well - no respect, fuck it .
Deleted Member Posted September 10 Fallback immediately, idgaf at this point. Then decide when you want to cut them off if they’re still not reciprocating how you want them to.
Li**** Posted September 10 2 hours ago, lima7864 said: Cutting off a relationship is not the problem... Ghosting people is. Be mature enough to say, thank you but I'm not interested and say goodbye. Simple and mature. THIS!!!!!! If they are truly ghosting you, as in not responding, do you know why? Maybe family or other emergency happened, how long since their last response. Give yourself space to explore the value to you to continue or let go. People have different boundaries. Do what comforts you. Ask them if they are interested in continuing, be adult, have the conversation then you will know if ghosting, disinterested or life "temporarily" interrupted the communication
an**** Posted September 10 Author 4 hours ago, LaVidaDaVueltas said: Fair. However, pretty soon, it becomes akin to trying to fill up a bucket with a hole in the bottom... Sure, you might be able or even enjoy filling that bucket up, but is the goal to fill the bucket, or have it be full? Knowing when to pull the plug is essential to maintaining your mental health for some folks. How do I know the size or integrity of their bucket? Why is the demand always to fill their bucket? 🤔 That's exactly what I'm questioning. If I enjoy pouring, why measure what stayed in the bucket? This is for all you givers out there. But also maybe they just have a tiny bucket and it's overflowing, don't know how buckets work or something/someone fucking beat the hell out of their bucket and it just leaks all the time. Like you don't have to know or assume anything negative is my point.
an**** Posted September 10 Author 4 hours ago, denver81791 said: Life is transactional. Sometimes its clear(I put in effort to cook dinner, I receive dinner) Sometimes its not( she hasnt wanted me In a while, why should I be spending time with her). Maybe the she in this instance has alot on her plate and just needs a hug, maybe her other lovers are more interesting, maybe shes thinking exactly the same thing. Yes very personal to me and my current situation. As many other posters have and will say, it gets old giving and giving and not getting your needs met. Transactional is exactly how we get here. 🤔 If we are waiting to receive before we are willing to give, who goes first? And who decides what is adequate compensation, if you can give a bucket and they can't spare a drip, you cut them off?
mi**** Posted September 10 Anyone and everyone that you allow to have an important position in your life is going to hurt you in some way. Whether it’s a lie or something much worse, everyone is going to let you down at some point. You have to decide who is worth suffering for, and how much are you willing to suffer for that person.
an**** Posted September 10 Author 1 hour ago, middletown780898 said: Anyone and everyone that you allow to have an important position in your life is going to hurt you in some way. Whether it’s a lie or something much worse, everyone is going to let you down at some point. You have to decide who is worth suffering for, and how much are you willing to suffer for that person. I agree with most of this, but I'm getting stuck on suffering. Is disappointment, or missing someone, or wanting more, really suffering? What I see is we (generally) are too quick to translate a connection that doesn't give us everything we want into a declaration that the connection is hurting us.
No**** Posted September 10 An eye for an eye leaves the world blind... however, I think if you are meeting your partners' needs and they aren't meeting yours, it requires a discussion. Ultimately, if your needs are expressed and not being met after addressing it, it's time to move on. That's my humble opinion
Ka**** Posted September 10 I read a very great quote that stuck with me. A relationship is not 50/50. It is 100 %. It is a balance. Somedays I may give 90% and the other only 10% but together we still give 100%. It’s a wax and wane thing. We balance each other. Make up for what the other is lacking. There are times when my partner may need to cover 85% because I’m not doing well or sad. It doesn’t mean that we cut each other off. We just shift the balance for that time. And I’m not talking the Dom/sub or switch dynamic. I’m referring to the amount of effort that we each give to maintain the relationship.
DrewDMS Posted September 10 When to cut off??? I live by "treat others in the way you want to be treated." I put in the effort to communicate, and I want the same effort in return. So I tell my partner, "Good morning," "Good night," and "How was your day?" daily. I also text to say I'm thinking about them. Thus, I invest my time in the relationship. I treat my partner with kindness, respect, empathy, sympathy, passion, compassion, etc., to show that I care about them. While we're together, my phone is on silent, and I don't bother to check messages or socials. They're my main focus. The cutoff comes after some time has passed and I've given them more than enough chances to treat me in the same way. It's tiring to have a one-sided relationship. It's tiring to meet their expectations while they're not meeting mine. It's tiring to make sure their needs are met while mine aren't. Thus, I call it a loss and walk away... I'm not a f**king yard dog.
wo**** Posted September 11 Cutting someone off when they stop becoming useful, is usually the best course of action.If they stop returning favors , that means they think you've stopped doing something that they value , or they don't see a reason to share value with you. fixing that is quite challenging no one's really that unique or special.You'll be replaced and you replace them.It's just a matter of time
an**** Posted September 11 Author 4 hours ago, DrewDMS said: When to cut off??? I live by "treat others in the way you want to be treated." I put in the effort to communicate, and I want the same effort in return. So I tell my partner, "Good morning," "Good night," and "How was your day?" daily. I also text to say I'm thinking about them. Thus, I invest my time in the relationship. I treat my partner with kindness, respect, empathy, sympathy, passion, compassion, etc., to show that I care about them. While we're together, my phone is on silent, and I don't bother to check messages or socials. They're my main focus. The cutoff comes after some time has passed and I've given them more than enough chances to treat me in the same way. It's tiring to have a one-sided relationship. It's tiring to meet their expectations while they're not meeting mine. It's tiring to make sure their needs are met while mine aren't. Thus, I call it a loss and walk away... I'm not a f**king yard dog. I resonate with your first paragraph. I also understand if the conversation has happened and the tie cut mutually. My issue is with the "I've given them more than enough chances" enough for who? For you? For them? How many chances do you give them if they are in a coma? A couple hours, maybe a day, a week? What do you do when they say pull the plug, but you can feel the 'don't' in their voice or in their silence? What do you do when they are silent because living hurts and their coma is daily existence? My dog is happy to see me no matter how long I am away. Should he hate me or run away if I go away for a week and don't check in? If he gets out and someone else feeds him for a couple days, is he now trash? Why do his actions control my reactions?
Daddybrains Posted September 11 Even if love is boundless, time is not. Cutting someone off is a punitive turn of phrase - but treasure your time. If spending it calling out into a darkness that never responds makes you feel alive, maybe it’s a great use of your time! If not, reallocate that scarce resource.
Ro**** Posted September 11 I get the vibe of wanting to give unconditionally, but honestly, treating a relationship like a one-way street is a fast track to burnout city. We see this everywhere. There’s the "Unpaid Therapist" dynamic, where you listen to their existential dread for three hours, but when you vent for two minutes, they hit you with a "damn, that's crazy." Or the "One-Sided Texting" olympics, where you send a thoughtful paragraph and get back a thumbs-up emoji three business days later. Matching energy or walking away isn't about keeping score—it’s just basic self-preservation: Save your battery: Emotional energy is expensive, and inflation is real. Stop pouring premium effort into a void that gives you nothing in return. Skip the bitter phase: Giving unconditionally sounds poetic until you wake up three months from now entirely fueled by pure, unadulterated resentment. Set a price tag: If you keep giving away your time and affection for free to someone who treats it like junk mail, they'll never see its value. Pulling back isn't being "transactional." It’s realizing your presence is a premium subscription, and they let their free trial expire. If someone is having a rough time occasionally, ill give them the benefit of the doubt, but if they are continuously minimize or dismiss, I'm going to walk away, because I've experienced the result of being the emotional carrier for both all of the time and frankly it sucks. Life is too short. I need it reciprocated.
DrewDMS Posted September 11 11 hours ago, anotherusername said: I resonate with your first paragraph. I also understand if the conversation has happened and the tie cut mutually. My issue is with the "I've given them more than enough chances" enough for who? For you? For them? How many chances do you give them if they are in a coma? A couple hours, maybe a day, a week? What do you do when they say pull the plug, but you can feel the 'don't' in their voice or in their silence? What do you do when they are silent because living hurts and their coma is daily existence? My dog is happy to see me no matter how long I am away. Should he hate me or run away if I go away for a week and don't check in? If he gets out and someone else feeds him for a couple days, is he now trash? Why do his actions control my reactions? There's a lot to unpack there. As for dogs, they're wired for love and affection. They can take the ***, the neglect, the separation, and they'll still be there. So, if the dog's action was to tear up the house and relieve itself everywhere, isn't your reaction to be highly upset that your home was destroyed? Then you might punish the dog for its bad behavior, but you still clean up after it? The dog does its part in your relationship by interacting with you, loving you, and caring for you when you're upset or sad. The dog wants to be with you for every waking moment of its life. You wanted the dog in the first place, and in some cases, the dog picked you, too. The issue is that people will think the dog will always be there, no matter what. They can do whatever and not worry. So, yeah, leave for a week. Barely interact with it. Show little to no affection. Interactions are "have-tos" and not "want-tos." Before you know it, the dog is gone. Sadly, the dog dies of a broken heart if they don't run away. People like to treat other people like dogs. The choice was there. Interactions were want-tos, full of love and affection. Then, there's a sudden change... the dog becomes neglected and ***d. Interactions are have-tos. The dog feels abandoned and lonely, with no idea why. Heartbroken, the dog is still happy with the sporadic "treats" and attention... but for how long??? This dog chose someone, and she chose me. She rescued me from a shattered life. She and her partner played with me and my first wife. We were good friends. Then, the wife left and took the kids. She decided to leave her partner for me. We were married shortly after my divorce. 5 years of marriage were great. We continued our lifestyle through the first year, but it faded without explanation. Heartbroken that a joy of life was gone, but our sex and relationship were great. We renewed our vows in church on our 5th anniversary. I cried and meant every word. Since then, we've had fewer and fewer interactions at home. I was put on a pedestal in public, but on the shelf at home. Public affection was all for show. Home interactions were have-tos. 5 years of crap treatment. What did I do so wrong? Why did she stop loving me? Sex was on her terms, and I was briefly happy, but not satisfied. I kept meeting her needs while mine suffered. My love for her never changed, but endured. I tried to express my heartache many times, but she didn't listen. She had a double bypass and a hip replacement. She lost her dad years before she met me. She lost her mom a few years into our marriage. She fell into deep depression. And I tried to pull her out. She gave up on life, on us, on me, and secluded herself in her own mind. I prayed many times for God to take her home. I couldn't comfort her because she didn't want me to. My faith faltered, and hers was shot. I felt powerless. I was abandoned and alone. Heartbroken... I wanted to die... Then my life changed. In June 2017, my youngest son wanted me to move so we could be closer and reconnect. So, the move from Cali to Iowa was made in July. It was done without her because she was in a convalescent home to recover from hip surgery. The lady who helped me was my *** from church. She rekindled the love in my heart. We discovered our deep love for each other. Our feelings were mutual. We agreed to wait until our respective spouses passed before we got together. Life had other plans. I got my 2nd wife to Iowa. A month later, I rescued my girlfriend and her two youngest kids and brought them home. The plan was to be a halfway point for her. But sex with my wife felt like I was cheating on my girlfriend. I told my wife everything, and life began anew when she kicked her out, and I followed. I'm not going to say what happened to my ex that day or where she went. However, I'm happily married to a wonderful woman, although we still have our faults, and I also have a girlfriend. So the best time to cut someone off is when someone better comes along. And pulling the plug is very difficult. I had to euthanize my dog in September 2023 because a tumor was too much for her.
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