Doubts in D/s dynamic

[Deleted Member]

For the past few months I’ve been feeling uncertain about the relationship with my dom. Our relationship is heavily based online as we live about an hour away from each other and both have busy schedules. Recently this has been more of an issue than not. It’s almost as if I feel indifferent towards the whole relationship — it’s just not at the forefront of my mind like it used to be. Admittedly, I *** that I’ve never truly felt secure in our relationship. I’ve always held insecurity about being a sub, the role makes me feel so inferior and I hate that it does but I can’t help it… this is turning into a vent. 

 

 

I feel isolated and I feel as though I’m not living my kinky life the way I want because of this dynamic. When I attempted to end things a month or two ago, I was completely shattered, I was breaking down at work and crying nearly everyday. I ended up getting back with him because I couldn’t deal with the heartbreak. But ever since then things have felt off and I just feel so uncertain about the whole thing. I know I should just talk to him… and I think I will, I just don’t know what to say or how to approach the topic. 

 

TLDR: Feeling uncertain abt relationship with Dom and not sure if this is where I want to be in life rn. Ended things once, got back together and now everything feels off. Need advice for how I should approach this topic with him. 

[Deleted Member]

Why not live with him?

[Ki****]

Couple of reflection points, once you break up and get back together often people have a slight resentment toxicity left over call it what you like, specially who got his world shattered.
Independently the sound of it is you don't like this relationship not necessarily you don't like your partner is just the dynamic doesn't suit you now, so either change the dynamic or change the partner.
You got to be honest with yourself first and foremost, what do you want and who do you want it with?

[PussyPleaser690]

Perhaps start with asking him how he feels about the relationship… how strong he thinks it is and if he sees it lasting. It’s true what they say, that the truth will se you free. So being as honest as you can with him will help you a lot. It sounds like your head is in it but your heart isn’t. Which is why you feel like there is not something right deep down but when you come to ending it you get wrapped around your emotions. You must have discussed how you feel already if you have tried to end it before? How did he react to that? Ultimately you have to put yourself first though and if it doesn’t feel right, tell him, any reasonable person will accept that and discuss it and will ultimately want what’s best for you. Also it may be worth reconsidering your relationship to kink. Maybe sub isn’t really your role if you feel inferior about it and that brings you negative emotion.

[Ch****]

Sounds more like a you problem rather than him being the problem

[Deleted Member]

Just tell him how you feel and find a switch that you can both play each role together honesty is the only way to be you will never be happy in this dynamic relationship if you aren’t comfortable don’t try and *** it it will only hurt you

[pi****]

Honesty is the best policy. My and my partner had similar issues and sitting down in a relaxed environment and having uncomfortable conversations thankfully has made us stronger.
Hopefully it could do the same for you guys. Good luck.

[Deleted Member]

It’s tricky to comment with so few details but it seems like some inner reflection and maybe journaling could be helpful for you. Could there be some need for attention and love that means this relationship feels better than no relationship?
What is it about the dynamic that makes you feel inferior specifically? Is it a particular kink like servitude or ***? Something else? Are you a brat? Are you new to the lifestyle?
I would journal your thoughts so you are a little clearer first. What works great for my clients is “ranting” so you basically unleash hell privately in your journal. Act like an entitled brat, stomp your foot, swear - get it all off your chest. Like a burn book entry from mean girls.
Then you can think more calmly and rationally after and sometimes a thing isn’t really a thing it just felt like a thing because you suppressed it and once you rant it out it goes away.

As far as talking to him goes, get clear first and then just ask him for a conversation and make sure he knows that you want the conversation to be held in equality and outside the parameters of your dynamic - ie you are allowed to speak freely and nothing you say will be used against you within the dynamic.

Just start talking.. I’m feeling a little confused and I’d love to have a conversation about how I’m feeling.. have you felt anything is off or noticed anything is off in me.. I’m struggling to put into words how I’m feeling but I don’t feel right.. I’m struggling particularly with x y z…

Good luck 🤞

[Deleted Member]

It's hard to walk away from what you know

[he****]

Honest communication is the best policy always. Also, i am a huge believer in taking a break from the lifestyle so you have time to process your feeling and reflect on your relationship. It doesnt seem like distance is the issue here but the availability could be. Also, i personally have never felt inferior to my Dom ever. It is and honor and privilege to be on my knees and fully submit to her. Also, as a Switch i also have a sub that lives 3 hours away and didnt think i would be able to maintain the relationship. After an honest talk we recently had, she has voiced that this is what she really wants and we have been meeting each other half way to play and it has been great. So, if you are having doubts… maybe your Dom is great… but he just isnt the one for you and guess what?… thats perfectly ok. If your Dom truly cares about you, he will want the best for you no matter if its with him or not. I hope this helps and i will keep you in my prayers.🙏🖤

[Deleted Member]

I know it may sound hush and it’s ***ful breaking up. That is life and a journey we all go through. But one thing is for sure, will make you mentally stronger as a woman x

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, Your_Highness0 said:

Why not live with him?

Haha, there are many reasons why I can’t and won’t live with him. One of which being he’d never agree to it and another being I need to be close to my job

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, KinksterDan said:

Couple of reflection points, once you break up and get back together often people have a slight resentment toxicity left over call it what you like, specially who got his world shattered.
Independently the sound of it is you don't like this relationship not necessarily you don't like your partner is just the dynamic doesn't suit you now, so either change the dynamic or change the partner.
You got to be honest with yourself first and foremost, what do you want and who do you want it with?

That makes sense… playing with him is great, I used to tell him all the time that I loved how he just knew what to do to me. I love the partner, but being called a sub and being labeled a submissive is the thing that bothers me. I think that’s the part that really requires inner-reflection. As for what I want? I want to explore kink and try new things and experience it with people who love it as much as I do… You’ve really given me some things to reflect on, so thank you!

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, PussyPleaser690 said:

Perhaps start with asking him how he feels about the relationship… how strong he thinks it is and if he sees it lasting. It’s true what they say, that the truth will se you free. So being as honest as you can with him will help you a lot. It sounds like your head is in it but your heart isn’t. Which is why you feel like there is not something right deep down but when you come to ending it you get wrapped around your emotions. You must have discussed how you feel already if you have tried to end it before? How did he react to that? Ultimately you have to put yourself first though and if it doesn’t feel right, tell him, any reasonable person will accept that and discuss it and will ultimately want what’s best for you. Also it may be worth reconsidering your relationship to kink. Maybe sub isn’t really your role if you feel inferior about it and that brings you negative emotion.

I think you might be right. From the looks of it, having an honest conversation with him is really something I should be doing and I think asking him those questions could be beneficial for both of us. When I tried ending things I was in a very overwhelmed and stressed out state from work and personal things and I didn’t know how to explain that to him which lead to the rash decision of ending it. He was adamant about getting an explanation from me and he was really caring. Tbh I think I’ve been biting my tongue a lot in our relationship to keep from causing an upset, but in turn that’s just left me dealing with suppressed emotions and honestly it’s probably just put more distance between us. So far I’ve been labeling myself as a sadomasochist, but since he’s my dom I guess I just automatically adopted the sub role

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, Chiana said:

Sounds more like a you problem rather than him being the problem

Yes that’s why I’m asking lol

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, Shadowspank said:

Just tell him how you feel and find a switch that you can both play each role together honesty is the only way to be you will never be happy in this dynamic relationship if you aren’t comfortable don’t try and *** it it will only hurt you

Its an open relationship so he wouldn’t mind me finding another partner. I really think I may be uncomfortable because I’m not being honest… after reading all the advice, I just don’t think I want to leave him

[Deleted Member]

Thank you for this! It’s reassuring knowing there are people out there who’ve gone through similar issues and overcame them. I think a conversation is definitely needed with him

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, centralpark said:

It’s tricky to comment with so few details but it seems like some inner reflection and maybe journaling could be helpful for you. Could there be some need for attention and love that means this relationship feels better than no relationship?
What is it about the dynamic that makes you feel inferior specifically? Is it a particular kink like servitude or ***? Something else? Are you a brat? Are you new to the lifestyle?
I would journal your thoughts so you are a little clearer first. What works great for my clients is “ranting” so you basically unleash hell privately in your journal. Act like an entitled brat, stomp your foot, swear - get it all off your chest. Like a burn book entry from mean girls.
Then you can think more calmly and rationally after and sometimes a thing isn’t really a thing it just felt like a thing because you suppressed it and once you rant it out it goes away.

As far as talking to him goes, get clear first and then just ask him for a conversation and make sure he knows that you want the conversation to be held in equality and outside the parameters of your dynamic - ie you are allowed to speak freely and nothing you say will be used against you within the dynamic.

Just start talking.. I’m feeling a little confused and I’d love to have a conversation about how I’m feeling.. have you felt anything is off or noticed anything is off in me.. I’m struggling to put into words how I’m feeling but I don’t feel right.. I’m struggling particularly with x y z…

Good luck 🤞

Thank you for such great advice! I think journaling will be my first step in order to figure out where exactly I’m coming from with all this. You ask some great questions, all things that I think I could greatly benefit from asking myself. I’m actually in the process of starting therapy back up again, this time specifically for navigating my relationships. I’m hoping that it’ll give me the skills I need in order to openly communicate with my partners about what I want and how I’m feeling. In the meantime, I’m going to sit and think about the questions you asked. Thank you again, truly!!

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, hellhoundsub said:

Honest communication is the best policy always. Also, i am a huge believer in taking a break from the lifestyle so you have time to process your feeling and reflect on your relationship. It doesnt seem like distance is the issue here but the availability could be. Also, i personally have never felt inferior to my Dom ever. It is and honor and privilege to be on my knees and fully submit to her. Also, as a Switch i also have a sub that lives 3 hours away and didnt think i would be able to maintain the relationship. After an honest talk we recently had, she has voiced that this is what she really wants and we have been meeting each other half way to play and it has been great. So, if you are having doubts… maybe your Dom is great… but he just isnt the one for you and guess what?… thats perfectly ok. If your Dom truly cares about you, he will want the best for you no matter if its with him or not. I hope this helps and i will keep you in my prayers.🙏🖤

It helps a lot, thank you so much🖤 I think you’re right about it being more of an availability issue more than anything. There have been quite a few times where we’ve made plans and had to cancel due to one thing or another. It doesn’t feel right to me that I feel inferior. I want to enjoy being submissive to him, I really enjoy letting him take control of me, but when I think about it as an overall aspect of my being, it makes me sick. I think that mostly stems from me not clearly differentiating my kinky life from my personal one. So when I think of myself as submissive, or when I’m labeled as such, I’m not just taking it in a sexual way, but also a personal way, which as childish as it may be, really offends me. If there’s anything I’ve gotten from reading all the comments, it’s that a lot of reflection needs to be done on various things. Thank you again for all that you’ve said, I truly appreciate it!

[Mi****]

I don’t feel the hour drive is what separates you. If two people want to spend time together an hour drive seems like nothing. Whatever issues are straining your relationship would be there if you were two blocks apart. Be honest with him about how you feel and assure him he can be honest with you too. Maybe make a + and - list of how you feel about the relationship before you talk with him so you’re clear on what you like and don’t about the state of things.

[AKA_Copper]

Maybe you might try and separate your feelings about the relationship with this individual and those you have about identifying as a submissive. Reading what you've shared, it seems like the latter may need to be the focus point. But I agree, I don't feel that an hours drive is the real issue at hand.

[Deleted Member]

Speaking from my own experiences with a similar situation. 

 

Things are clearly not working on multiple levels so maybe think about staying single for a while so that you can process and unpack everything that's made you feel like this. 

 

Do i hate being submissive?  Or was it I wasn't feeling secure and appreciated as one? 

 

Was it just this Dom wasn't the right person for me as they was to hard? To soft.? Didn't make a effort? 

 

Did I tell them things wasn't working and why? but if you didn't why didn't you feel securre enough to etc

 

Based on how and what was said you should have a  self reflection period and reassessment of yourself and your needs 

 

Again this is just my personal way I delt with a similar experience so it might not be what will work for you. 

 

Just offering a view to show there's nothing wrong with feeling this way just not a good idea to not do anything about it?

 

Hopefully you figure this out in a way best for your needs 

Edited July 2, 2024 by Deleted Member
I hate auto correct

[gr****]

Well I see an issue with the dynamic. If you’re feeling uncomfortable being a “sub”. Sometimes putting a label on things isn’t good. It ***s people into roles they don’t want to do. There’s a big difference in living the life 24/7. And having some fun every now n then

[ge****]

Seems like you know what you want to do. The process of heartbreak is dreadfully unpleasant but it is finite. You’ll get over it and you’ll heal. The healing can’t start until the harming ends

[Deleted Member]

Not sure of the bigger picture here but I will share this much...The emotional connection in a dom/sub relationship is very strong. As soon as trust and or a continuity of time and is dismissed, it can make things very difficult in the relationship. I have decided I will never ever associate with a poly person again...