Respect is given and earned

[Gr****]

I’ve had a lively discussion with a few kink minded friends about this and we keep splitting into three camps. One side says trust is expected from their sub the other side says that trust is earned.
In speaking to both sides. The thing that was curious to me is that both subs and Dom(me) had views on either side of the fence. For me I like to trust people. I trust my instinct, and I offer trust readily. But if it’s broken it’s hard to earn back. So we continued the debate and didn’t really reach a satisfying consensus. So I would like to ask your views on trust, how it is given? And how it is maintained? How to repair it if it has been broken?
I am expecting a wide variety of view points and hope to gain some much welcomed perspective.

[Marmy95]

For me everyone has a baseline level of trust. That's just my human nature. It's up to them on if they earn more of my trust or if they lose it depending on how it is that they act towards me and others.

[NoPantiesAllowed]

I speak from some experience, that respect and trust is earned, it took me 3 years to build the reapect I had with my kitten and unfortunately I made some mistakes and lost it. I have and am learning from my mistakes, but the trust my kitten had in me is not there anymore. As mentioned, I hope to earn it back, but it's going to be a long journey if I can.

[bl****]

Honestly, I think there are people who are very polarized on this and some who aren't. For me, I fall on the extreme "my trust is expected by my dom" and a lot of people feel entirely otherwise. I think it also really depends on who is domming and what their experience is.
I can also kinda gage whether or not my trust is expected depending on the dom's viewpoint of brats and brattaming. I've met doms who fucking HATE brats and brat taming, because they believe trust is expected and they don't like subs putting up a resistance. I think it also kinda ties into consent and what feels right. I think heavily slave-leaning people trust automatically while more brat-leaning people feel otherwise. At least in my experience :3 Everybody's different

[ki****]

Trust is earned with me. I used to trust new people till a reason not to which kept leaving me feeling susceptible to hurt. So now trust no one till rightfullyearnt.

[lolli-leigh]

I, am in agreement with your approach. To me you have to treat each new person with openness and trust it is unfair to judge them on previous experiences. Trust builds and develops imo. If trust is broken, I think it is very difficult to regain, however I think if someone can reflect on why, what and how this happened then I believe it can be rebuilt.

[MommyKult]

I believe trust should be earned from both sides. I am a trusting person by nature, but have been burned enough to be wary of what people say to what they actually do.
So, look at their actions, because anyone can give out flowery words with nothing that backs it up for you to trust.

[Do****]

It’s honestly a toss up in my eyes. I’ve had some who expected to be trusted fully but could not deliver expectations. Which tarnished my trust and the dynamic. I was so busy worrying about rules that weren’t given to me. So, I had no idea what was off limits or what was okay to do/say. However, my dom just expected me to know exactly what he wants. I can’t do that if you can’t give me expectations, limits, etc.

[Mr****]

Trust is earned. It’s like building a house with a strong foundation. Without it the relationship is doomed to crumble if the foundation isn’t strong. For me you can’t just walk in and walk all over someone and expect them to serve you blindly, but if you’ve built that strong foundation the doors to discovery can open very wide.

[ol****]

Trust is always earned.

I think everybody has a starting point on how they trust others. You build from there until you reach the level of trust that is needed.

What I do know is that once you lose trust it is very hard to restore it.

[ey****]

trust is a two way street and is something earned between two people

it's not just the sub has to trust the Dominant, the Dominant also has to trust the sub : and that can mean lots of things.

 

[CopperKnob]

Trust and respect are two very different things.
Both are earnt in different ways over time but for me everyone has a starting point.
No one should be trusted outright just because of how they identify eg D/s
Its like saying "I'm a Police Officer so trust me"

[Po****]

I have a simple level of trust…But, ultimately, trust is earned. Even more so within this space. As a sub, I have to trust my Dom is going to respect my boundaries and keep me safe. With some things trust is easy, but depending on the scene, it takes alot of trust which must be built up to allow me to give my trust freely…I hope that makes sense, because I am so exhausted tonight!

[HexedTempest]

I've heard that Trust is earned in drops, and lost in buckets.

[GreyHog]

I trust my subs, but I remain wary of signs of deception. For me, anything less than total honesty BOTH WAYS is a breach of trust. Withholding feelings, likes, dislikes, or concerns can lead to some very bad outcomes, especially with BDSM and some of the more extreme kinks. As a sadist, I use honest feedback to make things better, hotter and safer.

[AngelDemonLover]

Trust is a bridge, starts off as a rope one then as time progresses you test the trust and it will hold until you break it then you have to start board by board, brick by brick

[co****]

As former law en***ment trust and respect are earned.. yes you should always start out with a certain level of both and grow from there. Can trust be earned back if lost? Depends on what caused the loss.. but I would say in most cases it can be re earned… just my thoughts and 2cents worth…

[Deleted Member]

Trust should be in place before anything takes place. Having respect for both in and out of play should come naturally?

[cr****]

Bdsm is heavily built on trust, and you dont know who the other person is until it's too late. To give a scenario, if a Dom can't take no for an answer, that's a huge red flag because they don't respect a sub's boundaries

If a sub goes around giving their trust freely, they're going to get hurt 90% of the time, since alot of people don't know how to truly cater, and care for a sub safely

So to give an answer, trust should NOT be outright expected because someone is a dom. Rather, it should be earned through acts of kindness, to make both parties comfortable.

[Br****]

Very cool topic, it’s complicated and complex like the many lives we come across. It’s different for everyone, people who’ve had their trust broken multiple times like me are not so willing to just give out trust. Mine is to be earned by my observation of your actions. In Kink however for the relationship to build and thrive, trust is needed. Everything takes time and for some people it can be fast or slow. Building trust by getting to know someone and respecting them, their wishes, having effective communication and an open mind are all things that need to happen to build trust in my experience as a sub. Creating a safe environment and making sure all parties feel safe and even enthusiastic can significantly build trust faster. Demanding trust is something me personally won’t stand. Maintaining trust would be being consistent and remaining truthful. Don’t be fake by being someone else. Keep communicating and saying something if your uncomfortable will better help maintain trust.

[Gr****]

5 hours ago, HexedTempest said:

I've heard that Trust is earned in drops, and lost in buckets.

I love this thanks for sharing. 😀

[Co****]

Trust is earned, respect is lost. I respect everyone to a certain extent until they give me a reason not to. Usually opening their mouth. I trust NO ONE anymore until they earn it.

[Deleted Member]

I used to trust very easily. I learned the hard way trust should be earned and once it's broken it will never be the same.

[Mr****]

Both, trust is earned and it is also given freely. you trust drivers to a certain extent as a pedestrian or as another driver. You trust friends to enter your home. But how many people do you trust with your life?

[No****]

I feel like respect and trust should be a given, offering extensive communication on needs and limits, if those are broken trust and respect go out the window . This is my perspective of a sub with trauma.