Ne**** Posted February 8, 2023 Posted February 8, 2023 Hi all, I’m pretty new to the sex positive lifestyle and BDSM/multiple partners. It’s something I enjoy overall but I’ve noticed I struggle with saying no or stop in some settings where the play has already begun with something I was okay with but then progresses to something I’m not. I’m hoping some people can give me advice. Most recent example, my fwb invited me to a gangbang last weekend (multiple girls there) and I ended up playing (because I wanted to) but once I started playing with someone I was interested in, I didn’t know how to kindly reject someone I wasn’t interested in. It feels shallow, and maybe it is, but there were some folks I really didn’t want to hook up with/kiss/perform oral sex on because they were much older than I’m personally comfortable with or I just didn’t feel attracted/interested. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings though I also feel like I should be able to say no regardless of the setting because it’s still my body and I should be able to choose what I do with it and who I allow inside of it. Also, one or two of the gents were pretty unkempt so I feel like it’s unfair for there to be an expectation to be okay with everyone if not everyone is even willing to clean up or wash their hair. In a setting like a gang bang, does anyone have any suggestions on what I can do/say? Or is the advice to just not go to gangbangs if I’m not okay with hooking up with everyone who might be there. I really appreciate any advice!
Deleted Member Posted February 8, 2023 Posted February 8, 2023 Good question and I say this because I’ve not seen it asked here before. It may have been asked just hadn’t seen it. In aspects of a gangbang situation. Don’t ever feel uncomfortable knowing your limits or expressing your concerns. Afterall it is your body that you have to watch out for and your own personal preferences. I would suggest asking the host who invites you on conditions and members involved before you accept the offer. This may place it in an easy field for you to decide to join or not without any hurt feelings. Another option is to just make your preferences known. Age, criteria’s and such. It’s not hard for others to respect that. You can please some of the people some of the time but you can never please everyone all the time. Good luck.
lo**** Posted February 8, 2023 Posted February 8, 2023 definitely just say no with whatever youre uncomfortable with. if theyre good people they will respect your wishes and if the keep pushing you now know you can't trust them in that regard. you not saying no is telling whoever youre with they can do whtever they want and it can (hopefully not) get to an unsafe or traumatic level if you dont express how youre feeling
Sy**** Posted February 8, 2023 Posted February 8, 2023 Please tell me when you learn, i haven’t found my own no sound yet lol
Da**** Posted February 8, 2023 Posted February 8, 2023 You of course have the right to say no at anytime. Though, what I would recommend, like the first comment above suggested is check first with the host, and know all who is involved. Mainly for safety, you definitely should prod enough, until you feel confident that everyone involved will be clean, and desease free first and foremost! Also, what you got into is a pretty big deal, and is really the sort of thing you should only agree to if you first have built up a lot of trust, history, and good rapport with the host, imo. Having a set of preliminary checks for your own comfort and reassurances is the best way to avoid a situation where you'll regrettably feel reluctant to say no.
lolli-leigh Posted February 8, 2023 Posted February 8, 2023 My opinion may sound harse, but for your safety and others. I would suggest stopping play completely until you have worked through this. You are placing yourself and others you play with at risk. Consent is everything in Bdsm and knowing how to speak up and say no is paramount. totally agree with Darkwave
vl**** Posted February 8, 2023 Posted February 8, 2023 I think you need to work on yourself self confidence first before anything. You don’t owe anything anything. Second you sounds like you bit off more than you can chew, and that’s ok. Third, you should have that conversation with someone you plan on being intimate with( what you like/limits/ what you don’t like) and always update as you go along. If you can’t say what you want with confidence or you feel like someone isn’t going to respect you boundaries-remove yourself from that situation. Listen to your gut is something is off, leave- you don’t need to explain anything to anyone of you don’t feel safe. If it’s not a “fuck yes!” Then don’t do it. Anything who respect you is not going to get their feelings hurt so easily or is going to make you do something you’re not comfortable with. Hope that helps.
CopperKnob Posted February 8, 2023 Posted February 8, 2023 You set your limits prior to playing. What you're happy to do and what you're not. Whoever you're playing with shouldn't cross them. I'm sorry, but I agree with Lolli, if you can't say no you aren't safe. You're putting yourself and others at risk
Ch**** Posted February 8, 2023 Posted February 8, 2023 Saying “no” is hard. As a Dom I also find it hard. Sometimes play in one way is fine, but another is not. That limit is totally acceptable to have. . A gangbang specifically also has an implied consent, which an impact / BDSM scene does not. A good idea is to work out limits first, talk to your friend who is hosting etc. . Maybe write “I’m new, so won’t be doing everything tonight” on your tits with a pen, people get to read it, then ask you what your comfortable with. . It pushes for conversation to a position where you are saying “yes” to activities with an implied “no”, rather than “no” with an implied “yes”. And also gives people an excuse to stare at your tits.
Ne**** Posted February 8, 2023 Author Posted February 8, 2023 I really appreciate everyone’s comments here, they are really helpful. I think a number of you are right and maybe I need to stop playing with anyone who isn’t an already established partner until I can work out being able to say no. The person who invited me was the same person I gave my v-card to 6 months ago so I think part of me just wanted an excuse to see them and was excited they invited me out. I know that’s a lame reason to get into myself into that situation but I’m still learning and am so new to sex and everything (grew up super religious). I honestly didn’t know much about the event until I showed up and was just kinda trusting my friend. I was interested in checking it out though, and he said the crowd that shows up to them are clean and good people. I’m probably still a bit naive to be honest. The experience did open me up to maybe want to try a gang bang in the future but to plan it with specific folks I trust and am into- I feel like that could feel pretty liberating.
Da**** Posted February 8, 2023 Posted February 8, 2023 This explains a lot actually, and I don't fault you for this. I think a lot of us grew up super religious, and I lost my v-card at less than half the age I am now. You especially need to make sure you surrender this kind of power to someone who will ease you in comfortably at your own pace, and relieze just how sensitive and receptive you'll be to the world of kink and sexual exploration. If you want someone to talk to for additional advice, or friendly opinion with guidance, feel free to DM. Just be sure to watch out for some that may take advantage of your lack of experience. Their are a lot of doms out there that really have a lot of self control they need to do before they start controlling other people in a sexual context, as they wish. It took me a while myself really figure out what it looks like to explore my own repressed desires in a healthy manner. Just make sure that you stay safe, and be well!
CopperKnob Posted February 8, 2023 Posted February 8, 2023 14 minutes ago, NewGirl92 said: I really appreciate everyone’s comments here, they are really helpful. I think a number of you are right and maybe I need to stop playing with anyone who isn’t an already established partner until I can work out being able to say no. The person who invited me was the same person I gave my v-card to 6 months ago so I think part of me just wanted an excuse to see them and was excited they invited me out. I know that’s a lame reason to get into myself into that situation but I’m still learning and am so new to sex and everything (grew up super religious). I honestly didn’t know much about the event until I showed up and was just kinda trusting my friend. I was interested in checking it out though, and he said the crowd that shows up to them are clean and good people. I’m probably still a bit naive to be honest. The experience did open me up to maybe want to try a gang bang in the future but to plan it with specific folks I trust and am into- I feel like that could feel pretty liberating. I think we live, learn and make changes to how we live, it's ongoing. I think most of us have been in situations where we wanted to say no but didn't feel able to for whatever reason. I think what I'd comment on is your friend, they should have discussed with you what to expect other than, they're "good and clean people" See if you can find something on consent/limits either a blog, class or webinar. Maybe even reach out to others who can give you guidance as you explore things. They should all help you buikd confidence with setting your limits and being able to en*** them with others
ey**** Posted February 8, 2023 Posted February 8, 2023 "No" is an important tool for anyone's toybox The only time it's ever too late is after you've done something It wouldn't be unreasonable to ask someone to take a quick shower. Also if there are multiple ladies (so more of an orgy than gangbang) saying no to one guy isn't a big issue because he can still be with someone else (and if no one wants to suck/fuck/etc with him then a big question of why he was invited) but part of the thing with GBs is you don't often get to control who is there - so if that is an issue, there's no harm in not doing GBs. Or arranging your own where you cherry pick everyone. But equally, regardless of what was even pre-consented to, you can revoke that any time. Though it is a little easier to rather than be "no, not you" to be a bit "sorry, I need to take a break / I need to leave / etc"
QXX666 Posted February 8, 2023 Posted February 8, 2023 As mentioned below you can stop anytime you feel like it. But make sure you trust 💯 the person who organise your GB, some people might take it badly if you rebuke them. After all you agreed to the set up and they knew about it.
Marquis-64 Posted February 8, 2023 Posted February 8, 2023 My wife and I have been in the scene for a long time, 28 yrs married last Dec. There are 2 key words that you should be thinking of: Communication and Trust. It's through communication with any and all the people you'll be playing with that you build the trust you need to have so that you're sure that they'll 'respect you in the morning' 😉😉. When you have both of those in place there are 2 other words your need. Safewords. We use RED and Yellow. It's easy to get caught up in the moment and suddenly something untoward happens. If you say RED or shake your head VIGEROUSLY side to side, whatever your partner is doing must STOP IMMEDIATELY. Without any hesitation. If you say Yellow, the play stops and may continue if its just something that needs to be fixed, e.g., a binding has slipped. When you're invited to a 'play party', be it a gangbang or an orgy or a dungeon event, you should know who else is going to be there. You may not know everyone but at least if there are others there that you do know you may feel more comfortable. It's unfortunate that you went to the GB only knowing your partner. Over time as you 'feel your way around', you get to know people who you want to play with and those you want to stay away from. Look for groups in your area that meet for what are called a "Munch'. It's not a play event, it's just a social event where you get to socialize and get to know other people of like mind. Some are educational in nature. Here in Kingston, there are 'verification' meetings where you are vetted before you are invited/allowed to attend events in the Kingston area. Hope this helps.
LeggyLivia Posted February 8, 2023 Posted February 8, 2023 You can say "No" or "No thank you" and, if they persist, you can leave the space. There is no reason to stay in a space that makes you feel uncomfortable because you believe it is impolite. It is not impolite to have boundaries. En*** them when necessary.
se**** Posted February 8, 2023 Posted February 8, 2023 (edited) 6 hours ago, QXX666 said: Some people might take it badly if you rebuke them. After all you agreed to the set up and they knew about it. QXX666 is right. It's like any awkward situation. As mentioned by Eyem, say" You need a break, thirsty or even the bathroom". Wait a bit of time, then engage again. Edited February 8, 2023 by kiseu Misspellings
vl**** Posted February 9, 2023 Posted February 9, 2023 Anyone has the right to change their mind about anything their doing at any time. You shouldn’t feel pressured to do anything you’re not comfortable with even if you agree prior to it. Who cares how they take it. That’s their problem. If everyone involved isn’t enjoying what their doing then that’s a problem.
st**** Posted February 9, 2023 Posted February 9, 2023 yea i feel like it’s inevitable to have someone not feel super happy with hearing you’re not interested but they should be happy everyone at the space is mature enough to speak on such things. Telling them “no thanks” or “I’m sorry, I’m occupied” should be enough and if he or she’s unhappy they should be hosting a GB and set rules that fit their standards, that’s life. No matter what if you’re into if you’re not into something, if you do it to appeal to the other person and don’t like it, they should be paying attention to you and it should therefore kill the experience. We’re all adults and a part of that is the ability to communicate, It’s really nice to ask this question though, I struggle with it too sometimes but you gotta look out for you 💪🏾
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