Vetting A Potential? Vet Yourself First

[AKA_Copper]

Pick questions you care about the answer to. Then ask and answer your own questions BEFORE you ask someone else.

Why?

Because if you are into someone and they make a statement or answer a question you haven’t yet thought through on your own, it is normal human behaviour to adjust your thoughts, limits and preferences to best match theirs. You don’t need to be a people pleaser to do this.

Hear me out.

Think about when you’re at a restaurant and someone asks you what you fancy eating  before you’ve even seen the menu. Your answer to that question may be different after you’ve seen the menu. It may not.

But with something as important as vetting a kinky partner, do you want to take that chance?

I’d say no.

When you go into searching for a partner without first identifying what you need and want in a partner, you’re setting yourself up to be able to bend your own boundaries. 

Don’t get me wrong - we all do this to some degree. Even if we HAVE already established the answers to what we need from a partner.

This is partly because we are all human. We’re flawed and we’re willing to be flexible because of that. Partly, too, because saying no is uncomfortable. It’s conflict. Particularly on the s side of the slash - or at least with me. I tend to shy away from conflict (unless you come after me with crappy unthought out, lazy criticism 🙈).

But we shouldn’t be massively flexible on the big questions. We should know what constitutes the big stuff ahead of time. Write it on a paper with a star next to it and put it in our pocket when we go to order. Intentionally.

Then, when we’re distracted by ropes, cuffs and promises of icecream, we can look back at the stars and realize why we went to the restaurant in the first place.

We’re here to make friends, find play partners or love. Or whatever the reason is for you being here. But, first and foremost - we’re here for us. We should get to know ourselves first.

[BeguiledByTheSerpent]

Very well expressed. I want my partner to get me to confess all of my fantasies

[ab****]

I'm not going to ruin this or try and top that. Perfect and beautifully said@ 👏 👏 👏 👏

[ultraspankee21]

Good write up 👏👏

[Deleted Member]

That’s some fantastic advice for the experienced, but what about the inexperienced, who might not know if they would like the chicken or the stake, because they’ve been a vegetarian since forever?

[AKA_Copper]

1 hour ago, DarkSweetAngel said:

That’s some fantastic advice for the experienced, but what about the inexperienced, who might not know if they would like the chicken or the stake, because they’ve been a vegetarian since forever?

Therein lies the issue

[SubSusie]

Good advice