Advice on getting started.

[YorkshireBiker]

Hi everyone.

It’s taken a while to pluck up the courage to join up and join in. I’m worried about being judged or saying the wrong thing, or coming across a weird

Currently in a relatively vanilla marriage but looking to broaden my horizons and explore but I’m not sure how, or even have the confidence to discuss this with my wife.

I’ve got very low self confidence and self esteem so even bringing up the subject is hard.

How did you discover your likes and how did you approach this with your partner (assuming you had one at this time).

Any advice or input will be welcome. 

[Deleted Member]

Start little things, she’s making dinner, smack her ass, after a couple times say, “I like doing that, how do you feel?” If she likes it then suggest maybe trying a spoon or spatula…

Take her to a sex store, be open with what turns you on

[za****]

Hey Wes, understand that all of us have specific desires. As does your wife I’m sure of it. Ask her what she’d be curious in trying and start there, make it about her only and the rest of the pieces will fall into place. Make it about love and trust and bring yourself out of your head and into her body. Feel what she likes, needs and wants, Feel it! Don’t just go through the motions. It’s all about love and connection. I started by simply bringing toys into the equation and it blossomed from there. Before you ask about bringing someone else in if that your intention you first need to make her feel like there is nothing in this world more important than making her feel special and wanted. You’ve got this bud

[za****]

I hope this helped my man, you’ve got this though. Let the love shine through

[Deleted Member]

Have in mind that you’re going to be judged no matter what you say or do. If you say something you’re going to be judged. If you don’t say anything you’re going to be judged too.
Knowing this helps you to worry less with others opinions.
An advice is: watch with your companion some movie/videoclip/serie that has bdsm in its theme. The conversation may start there.

[de****]

I would have an open and honest discussion.
Do you normally discuss your relationship or talk after sexy time?
Or you could suggest a movie night and watch something like The Secretary with James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal ☺️

[de****]

First thing I have discovered is that being open with your partner is the best way. When you don’t open up to them, you are doing nothing good for your relationship. You have urges to do things that they don’t know about, then they can’t even have the option to fulfill your desires… I used to be the one woman, want a family and settle down guy… I fkd up by not being open with her. It took me loosing her to decide it was time the old me had to die, and the new me was reborn. Since I’ve started being true to who I am, I’ve felt so much better, like a different person… and another thing, that judgement don’t mean nothing. Do you care if I go out to a party and end up in an orgy or if I take a woman home and dominate her? I’m sure you could care less, and if they do start throwing judgement at you… f**k em… it’s none of their business and it’s doing nothing but hurting you in the end. So go out there and tell your wife buddy, you will be relieved in the end… start out with asking her about her fantasies, then slowly work your way up. I’m sure you know her well enough to read her facial expressions to know if you starting to go too far, but in the end, complete honesty and trust is a must. I wish you the best

[Ra****]

First off welcome, it takes alot of courage to confront fear or anxiety. Now the advice, make sure this is what you want and do a bit of research. This can be either a great experience or the worse if you don't do your part. Also ain't no rush so take your time and include your significant other in your journey. As far as the judgment, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Your creating a whole new world for you so have fun, be safe and be you. We ALL was/is in your place at one time or another.

[Lord_Talion]

Know yourself and whatbyou want better than you presently know your wife. When you think you know everything about yourself, tell me aboutnit and I'll tell you what you've missed

[Lilahatabak-4440]

You need a private community first so you can absorb some proper kink knowledge,Leah's Cave events this month is more of a kink education for newbies so it's the best way to learn

[Ba****]

I actually started figuring out my likes/kinks by reading fanfic. If I found something that exicted me, I would look more into it. Writings, like fanfics and even published books, don't always explain things the best of ways or even realistically. I had brought it up to two exes in the past and I just kinda asked if they wanted to try anything or if they liked certain things.
I hope you get more confidence and self esteem.

[Ri****]

Welcome Wes, and congrats for coming this far. I'd suggest open and honest communication with your wife (before slapping her on the butt) to tell her what's bothering you in the relationship at the moment. Do you know what it is YOU want? It might help if you already know what it is you think is missing in your relationship and what it is you'd like to try out. A conversation like this with your spouse is never going to be easy and she might feel she's not good enough or she might be put off by your desires and wishes. You might tell her that your self-esteem is very low and that it's very difficult for you to express this. Be open, honest and truthful, both with her and yourself and hopefully you two can work on something beautiful

[YorkshireBiker]

Thanks for the advice, it’s nice to see I don’t have to be worried about asking question in here. 

I’ve gone through the list of likes/interests and there’s a few things on there already so that’s a start. 

I just need to find the courage to start the conversation. 

[Ri****]

You can always say "Honey? We need to talk."

[Ma****]

This is a safe space

[se****]

Hey man I feel ya. I’m new here two. I have no idea wtf I’m doing. Just having fun!!!

[go****]

First of all, this is a safe place, and I could assure you that there’s always a kinkier, kink than yours out there…
second, I suggest starting small and building up from there.

 for example, you could ask her to pinch your nipples for you and when she’s comfortable and those that’s what you like, maybe you could ask her to actually bite them. And that becomes part of the routine can move on to more things.
I really hope this helps. 

[Re****]

No1 will judge you here…. We are all Freaks here and Loving it!

[YorkshireBiker]

Having spent some time looking at different forums and kinks that are around, I already feel a lot better about myself. Knowing I’m not strange or on my own has helped me accept my feelings and wants are both normal and valid. 

[YorkshireBiker]

I did it and we’ve had a chat. We’ve agreed on a few things we can try and some things we can’t. Her attitude is she has that much on her mind at all times and does enjoy sex (that was reassuring to hear as I wasn’t sure anymore) but it isn’t her to priority and she isn’t something that’s always on her mind as it is with me. She has no desires to try anything specific and can’t think of any kinks so I need to make the suggestions so we’ll have to see how it goes.