ThePhoenix Posted October 10, 2023 Posted October 10, 2023 I know there are no set rules and each Dom has their own way of doing things. But it seems that in the beginning of a dynamic, the Dom makes sure to contact their Sub every day, sometimes many messages throughout the day, but always at least once a day to make sure they are okay and such. My question is how long should it be before a Sub contacts their Dom to make sure everything is okay 12, 24, 48 hrs? If there no medical, work or family emergency that's stopping the Dom from being able to send a message, not even a phone call. How long is too long? I'd love to hear the answer to this from experienced Doms and if there are any Subs that have been questioning themselves because of this, I'd love to know. Thank you for your time.
Deleted Member Posted October 10, 2023 Posted October 10, 2023 How long is the call duration it should be calculated right?
ThePhoenix Posted October 10, 2023 Author Posted October 10, 2023 There hasn't been a call since Wednesday all communication via messages. The last message 11.45 Sunday morning.
Ne**** Posted October 10, 2023 Posted October 10, 2023 1 minute ago, ThePhoenix said: There hasn't been a call since Wednesday all communication via messages. The last message 11.45 Sunday morning. How long have the two of you been involved?
ThePhoenix Posted October 10, 2023 Author Posted October 10, 2023 3 minutes ago, NexumSange said: How long have the two of you been involved? It's still new - Just over a month.
Ne**** Posted October 10, 2023 Posted October 10, 2023 16 minutes ago, ThePhoenix said: It's still new - Just over a month. And at first they kept up with everyday? What sort of discussion on commitment and expectation has taken place? Do they have other subs (of which you’re aware), other SO’s and so forth?
Mi**** Posted October 10, 2023 Posted October 10, 2023 2 minutes ago, NexumSange said: And at first they kept up with everyday? What sort of discussion on commitment and expectation has taken place? Do they have other subs (of which you’re aware), other SO’s and so forth? This is my question too. I would encourage you to have a conversation about expectations with regard to communication.
ThePhoenix Posted October 10, 2023 Author Posted October 10, 2023 More than once a day. And calls and video chats, when he couldn't come up. We are both Poly so although he hasn't got another sub, it wouldn't bother me if he had as long as he's honest with me, like I am with him. However, even though he's given me valid excuses for him not keeping in contact and breaking our date, I saw he logged on here just three hours ago. My intuition is telling me I'm being played. This is why I wanted to see how other relationships work when it comes to communication.
Mi**** Posted October 10, 2023 Posted October 10, 2023 2 minutes ago, ThePhoenix said: More than once a day. And calls and video chats, when he couldn't come up. We are both Poly so although he hasn't got another sub, it wouldn't bother me if he had as long as he's honest with me, like I am with him. However, even though he's given me valid excuses for him not keeping in contact and breaking our date, I saw he logged on here just three hours ago. My intuition is telling me I'm being played. This is why I wanted to see how other relationships work when it comes to communication. “More than once a day” Is that an expectation that you h discussed and agreed to, or is that what has been normal so far. I hear want to mature sure I understand.
Mi**** Posted October 10, 2023 Posted October 10, 2023 I think it’s pretty normal for communication to be much more frequent in the beginning when new relationship energy is high and there is a lot to discuss to get to know one another. But I believe you should feel comfortable reaching out to your Dom at any time for reassurance or clarification.
NorseRhune Posted October 10, 2023 Posted October 10, 2023 It seems to me he may see you as a fallback if he doesn't find something else.
ThePhoenix Posted October 10, 2023 Author Posted October 10, 2023 1 minute ago, MinnesotaMinx said: “More than once a day” Is that an expectation that you h discussed and agreed to, or is that what has been normal so far. I hear want to mature sure I understand. It wasn't discussed it just happened. It's what has been normal so far, and the same with any Dom I've talked to. A morning greeting, General chat and then a goodnight.
ThePhoenix Posted October 10, 2023 Author Posted October 10, 2023 1 minute ago, MinnesotaMinx said: I think it’s pretty normal for communication to be much more frequent in the beginning when new relationship energy is high and there is a lot to discuss to get to know one another. But I believe you should feel comfortable reaching out to your Dom at any time for reassurance or clarification. I have done. He reassured me nothing was wrong. but again, there's been another day of silence -
Mi**** Posted October 10, 2023 Posted October 10, 2023 4 minutes ago, ThePhoenix said: I have done. He reassured me nothing was wrong. but again, there's been another day of silence - I think you need to have a more formal discussion about communication frequency and tell him what you’re feeling. Let him know that you noticed a change and that it makes you feel insecure. If you want good morning and good night messages plus chat during the day, be explicit about that and ask if he is able to commit to that.
clggyknkstr Posted October 10, 2023 Posted October 10, 2023 From my POV, if actively involved with and keenly interested in a sub, contact remains regular throughout the day. Otherwise it would drift into FWB territory where there is no such emphasis on ensuring a sub’s wellbeing. Just my personal POV.
ThePhoenix Posted October 10, 2023 Author Posted October 10, 2023 Thank you that's how it feels and it's messing with me. The unsure and not knowing. I just don't want to be played.
clggyknkstr Posted October 10, 2023 Posted October 10, 2023 Then it is essential that you communicate your need in this area and why it is so important to you, especially if a lack of communication is a trigger for you.
clggyknkstr Posted October 10, 2023 Posted October 10, 2023 One more thought on the subject: personally, when invested in a D/s dynamic, I want to be in my sub’s thoughts, whether it is for the purpose of a simple check in to make sure she is OK, to give her an instruction or challenge, or to relive a previous experience or have her eagerly anticipate the next one.
ge**** Posted October 10, 2023 Posted October 10, 2023 Personally whilst I understand the need for aftercare and checks etc, I don't believe it's a one way street from dominant to submissive, or incumbent on one more than the other to maintain or instigate contact. So there should be no question around how long to leave it before contacting him. . That said, has he said why he's been out of contact for longer than normal? Perhaps he's been busy, been ill, had other things to attend to and not necessarily anything sinister. . Certainly think an open and honest conversation needs to be had to understand expectations etc though
ey**** Posted October 10, 2023 Posted October 10, 2023 when you feel you should is the short answer if you're a bit, hmm, haven't heard from them - that's strange, it's always good to check in
ThePhoenix Posted October 10, 2023 Author Posted October 10, 2023 So my intuition was correct. Not man enough to speak to me or send me a text. Instead, he blocks me on Fet. I feel sick to my stomach right now!
Mi**** Posted October 10, 2023 Posted October 10, 2023 42 minutes ago, ThePhoenix said: So my intuition was correct. Not man enough to speak to me or send me a text. Instead, he blocks me on Fet. I feel sick to my stomach right now! I’m so sorry this happened to you. Take a deep breath and remember that this is not a reflection on you. You are worthy of a good Dom and a healthy D/s dynamic.
clggyknkstr Posted October 10, 2023 Posted October 10, 2023 1 hour ago, ThePhoenix said: So my intuition was correct. Not man enough to speak to me or send me a text. Instead, he blocks me on Fet. I feel sick to my stomach right now! Sadly, this person was not right for you. So sorry you’re feeling hurt, you deserve so much better. Stay strong, none of this reflects on you. Focus on you and what you need from your Dom, then make sure to make that clear. If your Dom does not fulfil his end, bring it up. D/s like any other relationship is a 2-way street, you deserve as much respect as your Dom.
Ne**** Posted October 10, 2023 Posted October 10, 2023 1 hour ago, ThePhoenix said: So my intuition was correct. Not man enough to speak to me or send me a text. Instead, he blocks me on Fet. I feel sick to my stomach right now! I am so sorry. My hope for you is to heal well from this and carry on; benefitting from the rein***ment that your instincts are correct. Trusting yourself is invaluable and focusing on that can help you through this bump in the road. 💚❤️🩹💚
MasterDarcy1979 Posted October 10, 2023 Posted October 10, 2023 2 hours ago, ThePhoenix said: So my intuition was correct. Not man enough to speak to me or send me a text. Instead, he blocks me on Fet. I feel sick to my stomach right now! OK. I wished I read this sooner as I wrong quite a length reply. I had to delete it. I'm actually going to go against the tide. I'm not sorry for you. It might not seem like it but this is a good thing. For a multitude of reasons: The guy wasn't right for you. Do you know how lucky you are to discover that after only a month? Some couple spend years together, have children and marry... before discovering that they aren't right for each other. Your intuition is good! You sensed a red flag and you were correct. You have a month's worth of experience. The Dominant for you is out there and you are free to look for him. Those are all great things. As far as this guy goes, there's no excuse for him ghosting you and blocking you. He's a coward. In closing, you aren't with a coward anymore.
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