Practical process of trust?

[scientistxSaturday]

How have you best ascertained trust from your previous/partners?

[Deleted Member]

Boundaries. And the respecting of them.

[Mi****]

First just chatting, they were GF's who were into BDSM so we dated the usual way, then when it came up we'd discuss kinks, intensity, and establish safe words (usually in a fun way, with the first GF we chose Flamingoes because of her pillow cover, and the second one was an equally silly moment where we decided it would be light and fun to say the classic banana 😆)

[Mi****]

To add, the above comment is right, being clear on boundaries, practising the safe word usage ahead of time and stopping the moment someone says it, are all essential to me

[Je****]

Time and communication. Always the way forward.

[scientistxSaturday]

1 hour ago, Sir-or-Daddy said:

Boundaries. And the respecting of them.

Respect How? How did you discover boundaries specifically? When did you ask what?

[je****]

Being trustworthy……

[Ae****]

Being kind. Predicting where she'd feel unsafe, or be in danger, and telling her she was in control. And letting her know what her boundaries should be. With me and others. Encouraging her to speak up about her needs and limits. Apologising. Being honest. Being sincere. Being supportive.
Screwing her so that she couldn't think straight anyways 😏

[Po****]

Discussing about past relationships with previous partners / setting, explaining and negotiating rules and boundaries - having them respected. Paying attention to the partner - what could set them off/trigger them. Discussing safe words and establishing (sometimes) protocols.

[scientistxSaturday]

2 hours ago, Finally_Jen said:

Time and communication. Always the way forward.

How much time? What type of communication?

[scientistxSaturday]

1 hour ago, jedimajic said:

Being trustworthy……

What does this entail specifically for you?

[Mi****]

Have I misunderstood the question? By ascertained do you mean how have we confirmed we have built trust - Or is it what do we do to build trust?

[Je****]

6 hours ago, scientistxSaturday said:

How much time? What type of communication?

How long is a piece of string...?

 

Communicate YOUR wants and needs.

 

I feel you're asking a ton of questions from people in which they can't answer for YOU. Every relationship an dynamic is unique per individual. 

Are you researching or analyzing data from people for the BDSM world?

[CopperKnob]

Being consistent, genuine and words matching behaviours will gain my trust and respect. It's that simple.

[ch****]

There is no set standard of time. Every circumstance, every action, word and person is different. As stated several times, having open communication and respect is how the “feelings” of trust will develop. Practice with each other, be open to guidance from your sub. Trust takes however long it takes and once it’s there, foster it, nurture it and cherish it.

[scientistxSaturday]

19 hours ago, MisterE1989 said:

Have I misunderstood the question? By ascertained do you mean how have we confirmed we have built trust - Or is it what do we do to build trust?

What other people told you that you did to build trust.

For instance: sometimes I think I've built trust for doing some of the things listed in these comments, but I learn it was actually saying something nice about their favorite video game unprompted.

And in fact, to this person, conversations I try to initiate around boundaries mostly scares them even if I'm doing it the way that the gottman institute says or whatever procedure this person lays out.

Not saying you shouldn't do the standard, just asking specifics about your experience, if it's something you feel comfortable with.

My theory is theres a pattern with non standard trust building activities/traits that can be sussed out and consensually applied to the beginning and maintenance stages of relationships.

So yes its not the effort you put in I'm looking for, I'm interested in other's feedback about you.

For transparency my girlfriend says she trusts me because I ask questions and she can tell that I'm trying my best to be considerate and thoughtful, she usually says this when I'm explaining my thought process, so with her, the explanation itself (in addition to the actual acts of consideration) might hold weight. Also that I'm checking in with her reaction when calibrating how to respond, though sometimes it annoys her. It's unclear to me if there's a way to check in with more positively skewed results.

[Mi****]

1 hour ago, scientistxSaturday said:

What other people told you that you did to build trust.

For instance: sometimes I think I've built trust for doing some of the things listed in these comments, but I learn it was actually saying something nice about their favorite video game unprompted.

And in fact, to this person, conversations I try to initiate around boundaries mostly scares them even if I'm doing it the way that the gottman institute says or whatever procedure this person lays out.

Not saying you shouldn't do the standard, just asking specifics about your experience, if it's something you feel comfortable with.

My theory is theres a pattern with non standard trust building activities/traits that can be sussed out and consensually applied to the beginning and maintenance stages of relationships.

So yes its not the effort you put in I'm looking for, I'm interested in other's feedback about you.

For transparency my girlfriend says she trusts me because I ask questions and she can tell that I'm trying my best to be considerate and thoughtful, she usually says this when I'm explaining my thought process, so with her, the explanation itself (in addition to the actual acts of consideration) might hold weight. Also that I'm checking in with her reaction when calibrating how to respond, though sometimes it annoys her. It's unclear to me if there's a way to check in with more positively skewed results.

Gotcha, I did respond and then have to realise I didn't read the question - Exams are not a strong suit 😆
If you're familiar with attachment styles I'm a person with an Anxious attachment and I find I'm always with someone with an Anxious or Fearful Avoidant attachment. I'm very direct and just like to ask questions like yourself, hear the responses and act on those so as to show that I am attentive. I will also do a check-in, sometimes as often as every week. That applies to kink as well. I do also make a point of agreeing upon a safe word, and on the first play session, ask that we calibrate by having them say the safe word at a random time so that they can see it in action, to reassure them I'll respect the boundaries set in place. It's tricky though, my dating history has had it's share of complications in that some partners have had a prior history of abuse from previous partners (hence the regularity of check-ins), usually ending not long before I meet them, and this leads to them being quite shy or withdrawn at times. I say this because that my reliance on direct conversation has led to some short-lived partnerships that provide limited data in this discussion, so I know that you stated this yourself but having conversations and acting on the feedback, and calibration and reinforcement of boundaries in kink is really all I can suggest myself as well 😅

[DD****]

With my wife obeying a safeword spoken. When she says we take a break and go back when she's ready. Now, one of my absolute rules to follow as a Dom is what I do when the word no is spoken. For me it's a night/event ender. I told her if she was to say it to me I'd get up immediately, get dressed and leave the room so she had privacy. Once she's ready to talk we sit down and hash out what went wrong. She knew this and one day on the third round she tested mt resolve moments before I was to finish. I'm a man of my word. the next day I proposed and here we are.

[Ma****]

Be trustworthy.

[Da****]

I give it. For instance. I may cuff your hands. Without locking one wrist. More of a simulation. Idk.
But trust is key

[Deleted Member]

I think the Golden Rule comes into play. Treat her or them how you would want to be treated. Respect is earned; if you know my hard limits and smile and say something like, "Oh, you'll get over that." , I immediately don't trust you. What a person feels when they feel it is valid. Maybe a sub will conquer a hard limit down the road, maybe not, but you've just told me your desires are greater than mine. You intend to violate them. Poof - goodbye trust

[sW****]

These are my preferences. As others have said,, it depends on the play,, the person,, and the perspective. I have established trust through transparent research and time. I look at profiles, see how they interact in the forum, check out linked accounts. At least two weeks of direct interaction on the site/app. It can be establishing kink compatibility, talking about fantasies, maybe even some scene negotiation and role playing. Meeting at least twice (in person or video chat) just to talk in general....do I actually like you as a person. If they mock, push, ignore anything I'm into...no trust. Baby, sweetie, honey and other diminutives before establishing a dynamic...no trust. Anyone looking for one-off scenes or hook-ups should really just go to a club/dungeon and see what it's actually about. Then, get back to me. "Curious/exploring" in a profile makes me very hesitant. It's usually an indication of someone who believes kinky=easy or who doesn't really have a kink but wants some slightly freaky vanilla sex.

[scientistxSaturday]

13 hours ago, sWitchHazel said:

These are my preferences. As others have said,, it depends on the play,, the person,, and the perspective. I have established trust through transparent research and time. I look at profiles, see how they interact in the forum, check out linked accounts. At least two weeks of direct interaction on the site/app. It can be establishing kink compatibility, talking about fantasies, maybe even some scene negotiation and role playing. Meeting at least twice (in person or video chat) just to talk in general....do I actually like you as a person. If they mock, push, ignore anything I'm into...no trust. Baby, sweetie, honey and other diminutives before establishing a dynamic...no trust. Anyone looking for one-off scenes or hook-ups should really just go to a club/dungeon and see what it's actually about. Then, get back to me. "Curious/exploring" in a profile makes me very hesitant. It's usually an indication of someone who believes kinky=easy or who doesn't really have a kink but wants some slightly freaky vanilla sex.

This depth of response was exactly what I was curious about! Thank you for your care.