Are we putting too much weight on labels?

[Ma****]

Yea, probably wants to be, unless she grew up in an openly BDSM family.

[Deleted Member]

8 minutes ago, jaxnorth said:

Didn't say stake a claim.

Someone is not randomly going to be Submissive for you unless they Submit to you 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

[ra****]

Just my two cents, but come with too many unspoken expectations and too often people use them as an excuse to avoid having ongoing conversations about how dynamics evolve and change over time.

[N7****]

Too much overthinking if you ask me. It’s best to just read vibes and go accordingly. Never be afraid to just ask. 😊

[Th****]

I feel the same way. I prefer being the more dominant personality in the relationship, casual or not, however it can easily be flipped for me if I still feel like I am the one in control of bringing the pleasure to the interactions we are having.

I am a strong advocate for communication before anything even starts, really connecting on the nuances of what gets the barriers down and what sexual engagement looks like for both of us. I think the "dom" personality, at least for me, is the responsibility that I guide the direction of play from beginning to end with the FULL knowledge that every action is exactly what we both want.

It could range from the slow inquisitive and curious steps of dipping your toes into new water, all the way to very specific handling, dirty talk and dynamic practicing. I want to be the one creating a space where the "sub" melts their worries and apprehensions away and allows everything to happen with a level of understanding that it's all safe, no judgement and with deep trust.

I think trying to put a label onto all this does a disservice to the range and breadth of what I have to offer someone, but ultimately when we are shortcutting meeting new people, that has to involve labels and shortcuts in their own right

[Ka****]

I think you have to use labels as a guideline. They are helpful in so much that if you are only seeking a submissive (any form) or a dominant person you wouldn’t want to have to scroll through a bunch of people that will not satisfy your needs. For me, i only like fully dominant men when seeking a partner. If a man is submissive or Switch then they will not be able fulfill a need in me no matter how great a person they are. I’ve tried in the past just being with a non declared guy. But most (not all) times there was too much swapping roles.. I am not a 50/50 equality girl. In or out of the bedroom. I need a fully dominant man. So a label is important to me. But he doesn’t have to call himself Sir or Master. My Master was just a naturally dominant man. I am his first ever submissive and we’ve developed our dynamic over the years. But I met him on a vanilla site. It was pure luck. Except my profile said I was only interested in strong men. I hope this makes sense?

[bb****]

I feel like there are a few things to unpack here: topping vs. dominance, the role play vs. the role, and the assumption that sex is the primary focus.

Topping is an action. Dominance is a dynamic, and for some, a lifestyle. They aren't necessarily the same thing. You can top someone without being their Dominant, just as you can be a Dominant without every interaction revolving around sex or play.

Role play is pretty self-explanatory. You and the people involved choose roles and explore them together. It's an experience you step into. But a role, at least in the context of a dynamic, goes deeper. It's how you carry yourself, how you show up, how you communicate, and how you consistently engage with another person. It's not just what happens when you decide to play.

And then there's sex. Sex is great, but it's not everything. People explore kink for all sorts of reasons: connection, trust, vulnerability, mental stimulation, personal growth, the exchange of power, or simply the enjoyment of exploring something different. The physical aspect can be a big part of it, but it isn't the whole picture.

I think a lot of people enjoy the thrill of role play, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. It's fun to explore different sides of yourself and see what kind of chemistry you have with someone. But I also think people sometimes underestimate the depth of involvement it takes to build a mutually fulfilling Dom/sub dynamic. And that responsibility doesn't fall on just one side.

A dynamic takes effort, communication, trust, and consistency from both people. It's something you build and maintain alongside everything else life throws at you. It isn't a title that automatically grants you authority or a label that automatically creates submission.

The label might describe what you're looking for, but the dynamic is something you build together.

[ey****]

Something which I think ties up a few comments is that, well - just because someone lists themselves as submissive, Dominant, brat, sadist, whatever doesn't mean they are your ...whatever

Equally even if you are chatting with them with a view of a dynamic, especially as a lot of these are catch-all terms - it doesn't mean you fit what each other wants - it doesn't mean they, are you, are not ....whatever, just that your shades don't work together 

[ec****]

100%. And people just adopt subjective understandings of those labels anyways. Not to mention, any healthy power dynamic does not exist as two polar opposites. A healthy submissive knows how to set boundaries and rules. And that’s a form of dominance. A healthy dom needs to know how to submit to the submissives desires. Because if the dom doesn’t give the submissive what they want, the submissive will leave and find a dom that does

So a healthy relationship requires a submissive to be dominant, and a dominant to be submissive. But we have all these people acting like these things function as black and white to each other. Caught up in labels, because actually having these discussions is more difficult.

[Vi****]

I feel like a label gives people more grounds to reject you before finding out what you're about and greenlighting you. Granted, it does go off of the averages that you test that, but many people don't bother to put that into account when reviewing that section of your profile. And then the app matches based on the sum total of where you scored with no wiggle room. In turn, people end up missing out on fun encounters over pre-programmed bias.

[ja****]

19 hours ago, Violetbi1140 said:

I feel like a label gives people more grounds to reject you before finding out what you're about and greenlighting you. Granted, it does go off of the averages that you test that, but many people don't bother to put that into account when reviewing that section of your profile. And then the app matches based on the sum total of where you scored with no wiggle room. In turn, people end up missing out on fun encounters over pre-programmed bias.

Absolutely. I was talking to someone that claim they wanted a master or daddy Dom or some very specific thing they decided that because mine just said dominant or Primal or something that I couldn't possibly be what they were looking for. I think a lot of people flatter themselves with titles they go being a master or a dominant is a 24/7 lifestyle and identity. You're not going to tell me the 21-year-old girl from rural Vermont is is a definitive mistress

[Le****]

"giving it up for someone that knows what they are doing"...there is a term for that. It's called being a switch.
You're too focused on believing in absolute labels, instead of seeing them as descriptors or guidelines. We use them to effectively and most accurately describe trends in our behaviors.

[Sl****]

You are speaking my language