The Conflict

[Cr****]

Curious to know if this is an issue others have struggled with; I have a very ravenous sexual appetite, I desire often, and intensely, but there is something that holds me back.. A feeling that sabotages many an opportunity.. I feel that oftentimes I wont perform well enough to satisfy, snd end up being an embarrassment to the other party. My close friends and former partners have also told me I tend to be "too considerate" or "way too polite". It's a frustrating mix of wanting everything, but simultaneously keeping myself locked up. Any constructive wisdom is welcome. Just wanted to shout into the void a little.

[Da****]

Can relate heavily!!

Will stick around for other answers

[Do****]

I feel very much the same. Been trying to break through that wall for a while now

[Ba****]

🙈 are you serious? You want to take control but afraid of not being good enough?)

[sh****]

So, as with so many things, this is a matter of talking to your partner, covering what they like, what they want out of intimacy or a scene, and being upfront about your needs as well. Remember two important things, 1, sex is like 80% mental and 20% physical, a partner can move in all the right ways but if you aren't connecting on the mental or emotional level it just doesn't get there.

2, sex is something you and your partner are doing together, not something you are doing to them or for them, but something fun, relaxing, and rewarding for you both. You're a team with a shared goal, not performing for your partner. Like all teams, you work to find your strengths and weaknesses and how to work together with both.

I'll say as a woman, I've had plenty of disappointing partners, but not because they didn't "perform" adequately, but because they didn't care about my experience or helping me finish. I've have partners struggle to "perform" but took the time and care to still make it a positive experience for us both and that's what I remember. We had a good time and got there together, even if it wasn't conventionally.

[Ve****]

Communication is key, talk with your partner, I have knowledge and experience with your particular type of anxiety. I have found that open communication, and a lot of enthusiasm from both participants makes a big difference and I have found that the longer the fore play time the less they are concerned with the main event.. and for me the more fore play and the more enthusiastic my partner is the better I perform.. them being loud and actively engaging with me, also changing positions often helps to allow stimulation to slow down a little and that also allows for a longer play time.. be experimental, get a Kamasutra book and use it.. get one of the spicy board games or dice game.. a lot of them give time limits to each act and this allows to help extend the intimate encounter. And remember communication... Check in with the partner have them encourage you to get rougher if that is what they want or feel they have more to give you.. all of this strengthens the bond and trust between you and your partner...

[Eu****]

Sounds like you are hitting a personal limitation, or a perspective that you are very loyal to. There is always a gap between who we can be unrestricted and free and who we are at a given moment.

I can't tell you how to reach that cause everyone's path of discovery is different and have another map and set of triggers.

I would start to build that kind of awareness first , and let the revealing be at each step, rather then make a plan and follow it blindly just because that destination holds the promise for a different experience. Hope this helps

[Ed****]

Sounds like you’re acting like a pet. Like a puppy dog. Excited to please, but really have no clue how to do that. But the food taste good when you do…..

But see, that is where your problem is. You have desire, but no applicable way to satiate that desire.

And so it’s self sabotaging.

Like a puppy knows that it has to sit to get a treat, but after the first time getting a treat, it can’t concentrate anymore and never sits again. It’s just too overwhelming.

Have you had good experiences? Where your partner has said wow, or damn, or just sighed satisfactorily?

Has that happened? If it did, explore the situation in which that was allowed to happen.

Then focus on that. You know whatever sequence of events that caused the positive reaction of your partner.

That is your starting point moving on.

So. Maybe you had two drinks instead of six that night so you didn’t get too drunk. And the age and height and shape and size of your partner was just perfect that night. And they were responsive to you.

Remember all of that experience and try to replicate it. With the same type of partner body shape and attitude and look.

Make a decision on what type of partner you want to pursue.

And then just concentrate on those targets. Forget the rest. And then go from there.

You know you can please with the right set of circumstances, well try to replicate that, instead of starting over each time with whoever will respond to your proposals.

This also works with kinks. You just can’t be kinky and open to everything because you will never get to the true kink level of being an expert at whatever you are kinky about.

If you have to start over each time with a new kink you can never do that get to the higher level experiences of pushing the limits.

Well partners are the same. If you are with a really tall person then a really short person then a really skinny person then a heavier person you never really figure out how to please anyone but yourself.

Because they are such different experiences.

That is what I see your problem is. Your lack focus.

[Re****]

you need a steady partner a while. a fwb ideally.

[pleasuredomnewbie]

When I was young I maybe had a similar perspective. The reason I think is because people with less life experience tend to only have things like Hollywood to latch onto in order to understand what intimacy is. And too often it is portrayed as a thing that is the man's responsibility to make sure the woman is pleaured. I don't think that's the reality.

Real connection happens when both or all people are bringing an individual responsibility for their own pleasure to the encounter. If the other person is just waiting for you to "make them feel good" they've lost the plot imo.

[an****]

Seek a mentor, have them walk you through a scene in theory and in practice. Everyone needs a mentor in each aspect of their life.

Anyone, please describe the situation, examples, details, anyone going through this. Help is going to be super generic and general if we can't understand what is happening.

For a general answer. I would say you probably have your answer already or where to focus.

Whatever is your failure point needs practice or help.

If you don't know what to do, do research, practice, dry run, etc.

Grain of salt: "Too considerate" or "way too polite" doesn't make full sense. That needs to be stripped down. Asking for consent to do something is different than not asking to do something at all. Asking for consent 15 times during one activity (say feather play) may be too much while during a different activity (say stretching) could be too little.