an**** Posted September 11 Author 4 hours ago, RogueLynx said: I get the vibe of wanting to give unconditionally, but honestly, treating a relationship like a one-way street is a fast track to burnout city. We see this everywhere. There’s the "Unpaid Therapist" dynamic, where you listen to their existential dread for three hours, but when you vent for two minutes, they hit you with a "damn, that's crazy." Or the "One-Sided Texting" olympics, where you send a thoughtful paragraph and get back a thumbs-up emoji three business days later. Matching energy or walking away isn't about keeping score—it’s just basic self-preservation: Save your battery: Emotional energy is expensive, and inflation is real. Stop pouring premium effort into a void that gives you nothing in return. Skip the bitter phase: Giving unconditionally sounds poetic until you wake up three months from now entirely fueled by pure, unadulterated resentment. Set a price tag: If you keep giving away your time and affection for free to someone who treats it like junk mail, they'll never see its value. Pulling back isn't being "transactional." It’s realizing your presence is a premium subscription, and they let their free trial expire. If someone is having a rough time occasionally, ill give them the benefit of the doubt, but if they are continuously minimize or dismiss, I'm going to walk away, because I've experienced the result of being the emotional carrier for both all of the time and frankly it sucks. Life is too short. I need it reciprocated. I think this is where we differ. I am questioning why getting something out of the bucket has to be the reason I put something in. The junkmail analogy works for me. A flyer doesn't need every house to buy something to have value. Sometimes it reminds someone the store exists. Sometimes it reaches exactly the person who needed it. Sometimes it gets thrown away. We don't need to make our affection scarce so somebody recognizes its “premium value”.
an**** Posted September 11 Author 17 hours ago, DrewDMS said: When to cut off??? I live by "treat others in the way you want to be treated." I put in the effort to communicate, and I want the same effort in return. So I tell my partner, "Good morning," "Good night," and "How was your day?" daily. I also text to say I'm thinking about them. Thus, I invest my time in the relationship. I treat my partner with kindness, respect, empathy, sympathy, passion, compassion, etc., to show that I care about them. While we're together, my phone is on silent, and I don't bother to check messages or socials. They're my main focus. The cutoff comes after some time has passed and I've given them more than enough chances to treat me in the same way. It's tiring to have a one-sided relationship. It's tiring to meet their expectations while they're not meeting mine. It's tiring to make sure their needs are met while mine aren't. Thus, I call it a loss and walk away... I'm not a f**king yard dog. Your second reply is gone for some reason, I copied it out because I figured it would be flagged. Heavy stuff. Thank you for sharing. Made me feel the full weight of your head and your heart ❤️ I flat out refuse to believe after the paragraphs you wrote that you believe "So the best time to cut someone off is when someone better comes along." 🤣🤣🤣 You 100% didn't do that at any point. “My love for her never changed, but endured” Sorry about the dog. I had to reread the whole reply a few times, it felt like the dog was an analogy for one of your partners and you had to pull the plug and it was intense. It's been a wild ride for you brother, thank you for sharing.
Be**** Posted September 13 I dont think we should modify or change our body/personality/thinking to suit someone other than ourselves. We should be who we are at our core, and stay true to ourselves. Of course the exception is if we ourselves want to make that change because its what we truly want to do. But thats a slippery slope, trying to decide if its what we want or if we're just doing it to please someone else. That being said, ive allowed myself to make myself smaller, concede on certain topics that I should've set as important boundaries, and given more of myself to someone who didnt deserve the amount given. I think the key is to figure out if that person were to disappear from our lives for whatever reason, if we could still live with ourself after theyre gone. If you're strong enough to to cut away parts of yourself and mold into whatever you think would make them happier, and give every part of yourself to another and still be okay with everything if they just ghosted you, then more power to you. After being hurt, used and ***d for the majority of my life, it took a long time for me to finally tell myself that I matter. That I shouldn't just accept that kind of ***, and be left alone struggling with my emotions created by someone else. And thats where the "cut them off' comes into play for me. No matter how close someone is to me, I will have my boundaries respected or they can cease to exist in my life.
DrewDMS Posted September 14 Friday at 11:35 AM, anotherusername said: Your second reply is gone for some reason, I copied it out because I figured it would be flagged. Heavy stuff. Thank you for sharing. Made me feel the full weight of your head and your heart ❤️ I flat out refuse to believe after the paragraphs you wrote that you believe "So the best time to cut someone off is when someone better comes along." 🤣🤣🤣 You 100% didn't do that at any point. “My love for her never changed, but endured” Sorry about the dog. I had to reread the whole reply a few times, it felt like the dog was an analogy for one of your partners and you had to pull the plug and it was intense. It's been a wild ride for you brother, thank you for sharing. My 3rd wife is the “something better” as compared to my 2nd wife. Cutting someone off and moving on to something better often takes time. We’re built to hold on to what we have even though it’s bad for us. Sometimes, we’re bound by a promise: wedding vows of “in sickness and in health, for better or for worse.” This promise and the I promise I made to her then-dying mother to take care of her bound me,. Sometimes, the act of leaving would cause further undue hardship, such as someone wanting out of a relationship filled with domestic ***, physical and/or emotional, but knowing their partner would find them wherever they went and hurt them further, resulting in serious bodily *** or death. My wife was bound by the same marriage promise and the *** of what her late husband would do if she left. I do agree that once my 3rd wife and I communicated our mutual feelings and the desire to be together, we remained with our then-current spouses. Our promises bound us, and we didn’t want to hurt them by leaving. However, as I said, life had other plans. So cutting them off and moving on to something better was gradual. The dog in the analogy is me. The analogy goes from owner to owner to owner, showing the different ways I was treated. I tried to connect your dog references to mine to establish common ground. You also mentioned a person in a coma. How would I respond if someone tells me to pull the plug? It’s a difficult choice. It’s why I mentioned euthanizing my beloved dog (a side note), because that was something I swore I would never do. You also mentioned lifelessness and a blank stare in terms of a coma. My 2nd wife had that for years. I didn’t realized her life faded until it was too late. To me, it was a sudden shift from 5 years of marital bliss to 5 years of hardship. I felt she wanted me to hold on, but for what? I don’t know. When I finally decided to pull the plug on her and on our marriage for something better, my happiness, it was a surprise to her because she thought that I would always be there. I decided to walk away from a life of solitude. Like a dog that gets out of the yard for what they would be a better life with someone else. Thank you for your understanding and for taking the time to read and reread my writing to understand what I meant fully. I appreciate it.
Mi**** Posted September 15 Break up or divorce when chaos becomes the norm. Women are easily replaced
Mi**** Posted September 16 I see there are 30 comments here, and can only see the last 6! What gives? BTW, totally agree with you Lima7864. Things are left hanging usually for not too good reasons.
di**** Posted September 16 You "cut people off" when you feel deception in what they say, actions,etc. When talking to friends you find yourself speaking of the person your in a relationship with speaking negatively about said partner or 'Talking sh*t" smile to your face stab you in your back. If they talk sh*t about their best friend and then nice to their face Drop the dead weight . Cause what are they saying about you behind your back ...cut them off surgically...
Pe**** Posted September 17 When do you cut off anything else? When its at risk of destroying the heart or core structure. That inner child we read or hear about isnt a voice its a feeling that can be transcribed into thoughts. When it says " I don't wanna be here anymore " or I don't like this person. That voice runs on intuition and despite its childlike nature its one of the oldest most experienced aspect of self.
Tr**** Posted Friday at 12:38 PM Wednesday at 04:11 PM, MistressDevilla said: I see there are 30 comments here, and can only see the last 6! What gives? BTW, totally agree with you Lima7864. Things are left hanging usually for not too good reasons. Click on show previous comments
Or**** Posted Sunday at 01:15 PM September 10, Nomadic_Soul said: An eye for an eye leaves the world blind... however, I think if you are meeting your partners' needs and they aren't meeting yours, it requires a discussion. Ultimately, if your needs are expressed and not being met after addressing it, it's time to move on. That's my humble opinion Agreed. My most recent partner both; loved eye for an eye and would misinterpret many things as hostile when they weren't remotely close. Bad combo. A lot of ego and pride needs to die for a relationship of two imperfect adults to thrive.
No**** Posted Sunday at 08:53 PM I think that ego and pride were truly the catalysts of modern society. They were and are necessary for technology and protection to exist. So, in a nutshell, they are or were necessary for us to even have this conversation, enjoy freedom, and be safe for long enough to think about how it negatively effects. I'm not sure if that makes sense or if I explained my thoughts very well, but ego and pride are necessary, unfortunately. Maybe we can teach the next generation to use it better but necessary it is.
Or**** Posted Monday at 12:02 PM 15 hours ago, Nomadic_Soul said: I think that ego and pride were truly the catalysts of modern society. They were and are necessary for technology and protection to exist. So, in a nutshell, they are or were necessary for us to even have this conversation, enjoy freedom, and be safe for long enough to think about how it negatively effects. I'm not sure if that makes sense or if I explained my thoughts very well, but ego and pride are necessary, unfortunately. Maybe we can teach the next generation to use it better but necessary it is. Yeah, I actually agree with that. I don’t think ego and pride are inherently bad at all. Outside of a relationship, I think they can be necessary. I do martial arts, and sometimes pride and ego are exactly what get you through something hard, make you stand up for yourself, push forward, protect yourself, or accomplish something you probably wouldn’t otherwise. Good points Nomadic. What I mean when I say ego and pride need to die is specifically inside a loving relationship when they start becoming more important than trust, understanding, and communication. We’re human. We’re not robots. We get tired, hungry, stressed, hormonal, distracted, and sometimes we communicate badly. So if your partner says something that hits you wrong, I don’t think the first response should always be protecting your pride or assuming you were intentionally disrespected. If you know this person loves you, cares about you, and has generally shown you good intentions, I think you have to look at that moment in the context of the whole relationship and give them the benefit of the doubt. Respond with curiosity instead of immediately going into defense mode. That’s really the distinction I’m making. Ego and pride can absolutely have a purpose. I just don’t think they should be more important than the person you love.
mi**** Posted Monday at 04:08 PM If I don't see effort I will cut you off. I get what you are saying we are all different we love and give affection differently but I don't think that means you can't have a preference for a certain type of giving it's no different in my mind than someone saying they like a tall man. There are plenty of women who prefer a more stand offish man and there are men who prefer to chase a woman I think we know what we want and if it's not what you want leave there is nothing wrong with someone who wants affection as well as there is nothing wrong with someone who doesn't want someone clingy. I have a standard and if it is not met I move on we are all entitled to a preference
jinxed Posted Monday at 05:55 PM 20 hours ago, Nomadic_Soul said: I think that ego and pride were truly the catalysts of modern society. They were and are necessary for technology and protection to exist. So, in a nutshell, they are or were necessary for us to even have this conversation, enjoy freedom, and be safe for long enough to think about how it negatively effects. I'm not sure if that makes sense or if I explained my thoughts very well, but ego and pride are necessary, unfortunately. Maybe we can teach the next generation to use it better but necessary it is. I don't disagree with you in that ego and pride massively pushed human progress. However, I would add that this was one potential way towards it, and a high-s***d one at that. Another one could have been empathy and benevolence. I believe and know for myself that progress through wanting the best for everyone (and thus including but not mainly myself) can be a very strong motor both in an individual as well as a society. So maybe we could teach the next generation about that.
Ge**** Posted yesterday at 05:32 AM Healthy relationships aren’t transactional, but they do have to be reciprocal. Reciprocity doesn’t mean keeping score or demanding an equal return for every act of affection. It means both people consistently care, give, and show up. If one person does all the giving while the other only takes, that isn’t unconditional love, it’s self abandonment.
sp**** Posted yesterday at 08:40 AM I have recently gone through a break up like this. What I wasn’t aware of was the lies that seemingly the relationship was built on.
an**** Posted 23 hours ago Author 6 hours ago, spudmunkey87 said: I have recently gone through a break up like this. What I wasn’t aware of was the lies that seemingly the relationship was built on. Was it like a whole other person? A whole second reality? Demonic possession perhaps jk 🤔 I experienced this in a relationship and no amount of explanations or rationalizations could really bridge understanding. It is a very curious situation. Once I experienced a glitch between the two realities and the user paused for 2 to 3 seconds stopped talking stopped moving stared absolutely at the wall then walked out of the house and drove around somewhere we lived together at the time. The realities either know about each other or at least can't exist in the same space. But it's different than lying, it's not lying, it's being honest in alternate realities. Is this similar to your situation or was it just normal lying?
an**** Posted 22 hours ago Author 11 hours ago, George9393 said: Healthy relationships aren’t transactional, but they do have to be reciprocal. Reciprocity doesn’t mean keeping score or demanding an equal return for every act of affection. It means both people consistently care, give, and show up. If one person does all the giving while the other only takes, that isn’t unconditional love, it’s self abandonment. This whole comment is alien to me. It is kind of transactional and the love received is timeless. If I'm given 365 days of sex (which is pretty normal for my relationships) and then don't have sex again for the rest of the relationship, was it a sexless relationship? Or was the sex just "paid for in advance," using crude transactional language? Same with affection, care, communication, compassion. At what point do the transactions matter? At what consistency or repetition does reciprocity have to have to matter? I think we're conflating love, reciprocity, boundaries, and the viability of a relationship. If you're with someone for six months or 6 years and they go into a coma, how many days of reciprocity did they need to bank before they became unable to give anything back? Do they get unconditional love because they can't reciprocate? What happens when they're depressed and can't reciprocate? Do they get the same pass? What happens when they weren't over their ex and needed you for six months, but weren't even in the right headspace to understand that's what they were doing? What happens when they are mean and nasty and take it out on you verbally or physically or falsely accuse you of things or break your things or steal from you because they are hurt and scared and acting out? Can you reject the way they treated you, establish boundaries around what you'll accept, and still love and support the person without abandoning yourself? When did we get so uncomplicated? George, I'm not arguing against you. I'm arguing against this broader propaganda I see everywhere that just says run, run, run, why are our choices so often reduced to accepting the relationship exactly as it is or cutting the person off?
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