It's Not Just D-types Who Violate Consent

[CopperKnob]

Us s-types do it too

The kink community will regularly communicate about abusive Doms and red flags. It's not often we talk about subs who violate consent.

Subtle consent violations appear to be swept under the proverbial rug.

How many can relate? I'm sure you'll have been there at some point, bent over, biting down at every strike. Telling yourself can do it. You feel you might snap in half, but safewording feels like a personal failing. Besides, you started this. Whether it's pride, stubborness or feeling that you owe it to them to finish it. So you grind your teeth and carry on until physical pain turns into emotional pain, and emotional pain turns into trauma, and trauma turns into flashbacks.

You've been told to use your safe word at times like this, but your sub-cred could use a little improvement. So you swallow your screams. You wish away your tears. You bite back the sweary words. You count back from a hundred. You do whatever it takes to make it through whilst wondering how long this is going to last, but you'll be glad you did this in the end. When it's over, you'll be covered in the most glorious marks you've ever had, and that's worth its weight in masochist's pride.

BDSM is now an Olympic Sport, and you win if you can post the goriest bruises on whatever kink app you use tomorrow for the likes and comments of adoration egging you on for more next time.

No harm no foul.

Right?

Except there will be harm and it won't just be us harmed.

D-types need us to choose our limits carefully. We owe it to them to draw defined boundaries instead of being vague about our capacity for pain. Physical or otherwise. Safewords protect us from lost limbs and scars. They also protect Dom's from causing them.

Limits and safewords aren’t only safety mechanisms for s-types. They give our Doms an out before we trample all over their right to consent. They preserve trust and give sadists a sense of safety.

Being self-aware keeps us all safe. People-pleasing subs can traumatise their Doms. So can triggered subs and masochists who take pride in the meagre limits of their pain thresholds. In a healthy D/s relationship, all parties are responsible for consent.

Saying “yes”, not safewording and braving it out can remove a Dom’s right to say “no”.

Coercion is an unacceptable way to engage with others.

[ol****]

While not exactly a consent violation, I do think you shine a light on a potential problem.

How it is solved I don't know. It is possible, perhaps, for an experienced D to know your limit better than you but the risk is massive.

I think lots of talking about limits is important, understanding experience is important and asking questions. I have, in the past, refused to play with a sub who said I would never find her limit. Now I will be honest, that scared me.

[BeguiledByTheSerpent]

It’s about boundaries. That applies to all aspects of our lives.

[Th****]

I totally agree with your point Copper, in fact it is so common for a sub to push themselves further than they should that I think a large number of experienced Doms are very good at Reading their subs reactions.

That tension in the jaw from biting down, the frequent swallows of trying to hold back tears. Tension in the wrong muscles. Personally I would much rather take a time out / water break and double check that she is not trying to be a super sub.

When you combine that with sub space and the fact that the sensation of pain changes, and even the ability to verbalise can be totally lost. I feel that at this stage the Dom has to either be able to read the situation competently or not get into this depth of play.

Sometimes a submissive in non-verbal space cannot say no.

[Koby]

When I play with someone I want to be In the moment with that individual.  Most importantly I want to play within boundaries. 

As a Dom/Sadist, it is difficult to focus and enjoy the experience when you are worried about the other person's safety.

It's important to understand that limits are fluid, so communication is very important.

[CopperKnob]

Tuesday at 09:44 PM, oldfellow said:

While not exactly a consent violation, I do think you shine a light on a potential problem.

How it is solved I don't know. It is possible, perhaps, for an experienced D to know your limit better than you but the risk is massive.

I think lots of talking about limits is important, understanding experience is important and asking questions. I have, in the past, refused to play with a sub who said I would never find her limit. Now I will be honest, that scared me.

Interesting that you don't see it as a consent violation. Reflecting on it, is it because it's not necessarily done with ill intent?

[CopperKnob]

6 hours ago, Thebian said:

I totally agree with your point Copper, in fact it is so common for a sub to push themselves further than they should that I think a large number of experienced Doms are very good at Reading their subs reactions.

That tension in the jaw from biting down, the frequent swallows of trying to hold back tears. Tension in the wrong muscles. Personally I would much rather take a time out / water break and double check that she is not trying to be a super sub.

When you combine that with sub space and the fact that the sensation of pain changes, and even the ability to verbalise can be totally lost. I feel that at this stage the Dom has to either be able to read the situation competently or not get into this depth of play.

Sometimes a submissive in non-verbal space cannot say no.

As a person pleaser it's hard to say no.
The sub space angle I hadn't considered. Will mull that one over

[ol****]

1 hour ago, CopperKnob said:

Interesting that you don't see it as a consent violation. Reflecting on it, is it because it's not necessarily done with ill intent?

Yes in part.

There are so many parts to this.

If it is done out of a desire to be a "good sub" then this is where I see it being difficult. 

In the example I cited I would not play in a scenario where I was going to have to judge what was too much ( no traffic light with somebody you are still getting to know, what would you do?). So, for me, since there was no scene there was no consent violation. It never got that far. I still shudder at the thought of the obverse situation, it was a massively valuable lesson for me.

 

Edited February 17, 2022 by oldfellow

[MissTakenDeep]

I love reading your posts, you always raise topics that are rarely discussed and sometimes difficult to have, I like the new perspectives I get from reading through the conversations, so firstly; Thankyou for sharing this ❤️.

Secondly, I agree S types have a duty to their D type to not push themselves to the point it feels abusive. As shown in the comments, a good D type would be extremely upset to know they’ve caused someone real pain/emotional trauma during play, especially when they put so much weight on being trusted and being able to read their subs reactions. Getting it so wrong could be extremely damaging for both parties. I think communication is always the most important factor in kink, but the point raised about S types not always having the ability to vocalise is something to consider. Maybe there could be a physical sign for stop? Maybe the D type in that case would need to take regular breaks, as suggested here already, take the time needed to understand their sub struggles with saying ‘no’ and maybe ask more frequently and directly ‘is this okay’…that gives the opportunity for the sub to request a little break if needed and discuss the scene.

I do think it’s important for any s type to know and communicate their limits and very important for D types to know which boundaries they can/can’t push. I hope we see an increase in S types being completely clear in their boundaries, the confidence to say ‘stop’ when that’s what they mean and the courage to leave if that’s ignored.