Could we have some protocol for approaching subs/Doms?

[Deleted Member]

Hey kinksters, I've been approached so many different ways in my time in kink.

Some ways work well. Some are not so good. 

Back in the day, a Dominant man contacted you and polite conversation ensued. Then you'd meet for coffee in a public space, daytime, of course.
If you liked each others vibe, things might progress but it was common to have more than one casual meetup before real play began.
You might kiss (yes!). He might grope you a little - over your clothes (mmm). Then contact would develop via text and phone, with discussion about limits, rules, expectations. This is a really really fun part of getting to know each other, and I, for one, would hate to see it skimped upon. 

But I've noticed a shift in how I'm approached by men who want to play. After a Dom asks me a few questions,  he asks for naked photos and a masturbation video. Then he issues the command not to touch myself without permission and growls something about me being his property. Without telling me anything about himself. 

And I don't know. Is that a red flag? 

It doesn't feel very 'proper' but if it's becoming the new norm, do I have to adapt and just do it? Seriously, I don't know! 

When distances are involved, I get it that none of us want to travel without as much information to hand as we can possibly have. But window shopping my clitoris... is that necessary? It really kills the mood for me. 

AND the problem is, as a sub, I want to please. If a mental connection has been made, it's very very hard for me to say no. 

So can we talk about this stuff? 

What's the correct protocol for approaching someone online and where do we draw the line at what we're asked to do? 

Also, I seriously think it's not too much to ask someone for references of some kind - recommendations from people they've played with.  

 

 

 

[ey****]

it does seem like both a red flag and very unimaginative - given relationships are generally built on trust playing the whole "mysterious Dominant" isn't as romantic as some of these seem to think...  

[Jed]

Why compromise in a world of opportunity...Personally lazy D's will enivitably show there true colours by making these demands after little or no effort on their part, that's a big fat NO in my book, and should sway and sub to steer clear.

[Deleted Member]

12 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

it does seem like both a red flag and very unimaginative - given relationships are generally built on trust playing the whole "mysterious Dominant" isn't as romantic as some of these seem to think...  

Unimaginative. I like that. That would be the worst insult I would ever throw at someone. 

[Deleted Member]

10 minutes ago, Jed said:

Why compromise in a world of opportunity...Personally lazy D's will enivitably show there true colours by making these demands after little or no effort on their part, that's a big fat NO in my book, and should sway and sub to steer clear.

A couple of times, I've played along, just to find out more about their methods. I can report that they're also the ones who disappear or go dark on you for days and then pop up with some barked command to remind you that they're the boss. 

Maybe I failed at the masturbation video? 

 

[Ar****]

This absolutely is a conversation that needs to be had. Unfortunately as has been said before, the ones who most need to read it are the ones who are arrogant enough to think it doesn't apply to them, the ones who simply won't bother. I've had subs purely for online fun. That has been made clear from the beginning (by them), and so in that context I don't see this behaviour as an issue. But where a real possibility occurs of a serious and meaningful actual-world experience/bond? I agree that it may be different where there is distance involved, but what happened to building anticipation? Exploring together? I have no problem waiting, and I know I'm not alone, so no you don't have to adapt. I get that it is hard to fight that mental connection and urge to please, but you have enough about you to know that if you aren't comfortable with something and a Dom is pushing you for it anyway that early on, they don't respect you. Draw the line where you are happy. Even as a submissive you are part of a team and your voice is just as important.

[Deleted Member]

Personally I cannot speak of protocol, only my experience: I have to admit that in times past I have contacted women online in completely the wrong way and issued demands prematurely. I will also be honest, I thought that was what was expected in this day and age. I found some subs responded to this but it seemed to be a pretense on both sides. One particular person I was talking to like this and I had just had enough and I asked if we could just drop roles a minute and the lady obliged. We just talked like normal vanilla human beings and it was so much better but never went anywhere which was good. I think I was essentially confusing confidence with abrasive Ness and arrogance. The next lady I contacted online I just decided to be myself, we maintained contact through a site at first, progressed to WhatsApp and then phone before meeting in a public place for a drink. Just as you say things progressed naturally and I ended up seeing her about 6 months over which time we both grew sexually and had fun exploring kinks. To this day we are still friends. I tend to do things a more old fashioned way now and have much better results, friends and trust. I think I learned to back off when I sensed my approach becoming uncomfortable and learned to draw the line when my approach became uncomfortable to my own character and integrity too. I think it's the same sense employed when I envisage a safeword being close or imminent.

[Davy-1872]

Respect should be shown by the Dom towards you

[SissyRIanne]

When women do this to me I already know that within now and 5 messages they're going to ask for that fat tribute that I've probably already told them I won't give them or that there hasn't been any mention of before. They somehow think that if they act like my domme already it's easier for them to get that ***. While as mentioned I won't be anyone's sub unless I know who that person is and we've built up a connection. On top of that I've had people try to blackmail me using the pictures I gave them to show my willingness so that's something I"ve stopped doing as well, I might just post a picture that's on a site like this.

[Carnelian2]

11 hours ago, white_rose said:

Back in the day, a Dominant man contacted you and polite conversation ensued. Then you'd meet for coffee in a public space, daytime, of course.
If you liked each others vibe, things might progress but it was common to have more than one casual meetup before real play began.
You might kiss (yes!). He might grope you a little - over your clothes (mmm). Then contact would develop via text and phone, with discussion about limits, rules, expectations. This is a really really fun part of getting to know each other, and I, for one, would hate to see it skimped upon. 

But I've noticed a shift in how I'm approached by men who want to play. After a Dom asks me a few questions,  he asks for naked photos and a masturbation video. Then he issues the command not to touch myself without permission and growls something about me being his property. Without telling me anything about himself. 

Interesting; As a Male, I have seen exactly the same from Dommes - point being that on-line, it could be anyone. Sometimes, I play along if the conversation has some merit - sometimes not. There do seem to be a prevalence for these online people to "claim property" immediately, and I really don't know if that is just part of the "get them hooked so we can bleed them dry" scheme or some assumption that this is the way it goes. Most times, as I see it progress, it fizzles out.

I had one of those typical "slave trainers" yesterday, who said she was from the same town as me - and then proceeded to the "you need to buy kits for your training". I just responded to say that the local High Street has plenty of cafes to meet and that I could either bring my own kit or we could go to the local Fetish shop together :)

It is a bit tedious, though, and wasting of a good submissive's time.

Dom(me)s beware! It goes both ways :)

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Carnelian2 said:

Interesting; As a Male, I have seen exactly the same from Dommes - point being that on-line, it could be anyone. Sometimes, I play along if the conversation has some merit - sometimes not. There do seem to be a prevalence for these online people to "claim property" immediately, and I really don't know if that is just part of the "get them hooked so we can bleed them dry" scheme or some assumption that this is the way it goes. Most times, as I see it progress, it fizzles out.

I had one of those typical "slave trainers" yesterday, who said she was from the same town as me - and then proceeded to the "you need to buy kits for your training". I just responded to say that the local High Street has plenty of cafes to meet and that I could either bring my own kit or we could go to the local Fetish shop together :)

It is a bit tedious, though, and wasting of a good submissive's time.

Dom(me)s beware! It goes both ways :)

Yes! The slave trainer with the demands about what you need to buy. We're really supposed to fall for that before we've even met? Oh man. 

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, SissyRIanne said:

When women do this to me I already know that within now and 5 messages they're going to ask for that fat tribute that I've probably already told them I won't give them or that there hasn't been any mention of before. They somehow think that if they act like my domme already it's easier for them to get that ***. While as mentioned I won't be anyone's sub unless I know who that person is and we've built up a connection. On top of that I've had people try to blackmail me using the pictures I gave them to show my willingness so that's something I"ve stopped doing as well, I might just post a picture that's on a site like this.

Oh gods, Sissy, I've worried about blackmail or exposure. How awful! I shudder to think about anyone seeing some of what I've sent. But am I the fool for sending it? (Yes, probably)

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, Davy-1872 said:

Respect should be shown by the Dom towards you

I agree. 

But some Doms play the Hard Master, and go heavy on *** or ***. In the past, I've fallen for the notion that they respect me but now I seek to see it evidently from the beginning. 

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, Aranhis said:

This absolutely is a conversation that needs to be had. Unfortunately as has been said before, the ones who most need to read it are the ones who are arrogant enough to think it doesn't apply to them, the ones who simply won't bother. I've had subs purely for online fun. That has been made clear from the beginning (by them), and so in that context I don't see this behaviour as an issue. But where a real possibility occurs of a serious and meaningful actual-world experience/bond? I agree that it may be different where there is distance involved, but what happened to building anticipation? Exploring together? I have no problem waiting, and I know I'm not alone, so no you don't have to adapt. I get that it is hard to fight that mental connection and urge to please, but you have enough about you to know that if you aren't comfortable with something and a Dom is pushing you for it anyway that early on, they don't respect you. Draw the line where you are happy. Even as a submissive you are part of a team and your voice is just as important.

Mmmm building anticipation and exploring together. I adore that part. 

Yes, some subs are happy for a purely online arrangement. There are ways to use online to enhance an arrangement, too. 

I've also enjoyed online connections that involved domming that was not sexual. For instance, domming can be used to support positive habit building or behaviour modification. I once had a connection with a lovely gentleman in the States. He was a filthy pervert of the very best kind, a writer. I'd confided in him about my writing and he used to dom me to write daily and give me feedback on my work. It was fun more than anything but because I like to please, I would do it. It really helped me as I was going through a hypersexual phase, which was distracting me from work. Anyway, I digress. Sadly he died last year and I miss him terribly. He never saw my naked body or asked for a masturbation video. I never knew his IRL name, only his Fet handle. 

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, Method said:

Personally I cannot speak of protocol, only my experience: I have to admit that in times past I have contacted women online in completely the wrong way and issued demands prematurely. I will also be honest, I thought that was what was expected in this day and age. I found some subs responded to this but it seemed to be a pretense on both sides. One particular person I was talking to like this and I had just had enough and I asked if we could just drop roles a minute and the lady obliged. We just talked like normal vanilla human beings and it was so much better but never went anywhere which was good. I think I was essentially confusing confidence with abrasive Ness and arrogance. The next lady I contacted online I just decided to be myself, we maintained contact through a site at first, progressed to WhatsApp and then phone before meeting in a public place for a drink. Just as you say things progressed naturally and I ended up seeing her about 6 months over which time we both grew sexually and had fun exploring kinks. To this day we are still friends. I tend to do things a more old fashioned way now and have much better results, friends and trust. I think I learned to back off when I sensed my approach becoming uncomfortable and learned to draw the line when my approach became uncomfortable to my own character and integrity too. I think it's the same sense employed when I envisage a safeword being close or imminent.

Hi Method. I really appreciate your admission. You've clearly grown. We learn from our experiences, don't we? I've made plenty of mistakes in BDSM. 

I think it's important to get to know each other as normal vanilla human beings first. When a potential Dom is holding back, refusing to let me see who he really is, that's a big warning sign for me. 

You mention doing things a more old-fashioned way. I do love the old-fashioned ways, and the old-fashioned gents. Hmm. Maybe I'll make a post about this. 

[Ar****]

2 hours ago, white_rose said:

I've also enjoyed online connections that involved domming that was not sexual. For instance, domming can be used to support positive habit building or behaviour modification.

Absolutely! My (real world) sub and I are in a situation where finding time to meet in person is extremely difficult, and as such we have not played for over two months. We tend to keep sexual activity offline, and have only seen each other for a short coffee date since that time. But what I am able to do is use our connection sometimes to make sure that she has breakfast, and that chocolate is not a meal. When she is overwhelmed and pushing herself to the point she is making herself ill I can have her "time out", indulge in some time for her, unwind.

 

I am sorry to read about your loss. That sounds like a very special relationship, one where he truly cared about you. My thoughts go with you.

[Deleted Member]

Just now, Aranhis said:

Absolutely! My (real world) sub and I are in a situation where finding time to meet in person is extremely difficult, and as such we have not played for over two months. We tend to keep sexual activity offline, and have only seen each other for a short coffee date since that time. But what I am able to do is use our connection sometimes to make sure that she has breakfast, and that chocolate is not a meal. When she is overwhelmed and pushing herself to the point she is making herself ill I can have her "time out", indulge in some time for her, unwind.

 

I am sorry to read about your loss. That sounds like a very special relationship, one where he truly cared about you. My thoughts go with you.

Thank you, honey. He lives on in my memories, and the other people he touched. He was loved. 

[Wo****]

1 hour ago, Aranhis said:

and that chocolate is not a meal

Wait! WHAT????

It isn't?

[Ar****]

7 minutes ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

Wait! WHAT????

It isn't?

😂😂😂😂😂 Alas no Bounty, but if only it were! I can't say much, I may have substituted it for proper food myself in the past.

 

I'm going to be chuckling at that for hours 😁

[Botanic]

I find this refreshing to read. I feel like we have a lot in common with out outlooks.

[Deleted Member]

36 minutes ago, Botanic said:

I find this refreshing to read. I feel like we have a lot in common with out outlooks.

Thank you 

[Jed]

9 hours ago, white_rose said:

Hi Method. I really appreciate your admission. You've clearly grown. We learn from our experiences, don't we? I've made plenty of mistakes in BDSM. 

I think it's important to get to know each other as normal vanilla human beings first. When a potential Dom is holding back, refusing to let me see who he really is, that's a big warning sign for me. 

You mention doing things a more old-fashioned way. I do love the old-fashioned ways, and the old-fashioned gents. Hmm. Maybe I'll make a post about this. 

In a world that's flying by at a million miles n hour, the more traditional methods and values, should still have a place in our modern world.

Manners and etiquette cost nothing, speaking with civility, courtesy and thought, will in my mind, give back trust, honesty and a platform to work from. I enjoy the gentle approach, it's not a mask for the devil within, as he will always come to the fore,😈 but by building that level of trust with simple common courtesy, you are putting the building blocks of your relationship firmly in the ground.

I think someone wrote earlier that the uneducated, and chancers won't read these great threads...which is a shame as you only get out what you put in to LIFE.!!!

Anyways great thread, keep them coming!!!!

[Carnelian2]

I could quote and comment on so many of the comments in the thread, but instead just say I think it is great that we talk about these things, as it breaks the feeling of loneliness when it happens to you, and you feel you are the only one in the whole World this ever happens to.

I try to behave online as I would in real life. Sometimes I get it right and sometimes wrong. I appreciate both good as well as comments that helps me to improve.

... and, yes, not much chance that those that cannot articulate a coherent sentence would read nor appreciate these comments. Shame really

[Deleted Member]

37 minutes ago, Jed said:

In a world that's flying by at a million miles n hour, the more traditional methods and values, should still have a place in our modern world.

Manners and etiquette cost nothing, speaking with civility, courtesy and thought, will in my mind, give back trust, honesty and a platform to work from. I enjoy the gentle approach, it's not a mask for the devil within, as he will always come to the fore,😈 but by building that level of trust with simple common courtesy, you are putting the building blocks of your relationship firmly in the ground.

I think someone wrote earlier that the uneducated, and chancers won't read these great threads...which is a shame as you only get out what you put in to LIFE.!!!

Anyways great thread, keep them coming!!!!

Thanks Jed. 

As for keeping them coming, I will. I wrote one this morning but it still hasn't been approved! How long do you have to wait around here? 

[Deleted Member]

19 minutes ago, Carnelian2 said:

I could quote and comment on so many of the comments in the thread, but instead just say I think it is great that we talk about these things, as it breaks the feeling of loneliness when it happens to you, and you feel you are the only one in the whole World this ever happens to.

I try to behave online as I would in real life. Sometimes I get it right and sometimes wrong. I appreciate both good as well as comments that helps me to improve.

... and, yes, not much chance that those that cannot articulate a coherent sentence would read nor appreciate these comments. Shame really

@Carnelian2 hello sweetie x Your thoughts and input always appreciated. 

Talking helps. It can be terribly lonely sometimes.