Trauma Response? Normal or Unhealthy?

[mi****]

Having a hard time articulating, so bare with me please… i’m not sure if any of this will make sense.

I’ve been a submissive since i first learned about non-vanilla sex & lifestyles. About a year ago, i faced a big trauma, along with many other smaller traumas throughout the years. Now, i’ve been seeing a new side to me- a more dominant side. Normally, I’d say “who cares?”.. but this dominant side of me seems to just want to punish men for those traumas. My newfound kinks & fantasies haven’t exactly been… normal (from what i’ve discussed with submissive men on here.) and it’s entirely punishment. i have no interest in saying “good boy” or rewarding “good behavior”.. i don’t want the usual domme/sub dynamic… in fact, i’d still prefer to call that hypothetical partner “daddy” rather have myself be called “miss” or “ma’am.” while i punish and humiliate in very specific ways. anyway, i simply want to punish. nothing more. i don’t want to hurt anyone… i truly don’t- but all of my new interests are based around punishment and their desperation for relief. So, help me here… normal or unhealthy? Is this my feminine rage?

[Do****]

Kinda sounds like you want men to experience the same trauma that you did. I could have it wrong just seems like that. A think a true Dom is not to limit someone, but to help them experience more of themselves.

[Deleted Member]

If the punishment is fueled by revenge against men then it's unhealthy and you should probably seek some sort of help

[ir****]

Honestly for me i dont think thetes anything inherently wrong with that aslong as you arnt actually huring anyone and it's all done within consent then i think it could maybe be a healthy outlet? Im sure there's alot of subs that would be into something like that 😌

[mi****]

i should clarify… it would ALL be consensually. i would want the person to WANT it too. but essentially the paragraph is trying to explain the reason behind these new interests.

[Ki****]

As a counsellor who works with people dealing with trauma and various forms of PTSD, it does sound like a classic trauma response. We tend to contain the trauma and hide it until we can repress it no longer. That’s a significant turning point in your healing journey. Processing trauma can result in people self-harming, uncontrollable anger etc. Your response is different.
As has been said, as long as your outlet is not uncontrollable and directed at all men without prejudice, it is a valid way to heal. Consent (obviously) is the keyword here. That goes without saying.

[ar****]

If you have this rage built up inside that you need to get rid of, is the punishing of a real-life partner an actual requirement? Or could you think of a way to release that doesn't involve hurting others, like taking it all out on some punching bag or stress dummy, or even in a (virtual reality) simulation?

[mi****]

12 minutes ago, PeteNR2 said:

As a counsellor who works with people dealing with trauma and various forms of PTSD, it does sound like a classic trauma response. We tend to contain the trauma and hide it until we can repress it no longer. That’s a significant turning point in your healing journey. Processing trauma can result in people self-harming, uncontrollable anger etc. Your response is different.
As has been said, as long as your outlet is not uncontrollable and directed at all men without prejudice, it is a valid way to heal. Consent (obviously) is the keyword here. That goes without saying.

it’s definitely not directed at all men… i’ve yet to speak to anyone i’d actually want to carry out these specific fantasies with. consent of course, is what i’d want if i were to meet someone i’d be interested in trying these interests out with. i’d only want it if they want it too- i still would want my partner to enjoy it yanno?

[ge****]

There are definitely men who are looking for purely punishment as the overriding part of their submission so there's nothing specifically wrong with that part of what you're looking for and it just comes down to finding those men who are looking for that - however you may want to consider factors such as aftercare before going down that road.
.
The concern here, and I think one you share, are the underlying reasons behind this new found desire and whether those drivers are healthy or not, and that's something perhaps, and I mean this kindly, to seek professional help with that can also address the traumas that triggered it.

[Ve****]

You have discovered a strong sadistic side of yourself, where your traumas seem to have been the trigger.

[ca****]

Within the bounds of kink / BDSM,  you have explained it v clearly and emphasised the 'consent' aspect.

How does this concern / affect you (others) outside of kink in the rest of your life?

[it****]

Nothing wrong with that milk. Showing a true side and being honest. Follow that path if it makes you happy and comfortable

[Ho****]

I've observed that among people I've met and bloggers I've read, D types (particularly with impact play (I know less about relationship/lifestyle)) often are people with past experience of being controlled or hurt non-consensually - abusive parents or ex partners, ***, etc, ie either ongoing or one-off situations.

I haven't seen or heard as many s types talking about it but using myself as an example, I'm submissive in bedroom/play contexts*. As a child I kept hearing how lucky I was that my parents didn't believe in smacking or punishment, it was their boast that I was Well-behaved without any of that (it took me years to understand how controlled I was!) - it gave smacking etc a kind of glamour. I grew up both terrified of corporal punishment and, in a bewildering way, envious of the other kids who took it for granted. That wish to be "normal" that we suffer from at a certain age! combined with knowing I was envied for a homelife that I knew to be unenviable (without being able to defend that opinion as ostensibly nothing was wrong with it). I was a very mixed-up kid 😁 but aren't we all, here!

Anyway, all this waffle is to say, it makes perfect sense to me (intuitively) that being subjected to trauma that's out of our control would be linked with wanting/needing agency in the equivalent situations (scenes), where it's under your control.


* unsure about lifestyle/relationship/personality context, maybe switchy but no experience to give me a clue

[s_****]

trying not to repeat all previous comments - you sound very self-reflective about this, which to me feels like a key factor in weighing whether something is more or less 'healthy'. there is no one correct way to work with and through your emotional and psychological stuff. but i do believe there are ways that lift you up, and ways that tear you down. my personal recommendation would be to find someone you can be open with about this, and kinda test the waters. if acting on this in a consensual setting ends up actually making you feel good, i personally see no harm in it. wishing you all the best on that journey x

[Co****]

This is such an interesting convo from a very open OP.
I don't have experience in this, .......but I wondered.....how do you know how you ll be ......letting out the Trauma in this way?
I know you don't want to hurt anyone........but if there are triggers?
Or Adrenaline rush or something?

[Ho****]

Without knowledge about the source / context of your big trauma (which is none of my business), it’s impossible to answer your summary question. 

 

But I think it bears mentioning that while many kink scenarios can be/feel the***utic, it’s important to remember that kink is NOT therapy.

 

I hope you’re getting professional support to help you deal with your trauma and eventually move beyond it. I good therapist might even be able to help you with the dilemma you presented here. 

 

Good luck. 

[Ae****]

All feelings are healthy, no matter what anyone tells you. They are all there for a real reason. The only way it can ever be "unhealthy" is if you genuinely hurt other people. Other than that, explore whatever you feel to the fullest - without judgment - in your head you are safe. Understand that being welcoming and curious with your ideas is how you process whatever is behind them. And there's no need to call it feminine rage imho, in fact it's pretty unhelpful - it's just anger, and it can be caused by experiences with the opposite sex, anger at men - however feminine rage adds extra meaning that ultimately, I think, is counterproductive, not healthy for you, your view of men or for men who encounter you going forward.

[pt****]

My opinion would be that you are seeking a level of catharsis due to past trauma. While it is wholly subjective, the ethical and moral implications with proceedings with a willing participant. I think It would be a double edged sword, one of euphoria and potential addictive draw or else with a come down of actualisation of how hollow it feels be like that. As a good person, one’s conscience and moral compass will help lead the right path, especially as you are seeking consensus and understanding opening within the community. Best of Luck in your self discovery

[Ba****]

Honestly, I’d argue it is all 3.

From what you’ve said, both in the op and comments, I would hazard a guess that you’re only hurting yourself with these interactions. It sounds like you’re clearly communicating what you want and what you’ll be able to offer in terms of aftercare.

I’d recommend talking to someone who specialises in the trauma you’ve been through. Continuing as you are risks you hurting yourself more long term.

[Deleted Member]

These are the most smooth brain responses ever. Women have hurt me in the past so now I want to punish women for my own gratification. I dont want to praise them or give them anything in return, I just want to punish and humiliate them in very specific ways. I don't want to hurt anyone but all of my fantasies are based around punishment. Anyone else see how unhinged that sounds?

[Ba****]

4 minutes ago, keishio said:

These are the most smooth brain responses ever. Women have hurt me in the past so now I want to punish women for my own gratification. I dont want to praise them or give them anything in return, I just want to punish and humiliate them in very specific ways. I don't want to hurt anyone but all of my fantasies are based around punishment. Anyone else see how unhinged that sounds?

As was said, it’s negotiated and consented to. So the men involved are fully aware and willing participants. Please explain where the smooth brain aspect lies?

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, BackRubsNBruises said:

As was said, it’s negotiated and consented to. So the men involved are fully aware and willing participants. Please explain where the smooth brain aspect lies?

That the root of it is unhealthy. You can't expect good things to come from a bad seed and people are willing to let someone keep watering this seed just because 'the men were consenting'. Consent doesn't make the choice right, healthy or even good. This comes from a place of revenge with no consideration given to the participants.

[mi****]

4 hours ago, BackRubsNBruises said:

As was said, it’s negotiated and consented to. So the men involved are fully aware and willing participants. Please explain where the smooth brain aspect lies?

i appreciate the kindness others have shown me in their responses, but i have to say, i kind of agree with you. while consent is a major thing… it doesn’t change the fucked up motive behind these feelings. i feel like Christian Grey from 50 Shades.. obviously not in a good way. he’s known for being controversial & a toxic dom… i don’t want to be like that. reading these comments, while they were nice about it.. they did recommend therapy, which i’ve been considering. until then, im not sure i’ll indulge these new feelings.

[mi****]

4 hours ago, keishio said:

These are the most smooth brain responses ever. Women have hurt me in the past so now I want to punish women for my own gratification. I dont want to praise them or give them anything in return, I just want to punish and humiliate them in very specific ways. I don't want to hurt anyone but all of my fantasies are based around punishment. Anyone else see how unhinged that sounds?

sorry, i meant to quote you, not BackRubs..

i appreciate the kindness others have shown me in their responses, but i have to say, i kind of agree with you. while consent is a major thing… it doesn’t change the fucked up motive behind these feelings. i feel like Christian Grey from 50 Shades.. obviously not in a good way. he’s known for being controversial & a toxic dom… i don’t want to be like that. reading these comments, while they were nice about it.. they did recommend therapy, which i’ve been considering. until then, im not sure i’ll indulge these new feelings.

[mi****]

4 hours ago, BackRubsNBruises said:

As was said, it’s negotiated and consented to. So the men involved are fully aware and willing participants. Please explain where the smooth brain aspect lies?

sorry, i meant to quote keisho