Vetting

[Su****]

How long do you Vett? What are some Red Flags?

[4R****]

Here's something I wrote a few years ago on red flags.... "Fifty Shades of Nope"

 

Navigating the minefield that is this lifestyle we come across all kinds of characters and many are lovely, honest and real 'lifestylers'. But there are also many that you will come across that you might quickly realise that you’d be best to avoid. Whilst more so in the 'online' world, this still applies when attending events etc. 

There are lots of signs of bad behaviour within this lifestyle and there is no way I could list all of them. But after surveying members of my online groups and talking to people in my local community I’ve come up with a list of the top 50 things that should at least make you sit up and pay attention. Just because a person is displaying a few of these behaviours, it doesn’t make them a bad person and of course, some people may be enjoy some of the behaviours.

    1. A real Dominant would know what I’m thinking, I shouldn’t need to tell them.
    2. You will put all of the effort into this, you are here to serve me, not the other way around.
    3. Don't ask questions, just obey me. I know what's right and wrong!
    4. Don't come to me with your emotions, I don't do emotions, THAT's what your friends are for.
    5. Don't talk to others for advice, the only opinion you need is mine.
    6. Opening message - "Hello slave, I am your new Master!"
    7. Hi. I didn’t read your profile, but I want a relationship with you.
    8. I want lots of Doms to get kinky with.
    9. I just met you, send me an x-rated picture / here’s a picture that you didn’t ask for.
    10. I see you’re in a relationship; no one needs to know about us. I can be your dirty little secret.
    11. You need to prove you're real so I want you to get naked on a video call.
    12. Answer my message now! - How dare you ignore it?
    13. I turn into a needy idiot when my Dom is around but a I'm a complete bitch when he's not.
    14. I violated your consent, but it is okay because I'll just say sorry and you'll forgive me. 
    15. I want ALL your attention, ALL the time. I come before everyone else (including your kids/work).
    16. I want to be the centre of your world; you only need me in your life. 
    17. I’m a Dominant, You must call me Sir/Master/Daddy right from the word go. 
    18. I’m going to throw a tantrum until I get what I want. (This could be either side of the slash)
    19. I can have as many Doms/subs as I want without consulting you.
    20. I’m your Dom, I will decide who your friends are and who you can or can't speak to.
    21. I’m your Dom, you should be afraid of me and my power over you.
    22. If you don't do what I say I will post your pictures online in a public forum or at least call you out as a fake.
    23. I'm a Dom, I don't make mistakes. I'm never wrong.
    24. I'm a Dominant, you must obey me (even though you're not MY submissive)
    25. I'm going to manipulate you and play Build-a-Dominant. 
    26. I'm going to share you because you are my property.
    27. I'm going to trick you into making mistakes so that I can harshly punish you for them.
    28. I'm safe, You don't need a safety system, safe word or safe call.
    29. It’s been 2 days and he/she loves you more anything in the world. 
    30. It’s been 3 messages, here are the rules you will follow, there will be no negotiation.
    31. I've been in the lifestyle for 200 years and I know everything. I have nothing else to learn.
    32. I've never met you but I want to be your live in slave 24/7.
    33. Let us have our first meeting in a hotel room, or one of our places and play. 
    34. Hello? Where are you? I can see you've been online, Are you ignoring me? It’s been two weeks…..
    35. I'm 18 and have been in the lifestyle for 20 minutes so know everything - Call me Master
    36. My Dom/sub has done XY or Z and I'm upset so instead of talking to them about it privately, I've decided to slag them off in public.
    37. Oh you are so special, says my "copy & paste" message of genuineness. 
    38. Once you've submitted to me, I own you and I can do as I please. You have no rights.
    39. Send me money/gifts to prove your devotion to me.
    40. Show me how much you want to submit to me by sending me naked pictures/videos.
    41. This is all about Me, you are just here to serve me!
    42. We’ve been talking for 4 days, why haven’t you changed your relationship status?
    43. We’ve spoken for 30 seconds, lets get on Camera. 
    44. We'll do this because I like it, I don't care if it's a hard limit for you.
    45. You need me, I’m the answer to making your life better. 
    46. You want me to do housework? Make Me! (Then calls red or cries abuse)
    47. You’re a sub, you should show Me proper respect.
    48. You’re not beating me so you’re not a real Dominant. 
    49. You’re not obeying my Mastery Domly-Dominance; you’re not a real sub. 
    50. You've just commented in a thread and they put "Add Me/Inbox Me" or send a friend request without asking first. 

So there you go. Fifty things to watch out for in your interactions. Some are geared for online and others may be in person (or both). Remember they're only pointers, but if you spot any of these signs it should make you look deeper at the person you’re interacting with and really evaluate if that person is right for you.
 

[sk****]

as long as it takes

[Su****]

27 minutes ago, SirArchA said:

Here's something I wrote a few years ago on red flags.... "Fifty Shades of Nope"

 

Navigating the minefield that is this lifestyle we come across all kinds of characters and many are lovely, honest and real 'lifestylers'. But there are also many that you will come across that you might quickly realise that you’d be best to avoid. Whilst more so in the 'online' world, this still applies when attending events etc. 

There are lots of signs of bad behaviour within this lifestyle and there is no way I could list all of them. But after surveying members of my online groups and talking to people in my local community I’ve come up with a list of the top 50 things that should at least make you sit up and pay attention. Just because a person is displaying a few of these behaviours, it doesn’t make them a bad person and of course, some people may be enjoy some of the behaviours.

    1. A real Dominant would know what I’m thinking, I shouldn’t need to tell them.
    2. You will put all of the effort into this, you are here to serve me, not the other way around.
    3. Don't ask questions, just obey me. I know what's right and wrong!
    4. Don't come to me with your emotions, I don't do emotions, THAT's what your friends are for.
    5. Don't talk to others for advice, the only opinion you need is mine.
    6. Opening message - "Hello slave, I am your new Master!"
    7. Hi. I didn’t read your profile, but I want a relationship with you.
    8. I want lots of Doms to get kinky with.
    9. I just met you, send me an x-rated picture / here’s a picture that you didn’t ask for.
    10. I see you’re in a relationship; no one needs to know about us. I can be your dirty little secret.
    11. You need to prove you're real so I want you to get naked on a video call.
    12. Answer my message now! - How dare you ignore it?
    13. I turn into a needy idiot when my Dom is around but a I'm a complete bitch when he's not.
    14. I violated your consent, but it is okay because I'll just say sorry and you'll forgive me. 
    15. I want ALL your attention, ALL the time. I come before everyone else (including your kids/work).
    16. I want to be the centre of your world; you only need me in your life. 
    17. I’m a Dominant, You must call me Sir/Master/Daddy right from the word go. 
    18. I’m going to throw a tantrum until I get what I want. (This could be either side of the slash)
    19. I can have as many Doms/subs as I want without consulting you.
    20. I’m your Dom, I will decide who your friends are and who you can or can't speak to.
    21. I’m your Dom, you should be afraid of me and my power over you.
    22. If you don't do what I say I will post your pictures online in a public forum or at least call you out as a fake.
    23. I'm a Dom, I don't make mistakes. I'm never wrong.
    24. I'm a Dominant, you must obey me (even though you're not MY submissive)
    25. I'm going to manipulate you and play Build-a-Dominant. 
    26. I'm going to share you because you are my property.
    27. I'm going to trick you into making mistakes so that I can harshly punish you for them.
    28. I'm safe, You don't need a safety system, safe word or safe call.
    29. It’s been 2 days and he/she loves you more anything in the world. 
    30. It’s been 3 messages, here are the rules you will follow, there will be no negotiation.
    31. I've been in the lifestyle for 200 years and I know everything. I have nothing else to learn.
    32. I've never met you but I want to be your live in slave 24/7.
    33. Let us have our first meeting in a hotel room, or one of our places and play. 
    34. Hello? Where are you? I can see you've been online, Are you ignoring me? It’s been two weeks…..
    35. I'm 18 and have been in the lifestyle for 20 minutes so know everything - Call me Master
    36. My Dom/sub has done XY or Z and I'm upset so instead of talking to them about it privately, I've decided to slag them off in public.
    37. Oh you are so special, says my "copy & paste" message of genuineness. 
    38. Once you've submitted to me, I own you and I can do as I please. You have no rights.
    39. Send me money/gifts to prove your devotion to me.
    40. Show me how much you want to submit to me by sending me naked pictures/videos.
    41. This is all about Me, you are just here to serve me!
    42. We’ve been talking for 4 days, why haven’t you changed your relationship status?
    43. We’ve spoken for 30 seconds, lets get on Camera. 
    44. We'll do this because I like it, I don't care if it's a hard limit for you.
    45. You need me, I’m the answer to making your life better. 
    46. You want me to do housework? Make Me! (Then calls red or cries abuse)
    47. You’re a sub, you should show Me proper respect.
    48. You’re not beating me so you’re not a real Dominant. 
    49. You’re not obeying my Mastery Domly-Dominance; you’re not a real sub. 
    50. You've just commented in a thread and they put "Add Me/Inbox Me" or send a friend request without asking first. 

So there you go. Fifty things to watch out for in your interactions. Some are geared for online and others may be in person (or both). Remember they're only pointers, but if you spot any of these signs it should make you look deeper at the person you’re interacting with and really evaluate if that person is right for you.
 

Thank you! I am so new to this lifestyle and I know I am vulnerable to getting the wrong type of people coming into my DM’s.

[Deleted Member]

Vetting is meant to see if there is a match and to build mutual trust and that lasts as long as it is necessary. Several submissives I know indicate that they use vetting to get an answer to the question "Do I trust this D with my life". If the answer is no, then they do not enter into dynamics with this D.

[ur****]

I've been learning to take it as long as it needs to make us both confortable

[42****]

Over stepping the boundaries you have set. I.e only you don't want to swap phone numbers, but they make excuses as to why they can't use this 'app' all the time you have met on.

Degrading you in messages without consent about what can be said.

Not accepting you have a life and are not online all the time. And even if you are, it's your time. You prioritise who you like. Hopefully yourself first and foremost.

Bombarding you with messages

Being too keen.

Asking you to meet at there's when you have never met them, and/or spoken much to them.

Have not done research into the current position they want to do, as a newbie, and are not interested in doing research. Just want a lazy shag, to boss you about a bit and call themselves a Dominant.

Wants multiple partners and you are not allowed.

No open communication.

Controls you to a level that feels uncomfortable, even via messaging.

Comes across as aggressive.

And I will say it again. Over stepping your BOUNDARIES. Make sure you have them. You know what they are in your head. Stay firm, stand strong, say no. You don't even need to explain. Just say no! Then walk away...

[Fa****]

I think that list of 50 is a good list of 50 examples of insecure behavior. So when you encounter something like the examples in that list that’s insecure, pay attention to it. Some So called “Dominants” label themselves as such to mask insecurity. And over time red flags eventually expose them. Because a true dominant wouldn’t be insecurely needy, jealous, controlling, or manipulative. So watch out for someone that uses their power to hide thise insecurities. Ultimately, it comes down to paying attention to your gutt. And as skinny_playboy mentioned, watch out for as long as it takes.

[Fa****]

I would caution one thing though. Don’t be overly cautious and make assumptions either. If you have questions, ask. If you’re concerned, bring it up to your dominant. There might be a reason something came up that you’re not aware of yet. So yet another reason to make sure you’re comfortable communicating.

[ke****]

People not knowing what they want in a person. Indecisive people and close minded people and definitely selfish people

[ke****]

My red flags are:
Close minded people. I believe that people should be open minded and at least give new things a try at least more than once so they know what it feels like before making a judgement.
Poor communication or course
Selfish people. People that only care for themselves and and take things from without a care in the world.

[ke****]

Oh well. Two more things indecisive people. Not knowing what you want or at least going for it.
Lastly the whole I got have a spark within a day or two after having a good times with the other people and then pretend to be their friends lol

[ur****]

How can you differ indecisive with nervous novices?

[Lord_Talion]

The vetting process never stops

[Deleted Member]

Someone who says the have no hard limits.

[Mr****]

Depends on the person…. One took several months another the attraction was explosive

[ke****]

33 minutes ago, urso_brasilia said:

How can you differ indecisive with nervous novices?

That is a good question idk. I always get stuck with people who say that want something and then take it and can’t make up their minds

[Su****]

12 minutes ago, jzarvey said:

Someone who says the have no hard limits.

I get that… I am so new that most limits are soft until someone says something like cutting… then I put that down as a hard Limit. Most of my limits are soft. As it’s open for discussion

[Mr****]

I love you guys!!!! See this is how we do it we talk it out and teach! I had a rough night at work and you guys made it infinitely better!

[Mr****]

But I’m also esque I’ve never had sex and BDSM together at the same time….. I’m working in that direction.

[Mo****]

Honestly, if someone has good grammar I'll f**k them at this point

[Deleted Member]

44 minutes ago, SubBae said:

I get that… I am so new that most limits are soft until someone says something like cutting… then I put that down as a hard Limit. Most of my limits are soft. As it’s open for discussion

Whenever I get a sub that gives that answer, my next question is, "Then you won't mind donating to my pinky finger collection? I have gardening shears right here." Suddenly, the hard limits come out.

[Mr****]

I ask then if I can fist them and make them my personal hand puppet that usually scares them enough to be real with me lol

[ur****]

I'm curious about your personal hand puppet

[Mr****]

Lol