Vetting Process

[Lo****]

Figure out your needs. What you want mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Come up with questions that will ask them and in different ways.

[Js****]

Ask for their fetlife account

[Deleted Member]

10 hours ago, Jschmough said:

Ask for their fetlife account

Not everyone uses Fetlife, frankly it's a pretty horrible site to navigate, and even worse if you're mainly looking for people to meet and play with. None of my subs are very active on there at all.
And a Fetlife profile means nothing since there are just as many fakes on Fetlife as here, if not more!
Although of course a well established profile is difficult to fake, so if they have one that's a good sign. I look for ones with lots of activity, lots of friends and followers. I always read through their activity to get an idea what they're into and up to.
But if they don't have a Fetlife profile, or it's not very active, there's only so much you can do.
You can ask for references - I have a number of current and former playmates who are always happy to chat with new potential partners and reassure them that I am exactly how I present myself.
Arguably a Dom who can't provide any references at all is a little suspect. Either they're brand new, or just not a good Dom.

[ey****]

11 hours ago, Jschmough said:

Ask for their fetlife account

I'm not sure how that would help.  A lot of people are not on there for very good reasons - and even those that are... it's a site which has also undergone it's own surges of members with questionable suitability.  

[ey****]

1 hour ago, MrCasey69 said:

Arguably a Dom who can't provide any references at all is a little suspect. Either they're brand new, or just not a good Dom.

I think references can come down to context.   There's someone I can think of who has a string of allegations against him - but also has no problem in providing references cos, he, um, obviously doesn't provide those ones.

The other thing which does come to context - I know there is someone on and off this site who claims to have trained 8 subs in 10 years (or 10 in 8, I forget which) and that they could provide good references - and while that sounds good, if someone is looking for long term / monogamous / etc. then the high burn through rate of subs means the person might not be suitable - and so perhaps there's a question in there.  Once I'm trained as your sub... then what?  Am I just another stat and good reference ? 

[wo****]

What about the genuine subs who are just starting and don't have any followers or activity on their profile. Everyone starts some where.

[Deleted Member]

21 hours ago, NotSoPureMichigam said:

As the other commenter noted, not sure specifically what you mean by “fake”?

We have run across a few “couples” (in chats) that we are sure were actually just males.

We have also come across a few couples where the male was “bi-curious” when all the clues from chatting screamed “gay.” Nothing wrong with any orientation, but annoying when people lie.

Mostly, we have wasted a LOT of time chatting with people (sometimes for weeks) who either ghost or block when it comes time to meet. Not sure they were “fakes” or if they just got cold feet, or maybe they met someone else and decided to pursue that instead?

Ultimately, I don’t have the solution you seek, but hopefully it helps to know you are not the only one struggling with the problem.

Precisely what I’m finding over and over here, become ghosted, or blocked, and sometimes ridiculed and treated poorly when it comes time to meet. I hate to say it but it’s happened so many times that both the emotional and time investment is too psychologically draining for me. That said, I’ve become somewhat withdrawn and quite disillusioned with the process. I have to really step back for awhile over and over again after neutralizing.

[Deleted Member]

I’m doing the same ! After yesterday. Manny ?? about this . People can be quite f**ked ! It’s extremely draining & I too ! Feel disillusioned with this process/ almost disgusted with it ! I’ll see how it goes !! Stay safe & be loving 🥰 !!

[Deleted Member]

I Just started 2 days ago ! I’ll see how it goes. I agree with you. Stay true to yourself ! 💯

[Deleted Member]

On 7/29/2023 at 2:25 PM, eyemblacksheep said:

I think references can come down to context. ...

Of course context is relevant, but the point of a reference for me is to enable an open discussion between the potential sub and an existing one. They can ask the questions that matter to them - which establishes the context. If longevity matters, "how long were you together?" should be a key question. 
And yes, it's also true that every Dom is going to cherry pick their references so a sub is only going to get the good ones - but frankly that still says something. If there are allegations about a Dom, but they are still able to provide good references maybe some of those allegations are false? Or in part due to poor chemistry between the two individuals involved?  
Which does not deny that there are going to be a few genuinely bad Doms who *** some subs but are able to establish good dynamics with others, even if only cynically so they will have some good references to use. But there is only so much any method of vetting can ever do which is why subs need additional controls - such as clearly written limits, recording sessions (audio or video) to provide evidence in case safe words are used and not respected etc.