@anotherusername First of all, thank you for making me laugh!
Unfortunately, most of the answers to your questions are a bit too personal for a thread, so I can only answer the last one: For some years now only playfully.
Your words made me think and of course you are right, communicating Read more… important needs is simply necessary. I'm understanding this slowly. If one can learn to voice them in a reasonable and preventative manner instead of during an outburst, it might even feel freeing to do it. But the first step seems to be accepting the necessity of stating what helps to build trust, and your post offers many convincing arguments, so thank you.

Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts!
When I read them, I felt so much hope! I mean, it takes a lot of mutual understanding to make any deeper connection work, regardless of the type of person you are, right? Sometimes because of stuff in our brains, sometimes because of outside Read more… circumstances. For example, if someone has a young child, then the other one will need to make allowances for that too and actually that would be a need that cannot as you so perfectly said it be shrunk at all. So everyone will have a need that is fundamental and solutions need to be found to still make it work.
Thank you. Your words felt like honey!

@SerendipitousKeeper I fully agree with you, the other person matters and that is what shocks me the most, in this case the other person was continuously understanding, patient, open, responsive and the safest place I have ever known. This is what I mean, this need seems to be so ridiculously Read more… fundamental that it overrides everything.
But let's not get started on boundaries though.. I'm working on basic interaction skills at the moment, still in the baby-steps stage I'm afraid.
Thanks for your message, no rambling detected and I very much appreciated your words!

:1779530754,7400235,
1) Let them go first. Get them to express their needs and their boundaries. We all have them. I think a person would be a lot more receptive to talking about your needs if you had just fully explored theirs.

3) Give and take conversations. Where you each take a Read more… particular boundary and discuss it.

Especially these points speak to me so much, because this was exactly my problem! The "Here are my needs, deal with them". It felt so wrong because it seemed to ignore the needs of the other person.
Honestly, thank you.

:1779530754,7400235,
Yes, I think there is in terms of assertiveness.

1) Let them go first. Get them to express their needs and their boundaries. We all have them. I think a person would be a lot more receptive to talking about your needs if you had just fully explored theirs.

2) Go Read more… gradually. I’m just at the very beginning of another new relationship (Whoo hoo). I’m going at their pace, letting them move things along at a level they are comfortable with.

3) Give and take conversations. Where you each take a particular boundary and discuss it.

4) Homework. This was my introduction to BDSM with the woman who is now my longest running relationship in our polycule. She gave me a homework sheet to fill in which had EVERYTHING on it. This works for her as she’s very autistic. After I had filled out my homework she and discussed it she showed me hers. As she’s an abusive survivor her sheet is littered with things we cannot do, and I know exactly why. Very clear, useful communication.

6) Pick the best moment to discuss. You’ll know in your gut.

Hope some of that helps.
Oh my God. Thank you! Seriously! This is simply astonishingly good advice!! I will reread this several times!
And what I love most about it is that your longest running connection was so clear about her needs. So she has accepted this about herself and found an amazing way to bring it up. This is brilliant. What a lucky person you are to have met such a clever and proactive woman!

And congratulations to having started a new relationship!

:1779530021,6476956,i feel you cos i have this.. so much so that i became an hikkikomori and avoided sex and relationships altogether.

so, kudos to you for not doing the same but actually wanting to get better.

i know the feeling of ruining something promising.. it hurts a lot.
especially Read more… if you really didnt mean it!!
I've had this plan many times, of avoiding any deeper connection. And it worked for a while, I only focused on sex and then it wasn't a big deal when something broke off because of inconsistency etc. And a massive part of me is thinking about going back to that state of being, but after what I experienced the last months.. not possible. Did I mean it? In that moment 100% because my head was about to explode from trying to not react while reacting full throttle. So again, there needs to be a way to preempt this.

:1779527614,7400235,Is there a time you can remember you didnt feel like this or has it always been there as part of your upbringing?
I'm not sure to be honest. But I don't think this is a problem that affects only me. So perhaps I should rephrase my question. Is there a way to Read more… communicate such fundamental needs, no matter what they are exactly, that isn't demanding or ultimatum-like?

:1779526254,6476956,
but if you dont know what causes the problem in the first place, how to find a solution?
Very good point. And I do know the root cause. In many areas of my life I have found solutions, ways to regulate and react more sensibly. This particular topic however Read more… (knowing exactly what to expect) is one that is fundamental for me in building trust. I'm afraid there's no way for this need to go away. I'm just not sure how to communicate it.

Thanks for your ideas. While it is always helpful to know what causes behaviour, I'm more looking for actionable solutions. So perhaps any suggestions?

Every part of me he has cum on or in feels like it's been marked as his. As if to make others see or sense that I belong to him.

:1769703364,3068505,Categories like these can become shortcuts we take instead of doing the work. I have a romantic notion that each person I dominate is like a different musical instrument that I need to learn. Different buttons to push, different places to blow, different ways to bend and Read more… stroke — as it were. The communication we so value in WIITWD helps a lot with learning how to play effectively!
This is a beautiful way of putting it! Staying with this picture it becomes obvious that the musician also changes with each instrument.
So while some people might be for whatever reason (be that trauma, preference, the need for simplification, ... ) limited to a certain way of interaction, I believe and have experienced that there is the possibility to be a shapeshifter, both as a Dom and a sub. A new person can bring out completely new behaviours, desires and abilities! In such cases, it all depends on the energies both are bringing that can create a unique interplay. Which is perhaps even necessary if you are a being that keeps developing and growing. Personally, I wouldn't want to have it any other way!