Advice needed for an overwhelmed vanilla/newbie

[Au****]

I'm in my 50s, and my sex life has been completely vanilla. I'm in a long term relationship now with a wonderful guy who is kind, caring, sweet, gentle, and calm. Only, I am just now finding out things about him I didn't know (we've known each other 4.5 years). He told me he was a Dom when we first started dating, but I had no idea what that meant beyond just wanting to be in control in the bedroom, which was fine with me. Little by little, he has been introducing me to new things, and I've been okay with most of it. But now I am overthinking. How can this sweet, gentle guy who  won't even squash a bug also be a guy who enjoys/needs to inflict physical pain during sex? I'm having difficulty wrapping my mind around seemingly opposite personas. I truly want to understand and be accepting, but this is just all new and overwhelming to me. Can someone offer some kind of suggestion for how I can reconcile all of this in my head?

[N3****]

Establish a disconnect between how he acts in public vs. private. Outside in most Doms can be gentle, naturally compassionate, caring entities and yet in private especially with a trusted partner they feel allowed to let loose and divulge in a more artistic manner that in includes pain, torture, and hatred. It's nothing you've done but during an act as freeing as sex is with someone you talk to abundantly. They may have a different alignment. I would suggest you talk to you partner about how it makes you feel an go from there. You stated your sex has been vanilla up until now so talk about your traumas(boundaries) realize what goes to far(your limits)and see if you can find a middle ground for him to express what he cannot. Remember to take time before (sometimes during) and especially after each time to regroup on how it's going so you don't feel overwhelmed. Remember to talk in lengthy detail about each and every scenario you come to mind do he knows when to push and when he should call the safe key.

[ge****]

The thing is you say they are opposing personas but actually are they?
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You say he's "kind, caring, sweet, gentle and calm" - and that is great and in fact *all* of those are wonderful qualities for a dominant to possess - yes they may manifest themselves in different ways when he is in dominant mode, but they're still those qualities.
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When he takes control, does he remain calm? Does he show caring, checking in to see you're OK with what is happening? Does he do what he does with kindness and not aggression?
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They're all desirable qualities that are played out even in dominant mode, or should do.
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The key here is do you enjoy what he does? If you do, and he does so in a good way that makes you feel good then he's not a different person, he's just displaying all those good qualities that you love in him in a different way.
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If however you are not enjoying it, or even aspects of it, then you need to discuss with him and tell him what and why you don't like it - and if you do, does he listen and either stop or go more gently? If he does, then again he's displaying those good qualities you love about him.
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The real problem would be if you didn't enjoy it and yet he persisted.

[Deleted Member]

Life’s a bitch sometime- you need to discipline her

[Au****]

Hammer90, thank you, that’s some great advice. 

gemini_man, those are some good questions. Yes, he remains calm and caring and does check in with me. I’m not sure how hitting me or doing other painful things can be done with kindness, per se, but definitely not with aggression. 

Do I enjoy the things he does? Eh, not really. But I don’t mind most of them. There have been a couple of things that just hurt too much, and we recently had a conversation about them. I was very specific about which acts I don’t like so that he is free to experiment in other ways. We also established our safe word. There are a few things that I wouldn’t say I truly enjoy, but I kind of like the rough handling. Everything else is just kind of in the “whatever” category for me. If he enjoys it, that’s fine. 
He’s a really good person, and I trust him completely. I was just overthinking all of it, and it still doesn’t completely make sense to me, but I love him and will accept him as he is. 
 

[ge****]

Hmmmm - it's great that he remains calm and caring etc and that open and honest conversation remains in place.
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However picking up on your comments about not really enjoying what he does, and being "whatever" about them, does cause some concerns. If you're doing these things just to please him, and they're not doing a great deal for you, then it's going to be a difficult one for you to get your head past.
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Maybe try and find some things that *you* enjoy and want to do for *you* and suggest he focuses on those? Or at least mixes them in.

[Je****]

What do you needd to qrap your head around? Many people are sadists into all sorts of pain and infliction, it doesn't mean they are bad people or outsidee the bedroom (and unconsensually) inflict pain elsewhere. 

It's just a sexual preference. I mean most people have a kind, sweet, caring and gentle side and can still watch the most bizarre porn and get off in absurd ways. Doesn't make them odd or even opposites to Who thy are in every day life.

 

Some people like and enjoy that break from the norm.. To use the cliche "strict boss businessman" who likes to be naked, spanked with an apple in this mouth and degraded into a sobbing mess. They like that contrast in life vs fantasy. Still humans. It's fascinating. As long as no one does anything to/with you, that you haven't consented to, then don't worry xx

[Au****]

gemini_man, the things that I enjoy most are the vanilla things that we’ve always done. Yes, he makes sure to take care of my physical needs every time. I assume that kinks are more pleasurable when both parties enjoy them, and I wish I could make it like that for him. But hitting/spanking me is just not erotic to me. He never does it hard enough to really hurt, so that’s why I don’t mind. 
 

Finally_Jen, what I need to wrap my head around is this: is he really the person that I’ve thought he was for the last 4.5 years? Is he really the man that I fell in love with? Because the man I love doesn’t hurt people, mentally, physically, or emotionally, at least not on purpose. 
 

And I’m not saying that any of his kinks make him a bad person, but maybe just not the person I thought he was?

[ge****]

1 hour ago, AutumnGingerSnap said:

gemini_man, the things that I enjoy most are the vanilla things that we’ve always done. Yes, he makes sure to take care of my physical needs every time. I assume that kinks are more pleasurable when both parties enjoy them, and I wish I could make it like that for him. But hitting/spanking me is just not erotic to me. He never does it hard enough to really hurt, so that’s why I don’t mind. 
 

Finally_Jen, what I need to wrap my head around is this: is he really the person that I’ve thought he was for the last 4.5 years? Is he really the man that I fell in love with? Because the man I love doesn’t hurt people, mentally, physically, or emotionally, at least not on purpose. 
 

And I’m not saying that any of his kinks make him a bad person, but maybe just not the person I thought he was?

Then I'm sorry to say that you have to tell him and not just accept it to keep him happy - doing so will just drive you further apart.
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If he can't accept that it's not for you, then he really isn't the one for you - not because emotionally you aren't compatible, but because on this subject you're not.
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Remember though, he's not a bad person because of what he's into, nor is he not the person you fell for - he just has likes that don't align with you're own, and maybe as a result he's just not the right person for you.
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In a compatible relationship that involves the things he likes, it wouldn't be seen that he was hurting people "mentally, physically or emotionally" on purpose - quite the opposite.