Losing me…

[Fa****]

There are many and varied reasons as to why I’m a member of this online community, too many to really discuss or list. In fairness they’re (mainly) of little interest to anyone else. 
 

However, one of my biggest reasons (and the underlying reason for this post) is freedom. This site (and others previously) have allowed me the opportunity to express my true self, the me that is hidden from the outside world, the woman I am in all my glory. It allows me to express myself in ways I never believed possible. It also affords me the opportunity to realise that whilst some may be disgusted by my body many people aren’t and these wonderful people have helped to bolster the confidence of a fat, old woman who has never had any. 

I “met” someone through this site relatively recently. He seemed (and likely is) genuine and sincerely looking for someone to be in his life. 

But, with him, I started to lose the me it’s taken so long to find. Before I go further I AM NOT blaming him for anything, this is me trying to better understand my responses. 

He asked me to “hide” all images of my face from here which in itself isn’t really an issue as I’ve started to keep those images private anyway. But this went further asking me to “hide” any images that showed what he considered his (c*nt, boobs, arse etc) - initially I refused and explained my reasons as above. It also seemed like I was being censored by someone who had “met” me this way but now wanted to change me and somewhat (OTT) controlling - whilst I may submit sexually I am also a ***y strong willed woman who doesn’t tend to like being told what to do. 

My response was apparently fine but I felt like I’d done something wrong (you know if you know) and so I did everything he’d asked to please him and make him happy again. And he was. 

Then something else similar happened and I repeated my previous pattern - no. Followed by feeling bad and doing what was requested against my better judgement. 

The last thing was ordering me to perform a sexual act that I do not usually do and video this happening and send it to him. Now, I probably could have coped with that has it not involved someone else who would not have known the video was being shared. This did not (and doesn’t) sit right with me and so for the first time ever, I safeworded. He respected my safeword but in the following days his displeasure was obvious and he subsequently ended things. 

Merely in the writing of this piece I have seen that I need to be sure on my “NO” whether or not I’ve used a safeword. Also, I need to clarify with another what elements of control I am/am not willing to give up. I was once told that my choices do not and should not make me feel bad for the way another reacts. The way they respond is on them not me and I need to start to remember this, yes someone may be happy, disappointed, upset, confused etc etc but provided I am happy with MY decision I shouldn’t change it purely to change their mood or make them happy or to get them to not think badly of me. 

Anyway, sorry for the ramble and FETISH thank you for allowing me my catharsis of a safe place to write. 

Love X

[Deleted Member]

***rs hide behind the dom moniker often.

[littlemiss37]

Wasn't right what he asked u to do . Big hugs . I thought I wouldn't get me back but I did. Been out of the dynamic say about 3weeks now . It broke my heart buy I'm getting me back . Going to work on me and better me for me but also for my kids and if uli ever meet neone in the future x

[Fa****]

40 minutes ago, PillowPrincess1 said:

***rs hide behind the dom moniker often.

Yeah. I guess anyone can/could hide behind anything. 
 

Honestly though, for the most part I don’t think any of what he did/said/asked for was wrong/abusive I do believe he is a genuine, nice guy. 
 

The straw that broke the camels back was the video request. 
 

But despite this being “about him” it really isn’t and I have no ill will, I just needed to order my thoughts in my head and try to understand why I gave away pieces of myself to please someone else

[ge****]

Sorry FD, know you say this isn't about him and that he's a genuine, nice, guy - but it absolutely *is* about him - he's been controlling (in the wrong way) and whilst not directly perhaps, has sought to change the you that you are by expressing displeasure at things you weren't comfortable with.
.
The final straw, expecting you to video something involving another and share with him, without the person knowing is wrong on so many levels, and has red flags all over it.
.
Yes, arguably perhaps you could have stood firmer when you said no, but you also have nothing to blame yourself for either.
.
From all you've said, at best this guy is unthinking, at worst something far, far, worse.

[Deleted Member]

I’ve always held the view that in any dynamic every act/session should be consensual…even things like CNC. Also, the Dominant party should accept their submissive for who they are, respect them and never try to change or coerce them to be something or someone they aren’t. There’s a very fine line and balance between control and ***

[lu****]

I think your feelings are valid you didn’t do anything wrong and yeah, we’re gonna have these feelings like we did because we’re giving submission over to somebody and obviously if they are displeased with us and affects us. You did nothing wrong here. I’ve also run into issues before where someone I’ve met off a site like this or through my spicy Insta or my OF suddenly wants me to hide stuff and stop things but that’s how they met me and that’s who I am which makes no sense. Also, it’s really hard to 100% know all your limits and what do you want. Everyone is different but you could add to the list of limits: I’m not gonna hide who I am Im not gonna take photos down from the site ,I’m not gonna censor things because that’s how I like to express myself . since this is something you’ve now experienced and know your not ok with you can make sure it is clear to other parties now ,in case someone else comes along and that’s not something they are going to be OK with. my thing is this could’ve been a conversation that your partner/Dom and an agreement could’ve came out of it or I could been revisit it again down the road. Whether it be that you’re still doing what you’re gonna do because that’s how you are and what you want to do and what makes you happy and what you’re comfortable with or that may be in time it may be something that you want to give to them. Something that you may want to let them have control with in time my thing is I’m not willing to submit 100% everything and I’m not willing to submit everything so easily, without all the background it sounds like you guys possibly weren’t talking that long ( and definition of a long can vary between each other of who is comfortable with what for me to have considered something like this, I would’ve had at least been in the dynamic with this person for about a year but that is just me personally )and I don’t like when people on here or other places try to take that so much control so quickly to me that’s a red flag. Submission is earned not given and not guaranteed . anyway it’s a learning experience. You know more about yourself now and your limits. Never feel ashamed worried or bad for having to use your SafeWord or for saying no you have every right. It’s unfortunate that they could not have a conversation about it and work with you. but you were with your right to say No , also you are an absolutely strong, independent, beautiful woman, stay safe out. ❤️🖤❤️🖤❤️🖤

[BruiseWayne]

14 hours ago, PillowPrincess1 said:

***rs hide behind the dom moniker often.

Sad but true.

 

Sometimes awful people just happen to have kinks as well.