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- Friends
- LTR (relationship)
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Here to understand and learn.
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Thank you for bringing up this perspective. I read the OP and I agree that living with BPD is a sort of superpower. But since I opened my eyes some years ago to what effects my behaviour can have on others, I'm very aware that this superpower - if completely uncontrolled - comes with some serious Read more… drawbacks for ourselves and the people around you. If one wrong word can make you take out the machete and go ape-shit then the hyper-sensitivity that in other circumstances was such a wonderful gift, suddenly turns into a weapon of mass destruction. No one gets out unharmed, neither the person in front of us, nor we. And once we stop being caught up in our own p@in and realise what our moment of madness might have caused in the other one, it becomes obvious that it's not all that pretty. Thank you for specifying that you refer to "untreated borderline". I for one believe that it must be possible to learn to engage with the chosen one in a healthy and less rollercoastery way. But you are right, the willingness to make that happen through a seriously honest look at yourself needs to develop in the BPD-person. Only that will make us stop to aim straight at the toxic predators that have put up their traps for us and can perhaps even help us learn to embrace it when goodwill is offered instead of dependency.
First of all, I am a bit shocked that what is being discussed a lot here is your personal perception of the men around you and I'm sorry you have to read all of these opinions on you. It is your perception. Full stop. As you said yourself, there are reasons for it being like this. End off. Read more… Similarly to you, I was in a mad urge after divorcing my former best friend instead of lover some years ago. It was a wild-goose chase and like you I kept running into smug men, ice-cold men, dumb men, but yeah, mainly immature men without a lot of intuition. (And to placate the rage-baiters: read the words "I kept running into" again, please.. ). I then went through phases where I simply couldn't be asked to even think about sex. And instead, I found amazing friendships! As in amazing! With both men and women. Most of those male friends are themselves on the "smug <----> immature" scale, but listening to it while not being the woman who is on the receiving end of being lied to, cheated on, treated as a commodity etc. is a nice change. And once we're done with this topic, we have actually brilliant conversations. Once women aren't the focus, men are just ridiculously entertaining, fun to be around. So here come my tips: sing in a rock band (best guys for good jokes and to drink with), find a male friend on a yoga retreat (best guy to talk about personal development), find a friend to smoke with (best let's talk for hours about politics, society, life guy), stay in touch with uni friends (best guys to help out when you need a new car or move)... you get the gist. Simply create a male friend network, so you still have male energy in your life without the shit. If that's what you want. Or go for women circles, let the most beautiful energy develop with other women as you embrace your femininity and create the most inspiring bond you will ever experience! So that's my two cents. Wish you all the best, and f... the haters! https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=LMsBHDoC51c&list=RDAMPLOLAK5uy_lU9H3nLReY49IaePdb_A3-NWXrH6OGGoY
:1747390852,815863,most of that start off by telling me either what they want to do to me (spoiler - giving me an orgasm never features) or what they think so can do for them (spoiler alert - still no orgasm for me)
This made me laugh and laugh and laugh! So very true!!
:1747392277,4703241,Be decent in the face of it all. ... Let’s not become what this world makes people see in each other. Naive? Idealistic? Sure, why not. Better than being part of the problem.
I found this to be very true. Came to online dating relatively late in life and didn't Read more… know the 'superficiality only-rule' that seems to be the norm. So I went all in straight away and if the other person wasn't able to engage in an equal way, conversations stalled and that was that. But when they responded with openness, that's when it developed into some kind of deep connection with very important life lessons, be it through a few months or years spent together. So while I can subscribe to the OP's assessment, it might be possible to simply 'do different to get different'.
@Windwolf Again you're getting right to the heart of it. The 'rookie mistake' as you call it was made on both sides though. Yes, the person in control needs to stay just that - in control. But carelessly giving control to whoever is willing to take it, is an easy but mainly a pretty reckless thing Read more… to do. The texts help me to understand what happened but if they help someone else not make the same mistakes, that would of course be amazing. Whether someone, who is still in such need for intimacy that they take it in whatever form it's offered, will find this text and actually understand it, is - to put it mildly - doubtful.
***
The last minutes - or hours? - are blurred into an impenetrable haze. There's only now. My knees press against a wiry rug, my fingertips are barely touching the ground. The chain has become a noose from which I am dangling. Judging by the stiffness in my joints, I must have been in this position for a while. Instead of the sofa, I now find the patio door to my right, with the darkness outside serving as the accomplice to your deed. As I turn to the left, I see your leg right next to my face. My gaze follows the line of the chain as it ascends towards your shoulder to then descend into your hand. Your eyes are untraceable as you are focused on perpetually striking my most sensitive areas with the nine-tailed whip. But the expression on your face speaks of more than focus. Alarmed, I understand that you are lost in the circular momentum of the whip, in the slapping sound it makes when it hits its soft target, in becoming one with the motion. I want to speak to you, shout at you, but no sound gets past the seal created by the chain compressing my neck, cutting into my larynx from the front and my spine in the back. Physically I am numb, hardly registering the frantic whiplashes, feeling only the slightest pull of gravity on my body. My thoughts, however, are racing around two alternating questions: How do I stop him? Do I stop him? It isn't hard to admit to myself how strong the temptation is.
Still caught in this internal debate, two growing pitch-black rings sneak up on me. When I notice them, they surround my eyes fully and have already swallowed up far too many millimetres on their way towards the pupils. All rational thoughts dissolve. Something within me starts to fight for survival. Lika a bow being drawn, I can feel my life f0rce charging, stretching further and further to then finally shoot out all of its power in one ultimate attempt to stay alive. As the black is about to take the last bit of my sight, I hear myself breathing your name. - You drop the chain. I fall onto my hands. Breathe. Rip the chain from my neck. Crumble. Roll onto my back. Bury my face in my hands and start to sob uncontrollably. Shock mixes with a profound sense of loneliness. I don't only feel all alone, I want to be all alone. So when your arms slide under my back and thighs to lift me up, I want to scream and flail. Out comes nothing but more tears. I feel like throwing up when you carry me to the sofa, sit down with me in your arms, place me in your lap and put my head on your shoulder. I cannot understand that you don't see the absurdity of the situation! I am supposed to find consolation in your deadly embrace! The contempt I feel for you still doesn't have the power to help me free myself and move away from you. A physical and mental overload keeps me immobile. I am stuck.
***
For months, those potential last moments attack me, over and over, making me jump and gasp for air. I try to forgive you, want to move on.
Instead, I'm beginning to see clearly.
Finally.
❞
Have you thought about starting a topic in the forum?
I would think that's one of the first places that new people would go.
❞
You are right. Unfortunately, most new people will think that will never happen to me.
I believe the ones who will pay most attention are the ones who have had an experience that scared them a bit.
It will ring a warning bell and make them think harder and pay closer attention.
Getting a little scared isn't always enough
Sometimes, it takes more. But an experience like you described may prevent someone from experiencing a trauma that could stay with them for a lifetime.
A near death experience isn't something that someone just forgets about.
That's the kind of experience that will still be waking you up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat.
Of the things you've listed, I believe emotional intelligence would be what made me really, deeply and healthily let go with people in the past. In one case there even was a specific moment that became a kind of ritual. Every time I entered his house, I was tense and jumpy as I'm a bit Read more… overchallenged during the first months of meeting someone new. He would let me take off my coat and shoes and then just stand there with open arms and look at me, making me come to him so he could embrace me. We'd stand there for a long time, him holding me tight and me stiff as wooden board hating every second of it, sometimes ten minutes, until something in me switched, I sighed the deepest sigh and snuggled into his embrace.
I'll never forget that he allowed for this to happen every time and this made me completely submit to him.
The secret visits to your manor start soon after our introduction. At night, when I close my eyes, I find myself at the entrance to a candle-lit knight's hall. The end of the metal chain that keeps pulling on my neck is held by a dauntingly beautiful black-haired woman in a simple frock. My bare feet are stiffened by the icy and rough stone tiles and my naked body is shaking as it struggles against the coldness of the room. We are waiting for you to call me forward and to decide whether I'm fit to be your next offering. Suddenly, the walls echo with your roar and with a yank at my neck, I'm set in motion, coming towards you in a rigid stride.
My heart starts to race as soon as I catch sight of you. There you are, in all your shining magnitude! At the far end of the hall, warmed by the blazing fire next to you and the ensnarling hands of one of your concubines, you sit on your throne, your arm around her waist, a greedy smile on your lips as you kiss her bare breasts. With a kick into the back of my legs, I'm f0rced to kneel before you. Sighing complacently, you lean back and focus your attention on me. Your gaze penetrates me, dugs its way deep into my soul, opens it up, sucks it dry and replenishes it with a boundless mesmerisation. You beckon me with an almost unnoticeable hand gesture and I crawl towards you, leaning against the pull of the chain as it strains until it falls onto the floor with a resounding rattle and I am free to move up to the seams of your robe and lay myself at your feet. Smirking you lean forward and I can see in your eyes that you appreciate my presentation. Your fingers wander the length of your robe, halt halfway down to gather the cloth and lift it up just enough to allow me to slip underneath it, then quickly drop it. I'm entrapped, kneeling between your legs in this confined and humid cave. Once my eyes get used to the darkness, I notice your fleshy thighs covered in dark fur-like hair and I rub my face against them to feel their heat and softness. My mouth knows what it's supposed to do but I wait for a sign from you. From outside the cloth, your hand cups my head and moves it vigorously towards your groin. I let you enter my mouth, lick you and play with you, suck you and seduce you, satisfy you and coax you.
Countless nights follow this initiation in which your world of spells and sins becomes my hideout and I willingly let you subdue me with your omnipotence and offer you my absolute subservience. Each new reunion makes me trust you more, feel more precious to you, cherish our physical connection more, fall in love with you more and more. Gradually, I come to understand that something is different with you indeed. For the first time in my life I love who I fe@r of my own free will.
What a fun thread! For me 1000% Goliath from Gargoyles!
Eventually, the ranting stops and I turn my face away from the warmth of the fire towards you to take you in. You were born for combat. You're a beast of a man, not only because of your intimidating strength but mainly because of your inner steeliness. You won't refuse, on the contrary. You've been waiting for this moment since the day you realised that in me you finally found a woman that welcomes and even invites your savagery. With the gin somersaulting in my ***, the request rolls off my tongue with ease.
I want to fight with you. I want to be allowed to hit you, scratch you, knock you down, bite you. I want it to be a fight without any rules. Neither for me nor for you.
The moment you hear my words, your eyes sharpen, your nostrils widen and your lips twitch slightly as you try to suppress a smirk. You pretend having to consider your willingness to spend your evening like this when in truth you are wondering whether the enjoyment it would bring you weighs heavier than the potential risk of injuries to my body or damage to the bond between us. It does. You nod and we begin.
At first, it's a dance. Boisterously I jump up and take two steps towards you. You react by slowly rising from the sofa, unfolding, pushing your chest forward and lifting your chin slightly, forcing me to tilt my head back in order to be able to meet your gaze. This demonstration of your physical superiority is enough to make me abandon my plan of a brazen attack and instead I decide on a more strategic approach. As I prepare to circle you I throw my chin up with a short laugh and let my arms swing along my body. I grin at you to show you my teeth, proving my innocence; I spin around to show you my stomach and my chest, displaying my vulnerability; I cock my head to the side and bite my lower lip, signaling my lustfulness. You can't resist my advances and your eyes soften as you offer me a smile - the exact reaction I have been waiting for. My right fist flies forward, lands on the side of your ribcage, while the left fist starts hammering onto your chest. The surprise that has you in its grip assists me in my evasive moves and several times your hand seizes nothing but air as you try to catch me, my agility being my greatest, if only advantage. My confidence is growing and has soon become cockiness. I slither behind you and jump at your back, loop my arm around your neck and squeeze. My body starts to shake from exertion as I mobilise all the strength it can provide. In vain. Effortlessly, you grab my forearm, lift it off your neck and pull it forward, making me fly, eventually placing me right in front of you. I'm furious. Of course, I was aware that my chances are slim in this trial of strength. But there is no need to make it this obvious.
I huff and walk away from you towards my glass, take the last sip and refill it straight away. If my attacks are to have any effect on you, I need to summon mania. So I drink. Then put down the glass. Turn around. Lower my head. Stare at you. Take a deep breath in - and run. My scalp leads the way as I race through the room, your belly my bull's eye. With an ear-shattering scream I ram into you, full f0rce. You don't budge, not even the tiniest bit. To you, this collision felt like a raindrop bursting on your skin and this realisation makes me loathe you!
Yet, you finally join the game. Your hand is suddenly gripping my shoulder, your teeth are sinking into my neck, you push me down to the floor, now trying to get on top of me, not counting on my flexibility that allows me to wriggle out from underneath you, wire myself around you and slip through your fingers time and again, until you've had enough and brutally grab the first body part you can get a hold of, pin it down and jam my body into your embrace. While you are detaining me with one arm, your other hand ignores my vocal and physical objection and pulls down everything that stands between your fingers and my pussy. You grab her hard. This is not about getting me excited, this is about showing me my place. For hours, I keep striking out at you, you keep wrestling me down, immobilising me, groping me, pinching me, crushing me, fucking me, ridiculing my every attempt.
And then I give up.
Despite the adrenaline dampening my p@in receptors, every centimeter of my body is hurting as we toast to the last round for tonight. The room smells of exhaustion and bodily fluids. Our muscles are tired, our minds are dazed but our brains are still overstimulated and just won't wind down, constantly replaying the most brutish moments. You biting into the inside of my foot making me shriek in agony, me taking a huge sip of my drink and spitting it in your face, you asking me to let you demonstrate what a punch of yours at 10% feels like, me tumbling and collapsing as your fist hits the centre of my chest like a battering ram, you ch0keholding me until my tears show you that you need to let go, me rolling on to my back with my legs spread wide allowing you to do whatever you want with me.
We spend the last minutes of this night desperately fucking on your bed, burning off the last bouts of energy, finding our way back to each other. Finally, we surrender and roll onto our backs. My eyes find yours. This time both our smiles are genuine.
Thank you for sharing your skill/talent with us. You are truly appreciated. Once again your words,m - which release your inner most desires, passions and fantasies - entertain others due to your ability to produce such vivid and colorful images within our own minds. You have a way to communicate imagery, emotion and mental struggle in ways that others appreciate, understand, and honestly need.
Thank you for sharing your skill/talent with us. You are truly appreciated.
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