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Justhere4info
icon-wio Justhere4info has logged into Fetish.com after being away for some time. Say hi!
  • 21.08.2022 10:01:53
  • Female (28)
  • Chattanooga
  • Single
Justhere4info
icon-wio Justhere4info created a topic in New to BDSM, Kink & Fetish?
Was this consensual? Advice please, also trigger warning just in case
Possible trigger warning for abuse? I'm not sure. But if you're triggered by that, you may not want to read on.
I'm basically just on this site to find out if something I went through as a teen was consensual, and thought I'd bring the issue to some sex pros here at fetish.com.
When I was younger, Read more…but of age of consent and in high school, I started dating a 21 year old who was in college in a nearby town.
He was the first person I ever had sex with, I think we might have smoked some weed or drank some, and then had sex.
I wasnt really planning to, it just happened.
But the part I'm wondering about is that for twoish years after we were in a relationship with a lot of BDSM type stuff, and there were multiple issues with him giving me aftercare after having sex with me. I had clearly expressed that I hated it when he didn't cover me up or dress me after being particularly rough with me (with my consent). He said he would try harder. ****I eventually explicitly told him multiple times NOT to have sex with me if he was going to forget aftercare, or was going to fall asleep right afterwards.***** It was too emotionally traumatic for me because then even felt more like abuse than sex when he would forget to do what I asked before we engaged in sex (or would fall asleep) even if it was just getting me a glass of water or putting my shirt back on for me after things were rough.
He continued to have sex with me and forget aftercare, the worst time being when he left me naked and tied to a bedframe by my neck (the tying up was consensual, but I told him it was only okay if he was going to care for me afterwards) and dozed off (I got myself out just fine, but that was not the plan). I was young and think I just got to the point that I thought maybe I was being unreasonable when these things would happen, and eventually just would dissociate from them, and focused more on more on weight loss until I was at one point 89 lbs at age 19.
He told me "men fall asleep after sex, it's biological", but I told him if he was going to do that then to not have BDSM type sex with me because being alone right afterwards was scary for me, but he continued to do it.
My question (I feel like it's silly and don't want to overreact) is: for more experienced BDSM folks (or anyone knowledgeable really). Am I overreacting? It is now going on seven(?) years since the relationship ended, and I still feel pretty screwed up over this, still feel it in my psyche, haven't really talked about it, and I think those times being my first experiences with sexual boundaries led me to what might be even worse stuff in the future. I'm still processing. Would love and appreciate any feedback at all. Even if you think I'm being unreasonable. I haven't outed the dude because he lives in a small town and I don't want to ruin his life or anything but I found out he now works at their rape crisis/sex ed center and all this came flooding back.
Thanks xx
Seriously thank you very much if you read this all the way through; I just realized how lengthy it is!
( I am a woman and he is a man, not that that matters, but I'm not sure my profile specifies)
LikeVandalslut · 28 Replies
eyemblacksheep
eyemblacksheep I feel also; professional help is often, on paper, the correct answer - but - a lot of folk who've been for 'professional help' haven't always got the support they needed especially not first time
speaking of my experiences in the UK - if you are unable to pay, you can often be stuck on waiting Read more… lists and wait a seriously long time to be seen. Sometimes they'll try to poke you onto online programmes - and I did have a paid-for counsellor that my work paid for that, well, wasn't that great. (this was just general MH issues)
my knowledge of the system in the US is that a lot is insurance based as of who you can access and a lot at lower tiers of insurance are not often that great. So, seeking pro help can be expensive and prohibitive.
I'm still not saying folk shouldn't do this - but I think sometimes - in this case - the reassurance that the feelings were valid is certainly a first big step. Because that's the difference between "something happened to me that was bad and I need help processing it" versus "something happened to me and it wasn't bad but it negatively affected me and I need help processing it" which are different lines entirely.
LikeAranhis, Vandalslut · 31.03.2020 17:47:31
Phoenyx
Phoenyx ➦Phoenyx quote Deleted profile:❝But not with anyone here! Not even with a "nice experienced hobby psychological interested person". What is wrong with you people? Giving advice in a situation you cannot even imagine...❞
Really?! I'm reading a few of posts from folks, who can not only imagine the Read more… situation, but, who have actually been through something similar (or worse). Think about it. Often, you can learn more from someone who has been through Hell, than from some pampered spawn of the rich, whose parents just happened to by him/her a doctorate degree, but ultimately, has only read about Hell.
Likeeyemblacksheep, Aranhis, Vandalslut · 31.03.2020 17:20:31
Deleted profile 😘what a beautiful heart felt honest writing my friend, inspirational 😘 😘what a beautiful heart felt honest writing my friend, inspirational 😘
Like 31.03.2020 8:50:19
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Justhere4info
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  • 30.03.2020 14:13:57
  • Female (28)
  • Chattanooga
  • Single