Issues with munch host

[DantesVision]

Hi all. Bit of an odd and nuanced one this…

I have a long and tattered history with social anxiety.

I’d really like going to my local munch. I’ve been increasingly reclusive since lockdown - to the point there’s only one person I ever really see - and would really like to broaden my friendship group and maybe even reacquaint myself with old faces. I’m sure some of them would be there…

Buuut… I have an issue with the current host of my local munch. Many moons ago I was at an event - I worked a lot with burlesque shows and the like. This person was there, backstage. We hadn’t met or been introduced, but I knew her from being around. I gave a hello. Just ‘Hi, how are you?’ Or ‘good show, huh?’ Or something like that. She looked at me like she had stepped in something and walked off without a word. This is the sole interaction we have ever had.

Now she’s running the munch. And I have no idea how to deal with that. Should I ignore it, attend and risk being treated in the same disgusted, dismissive way? Should I message them somehow and open a dialogue?

It’s so frustrating that such a stupid thing is getting in the way. Your thoughts would be very welcome

[4R****]

If it was a long time ago, she's probably forgotten who you are. I'd just go and see what happens. Maybe even make a point of speaking to her without raising the past event. Perhaps reach out and say you're coming along to the munch for the first time and wanted to introduce yourself, then see if she raises the past (which she probably won't). 

As a general rule, we tend to remember bad experiences and the individuals involved where other people generally don't give it a second thought. At worst, she remembers and you both discuss, maybe get an apology and maybe even laugh about it - then move on - you're both very different people to who you were back then. 

[Franjax]

I would rise above it and show her your the better person. She had no right to make you feel this way. So ignore her chat to the people you like.

[Deleted Member]

I wouldn't let one persons self-righteous indignation ruin your fun. Be the bigger person if you do come across her. Be polite and interact with her when you need to but don't "force" yourself on her. Enjoy the munch and the other people who attend and especially yourself.

[Deleted Member]

@4RCH & @Franjax covered everything I’d say. Definitely don’t let this stop you from going, however you approach it. Nobody’s the same since lockdown, best to get back out there 👍

[DantesVision]

Yes. Thank you all. I think it’s hard because the incident, more than any other, created the expectation in me that this is the standard response people will have towards me. It’s hard to not believe everyone there will react in the same way. I know munches are supposed to be safe welcoming spaces. I guess I need to get over the feeling that I’ll ruin it for everyone

[Deleted Member]

Meh, consider it as her loss. Don’t allow yourself to be dismayed at this shallow loser. Hold your head high and stay positive!

[Co****]

Hi, I ve noticed, some people can be ' off' when they re nervous, not smile etc.
She could ve had alsorts of reasons for being off.
You being at home, alone alot, ruminating on it, its probably blown up in your mind into a big thing.
I understand the Social Anxiety, I have it with new large groups, so good on you for thinking of going!
Just start afresh.......wipe the slate clean, Big breath and go.
Today really is a New Day 😄🌞
Like others have said......you're re both different people now.

She's not likely to be 'off' if she's running it, and there' ll be others there to chat to, regardless of how she is.
Like @4RCH said, just introduce yourself and say it's your first time.
Bet she ll be lovely 😍


Love and Luck to you x
 

[de****]

I have struggled with my social anxiety my whole life. Sometimes old faces even friends are hard to see. Sometimes I change venues to get a little confidence before going back to the place I want. Idk if you can find something in a neighboring town, but if you take the lady out of the equation for the first time back in a while, you may see remember the good and enjoyment you get from them. Then it may be worth the anxiety to either confront her and find out the issue or avoid her and the fun in ur home town. It might have been something dumb or she has resting bitch face idk. All anyone can do is control their own actions.

Another thought going with people can help with your anxiety and ask them to watch the lady and see if they can see her acting like that.

[Sp****]

1 hour ago, DantesVision said:

Yes. Thank you all. I think it’s hard because the incident, more than any other, created the expectation in me that this is the standard response people will have towards me. It’s hard to not believe everyone there will react in the same way. I know munches are supposed to be safe welcoming spaces. I guess I need to get over the feeling that I’ll ruin it for everyone

It’s an unfortunate fact of life that some people, inside the lifestyle or out, are assholes. Perhaps in the capacity as munch host they will be more amenable (one would hope). You never know until you try. Good luck.

[ey****]

I'm sure most of us have probably done something perceived by another person to be rude whether we've realised it or not

and equally, especially if something was a long time ago - there is the whole 'personal growth' if she was a bit of an ass

someone really doesn't get by running munches for long if they're rude!  

Going along, it might be appropriate to mention "hey, so we met in the past and you were a bit rude" or it might be unnecessary

equally.... you don't have to go to your nearest munch if another one is accessible 

[DantesVision]

11 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I'm sure most of us have probably done something perceived by another person to be rude whether we've realised it or not

and equally, especially if something was a long time ago - there is the whole 'personal growth' if she was a bit of an ass

someone really doesn't get by running munches for long if they're rude!  

Going along, it might be appropriate to mention "hey, so we met in the past and you were a bit rude" or it might be unnecessary

equally.... you don't have to go to your nearest munch if another one is accessible 

This is a good point. I’ve kind of been in the reverse position myself, now I think about it. Bumped into a friend once. She was with her boyfriend. He interjected and said he had something he wanted to talk to me about. She was aghast, but I welcomed his comments. Turned out I had been dismissive and rude to him at some point. I didn’t recall the incident at all, but I explained that I had social anxiety sometimes and didn’t respond as I might like to sometimes. It was a bit more involved than that, but we were both glad of the chance to clear things up. He accepted my apology, we shock hands and all was well.

So that’s a good template for me I guess. Probably not first thing if I do go. But I shouldn’t be afraid to bring it up

[lo****]

There's also the possibility she didn't know you were helping run the show and thought you were backstage to creep.

[Ta****]

You’re giving an awful lot of free real estate in your brain to someone who probably doesn’t even remember that interaction. As an alternative possibility to the suggestions from others to bring that interaction up, I propose sometimes the best course of action is to do nothing. Show up, say hello, and if there’s some kind of tension, let her bring it up. Otherwise don’t worry about it!

[ey****]

1 hour ago, locketheart said:

There's also the possibility she didn't know you were helping run the show and thought you were backstage to creep.

that has happened to me before actually (that I was backstage and people didn't realise I was meant to be : "but you haven't got a pass", no, that's cos everyone in the venue knows me - sorry!)

[Au****]

Hello, there 🙂 I can understand and empathize with second guessing and overthinking everything.

I have social anxiety too and also I’m a functional autist. Very very functional, but still.

However, as I’ve grew older, became a mom, went through tons of sh*t in this life, divorces (2), abuse, etc., the social anxiety has decreased exponentially by force 😅

That doesn’t mean I can’t relate with you, because I do. I really do.

And, as I’ve been in your shoes and now I’m a little out (not completely), I can tell you that many times we imagine unlikely scenarios. For anxious people, predictability is imperative, and in social interactions that’s impossible, so for us the word ‘possible’ means ‘likely’ and that’s imprecise.

For me has been helpful focusing in ‘probably’ instead of ‘possibly’. We have issues but we aren’t crazy, and we can see when we are struggling with unlikely or minor stuff, as I can see in the end of your post.

It is also helpful to imagine the worst case scenario and prepare for it, as in: if she gives me a bacteriologist look (a person examining sh*t 😂), I can just turn around and go. AND, as she doesn’t know me, that can’t be about me but her. HER PROBLEM, NOT MINE. Don’t make other people’s issues yours. Part of being a social phobic is feeling guilty and stupid. We are going to be the stupid ones some times but not ever or mostly.

And, when it happens, we can leave, disengage from the situation and go to a person that can emotionally contain us. Can be a friend, a relative or even this community. If you ever need it, you can write me too.

So have a route map for what you think could happen, so you don’t get paralyzed in the moment.

Repeat to yourself that is just people. If you feel they are normal and you are different, that’s perfectly fine. Is not a sin or wrong being different.

Finally, for me EFT (lead for a DOCTOR IN MEDICINE) has been very helpful for healing trauma. But most of all, the company of a few empathetic members of this community who are so similar to me and so loving and caring. Interact with people with whom we feel safe helps a lot. So don’t give up on your gatherings 🙂

[he****]

i mean, that's a real gross attitude she's got, no two ways about it. but she probably didn't, and won't, recognize you. i'd say go get ya munch on. worst case, you have to deal with her for an hour. she's gotta *be* her for the rest of her life. how grim is that?