Are we putting too much weight on labels?

[Ki****]

I've been thinking about how much weight we put on labels like "Dom" and "Sub". Sometimes it feels like they're treated like a cheat code, as though the label itself does all the heavy lifting. But surely there's more to building a dynamic than deciding what to call yourself. You still have to earn the dynamic, build trust and bring something to the table. At what point does identifying with a role become more important than building it? Beyond the labels, we're people first. The role is earned.

For me personally, I need a lot of mental stimulation. I find a lot of things and people boring, and passivity doesn't do much for me, even with subs. I enjoy some brattiness, attitude, personality and character. I appreciate someone who brings a bit of edge and tries to make things interesting. That kind of dynamic takes effort, imagination and a willingness to engage. Isn't the chemistry between two people, and how they play off each other, what makes a dynamic interesting in the first place?

I've also never felt the need to confine myself to one little corner called "Dom". If I've connected with someone and have the opportunity to explore, why would I limit myself to a predefined role? In my vanilla life, I'm pretty bullish and used to being in control, but the idea of giving that up for someone who knows what they're doing is sexy. I won't live and die by a label. Surely there's room to discover things about yourself that don't fit neatly into the label you've started with?

I'm curious how others feel about this. Do you think people sometimes mistake identifying as a Dom or a Sub for having already earned the title? And earned the other person's submission or dominance?

[sh****]

Well said!!!

[ki****]

I agree we put too much stock in titles and many people expect to be treated a certain way because of what they call themselves. People shouldn't put so much stock in the title or role and instantly allow it to define the dynamic. I think that using the title is simply a way of telling the world that this is the role you are most co.fortable being in.

That's being said, you must earn the title with those you play with and the world you want to be in. No one gets the title of CEO without earning it. And this you must as well.

[da****]

In my opinion, I feel like it should be more of a preference overall. Earning that role in a relationship can only come with time. If someone assumes they're the dominant from the start and immediately acts like that means the other person owes them submission, that's a red flag. I can say I prefer to be submissive but no one is owed my submission unless that initial bond is there.

[Ki****]

I should add: my point wasn't a competition to see who's the best Dom/Sub. That's not what I mean by earning the title. All I mean by earning the title is earning that trust and dynamic with someone. You can be the worst Dom/Sub on the planet and still have a blast together 😎

[Ca****]

Labels like anything else we identify ourselves with can and should always be changing. It's part of growing as a person. If you find someone you connect with and something feels right to do so then it is. I look at the labels as just a general idea of who someone is. My style of being a Pleasure/ Daddy Dom may be different than another's and both are perfectly valid.

[Ba****]

First the blueprint - then the building

[Ma****]

I agree with the title part, I have a very dominant personality, but I’m not a Dom unless someone trusts me enough to choose to submit to me. I’ve seen to many people in the past assume that because they are dominant all submissives should immediately recognize it and do what he/she says to. Usually with someone like me stepping in.

[co****]

IMHO there are too many labels. It starts to get confusing for laypeople AND for those who don’t really fit the label or feel it doesnt represent their particular dynamic

[ac****]

Nature and life require flexibility. Impermanence pervades.

[Se****]

Titles such as "Dominant " and "submissive" aren't just titles or roles you play in a dynamic, they are the roles you take on within the lifestyle itself. If your role is as a Dominant then you are as such, with or without a submissive or a dynamic. For instance, I am a Daddy Dom, my role is to guide, to teach, to nuture and to protect, this extends not only to those I'm in a dynamic with, but all those I care for, friends and acquaintances who trust me to do so. I even extend this to a degree people who are new to the lifestyle, offering to teach them what I know and guide to places they can learn what I'm not familiar with. My role doesn't begin or end at a title or a dynamic, but rather it's who I am and how I choose to serve the BDSM community.

[Deleted Member]

9 minutes ago, Seductive_Poetry said:

Titles such as "Dominant " and "submissive" aren't just titles or roles you play in a dynamic, they are the roles you take on within the lifestyle itself. If your role is as a Dominant then you are as such, with or without a submissive or a dynamic. For instance, I am a Daddy Dom, my role is to guide, to teach, to nuture and to protect, this extends not only to those I'm in a dynamic with, but all those I care for, friends and acquaintances who trust me to do so. I even extend this to a degree people who are new to the lifestyle, offering to teach them what I know and guide to places they can learn what I'm not familiar with. My role doesn't begin or end at a title or a dynamic, but rather it's who I am and how I choose to serve the BDSM community.

Very well said ❤️

[ja****]

I definitely think that people will use labels in your profile against you if they don't like your picture like on FetLife I had a title and a person so I thought you said you were X Y and Z that doesn't sound like x y and z. It's like okay also. I feel like and I know stepping on some toes here a 20 year old girl calling herself a mistress is kind of funny

[ja****]

2 minutes ago, FiestyLittleOne25 said:

Very well said ❤️

Well the problem is that a lot of people like the sounds of something like how many women call themselves submissive brat and they're anything but submissive they just like the idea

[Ki****]

☝️they may be into being submissive, but that doesn't mean they owe it to you

[Daddybrains]

Scenario 1: You’ve done the work, you know what you want, the label says enough about that to scare away folks who would never be compatible, you’ll work the rest out in person.

Scenario 2: You’ve learned that using a certain label and acting a certain way gets you what you want, and lets you pin any failures on someone else, with low risk and low investment.

The person on the other side of the slash can’t always tell which scenario they’re walking into. Labels are useful shortcuts but they’re not the work.

[ey****]

A lot of labels are used as catch-alls

And I'm not saying that's either good or bad. Just what it is.  And then folk decide to pick holes in labels others have chosen to use. That often IS bad.  

[Ki****]

53 minutes ago, jaxnorth said:

Well the problem is that a lot of people like the sounds of something like how many women call themselves submissive brat and they're anything but submissive they just like the idea

They may want to explore being a sub, that doesn't mean they owe it to you.

When a brat acts *checks notes*... bratty:
"Whaaatttttt? 😮"

[ri****]

I think there may be a lot of confusion between the label and the role.

To me, labels are shorthand for sharing complex concepts. A person who identifies as a dom, or dominant, is conveying their predilection for taking the dominant role, the same for subs/submissives, while a person labelling themselves a switch is sharing their predilection for taking on both roles at various times.

The fact that I label myself as a dom doesn’t make me anyone else’s Dominant, that’s a decision both that individual and myself have to make, them consenting to relinquish that power to me, and my acceptance of that power. It doesn’t work unless all involved parties agree.

Trying to say, “I’m the domiest dom” just doesn’t compute for me, it’s the same as saying “that’s the chocolateliest chocolate ice cream!” That it is chocolate ice cream is undeniable, but may not be my favorite, or even preferred, brand or style.

You don’t have to earn the preference to be dom/sub, or to use the label, but the requirements to inhabit the role of a dom/sub is determined mutually by the parties involved, and you may have to work your ass off, and earn, receiving that role.

[ri****]

1 hour ago, coupleforfun518 said:

IMHO there are too many labels. It starts to get confusing for laypeople AND for those who don’t really fit the label or feel it doesnt represent their particular dynamic

And that’s exactly why there are so many labels, because this one fits mostly, but not well enough, so I’ll create a new one that fits my case exactly! 😉

[Th****]

1 hour ago, jaxnorth said:

 

Well the problem is that a lot of people like the sounds of something like how many women call themselves submissive brat and they're anything but submissive they just like the idea

Just because someone is a submissive in a D/s context doesn't mean they have a submissive personality or they owe any deference to some random dude. 

[Ta****]

I feel like labels don't matter as long as you connect with the person or people your doing it with that's what matters more then labels

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, jaxnorth said:

Well the problem is that a lot of people like the sounds of something like how many women call themselves submissive brat and they're anything but submissive they just like the idea

I am 100 percent a Submissive Brat butttttt ONLY to my Dom whom I have yet to find. NO ONE has the right to stake claim just because someone identifies as a Submissive

[Re****]

People these days seem to need to label everything. Sexuality, mental health, political leanings... It's an obsession with classification, like that of the biologist trying to map the *** kingdom...

[ja****]

19 minutes ago, FiestyLittleOne25 said:

I am 100 percent a Submissive Brat butttttt ONLY to my Dom whom I have yet to find. NO ONE has the right to stake claim just because someone identifies as a Submissive

Didn't say stake a claim.