Deleted Member Posted June 24, 2022 Posted June 24, 2022 So occasionally I come across people(in my case women) who basically want an exclusive BDSM partner(and they aren't with anyone else), but they don't want to date the person in a normal fashion. Can someone provide insight into this? It's an exclusive relationship, but strictly kink based. Do these relationships ever become more?
ge**** Posted June 24, 2022 Posted June 24, 2022 If they're just looking to satisfy their kink needs without any commitment beyond that, bit aren't interested in multiple partners maybe? . Some people are able to compartmentalise their lives in that way without letting feelings or similar get in the way.
Ch**** Posted June 24, 2022 Posted June 24, 2022 Maybe they arnt ready or in a situation to date at that point, ive certainly been there, however mine wernt exclusive. The choice is yours to go into that set up or not, but dont go into it hoping it might go further, of course it might naturally happen but be prepared/expect for it not to.
ey**** Posted June 24, 2022 Posted June 24, 2022 I've seen it from any gender or dynamic - and - I think... People sometimes have an image in their head - and so always want to meet their partner in Dominant mode, or submissive mode, or so on - this isn't to say they wouldn't ever do any form of casual/social thing - but for them - they perhaps only want to see their partner in certain ways or only want to be seen in certain ways around their partner. If you imagine a scenario where two people meet regular and that time might begin with a "hey how are you?" but then descend into play/dynamic - a mutually enjoyable play time - follow up with some aftercare, maybe go out for a meal and then go separate ways til next time. There's no rows over who is doing the dishes, or, having to look 'their best' on other days : but also of course not seeing the other people outside of the image in their head so no breaking any illusion.
Do**** Posted June 24, 2022 Posted June 24, 2022 I'm not positive about the distinction you make between being "BDSM partner" and "dating in a normal fashion". BDSM is play or activities. Usually done with a some version of power exchange happening: top/bottom, sadist/masochist, owner/pet etc. However relationships can also be based on power-exchanges. Authority based relationships that form into dynamics like D/s, M/s, DD/lg, and many others can be 24/7. Perhaps that is what you are referring to as not "dating in a normal fashion"? Relationships based on power-exchange & dynamics are not necessarily about BDSM activities or play; it's about how those involved relate to each other and how their relationship is structured, who has control & authority, who leads and who follows, their roles, rules, protocols and rituals together.
Deleted Member Posted June 24, 2022 Author Posted June 24, 2022 You can think long or a lot about this. However, keep it simple. One is looking for a playing partner, the other a D/s.
sl**** Posted June 28, 2022 Posted June 28, 2022 My Dom is also my partner and we have a free use dynamic.
PanamaJoe Posted June 28, 2022 Posted June 28, 2022 I would guess it's an issue of divided personalities. Many people forget that before getting into kinky relationships people have already defined their persona to their family, friends and business relationships. And in many cases this persona does not include kink. Like it or not, reputations take a life time to build and seconds to destroy. Perhaps the person who has developed an image as a consummate, level headed professional in his relationships with everyone else, doesn't want to be viewed as a hedonistic, latex loving, love slave craving, bondage desperate masochist. Although there are many people who are open in their kinks (and good for them btw), there are even more people who simply are not willing to let go of a huge number of relationships in order to be so open. They value these 'vanilla' relationships more and don't really feel like anyone else needs to know about their kinks except who they decide are trustworthy enough to share them with. And here is the problem - if they are in a kinky relationship with you, they don't necessarily want to go to the same restaurants and places where they will run into their vanilla friends and explain to them the... relationship... they have with you. As a dom, you can be completely open about your kinks with everyone you know - but you can't expect your sub to feel the same way. So either you will participate in their subterfuge, or you will break it off. Anyway - that's just my take on it because I'm in the same boat. I'd love to find a woman who is the consummate caring wife to the rest of the world, but a 24/7 dominatrix at home behind closed doors. Talk about being trapped... yikes. But there could also be other reasons that individuals do not wish to mix their vanilla lives with their kinky lives. And I think it is just as bad to *** them to, as it would be to *** them to do sexual activities that they really don't want to do. Either you accept and work with what you have and build a strong relationship, or you break it off. My suggestion... the next time you want to go out with your sub - ask them if they would like to just go out on a regular vanilla date and that you both keep the kink side of your relationship a secret with anyone you meet - familiar or not. Maybe they're just having difficulty being open with you that this is what they need and if you say this, they might be more receptive to going on a regular date. It might not be the case always - but hey... you never know.
Deleted Member Posted June 29, 2022 Author Posted June 29, 2022 4 hours ago, PanamaJoe said: I would guess it's an issue of divided personalities. Many people forget that before getting into kinky relationships people have already defined their persona to their family, friends and business relationships. And in many cases this persona does not include kink. Like it or not, reputations take a life time to build and seconds to destroy. Perhaps the person who has developed an image as a consummate, level headed professional in his relationships with everyone else, doesn't want to be viewed as a hedonistic, latex loving, love slave craving, bondage desperate masochist. Although there are many people who are open in their kinks (and good for them btw), there are even more people who simply are not willing to let go of a huge number of relationships in order to be so open. They value these 'vanilla' relationships more and don't really feel like anyone else needs to know about their kinks except who they decide are trustworthy enough to share them with. And here is the problem - if they are in a kinky relationship with you, they don't necessarily want to go to the same restaurants and places where they will run into their vanilla friends and explain to them the... relationship... they have with you. As a dom, you can be completely open about your kinks with everyone you know - but you can't expect your sub to feel the same way. So either you will participate in their subterfuge, or you will break it off. Anyway - that's just my take on it because I'm in the same boat. I'd love to find a woman who is the consummate caring wife to the rest of the world, but a 24/7 dominatrix at home behind closed doors. Talk about being trapped... yikes. But there could also be other reasons that individuals do not wish to mix their vanilla lives with their kinky lives. And I think it is just as bad to *** them to, as it would be to *** them to do sexual activities that they really don't want to do. Either you accept and work with what you have and build a strong relationship, or you break it off. My suggestion... the next time you want to go out with your sub - ask them if they would like to just go out on a regular vanilla date and that you both keep the kink side of your relationship a secret with anyone you meet - familiar or not. Maybe they're just having difficulty being open with you that this is what they need and if you say this, they might be more receptive to going on a regular date. It might not be the case always - but hey... you never know. So I don't really follow this thought process. What ever I do with a woman in our living space is irrelevant to the rest of the world. As far as they should be concerned she's just my girlfriend (who I happen to have lots of kinky sex with in private). I don't think this *** really makes sense, isn't it far more normal to have a boyfriend who you introduce to people than a guy you sneak around with playing BDSM?
PanamaJoe Posted June 29, 2022 Posted June 29, 2022 46 minutes ago, Mathbro said: What ever I do with a woman in our living space is irrelevant to the rest of the world. As far as they should be concerned she's just my girlfriend (who I happen to have lots of kinky sex with in private). Well... suppose you take her to a restaurant and you both start talking about your last session and all the fun stuff you did. Then she realizes her boss or gossip loving 'friend' or coworker is sitting at the next table and overheard all of the kinky stuff you both did. Maybe some people want to avoid such situations (where everyone in the office discovers their kinks). Maybe she hasn't told her family about you yet and then a friend or family member spots you two together. I think it would be quite normal for them to ask her, "So who is your new friend? How serious are you two? When will we get the chance to meet him and get to know him? Are you going to get married?" And when you meet the family... what are you going to say when you've had a few extra shots? But these are just awkward scenarios that I'm coming up with. I mean... if people really want to keep their vanilla life separate from their fetish life - they can decide to do so. Their reasons are their own. But they can't *** you to do the same, so they exclude you from that life. I think your viewpoint that you can separate your girlfriend from the rest of the world is incorrect. If she doesn't have many connections to the rest of the world - it might be true. But if she does have many connections - it's a different ballgame. I mean say you just discovered your daughter has been dating someone for 5 months. Would you be interested in knowing something about them? Wouldn't you be curious if there's a possibility your girl is going to get married? Perhaps you yourself wouldn't be interested - but your mistake is thinking that everyone else thinks the same way you do. Otherwise, maybe it's too much of a hassle or to embarrassing for your girlfriend to explain it to you fully - so she keeps you in the dark. I mean... maybe her father is a drunk... maybe he is strict religiously... maybe she has an overbearing mother... maybe they wouldn't approve. There really are an infinite number of reasons why a person may want to keep their lives separate and one of the biggest may be that she just doesn't want to explain herself to people she feels obligated to. Or she doesn't want to be ***d into that position. Their reasons for keeping their lives separate may not be rational... but then... it's not rational to want to be tied up in latex and have sex either right? Sexual preference is the epitome of non rational behavior. Your initial question though indicated that there is something you don't understand about why some girls don't want to go on normal dates. I could come up with another hundred scenarios about why - but it's all guess work - I can never say for sure. If they don't want to tell you, then you can either work on the level of trust in the relationship to the point that she will explain why - or you may have to accept never knowing their reasons - which is not good for a real relationship. Others have suggested that some people don't want to spoil their fantasy by including you in their vanilla life - and that's also a possible scenario, but I tend to view people as very complex social creatures who don't tend to do things for very rational reasons. I think every person has their own mental, social and ***r pressures that they deal with every day, and they don't want to 'rock the boat' and change these dynamics based on them still experimenting and trying to understand their own sexual preferences. ie - they may not even be sure if they want a BDSM relationship for the rest of their lives. Maybe it's a phase for them or they view it that way. And if they're not sure... why would they want to mix that experimental fetish life into their well established vanilla life? And guess which life you're a part of. Anyway... just my opinion... take it for what you will.
sW**** Posted July 2, 2022 Posted July 2, 2022 And some people have fetishes, which means they literally can't climax unless they have X (***, restraint...). So, the relationship may be sexual and kinky but not romantic, too. And others are demisexual or asexual, but they derive physical pleasure from a BDSM activity even though it isn't strictly sexual. And some kinks don't involve sex, but the relationship is taboo so...kinky. And just like in romantic relationships, some BDSM relationships are strictly and happily monogamous.
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