First time meet & play

[Vi****]

Hi all, I've been reading threads in here and taking on-board some good advice. I've been messaging a guy whoose submissive and is into alot of things I am, with me wanting to dominant him. We have a good banter and he'd like us to meet.

So I guess for me a drink somewhere first see if we click, then discuss 🤔 but then what. I don't feel comfortable at my home having play sessions, I have kids. Obviously they wouldn't be there but I just don't want to mix the two. He has his own place but I feel nervous still. So do you guys choose a hotel? I'd let a friend know where I am aswell for safely.
Excited but super nervous too. He's not pushed but has said I hope I'm still on your radar for play and that he'd be happy to comply.

[Mechanical-pulse]

All of the above I would say. Have your social meet but on first play if you are able to get a hotel do that but also let your friends know where you are too.

[Tt****]

It sounds like you have a good idea of precautions and I think that makes sense. It sounds like he isn't overly pushy either which is good, of course.
I think you're right to meet in public and chat normally. I'd do that as many times as you want; there is no rush. Then a hotel sounds like a good idea with a friend knowing too. Provided you still feel safe and happy to continue to play 🙂

[Deleted Member]

Meet him a couple of times for coffee first and see if you click. If your nervous about going to his then I would say yes, meet at a hotel.

[Mo****]

Vic first up - No play on first meet, and No alcohol or drugs because they cloud and hinder judgement. Clear head at all times because if you are going to dom him, YOU are responsible for his safety and well-being. First meet should be to meet in person in order to be comfortable with that other person and see if body language gives off warning signs.

Play on your next meet, and until you are both comfortable, play at a motel. Because you are the dom,you should ALWAYS be the first to arrive. Before you play, discuss SAFE words, Limits and anything else you both might think is relevant. Being dominant means a lot of work, because you want them to get satisfaction from the play, just as you want your satisfaction as well.

[Deleted Member]

Hi Vic, the comments made already are all valid. I would probably emphasise that there is no fixed time for starting Dom/Sub play schedules. Get to know each other first, it is a two way thing and your safety is no less important than his. However, if he is worth his salt then he will be happy to wait for you if you are serious about doing this together and you are anxious at first. Most of all you both should enjoy the experience in safety. The first steps are often the most nervy.

[Matttster]

Treat it like any other relationship, wait until you are comfortable with him until you proceed. Build things slowly. You have a good sense of precautions.

Isn’t relationship (dynamic) should be built on trust, honesty and respect. Build the relationship before getting a hotel room. If you are uncomfortable going to his house, you should build the relationship more.

I have a submissive friend who has met a new Dom. The Dom has a 10 date minimum before anything sexual. It seems he had a sub in the past where things didn’t click for him and she stalked him and his son for quite a while,

[se****]

21 minutes ago, Matttster said:

Treat it like any other relationship, wait until you are comfortable with him until you proceed. Build things slowly. You have a good sense of precautions.

Isn’t relationship (dynamic) should be built on trust, honesty and respect. Build the relationship before getting a hotel room. If you are uncomfortable going to his house, you should build the relationship more.

I have a submissive friend who has met a new Dom. The Dom has a 10 date minimum before anything sexual. It seems he had a sub in the past where things didn’t click for him and she stalked him and his son for quite a while,

👍👍👍👍👍

[TheBookCollector]

One thing i suggest is meet for coffee and chat about things, then look to attend BBB and have a look round the market together and take it from there. Also consider going to Xtasia in west brom for a 'date',

Hotels are a good neutral space, however some hotel room can be limiting space wise especially and have thin walls, especially in budget hotels (premier inn, etc).

Look for deals, some do special rates on a friday/saturday evenings.so you.might be able to get a larger room or suite for the price of a weekday.

[DarkArts1066]

Trust your own instincts first of all.

Rule 1 : You should never have a ‘first’ session in your own home with anyone… same goes for Males as well as Females, and any gender type. I almost never invite anyone to my house. If I do, it’s someone that I have known for years - not hours.
Likewise, I generally prefer not to go to anyone else’s home if I can avoid it.

Hotels are always good. Personally I prefer an Air b’n’b. You have more choice over location… and quite often they are a little more discrete - without being too remote.

Rule 2 : Always let someone know where you are going, and a photo of a prospective meets’ car numberplate sent to your ‘wingman’ never goes amiss. My background is in security and policing - this one really does save lives.

Rule 3 : Safe words are NOT optional.
Never let anyone gag you - or tie you up on a first meet as a novice. You need time to gauge their ability and their intentions.

If they are getting a little too hot under the collar and over zealous… ask for a time out - and do so in good time.
I could tell a story here, but I will save it for a private sharing if anyone wishes.

All that said, please enjoy your first ‘coffee date’ with your intended, but try to be objective. If you need to make notes of questions beforehand, do so.

The only stupid question is the one you don’t ask. - as they say.

[ey****]

I feel I'm just echoing what has been said above, but

yep - meet somewhere public.  You can do this as regularly or as many times as you feel you need before play.

If you are in/near Birmingham then as well as the choice of booking some a hotel, there are also a few dungeons can be hired - or fetish events.   So even if you're a bit touch and go about playing private, attend a fetish event together for play there.

[Vi****]

Hey all thanks for replying 😊 great info here, I'm in Birmingham and I thought of coffee or pub first for a meet. But as you say alcohol can hinder perspectives and intuition.
There's also the BBB in Jan all being well I'm going to ask him to that too. I'll ask questions and if he's rushing or not taking things seriously ill walk away.

[Master50]

I think u should
Meet at a pub first or any public place.
Never take this person home until u get to know him a bit more.
Don't rush anytime
Always protect ur family first.
Stay safe

[bi****]

go out for a drink, like the pub, and give him a rule: no kink talk whatsoever. See if he can chat with you without his head full of sub/dom stuff, because if he can't, then its all fantasy for him and no reality. You can then do another meeting afterwards, food and some kink talk about where to take things. And then a 3rd date - hotels work, but they're a bit impersonal (A dungeon might be a better choice). So treat it like any other date. You'd go to a guy's house eventually if it was vanilla. Take it exactly like that.

[Master50]

That's what I was trying to say but couldn't put it in the exact words. 

Yes

That's the best way 

Just to protect u and prevent stalking. 

[Vi****]

You know bittenkiss that rule of no kink talk is actually a great idea, our chat often swerves to kink but I see from his side usually if not always.

[Deleted Member]

13 minutes ago, Vic1077 said:

You know bittenkiss that rule of no kink talk is actually a great idea, our chat often swerves to kink but I see from his side usually if not always.

That's the perfect way, then you find out if he's interested in you or just his kink 👍🏻 top advice

[ey****]

I feel two minds on banning kink chat. 

There's a lot that kinda - depends on everything like how much time you have to chat, and also what you may or may not want.

There'd be a lot of good signs come out of the meeting - whether you can connect, whether he can hold a conversation and how good he is at communication.  Some their level of importance can be linked a little bit to your interest. If you're interested but he is struggling with nerves or shy, then it's definitely not a good idea to rush and play - but - if talking about kink stops him worrying about everything else then it can at least have a conversation that can be steered.

Compatibility in kink and having similar ambitions is important. 

That he's held conversation enough that you want to meet him probably has a little bit of a demonstration you're satisfied he's interested in you.

If however he does keep driving things back to kink that could be very different.   

But it feels a little that the first meeting or two is just getting a vibe as of if you would be happy enough to go to an event together or play sometime.  

[RosesHaveThorns75]

Just wondering what kind of hotels would be suitable for anything other than chatting to room visitors in the UK?!? 🤔 Places I stay are small 50 room or less hotels and sound definitely DOES travel in these rooms snoring talking tv phonecalls etc all can be heard from other rooms which I myself as a guest obviously ignore but could having a visitor in other conteXts but viewed as illegal/immoral if anyone caught on?!? 🙊 I seriously value my holiday brakes & my reputation & being a student I'm not having anyone in my place with my study stuff everywhere so I'd be kinda stuck I guess?!? To maybe online Dominations which actually initially isn't a bad idea for a very wary Domm like myself 💀🙏💀 Otherwise if your hiring a place then that's getting into Pro-domm type territories.....though that does seem safer?!? tricky logistics 💀🎃💀 plus Covid still a concern I'd say atmo

[Deleted Member]

Bdsm takes a lot of trust, build that and know you're safe with him before you do anything bdsm related 

[ey****]

on hotels

a lot depends really on what type of activities you intend to do.  

Budget/Chain hotels tend to not be great for either space or noise - sure - but again it depends on what you're wanting to do.   

Something I have done also in the past is booking "apartment" rooms in hotels, or suites.  Some, actually, not as expensive as they might sound.

But it depends what you want... dungeons are typically £30-£50 per hour 

I've literally just booked a hotel for play and it was a little pricey, £120.  But a dungeon for the same period was £250 - and I couldn't easily also sleep in the dungeon  

 

[tank722]

Kinda curious how a male subs go about this and if it’s any different for them in the steps they take? I have found incredibly useful stuff on the forums and have done an initial vanilla meet and hoped straight to do some hotel room type play… we both know it’s happening fast but are both talking a lot to each other, negotiating limits of play (which is rather light compared to what we have agreed versus our mutual kinks)

Anyways just curious for any more info based on others experience. I recently recognised I walked away from a D/s relationship many many years ago because I had sub drop involving feeling of shame and disgust, despite my full consent and wanting to do the things I did, but didn’t even know what it was until I got here.

[ey****]

I feel some stuff is a little different for us men - buuut - I do also feel a lot of men do not always consider their own safety.

I think the two things men fear the most is that the person will not look like their profile or that they will be scammed.  If they meet someone for coffee and agree play then this should alleviate both of those fears, right?

I think men underestimate a lot else that can go wrong.  If she doesn't know how to use toys it can do you serious damage.  I've heard some right horror stories from people melting hot wax in a microwave to using cocktail sticks as sounding rods.

When we talk "the sub has all the control" if you're strapped someone and screaming stop and she doesn't - what are you going to do about it (and in some of the horror stories I've heard, men sometimes are fearful of speaking up because they don't want to be seen as being a "bad sub" or that this will end the entire playtime.)

So it is up to the sub to also learn about different activities, safety, etc. especially if a new partner.   

In my early days - most of the ladies I played with were people at clubs who I either knew and trusted or had already seen play.   By irony, next week I'm meeting someone for play who I saw in a club and was like "OMG - you are beautiful" but I know she is real, I know she is who she says she is - I MET her - and have spoken on video call with her - and money isn't changing hands (actually, technically it did as she's dropped half the money for the playspace in my bank account) and we've spoken enough that I know she isn't going to try anything she doesn't know how to do.    

[tank722]

Thanks for the info! Knew you would contribute cocktail sticks as sounds has me doubled over thinking of the splinters now….

Sadly there is just not a local scene in Devon (that we have found anyways) because if there was we would both be well up for it so getting to know people is much more tricky - hence our mutual rushed excitement.

[Deleted Member]

Awesome advice eyemblacksheep because I am almost at a stage of going into a sub role without any prior meeting, although she did say that we would have a ten minute interview when I visit her for the first time. Do you think ten minutes is enough time to discuss boundaries and limits ?