Merry-go-round

[jinxed]

It always starts with my sweet and loveable innocence's innermost wish: To perhaps not be alone for a while. To hope for a companion is too wild an idea, but just someone next to me for a little while. 

And I try to accommodate these wishes. All possible options are presented. There's family visits, time spent with friends, ***s and nature, not to forget there's I. But after many wonderful moments, surrounded by people who share showers of love, all that's left is a yearning for more, a much much more intense, rock hard, all encompassing connection. The true one. The one with a man who falls for this bundle of excessiveness, p@in and innocence long enough to feed my heart, before his initial excitement gives way to exhaustion. 

So the search begins. By now I know the worst places and it's more for nostalgia's sake that I flyingly revisit them. Instead, I have learned that all I really need to do is open my eyes wide! There he'll be, in a song, in a group of friends, in zeros and ones. Sometimes with, sometimes without his involvement, our adventures start! My mind lets me feel his hand caressing me, torturing me, wanting me, despising me. Our first meeting made uneasy by my timidity plays out, followed by his gentle approaches amplified by his patience and adoration. Finally comes the moment he draws me in, kisses me and fucks me. From now on, each time I lay down in bed, this little storyline will run its course, in countless variations yet never steering too far from the script. 

Innocence quietened this way, excessiveness will set in. Someone has to deal with the knowledge that it will end, surely. Which is true. The countdown started the moment I saw him. Each of my decisions is based on this understanding. Addiction turns out to be a wonderful little helper by inciting while numbing at the same time. Any addiction will do the job, it doesn't matter which one, but they work best as a determinedly nihilistic collective, their only goal to create moments that are even more magnificent, sparkling, weightless than the last one. Injuries, depleted come-downs, sleep deprivation, depression, nothing but collateral damage. And only present until the next hit has been secured. 

The weeks pass. Exhaustion grows. So does the realisation that this is insanity. Yet again. Then arrives today. When there's nothing left to yearn for because once again I got my head around the fact that there is no one and there never will be. Because I won't let that happen. 

Only now that I'm deprived of all strength to block it out, can p@in appear. Just for a few days. Just long enough to speak my truth. Until sadness turns into innocence. 

 

Edited Sunday at 05:04 PM by jinxed

[wo****]

The beauty and insight held within your words create such a tension between those words and the way you present yourself within them.
I personally doubt that the perception of those around you matches with your own - it rarely does for any of us. Self awareness be damned - even the most self awareness can sometimes be even more critical than others.
I have read so many things written by you and others and regardless of the subject or thoughts expressed - they are done with care, intelligence, creativity and beauty.
As always, thank you for the vulnerability it takes to share this expression of self and for the reflection it causes so many of us to make into our own thoughts and perspectives.