*Click*: Evolution (primal)

[SJ****]

I think it's safe to say we all remember our first encounter with kink, or at least in the case of a slow progression, perhaps the moment when something clicked and you knew this was for you. That's how it was for me.

Mine was in the 90s. Bound on our couch with whatever scarves we had, my girlfriend at the time and I roleplayed vampire/victim, discovered she enjoyed biting (and I enjoyed delivering), and discovered my first foray into knife play. Thrilling, exhilarating, something that piqued our curiosity. The fact it was a thunderstorm outside simply provided the perfect atmosphere and heightened our experience. We reacted toward to the other with each peal of thunder, hissed at the bright flash of lightning, and moved with each wave of wind as the rain pounded on our patio door. She gave me all the feedback and I fed on it. We had our wits about us but as she went into the space, I fed on it and reacted more. I survived on it. No, I thrived on it. *Click*

During that relationship, we had no titles nor even a concept of what others did. We simply did what we enjoyed, identified what needs we had and what limits we had. We had no idea in our isolated play what we were doing, all we knew was it was hot, sensual, silently communicative, and fun. We liked it. *Click*

After that relationship ended, my own continued delving into kink also discovered I had a penchant for automatically topping those who even winked a submission toward me. More importantly I discovered it wasn't about whatever innate power or charisma I had, but rather how much of their own they were willing to give to me. "So that's what happened all those years ago during that vampire RP..." *Click*

Kink disappeared in my life, swallowed by long work commutes to a banal job, etc. Without knowing I should have been looking to fulfill my inner desires, it languished. Until one partner who unwittingly unlocked years of pent up desire to express myself once more.

In the middle of the act, at the pinnacle of climax, something in me transformed. I don't know what, I only know my partner was wide-eyed in delight and that my hands were everywhere during the spasm; paced, heavy, menacing growling replaced spasmodic breathing. She brought it out and something in me responded. It wasn't until after the needed cooldown I discovered what had happened: my wall, headboard on the bed, and even my partner were covered in scratches and gouges, all of which I caused during our time together. I had relinquished to a baser instinct, a powerful commanding need that caused my rational human brain to take a back seat for a period of time. Ooo... I can cause damage and she was willing. Hell, she brought it out in me. But I had the ability to reduce myself to a controlled ***. Wonder if I could do that again. More partners, a little more chance to discover. Oh, look, I clawed a wall. Again. And then again and again. *Click*

More years in a vanilla life passed save for the rare interaction with a partner in the mood, usually during the honeymoon phase of a new relationship.

Skip ahead some years. I meet and get married to a great gal. Heavily ensconced in the vanilla life for so long, I lost my connection. She brought something to the table having had interest in it but again, neither of us had the experience to know what we truly wanted. Sure, I had memories; sure, she had more of her own. But we were vanilla. We knew something was missing, but the usual worries came out: how do you start, what's the "right" thing to do, what do we need, how do we.... blah blah blah

Some years pass. Complacency sets in lieu of increased play though no fault of our own, we didn't know we could! I can't say we ever hit rock bottom (fortunately) in the relationship but after one particular argument, the topic shifted to inner desires. Before either of us knew it, it clicked. We found ourselves in a position never attempted together, emitting sounds neither of us had shared, and experienced a freedom .... FUCKING FREEDOM! .... I had once known and she had desired. She fell into the groove and gave herself to me completely and ... *CLICK*

We negotiated soon after. We set soft and hard limits, still exploring to find limits.

She discovered she's poly. I had some experience there, okay cool. We took a lover. It had been fantastic.

Knives were introduced, the thrill of the sharp drag threatening a deep slice. Bondage was rediscovered, and discipline administered when deserved. Sensory deprivation, toy play and more.

We had come into our own.

I've since realized with some energy play and a two hour long conversation with a dear friend in the lifestyle for over 20 years that I am not just a Dom. I am not just a Top. I've left scars and bite marks, scratches and gouges. I am a goddamn *** with the restraint needed to be what I must for my partners, to care for them, to bring them to their limits and test them, and to guide them carefully back in to the safe world with all the love and absolute instinctual protection I can provide, holding and caressing, massaging stretched joints and muscles, rubbing ***d skin, and listening to what's desired to increase or decrease. I have likened it to licking wounds with pride knowing it's made them stronger. I am the alpha, the prime one. I am responsible for their safe being. I can be an ***. And I can be the protector.

That's how I evolved. That's why I am Primal.

[SJ****]

This was written years ago. Many of my views have changed since. But I'm curious if anyone else had these kinds of revelations.