Attending events or not?

[ma****]

You're vetting...

How important is for you that the other person is interested in going to events? How about the importance of having a Mentor? If they didn't have a Mentor, would you still continue to vet them? How about if they were not interested in going to any events?

[si****]

I would say if they do not line up with what you want then it’s your call , I would want my partner/ partners to be with me in public and come to events if they felt comfortable
Attending events provides a public space which is safer sometimes and staff that are there to help having a mentor for a top or dominant isn’t essential but proceed at a sensible pace I had a mentor my first year on the scene but now learn more specific areas and teach others

[Sh****]

Funny enough a mentor is kinda but I’m looking for, and going with someone is probably the only way I would attend events. That’s a combination of my own social anxiety and the fact that being vision impaired, I sometimes find it hard to know if someone is even talking to me, went out in public, the stories I could tell about that 

[Deleted Member]

Mentorship shouldn't be as important as overall education during the vetting process imo. As far as going to events and the like. I'm a homebody now more than before. So that's the kind of partner I'd be looking to be with. So it's all preference. If you're looking for a more comm involved partner then do that, if not then don't

[Ar****]

I wouldn't say it's important to me that they're interested in going to events, but I'd consider it a shame. For example I've bought a lot of my more recent play equipment at the BBB's market, and I think shopping for these things together (particularly when they're tangible and not just an image on the screen of an online shop) is part of the bonding and connection-strengthening experience. I'd also be wary that a more insecure partner might have issues with me attending without them, especially as I have more female friends who also attend such events than I do male ones. I'm aware that trust should be a given, but that doesn't mean anxieties should be ignored; in some circumstances (such as early/vetting days) steps may need to be taken to provide reassurances.

It wouldn't matter to me whether they have a Mentor or not - the first people to take steps into this world didn't have them. So long as they are happy with their situation, that's what matters. I feel it's more important that a potential partner has a strong and varied community of support to guide/advise them learn from, if they indeed want any such support at all.

Be it in regards to whether they attend events or have a mentor, it's not about my needs - it's about theirs and whether I'm the right person to understand and fit with them.

[Deleted Member]

For me personally - I don’t like going to events so if they don’t wanna then that’s A-Ok! No mentor necessary either! Just treat me like a good little angel and we’re all good 😇

[wa****]

I find i don't have time to go to most events. So I'm not going to hold it against anyone that doesn't.

[Astrobek]

Events aren't for everyone.

A mentor, I wouldn't even consider this a factor. Open communication and respect yes sure, a willingness to learn about me as an individual, yes but a mentor isn't needed in my mind, I've seen some poor quality mentors in my time, having a mentor doesn't guarantee you're being mentored in the right direction.

[Deleted Member]

If you are new to the BDSM scene then maybe you need a mentor, though there are ample of blogs and videos to increase your knowledge. During vetting if you go for munch it's okay, however for BDSM (BDSM parties) events it may be overwhelming. I definitely love BDSM events and I think it's nice to attend them

[ge****]

For me it would be very much a case by case basis decision and dependent on the other person and the level of connection I had with them in other areas.
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If they didn't want to attend events/clubs etc I might explain to them the benefits and enjoyment I've got from attending them, but if it was still not for them that would be fine so long as we had sufficient connection and chemistry.
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Similarly if they were new and inexperienced I might suggest something like a mentor or further reading to increase their knowledge etc - if they were resistant then I'd try and understand why and it may raise a red flag if there was a level of arrogance behind it.
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In summary it would all come down to the individual person and how I "felt" about them.

[Deleted Member]

I have social anxiety and don't do crowds in general as it stresses me out and I avoid these, I don't think to be in this community you need to go to events. I personally am against mentors, I believe the only person who should be training a sub is the intended Dom/Domme etc I do however feel they should have a support network of people they can talk wherever that be on FB, Reddit, places like here etc but anyway neither of these things are high on my list when vetting someone and it depends on their needs as well as my own at the time. Needs change across partners etc

[Mx****]

To me attending to events is really important because community is really important. I wouldn’t say it’s mandatory but definitely something I’d look forward to. Same with education, a mentor is not necessary but I need my partner(s) to be educated constantly, this influences the nature of the scenes and the relationship we’re going to have.

[pe****]

It's not important to me. I attend events with my Vanilla partner and we watch. However, I don't require attending events to be part of my dynamic. I would not feel comfortable allowing my Dom to open up a part of our dynamic to others watching.
As far as having a mentor. Why would a mentor be a requirement? As long as they do research and learn about themselves as a Dom. In my personal experience, it's who they are as a Dominant toward me. You can relate to other Dominant's experiences just like as subs we discuss ours. Doesn't mean as a sub, I need another sub mentor.
I do recommend D types have community of discussion for Q & A as well as discuss experiences. But mentor, I don't see as a requirement for me.

If they aren't interested in attending events, I'm okay with that. I'm poly EMN and still attend events with my Vanilla partner as voyeurs and don't partake in any of the stations or play. That's type of play is reserved for my Dominant.

[Hy****]

Character assessment can be done without community involvement, but communities tend to do that quicker than individuals. I vet personally because I don’t thrive at events, but I also spent a decade inhaling online content and lifestyle culture. It left holes in my protocol, but I’m an expert at seeing what I seek and demonstrating competency. I know what red flags look like.

If you don’t, a community can help you with that, but you don’t necessarily “need” one. They can cover your ass if things get hairy, and it’s better, especially as a woman, to have that than not.

[Hy****]

And not all communities are created equal.

[ro****]

Personally, male "Dom's" that aren't part of the community (events, parties) are an instant red flag. Do they have a reason? Is that reason because they have ***ed too many people off by being a douche? Are they just not what they are claiming to be?

If they can't give an ex or former play partner as a reference, red flag. They either have no experience, or have a history of ***ing off ALL the partners before you.

[sa****]

It doesn't matter if they have a mentor. I hold meet and greets at the beginning of each month and the event at the end of each month. If they get invited to the meet and greet and don't show for whatever reason, then the vetting process is over, and they will never get another chance, and they will never get an event invite. We accept absolutely no excuses, no exceptions. The worst thing in the lifestyle is a damn ghost.

[Do****]

Yesterday at 10:29, rolandguy said:

Personally, male "Dom's" that aren't part of the community (events, parties) are an instant red flag. Do they have a reason? Is that reason because they have ***ed too many people off by being a douche? Are they just not what they are claiming to be?

If they can't give an ex or former play partner as a reference, red flag. They either have no experience, or have a history of ***ing off ALL the partners before you.

Personally, I don't like "The Community". Just a matter of taste and preferences. The "open community" around here is just not for me (well, for us). Mainly just a generational thing. I guess it's normal, everywhere, that older practitioners seek more closed and secluded spaces and private eventos. Sometimes "the community" is just not for you.

[sp****]

I stay away from community. Have had lots of friends. Am sociable. Lots of experience. It’s not a red flag. Lots like privacy. Been there done that with community.,Parties, group houses, swingers, etc. no need for community.

[Dryoni]

As a Daddy Dom, I enjoy a certain club north of Brisbane, we do socialize, but only ever scene by ourselves, like all things in life, there are clicks, I avoid opnion or commenting on others.