Advice on finding/cultivating a relationship with a dominant safely.

[na****]

Hi there. I've always loved the idea of femdom and being with a woman who will indulge me in feeling submissive, controlled and obedient, but have absolutely no experience with such a partner. Obviously I hope that to change but I've been running into a few problems navigating the world of power exchanges without feeling entirely out of my depth.

Firstly I should mention that I absolutely want to avoid paying someone to dom me. Even if I felt I could safely afford such a thing, I don't want the kind of relationship that is entirely dependant on *** - I want someone who will really genuinely enjoy my company. I realise this severely limits my options but that's OK. I’m willing to put the time and effort into building a genuine relationship.

So the main problem then is finding potential partners who would be open to such a kinky relationship while avoiding those who are more interested in taking advantage of my desired power dynamic to extract *** from me. Thankfully, most dommes are up front with their expectations for tributes and the like, but I have also run into those who will waste time and hopes appearing interested without monetary compensation only to later begin demanding it.

Which brings me to my questions. First, am I actually being completely unreasonable in hoping for a relationship with a dominant woman that doesn't involve ***? I talk a lot about my own desires in this post, but have considered that perhaps the reality is that virtually no woman would be fulfilled in such a relationship (such that seeking one is only asking for disappointment).

If not, what advice would you give on effectively starting this type of relationship? Are there any red flags I should keep an eye out for, or vice versa? Would I actually be better off searching for a partner outside of the BDSM community and hope they will be receptive in exploring my kinks?

Any answers or commentary are welcome. I'd rather learn sooner than later if I need to drastically change my approach or expectations, so don’t worry if what you have to say isn’t reassuring. 

 

Thanks, Nab.

[3S****]

I don't agree it's taking advantage to ask for *** for services provided but i understand you want something more intimate than a service.

 

All you have to do is find someone dominant who wants what you have to offer and likes the look of you and wants to give you what you seek in return. It's never easy finding a relaionship, it's been 7 yrs since my last s/d one and 3or 4 yrs since my last vanilla one.

[BigPolly]

Firstly if a woman is approaching you for *** on here & she doesn’t not have a registered profile stating that her dominance is a paid service then you need to report it. The world of kink is much harder to find a match than vanilla relationships. You are not only trying to find someone you have a connection with on a personal level, you also then need to match kinks & that’s really hard although not impossible just don’t expect quick results. You can also widen your search by being more active on here, attending munches & going to fet clubs or events. There are many many D/s relationships & many of which where the woman as the D so it’s not an unreasonable or impossible request but it does take a lot of patience to find the right one for you

Edited October 17, 2018 by BigPolly

[na****]

First of all, thank you for the replies.

 

9 hours ago, 3SumQueen said:

I don't agree it's taking advantage to ask for *** for services provided but i understand you want something more intimate than a service.

I want to make it clear that I have no problem whatsoever with those who are upfront about asking for *** in return for domming services. It's just I have had a few encounters in the past where this was not made clear initially, and it was only revealed they wished for compensation after I had already invested time into trying to initiate a relationship with someone who seemed receptive without asking for payment. This not only wastes both of our time (because I'm not interested in that) but I also do believe it can catch out those like myself who enter into a discussion with someone naively, and are subsequently coerced into parting with their *** in hopes of continuing the "relationship" because it doesn't occur to them that leading others on to generate a false sense of investment and genuine connection was the gameplan all along. 

I don't undervalue the role of personal responsibility in spotting and avoiding such behaviour, but that's why I asked for tips for me to implement to help avoid it in the future. During the time taken for this post to be approved I did somewhat answer this question myself and I think I identified where I was going wrong. For the sake of any others reading this in the future, I'll share what I've learned. This is probably quite common knowledge, and my fault for not doing enough research before diving in. 

My first mistake was seeking those who present as "dommes looking for submissives" and immediately assume the roles as described and expect you to as well. Initially, I thought this was just a bit of fun but in reality it seems to just cause a great deal of confusion as these people end up actually expecting I am simply going to submit to their will without so much as a single level-headed discussion about the nature of any potential relationship. I now make it abundantly clear that I will not tolerate those who expect me to drop at their feet without even a "how do you do?" and dynamic is going to have to emerge naturally as each of us gains trust in the relationship. 

Secondly, the moment there is any doubt, I immediately make it clear that I do not want to, and simply will not provide *** in exchange for whatever they are offering. This usually means that even if someone is immediately not up front with their intentions I can very quickly filter out those who are looking to provide that kind of service as they won't waste their time trying to entice me further. I didn't do this before because I was afraid I might insult someone by implying they have ulterior motives when they did not, but now I see it as necessary and just try my best not make any questions sound like an accusation. 

In short, I've realised I should still search for those who might be receptive to me being submissive to them, but not while acting like a submissive. This makes sense because the only people I wish to be submissive to anyway are those who I can be sure respect me while I am not playing that role as well. 

 

Quote

Firstly if a woman is approaching you for *** on here & she doesn’t not have a registered profile stating that her dominance is a paid service then you need to report it.

I have done this, though the specific details make things less clear cut. 

 

Overall, I'm much happier and more optimistic about searching for the right partner now that I've sorted out some proper ground rules for myself to help me avoid frustrating and demoralising wild goose chases. I knew not to expect expedient results but wasn't quite prepared for having to be so cautious about warding off people who definitely aren't what I'm looking for. 

 

Thanks again.

[BigPolly]

9 hours ago, nabnab2 said:

In short, I've realised I should still search for those who might be receptive to me being submissive to them, but not while acting like a submissive. This makes sense because the only people I wish to be submissive to anyway are those who I can be sure respect me while I am not playing that role as well. 

It takes a strong person to be a sub, you have to truly know who you are & what you want before you are willing to hand control over to someone else so what you are saying makes perfect sense.

a Dom(me) cannot Dominate without your gift of submission so you are just as much of an important & powerful role in a D/s dynamic. 

And like you say, striking up a conversation is very important rather than someone just hounding you with rules & demands. Don’t accept anyone talking to you on here any other way than they would face to face be that in context of conversation or with lack of conversation.

The fact that you can already see all of this clearly means you are already one step ahead in getting what you desire. 

Good luck 😁

[ey****]

I don't want to steer too much in the wrong direction.

But; always be cautious protesting too much about *** as it can make you sound cheap even if this is not your intention.

The other thing is that if you're talking about power exchange, then handing someone control of your finances IS a form of power exchange.

But still.
My Mistress does not control my expenditure - but does with (at least) one of Her other subs.  Bespoke arrangements for bespoke relationships.

OK.

So, if you wish to avoid the Pro Domme path this does leave you with two other options.

Option 1 is one you raised which is to find someone outside of kink and introduce them to it.
I know there are those who've had success doing this but it comes with it's own challenges.   You may end up doing a lot of topping from the bottom and shaping them to service your fantasies which is a bit questionable as of if it's power exchange.  This is also very dependent on you having a strong knowledge of BDSM.  Which you might have, but you see where this goes wrong.

Option 2.  Get involved in kink scenes - either something local or nearby.  The UK is very well connected with trains and given I once got stranded in your city after a rather amazing afternoon in London - I know you're not that from the capital.

See online as a subsidy for real life rather than a substitute.

Don't necessarily run straight to the nearest fetish party - munches and workshops are a much better way to make friends, meet people and enhance your knowledge and while there can be much fun at events they're also difficult to meet people at. 
 
Also if you're opposed to spending ***, approaching someone and them sending you to the bar for 2 cocktails for themself and their friend may offend.

There are Pro's who visit munches, but they certainly don't tout for business - and you're far more likely to meet people who are not Pro.

But, be warned - everything you think you know is probably wrong and probably based on pro or porn tropes - and so even getting some form of play is going to take time, becoming known, building trust.

You may hit lucky, but you probably won't.  
It will take time.

There's also other factors you need to be aware of yourself regarding what you are looking for.
Are you looking for a Mistress who is only your Dominant?
Or a Romantic Partner whom is also your Mistress?
Are you willing to be part of a polyandry set up (where one Lady is served by many subs) or does it have to be monogamous?

It's important to be honest to yourself here because whilst it does begin to limit your "options" it also ensures you don't find yourself in a situation you're not happy with.

Other red flags - look out for dangerous players - try to research those you wish to serve.  If you don't know what is dangerous, that's something else you're going to need to learn...

Good luck.

[na****]

Thanks again for the replies.

22 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

But; always be cautious protesting too much about *** as it can make you sound cheap even if this is not your intention.

The other thing is that if you're talking about power exchange, then handing someone control of your finances IS a form of power exchange.

I agree that both of these things are true, however being scared of being seen as "cheap" is partially what led me to the frustration of running into those who pose as people not looking to provide a monetary service but nonetheless are. When I am reaching out to a stranger asking for clarification of what kind of service they offer I don't think it's at all unreasonable to state my intentions up front (I only do this with those who's profiles read a bit like adverts, but with no mention of rates, if any. Obviously, messaging other members just for chatting it would be strange to bring up ***). If someone who doesn't expect my *** anyway is somehow put off that I wanted to clarify that then it doesn't make much sense but I can live with that.

And I'm aware that some people enjoy power exchanges involving finances, but it doesn't appeal to me and I'm definitely not going to engage in it with a complete stranger who could just as easily take any *** and run. Again, no judgements on those who get a kick out of taking such a risk, but frankly I think I'd get more out of using the *** to buy lottery tickets than giving it to some potentially dishonest catfish. 

 

22 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I know there are those who've had success doing this but it comes with it's own challenges.   You may end up doing a lot of topping from the bottom and shaping them to service your fantasies which is a bit questionable as of if it's power exchange.  This is also very dependent on you having a strong knowledge of BDSM.  Which you might have, but you see where this goes wrong.

I understand I'm not the one with more experience in BDSM here, but I can't help but feel you're straying into gatekeeping territory here. I am a fairly young guy who wants to dip his toes into BDSM and find someone to help him explore it safely and enjoyably. It is almost a certainty in my mind that I will not be comfortable with jumping into the deep end of total power exchanges. In fact, this is almost the very crux of this entire thread on the topic. Frankly, I'm not too worried if what I'm doing with someone isn't a proper power exchange and involves, especially at first, some topping from the bottom to ensure we are both comfortable and can find our limits in a safe environment. 

The only reason I'm bringing this up is because it can feel like at times there's an impression that if you aren't willing to engage in some activities in a certain way then you're doing it "wrong." I understand that part of the joy of BDSM and especially submission is occasionally pushing people out of their comfort zones, it's just a bit off-putting to get the impression there's only a specific way to enjoy elements of BDSM. I understand this may not be at all what you intended to convey, but I thought I'd mention it nonetheless.

 

Finally, I just want to say that I realise I created this thread asking for advice, and I don't want it to seem like I did that just to criticise that advice. I really do appreciate you taking the time to give your more informed opinions on the topic. It's gone a long way towards helping me figure out what I'm really looking for. I was saying to someone in the chat yesterday that BDSM feels like this vast ocean of possibilities compared to the relative paddling pool of what is considered "vanilla" in terms of relationships, and it's amazing that people here are so eager to help others navigate it. So, thank you again for your input, I can assure you it's not gone to waste.

[ey****]

An important thing about BDSM - no matter what anyone tells you, or how they may come across (wilfully or not) there are no right ways, no specific ways and no one true way... (but there are many wrong ways)

So yes, you can grow things with someone you met outside of kink - but for me this asks some of it's own questions.    

Straw scenario : you meet someone and start a relationship or dating - how long do you leave it before signifying you wish to be in a D/s dynamic with them? How do you respond if it's a "no" especially in an otherwise happy relationship?   And, I don't need an answer on the thread - but these are scenarios to think about.

My relationship with my wife - we'd been together 5 years before we discussed kink together properly (although, she always knew I had a foot fetish - and some other fetishes she was less keen to indulge) and I wasn't missing kink before we introduced it - but - if you go into something already knowing it's what you want, it can be challenging.

It is worth looking at munches and events.  Even if it's just to get a feel.  How this works can be variable as the crowd and so forth can vary between munch to munch - but there's likely to be some whom are experienced and some finding their feet - and I still don't believe it's possible to have too many friends.   

It also lacks the online problem of *** suddenly being sprang.  Which I know can be a problem.

[ElleFire]

Hi Nabs - You know I'm new to this world, and started out thinking I was sub all the way. I've learned I'm really a switch, and have recently acquired a pet of my own. It seems like you are hoping for something similar to what I've got with pet, and I just wanted to tell you not to give up!  There are Dommes out there who want the power exchange in the context of a caring relationship. I think I got lucky in finding pet (or maybe he's the lucky one!) but it can happen. It's impossible to say, of course, how long it will last, but for now it's an amazing experience on both sides. Good luck!