Of course I agree, a partner cannot be your therapist, they're not trained to do it nor is it likely workable to be a therapist within a dynamic. The work needs to be done by the person with the trauma. But by now I believe that the only way to relearn relationship patterns is by engaging in Read more… relationships. I used to think, I could just learn to be different and then find a partner and everything would be hunky dory. That didn't work. What worked was meeting the most gentle and caring soul I had ever met who I felt secure enough with to actually start to open up.
After some reflection on all the thought-provoking comments in this thread, I have come to the conclusion that it would take finding an empathetic partner who I can establish a very deep connection with that allows for a new and more wholesome way of ***. Does that make him an indirect therapist? I'd say he would rather get to join the playground where an actual therapy could take effect.

So many points in your post made me nod in agreement. Had I read this in the beginning of my journey, and had I actually listened to it despite the frenzy that tends to come with the first months of discovering that there is a world where you can live out your fantasies, I would have been spared Read more… some rather tricky experiences.
However... I'm (ashamedly) extremely grateful for having made those experiences. They made me learn so much and I'm not sure, I personally could have learned them through theoretical discussions.

Still, that doesn't make your ideas not as incredibly valid as they are and most likely some people are a more sensible than I am and might learn without burning their fingers first by taking this to heart! Great piece!

When I was a ***ager and discovered some books in my father's library. "The joy of Sex" bored me after a few minutes, but there was an anthology of ***tings about sex throughout the centuries. The ones that got me were of dukes whipping naked women stacked on top of each other or a police officer Read more… penetrating a busty blonde woman with his baton. These pictures were the foundation of my sexual fantasies.
If you're interested in the history of sexual depictions: the sex museum in Amsterdam has a lot of those exact pictures on display. I couldn't believe it when I saw them there! It was like a trip into my ***age years. Just got to find them in between the less complex and much less historically relevant porn photographs and 'statues'.

:1783940113,2291080,I think it’s worth separating where a desire came from from what it has become.
This sparked something. I've accepted that I want a Daddy figure based on past experiences. But as you say, not to relive the way it used to be, but to live it out in a positive way. Read more… Which was only possible through getting to know a person who made this concept possible for the first time. It also took accepting that what happened has created certain connections in my brain that would be so so hard if not impossible to rewire.
Yet, when it comes to ***, I'm measuring in a different way what's acceptable and what not. And that might in fact be down to the men I was humiliated by or rather the way in which I was humiliated. Because warmth was not a part of it, that's for sure.
My, you guys make me think! Thank all of you so much for responding!!

:1783910108,6400757,To your actual question yes, there's a way to live it out without it costing you. It's called doing it with someone who treats the aftercare as seriously as the scene. *** without genuine warmth underneath it is just cruelty. With it, it's play. The fact that you tried to Read more… shut this part of yourself off to please a man you never even met tells me the problem hasn't been the kink. It's been the partners.
See, I can't yet bring those two together: sadism and warmth. And I don't believe this is down to the actual partners I've had. I twice was in dynamics with sadists who fulfilled my every (humili@tion) dream but at the same time they felt cold as ice to me. They most likely are not that. But my perception seems to be stuck in: If he humiliates me, he must be cruel and nothing else.
I don't want to blame any past partner for anything. It was me who didn't have boundaries and still doesn't know how to navigate my kinks. The aftercare situation, yes okay, that could have been done better for sure in both cases. And this is most likely what made those interactions feel retraumatising. But again, I could have asked for it.
Thank you for your comment! It really makes me think.

Given that this is a kink site, it seems very strange that this word is on the censored list..

As always, I can only speak from personal experience. For me, it takes a certain type of sadist to instil *** in me. The one who did was steely, actually both physically as well as emotionally, or at least that's how I perceived him. He could be very serious and also he was matter of factish and Read more… possibly most importantly, he didn't budge. And I try to make men budge a lot. So taking him serious was the foundation I needed to *** him.
When he gave a command, there was no question, I obeyed. Partially because of ***. And then there were those moments that made my *** run cold. Just to then turn into excitement and then into lust. But it always had to do with knowing that he might punish me in a very serious way. Sorry for not being able to explain it better.

But there is a 'too far'. For me it was when my physical health seemed in danger. For example, whether rightfully or not, I am very unsure about electro play. Twice, men wanted to try it on me and both times I panicked so much that there wasn't a milligram of lust left inside of me. At first, they thought it was ***, but that was pure and utter panic and this is in my opinion the frontier.

:1783528334,5963769,It’s a mess. I’m gonna bail on all online dating. That’s the strong intention anyway. Specifically I think it’s a rip off when about 3 messages in all of a sudden FET decides they need to have their profile veeified. I’m told I’m a good looking OG, house, all of it and Read more… nothing. Back out in to the wild I go!
And that makes two of us! The wilderness is calling!

I still believe that it is absolutely possible to meet a brilliant match on here. However, there are so many hurdles that need to be overcome: building basic trust via some messages before you exchange numbers - getting to know the actual other person vs. the idea you've created in your head - finding potential and realistic solutions in case of geographical distance - and then the real big one: consistency in putting in the effort.. I got to stage five just to be utterly disappointed. Even without mean intentions from one person, for me personally these obstacles simply seem unsurmountable.
Being a hetero sub, finding someone in the vanilla world is not a problem, so far I got almost every man I met to change his tune. But I can fully see how difficult the "real" world would be to others on here. Maybe it is a question of looking more locally and trying to meet up asap to weed out the scammers and to get actual 'results'.
Btw. don't you guys have joyclub? Is that something German? Many kinky people have told me they met their matches on there.

:1783799392,7393237,I should never posted anything if people are going to be yelling out here. I must have opened some wounds and that was not my intention. I wanted honest opinions and help coping with it. There have been very positive results and thank you all for that.
I for one Read more… am soo grateful that you did post it! It was the first post I read when I came back to the app after my hiatus and knowing that I'm not the only one who had invested so much in an online connection was madly reassuring! So THANK YOU (I'm attempting to shout something positive to drown out the negative shouts.. ). And I will say, what came up time and time again was: Friends, real and true connections, are what can have a wonderfully healing effect. You will be okay!

:1783743273,7393237,My questions are....does the hurt and emptiness go away? The feeling of being lost? Would you ever give 100% ever again knowing you will get hurt again?
It will! 100%! I experienced a similar situation (albeit not over three years as in your case) just recently Read more… and after giving up on a connection that couldn't grow due to the same reasons as with you, I was worried that I might remain caught up in the entanglement. And then I simply detoxed! I stayed away from this app, asked him to put me on "ignore" did the same with him, to really close it once and for all and after 5 days I was free. Now after two weeks my life is fuller than in a long time because instead of waiting for a message from him, I'm meeting friends, swim in beautiful lakes, sing on stage, go to brilliant restaurants with friends, and, and, and! Life is faaaar too short to not enjoy the hell out of it because of one loss.
For me it was helpful to understand that the connection (given that it was only online as well) was simply a kind of @diciton to dopamine kicks from receiving messages or hearing something nice about myself, made more extreme through the phases of no contact in between those moments. Check out how your brain reacts to 'likes' on any given app and then you've got your answer: going cold turkey might not be for everyone, but I will say: I'm happier and more open to meeting someone new in some months from now than I have been in a long time! But for now: Ain't no feeling like being free! All the best to you!

Another aspect to add which might contribute to this situation for at least some subs who limit their submission to the sexual realm is that many of us live in cultural circumstances in which women have been taught that being independent and strong is highly desirable and in which these attributes Read more… have continuously been proven to be extremely liberating for them. So while there might be a deep desire to submit to a man completely, there is an economical and societal reality which this urge needs to be fitted into. I'm not part of the generation referred to in the OP, but I struggle with this exact dilemma a lot.

:1782336037,7227881,The space becomes a kind of shared garden.

Both people contribute to it.
Neither person owns it.
And if one person stops tending it, the garden doesn't die because somebody failed as a human being.
It simply means the conditions required for that particular garden no Read more… longer exist.

What I find most liberating is that it removes the burden of trying to control another person.
This is so beautifully put! And yes, it would be incredibly liberating, wouldn't it? And motivating! If both partners could share this outlook, then showing up for the relationship in the ways 'needed' wouldn't be for the other one, but for this third entity of whose wellbeing both partners benefit. It is a thorough and comforting way to look at any kind of loving connection.

:1782305912,7265081,
sad to say but none of us are all that rare or unique or unicorns, if one person had a trait someone else has that trait, a bucket load of someones have that trait. What I find is capacity for the 'hunt' is what tends to limit us.

There might be many people Read more… with similar traits, similar looks, similar ways to live life, similar ways to process things. But there are few out there that have that specific frequency that makes my heart vibrate. And I'd claim that this is true for everyone. Again, I've had great connections with men, I sometimes even thought I was in love. But apart from one, those were infatuations with traits, looks, all the superficial stuff. If you look at the core (some call it aura, some call it soul) of the beings around you, then you'll find that not one is identical with another one. For two decades I was a traveler and in that time have met hundreds of people from all walks of life, countries and cultures. This is the second one who brings a joy that is the most invigorating and calming and seducing and all-encompassing.

Apologies for this public display of affection. As I said, I'm trying to come out of the obsession but it's close to impossible.