Questions from a newbie

January 28

Hello! I’m 23, female and a sub (I think) I’m currently in a relationship with a woman for about a year now & recently we’ve been having some disconnect regarding our sex life (mostly my fault). Since I’m pretty new to this lifestyle and still figuring things out I’d love a chance to chat with more experienced people.

In the beginning we had amazing sex all the time where ever we could and there were no issues regarding compatibility. Recently though I’ve been having a hard time engaging in sex and almost no desire to have any and it’s caused a few conversations but with no resolution.

Help a girl out! ❤️

January 28

At least you're talking, that's good
You said you have a lack of desire for sex. In general? Or just the kind of sex you've been having? People's desires can change, or even go away over time, that's completely normal, and no matter how much you talk about it, there may not be a resolution.
The most important thing for you to remember is that however or whatever you feel, it's okay for you to feel that.

January 28

I think the answer probably lies within - is there something specific that has triggered this development? May not even be to do with your relationship, stress at work can be a factor for example, or change of circumstances, money worries, health concerns or a myriad of other things.
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So think you first need to try and figure out what changed.
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Open and honest communication with your partner is of course key, sharing concerns, or things that feel off with them will help.
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If you do think it's to do with the relationship, be honest about it and tell her where you think it's going wrong, and what can be done to put it right.
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The mojo is a very strange beast though and can appear and disappear with no real rhyme or reason and be affected by all kinds of factors and not just the obvious - mine often takes long holidays and then suddenly reappears.
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Don't forget too that often at the start of a relationship everything seems "amazing" and then over time that wanes a little as you settle into a relationship - so find ways if you can to re-ignite it.

January 28

Hey Baby 🌟 I think its normal as we evolve continuously, but is there anything that's distracting ur thoughts n desires?? Is it a desire to meet more like minded people to learn from etc...

January 28

This happens in relationships unfortunately but can try to make more effort

January 28

I think that despite anecdotal experience - this is something which may be better taking to a professional who can understand both of you and your needs.

do you know what would increase your enjoyment of sex? are you enjoying other aspects aside from sex?

January 28

First you need to go to your doctor and see if you have a hormone imbalance... Second you need to talk with your partner and ask her to help you with this issue, third always remember this is about fun, enjoyment, and pleasure... Don't ever overthink yourself because you will stress yourself out and lose the moment... Be who you are naturally and let her guide you.... If she is your Dom she will always guide you in the right direction...

January 28

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I think that despite anecdotal experience - this is something which may be better taking to a professional who can understand both of you and your needs.

do you know what would increase your enjoyment of sex? are you enjoying other aspects aside from sex?

This! Go see a professional! Couples therapy. Don't wait, if the hole gets bigger it's more difficult to get out of. Don't settle for a therapist that isn't working for you, move on. If you two need to be challenged by your therapist then find one that will. I speak from experience.

January 28

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I believe it’s been my interests that has changed from the type of sex we’ve had previously but I haven’t been able to figure out what I want now and talking to people with different opinions and such seemed like a start

January 28

2 hours ago, MrJohnson said:

At least you're talking, that's good
You said you have a lack of desire for sex. In general? Or just the kind of sex you've been having? People's desires can change, or even go away over time, that's completely normal, and no matter how much you talk about it, there may not be a resolution.
The most important thing for you to remember is that however or whatever you feel, it's okay for you to feel that.

I believe my ‘kinks’ or interests have changed as this is my first really healthy relationship and I feel valued for more than just sex. I’m leaning towards a bit of a softer side of a d/s relationship but having a hard time pinpointing exactly what it is hence the post.

January 28

Like it was mentioned, if you can afford see a professional to help figure yourself. If no money, or just to start your brain, do a list of Pros, Cons and Kink. For few days, write down anything that pops in your head, but don't read it. After few days, read the list. After figuring out a direction, then talk to your partner. Makes no sense in talking to your partner, if you can't make sense for yourself. I hope you understand the meaning.

Edited January 28 by kiseu

January 28

3 hours ago, Babyduhh said:

I believe my ‘kinks’ or interests have changed as this is my first really healthy relationship and I feel valued for more than just sex. I’m leaning towards a bit of a softer side of a d/s relationship but having a hard time pinpointing exactly what it is hence the post.

These things will change and evolve as you find yourself in this community it's important to do research on different kinks and experiment with one's that interest you. As you find yourself, you will find what you like and don't like. Then you can talk to and work with your domme to find a sex routine that works for you. By routine I mean you can figure what kinds of sex you like/want and how often. And you can find alternatives to do for times when you aren't in the mood for the usual stuff.

I've had some similar issues in NY relationship where we used to have great and crazy sex in the beginning but now it's kind of meh and a lot of the time I'm not interested. For me it's because I'm dealing with a lot of stress and depression. If this may be an issue with you, I suggest seeing a therapist or psychiatrist and maybe getting on some medication. If you'd like to chat more about this, feel free to DM.

January 28

Do you have no desire to have sex at all or just no desire to have sex with her?

January 28

I'd say bdsm and kink cam involve conventional sex but does not have to...

January 28

It is my suggestion to look inwardly to what you need in kink,sex and life. There is a book called "Love languages" and I have read, done the test and discussion about it. It help me define my core needs to share with a partner and understand me. Along with continuing learning in kinky activity then learn about you.

January 29

7 hours ago, battle-ground363 said:

Do you have no desire to have sex at all or just no desire to have sex with her?

I still have a desire to please her but my want to receive has been what’s off if that makes sense

January 29

3 hours ago, phoenix406682 said:

It is my suggestion to look inwardly to what you need in kink,sex and life. There is a book called "Love languages" and I have read, done the test and discussion about it. It help me define my core needs to share with a partner and understand me. Along with continuing learning in kinky activity then learn about you.

I’ll have to look into that. Thank you!!

January 29

It sounds like you’re giving yourself a hard time about not wanting to receive. That kind of pressure isn’t going to help. Maybe it’s time to allow yourself to explore this dynamic of more giving and less receiving. Our preferences can be fluid sometimes so just let them flow in and flow out. The more you judge the flow or try to control the flow the more chaotic it will feel. Even when it might actually be something you can learn to appreciate… or even enjoy! Give it some time. See what this flow has in store for you.

January 29

Female viagra.

January 29

One of the biggest thing I could tell you is… rarely listen to what others say! Talk to your partner and explain to them what’s going on. How you feel and try to work things out.

Are you sexually attracted to her? Has she done something to make you not attracted to her anymore? This could be many things, like how she talks to you, does she have good hygiene, does she keep up an effort to look good?

What are YOU feelings do you still have feelings for her? Feeling change all the time, that “spark” does go away… but hopefully you still have that friend. That you’re happy with.

January 29

1 hour ago, thomas7878 said:

One of the biggest thing I could tell you is… rarely listen to what others say!

Excuse me, but OP did write this.🤷‍♀️

"Since I’m pretty new to this lifestyle and still figuring things out I’d love a chance to chat with more experienced people."

And...

"Help a girl out! ❤️"

January 29

Feelings ebb and flow over time and so does sex drive and sexual feelings. You may go through periods of time where your interest wanes, but it will often bounce back. There rarely is any such thing as “perfect” sexual compatibility… your sexual cycles may vary from each other, being out of sync. Just be patient with yourself and with her. And it’s very common for a woman to not be “in the mood” at the beginning, but does get warmed up and get into it with proper foreplay.